Why am I

sitting here

contemplating

how

I've come

to be here,


I don't understand

how

I've allowed

myself to end up here.

I didn't want to

be in this situation

not again,

I've given so much...

And

now

here

I've accepted

this fate

without a

fight!


I doubt

I've got it within me

to fight anymore,

yet

didn't I say

I wasn't "his type"  

and  

here I am

plunging deep

into

swirling watery

grave  

where

I've no way out.  

I'm ashamed

to admit or even say;

I have no inclination,


no answers

and

I don't even


understand

or

know

what I'm doing!


I can't fathom


how


I've allowed you in

when


all I've wanted was to be free,

I didn't take any of my

walls down...


Seems

You've

crashed

head first into em.

I feel like   such a fool,

Oh,  No,

There's

no one else and never can be again

hold me like you do,  

  allow me to filter my regrets,

cry

mournfully

as

I sip this wine.

I'm sitting here

contemplating

how

I've come

to be here,


I don't understand....

But,

I'll Stay!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

I knew how I've felt
and its not your fault...



You did love me best,
but I thought all wrong.


I didn't have faith enough to believe-
you'd really do
all you've promised me.
I didn't know the magnitude
of your feeling for me,
nor could Imagine
someone like you
can really want to be with me.


Forever you'd say & I never understood,
couldn't fathom it,
not after all the bitterness in my life.


Someone like you
whose always looking at the positives,
where
I've only focused on the negatives.


I didn't know
that you'd show me
all the possibilities
there was to being loved
so completely!


My hurt consumed me,
I never saw you,
not in the way you've
needed me to.

Too consumed in
my own bitter resentments
to reflect on the agony
being inflected upon you
so much so,
that I've dissipated whatever it were
we could of be and had!


All I could do was
hoard the love you've given,
selfishly cling to it and store it away.


Never did I allow myself
to return the favors of your endearments,
I wasn't able to,
my blindness and hurtful neglect
wouldn't allow me to cave in.


You knew,

I came broken,

confused,

lonely & so used

knew too,

I'd been dealt poorly & left beaten,
bruised
inside,
well as out,
I couldn't risk another let down or set back.


My mind,
nor my heart
wouldn't be persuaded,

I allowed my body to feed off your energy,
allowed you to manifest

within my flowery walls
a safe heaven of ****** bliss.


While I was retaining
the very best parts
of
ME
- away .....


Away from your longing soul

and your

beautiful wondrous heart.

I didn't know

how to let go of my past,
I didn't understand
the beauty of all that you possessed,

someone like you

wanted me for
everything that I am,

good, bad & the very worst

parts of me.

You didn't worry,

long as you had me

all the fibers of my being--

"He"
ie (YOU)
only wished to see me happy,

in love and by your side.


I can't blame you
for letting go,
I can't forget
all the good times and memories
we've shared.

It may just be too late,
yet I'd like to think one day,

maybe next lifetime

perhaps.....


For now

I'll say,

how very

sorry I am

because even
as the words left your lips,

I failed to agree or really understand.

Truth be told
it couldn't be help.
So I hope you'll forgive me,

for I truly,

wholeheartedly,

honestly,

mournfully

- apologetically

Didn't Know!


Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present