I feel like I'm seeing your petals being crushed and I'm stuck on the side immobile
Unable to save you from plucking the petals off of yourself as if that will save you from that chest squeezing pain inside of you
You can't dig your way to your core and ease the ache and all I want is to lift you off the cold hard ground and help you take root.
Let me be your soil.

You have stars in your hair that make me wish I'd spent more time looking at the sky

The panic is inching up my throat and through my limbs
Slowly spreading cold and leaden
Why is the clock moving so fast?
Like its trying to outrun memories
I'm almost frozen by my resistence to blink for fear I might miss everything
Time has never felt so against me than when I'm truly happy

I know you're going to break my heart
I can see it inevitably as a fast speeding train heading for a wall and sorely lacking a break to stop it.

Bit by bit you blew on my trust like a dandelion.
Pieces broken off and taken away by the soft flowing wind to an unknown destination.

What are we doing?
Our words are growing quieter
Our touches strained
Our hearts building a small wall each day
Hurting it's hands pushing the bricks and material together without us even knowing
Why are we here?
It's like there's something in our minds still fighting tooth and nail for a war nobody believes in anymore and our bodies are just following along
Maybe it's time this war came to an end
I don't think either of us want to deal with the casualties of our love dying along with our hope

You spun a web that worked for you and I was simply a bug caught up
Wrapped in this
Waiting for you to deliver the final blow

You're slowly growing into something important
I didn't realise until I started to miss your warm hand on my lower back
Or the way your mouth curls up on the side when I say something ridiculous
Or your head on my chest wrapped tight in a blanket that seems to hold me together when you do something that makes my emotions spill out
You're something I didn't quite see coming

You're in my bed counting sheep
Blissfully unaware that my mind is pulling apart my thoughts and stitching them back together over and over
What if this is one sided?
Am I in this feeling alone?
I know you'll eventually make your way out of this and move on to the next
But what if you feel this too?

There was a time in my life where I denied who I was
As we grow we strip parts of ourselves away and put different pieces back together
Different skins and faces and depths of ourselves get changed as we face new challenges
But for me when I was young I saw a part I wanted to keep
A part I felt would make an important staple piece of what made me who I was throughout the changes that would come
After a while I think it weighed me down and I couldn't be defiant and brave enough to be wholeheartedly myself anymore
So I pushed it back and put on a face I knew would be acceptable
I think I'm slowly finding that part again
Maybe this time I can be brave enough to keep my head held high

Fear.
I felt the fear rise like crashing waves and rebel against the thoughts inside my head
Butterflies.
Getting their guns and knives ready inside my stomach to slice and shoot their way out of the knots tying together inside
Anxiety
Gripping my heart tight in its iron grip.
squeezing,
Squeezing ,
Squeezing
And curiosity shyly inching through all this rebellion happening inside my body to see what all the fuss is about
And you
Standing there watching me with that tilt to your mouth and those eyes screaming mischief
Completely oblivious to this war inside my body that you bring with you when you come my way.