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My father's mother
Danced through life with passion and flair
Determined and stubborn, courageous and outrageous
I wish for you her individuality and sense of drama.

My father's father
Had a sense of mischief that bordered on cunning
Quick thinking, generous, the life and soul of the party
I wish for you his love of life, of family, his tricksy spirit.

My mother's father
Sent his grandchildren to sleep with their heads full of glorious nonsense, absurd, fantastical tales
He had a smile for the whole world, and shone from within with a golden light.
I wish for you this shining quality, his kindness, creativity and loving heart.

My mother's mother
Is the strongest of all the strong women I know,
Straight speaking, no-nonsense, a clear head in a sea of chaos
I wish for you her strength, her calm, her ability to see things as they really are.

I wish for you
My mother's tolerance and sense of fun, my father's thirst for knowledge
Your fathers' fathers quiet comforting presence
Your father's mother's empathy and warmth.

Those that are gone, their memories persist and will be passed down
You will be all of us, and all of them, and yet, always, uniquely you.
Things happened, and
He bore them stoically, as is his way,
He let them shape him, he endured.

Things happened, and
He battled, shattered, but determined,
Born again from grief and pain.

Things happened, and
He built a fort with a towering wall,
Existed inside, with his pain and his pride.

Things happened, and
He let me in, gifted me his trust,
I am more, being his, than I ever was before.
Old friend,
I cannot have you back
Not in that way
There is no wormhole to the past
Going back is not an option
So let’s go forward
Regardless of where we will end up.
I have assumed
That we need to return to the old ways
But maybe there is a new path
to a calmer destination
A different way
To a future for us both
She is six, and searching for answers to questions that she cannot yet ask.
Baby, I tell her,
There are things that are broken,
And people with hearts like hammers that are trying to fix them,
Bang! Bang! Bang! Build.
Sweet-souled strangers, tending this planets bruises,
Sharing in its peoples pain.
There are children without water,
Women half dead from bearing them,
People in fear for their lives for speaking of forbidden futures, believing in the wrong god, or no god,
Or worshipping the right god wrong.
Starvation, disease, segregation, genocide, despair,
Beings in agony; others angry, warped, with sad, distorted minds,
The symptoms of a sick and stunted world.
Baby, I tell her,
You will find words to frame the questions that right now I can see behind your eyes.
You are the daughter of a dreamer,
You are trying to find your stories,
Your heart will be a hammer,
Driving your words into this weary, war-fatigued world,
Bang! Bang! Bang! Build.
*It cannot be borne, it will not be borne.
You are just
Ghost fragments
Not even memories.
Sulci secrets
Locked into recesses,
Embedded
Waiting to be excavated.
Meanwhile, you're eroding,
Definition washed away
By cerebral fluid,
Made smooth
Unreal
You're fading,
What's unearthed
Will be a fossil
A brittle curiosity,
Open to interpretation.
Sulci are the wrinkles in your brain.
I am thinner than you
Better than you
Fitter than you
Bitter at you
Check out my texts
Don't share my sexts
Here is one breast
Beg for the rest
wiggle jiggle
Giggle
hate you
hate me
Rate me
Wait!
See?
Meet me there, you remember? The corner of Air Street, outside the bar that constantly changes its name. Remember? Where we drank margaritas - 2 for 1 - before heading to On Anon for half price champagne.

Ecstatic from happy hour, we needed no more fuel, we were all fired up for fun. We sauntered past restaurants offering every cuisine imaginable to bag ourselves an early table in Freedom Bar, before they introduced an entrance charge.

The sticky floor adhered to the bottom of our platform heels, the bar smelled like bubblegum. Drag Queens dared us to dance; we held onto poles, span and sang.

Slick with sweat, our own, and everyone else's as the place grew packed. We smelled like horses. Tossing our manes, we breathed hard, danced and danced, wild eyed, looking for a ride.

Remember? Before it all went wrong. Before you lost your job, your home, your mind. Before I had children, learned to love a different kind of fun. You kept losing.

Weeks went by, the phone stopped ringing. It was easy not to think of you, I was tired, you wouldn’t be interested in my boring life. You dropped away, silently, stealthily. Suddenly you weren’t there, you weren’t anywhere. Where are you now? How can I find you?

If I had thought I could lose you, I would have tried harder. I would have found you, I would have brought you home. I could have been you, I could have been the one to lose my way.

The colour of remorse is crimson; a flood of red despair. Your hair was slick with it, trailing the tub, tacky, like the dancefloor, where we didn’t care in a different way.

Meet me there, you remember? Come back, I’ll take you dancing, I’ll hold you up, we’ll laugh until we cry. Are you in Heaven? I’ll meet you there. Wait for me - I’m on my way.
Suddenly, this year, I want to **** everyone
Or, more specifically, our friends;
My best friend, his best friend
Old friends
New friends
Friends I haven't seen for years.
I think I must be lacking something
But also, it is just about the ***.
Because I'm thirty seven
What if all my best encounters are behind me?
What if the best lay of my life
Is sitting next to me at a cafe
Or trotting along beside me on a power walk?
I don't want to get it on with strangers, enemies, colleagues,
Or the good looking guy who makes my coffee at Starbucks
Just friends
Am I missing something
Obvious to everybody else?
Second poem I've written this evening that makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin
Layers and folds yield
to pressure, tongue sinks - dissolves
into soft, sweet bliss.
You introduced me to a game that neither of us can ever win,
So let's just stop rolling the dice.
I no longer have the moves to bring me to the home square,
And I've used my only get out of jail free card,
Next time, it's the slammer for sure.
In strategic thinking, he can beat us both hands down,
So put away the playing pieces,
Fold up the board,
Let's declare a stalemate.
Joint losers,
Game over,
Time to call it quits.
Am I a diamond, a ruby, or a pearl?
Or am I
Just a plastic bead?

Not the toughest,
Or the brightest,
But I am precious.

And I'm certainly not cheap.
Yearning for you
Makes me angry with myself.

So **** angry
That I literally weep with rage and horror,
Sometimes several times a day.

You are such a
Such a
Such a
Why do I want you, even now?

And I mean want want WANT you,
Desperately, angrily, resentfully,
Want you like the world wants saving,
The rain wants rivers,
Want you like a fallen angel
Wishes he could be with God, again.
'yearning' is such a quaint and old fashioned word for such a painful horrorshow of a feeling. Actually, I seem to remember a time when it felt wonderful, when it bordered on rapture. That was before. Another place, another time, another me.
With a smothered gasp
She accepts what he gives her
And gives him herself.
Can I have me back, please?
Thief of my life
Can you set her free, for me?
What you have given me back, so far
Bears no resemblance to the glowing, happy girl you stole away.
I admit, the resemblance is there,
But what's this desperation in her eyes
And the dark, dark circles underneath?
Where's their laugh and sparkle?
This can't be my me
Can I have her back?
Or, if this imposter is a part
Of what I was, then
Can I have the rest?
Can I have back
Calm contentment
Eyes wide shut
And the most important part that was your friend?
I am a cyberwoman
Delete, delete, delete.
It's true, I do remove
The too, too much.
I rearrange, and chop, and change,
I know that you will always read
The sigh between the lines,
And maybe you, too have things that you have written,
then hidden away.
Maybe, you, too, are frightened of
The neversaid, the ever left unread.
Do you delete too, otherpoets?
The best thing about parties
Is the dancing.
I would like to dance right from the start,
But no-one else is ready,
So I wait for the ***** and bonhomie to kick in,
And then I start it off with a giggle and a wiggle,
And soon everyone's gyrating, sweating, laughing, into it.
Nothing makes me feel more alive,
More in the moment.
More truly myself.
I'm an outrageous exhibitionist,
But it isn't even that -
It's the beat, the truth, the tune, the words,
Leading to the movement,
It's pure interpretation, clear communication,
The essence of party,
The absence of sad.
If I fall, unbidden, into your idle daydreams,
Do you scourge me from your head with thought-blades,
Gouge me from the soft grey jelly with a blunt steel mind-spoon?
And how precise are these eviscerations?
Perhaps you may just miss a lingering memory;
That birthday kiss, your hands like angels whispers on the nape of my neck.
The glance across the room, or one of my fleeting messages,
Vanishing in seconds, but scribed indelibly into your psyche.
Or not so indelibly; perhaps you never think of me at all,
Or only as you think of other embarrassments, and guilty pleasures,
With a vague distaste, and a promise to yourself to do better.
If it's the former, and you find yourself gouging,
Dig deeper, my darling, I would wish to be gone forever
from your lightly troubled mind,
I can bear to be reviled, I can bear to be a torment,
I cannot bear to be a troublesome fly-thought, easily swatted,
An irritating echo, or a faint and tainted ***** dream.
And still, it hurts...
Like everyone else, these September downpours have me grumbling,
but secretly, I couldn't be happier.
Rain has come for me, my saviour from the skies,
Cautioning, encouraging restraint.
Thank you rain,
For hiding everything from everyone.
For masking tears,
Blurring fears,
And keeping me away.
I am still so vulnerable,
But I want to stay strong, and am trying so hard.
This downpour, this baptism,
Washes away weakness, and temptation,
And may tip the balance the right way;
Move me further from Summers' indulgence
Into abstinence, and resolve.
I am ever grateful to the Gods of Rain,
Who saw what I needed, and supplied,
They may save me from myself.
Something is worrying me,
Something that would at first seem laughably trivial,
but really isn't.
When we meet, as we shortly will,
Should I take you in my arms, like I desperately want to,
Or maintain a careful distance?
So much has happened.
And you say you regret everything, every day,
But I'm not sure I believe you,
And I don't share your regret.
I am scared that you will read the truth
In my embrace,
And that's the real dilemma.
I don't want to lie to you
And I don't want to lose you again.
Goodbye, lover that never was.
I will not forget.
Desire as sharp as a razor to the tongue, laced with honey,
Cut so sweetly, an agonising rapture.
We both know what must be retired,
But I am weeping as I lay you to rest.
As I burn what must be burned,
Regret has no part to play, guilt and despair have nothing to say,
I am retiring both those too.

Welcome back, my friend,
I missed you so. You, you,
I lost you for a time.
You were stolen away, replaced with a changeling,
He entranced me, but could not replace my old friend in my heart,
I have said my goodbyes, did what I had to do,
I missed you, I want you.
I know you. I love you.
Welcome, welcome home.
Today, I am heartsick and woebegone,
Full of the January blues, grey as the new-year sky.  
I wish I looked like Summer,
And could warm myself and everyone else,
I want to be warm, I want to be lovely, just for a while.

What happened to my look-twice smile?
All sound is muted
Vibrant colours overlaid with gauzy grey.
My skin, my hair, are damp,
As if those things were weeping,  but have ceased,
As if I am made of tears
Or, have bathed in them,
Yet, I feel nothing, nothing but numb
No pain, ah – well, a faint, dull ache
As if my etheric body were trying to escape.
I am lost within and without myself
All insular, enclosed
Boxed, redundant, closed away
Grey is the way to the end of today.
Wrote some time ago, when I felt very low.
You don't stop being a child, and become an adult, all at once.
Remember the endless reservoir of energy you had?
It slowly becomes purpose, ambition, goals.
Limited, channelled, tunnelled, controlled.
Optimism leaks away, you learn restraint, you learn to be guarded.
You realise that to be otherwise, leaves you vulnerable,
That others can, and will, hurt you.
It can take decades to learn all these lessons,
You still assume that everyone will act like you, think like you,
You're floored by betrayal, again and again.
If you're lucky, you'll retain some childhood naïveté, some trust,
And circumvent cynicism, which is the death of freedom, and hope.
If it has found you, you must try to travel back to your childlike heart,
Everyone's map is different,
So I cannot show you the way.
There is a red stain
Taunting me, scrubbing won't help.
Reminder of rage.
I have wasted half a year.
Half a year on you.
I will never get back
Those moments with my children
When, distracted, and dreaming, I gave them half my self
Or even less.

I will never get back
Complete certainty
That I am in the right life
That I have made the right choice.

I will never get back
The sleep I have lost
The love I would have made
The dreams I would have had
The books I would have read
The things I could have said.

Half a year
Spent obsessively logging on
Following you.
Drowning in music
Shutting everybody out
Shutting out myself
Shutting out my life.

What have I been doing?  
What have I been thinking?  
Nothing but you.
It is time to turn you out
Before I become nothing
Before I lose everything.
I propose that we...
Snuggle up under our duvets,
Call in sick to wherever, whoever,
Shut the bedroom door,
and write way too much, all day long.
Post it all, no cheating, no deleting,
Let's do it!
I'm not joking.
Into bed with us all,
This is the right day
For a write day.
Sweetly slick wet heat
Aphrodite, marble slab
Nubile offering.
I still have your Prince CD.
You'll never get it back,
Because it's all I have, now.
I'd rather have your hallelujah smile,
Your eyes that make my tummy jump inside.
I'd rather hear your voice,
Your laugh,
Than any of the songs
But
I still have your Prince CD.
I don't think you will ask for it back,
And even if you did,
You wouldn't get it.
You just don't get it.
You never did.
So there you are, partying
Having fun
With everyone.
Gosh, you look happy.

You have not given me
A moments thought
Have you?

For all you know,
I remain unforgiven
And in torment,
But you haven’t wondered,
It hasn’t crossed your mind
To try to find out.

I expect you would shrug your shoulders…

“Why did you tell him….?  You can’t be honest about these things Amanda…There’s too much at stake…
I thought we had an agreement…”

So, my crime was honesty.
Yours was far worse
But there you are, partying,
Having fun
With everyone,
Gosh, you look happy.
Smiles burst through my tears
Sunshine through a waterfall
Happy, sad, I drown.
When you were clearly flirting with me
I should not have asked if you were flirting with me,
And when you replied yes, and asked if that was allowed
I should not have said yes, and asked if I were allowed to flirt back.

Everyone is wrong
When they **** you for this mess
I could have called a halt to it immediately,
And even later
The second, third, or fourth collision
I could have made it stop.

I should not have invited you out, alone
I should not have told you I needed a drink to tell you a secret.
I should not have whispered "I'd love to, too"
Then leaned in for your kiss.

You suggested things, and I agreed.
I should not have agreed to find you on Twitter
Or send you that photo,
I certainly shouldn't have met you for lunch
Or told you that I wasn't wearing underwear
Or taken your hand in mine, and pressed your fingers gently,
Or stayed silent when you asked me when...when...when...
Inviting misinterpretation.

See, I am far from blameless
I concurred, agreed, enjoyed
Every second, every moment, I regret nothing.
Nothing, except that I could have kept you,
I needn't have lost you.
If I hadn't allowed a beginning,
Then I wouldn't now be struggling with the end
Dearest friend.
I am a coward,
And a failure,
Disguised as a successful human being
You'd have every reason to envy.

I have it all,
Yet I have nothing.
I've followed all the rules
And life has delivered, accordingly.

If I won't renounce apathy
And find my own way out,
Then I have just what I deserve.

Let's face it,
I have wasted four decades,
Wasted.

I'll read this poem
Every day
And then, I'll either do nothing
Or allow it to enter and alter me,
Gradually.
My mouth is full of shards of glass
And when I bite down, my lips bleed,
Rivulets racing down my chin,
Escaping awful me.
Everything I say
Slices me up
Inside and outside
I am slivers, fragmented,
Raw, red flesh
Redacted
Many versions drawn together
All false, all true,
Sliced and diced for you.
Where did you come from?
What is this all about, and
Where will we end up?

I came for the wish
You made from your hurting heart
I am what you need.


But I am scared, and
I am worried, I am not
me, I am not free.

*I will crush your fear,
Allay your worries, I will
never hurt you, hush.
Everyone keeps telling you to 'Quiet down! Hush!'
Confusion on your little face, big questioning eyes.
You are still young enough to be wholly you,
And 'too loud' has no meaning.
Your voice is you, its timbre and pitch and volume, all your own,
They are telling you to change.
This will happen to you, again and again, my hearts own child,
I cannot prevent it.
But I will not ask you to hush,
And my heart will weep the day I hear you check before you speak,
The day that a subdued, sorry whisper emerges
From where a ***** roar once dwelled.
I will never now know
If you're as good in bed
As you are in my head.

It's unfortunate
As I will always assume you are
And suspect, therefore

That I can never let you go.
How can I not
Let my emotions rule me?
They are me.
You are talking about head over heart
Heart over head
But the two are hand in hand
And to let one rule alone
Would result in a little death,
Paralysis, confusion, and despair.  

My head determines
What my heart feels
And I can try to master those thoughts
For my own good –
I regularly do, I try –
And always fail.
Heart-thoughts creep in
And I want them to.

My head knows what would be best for me
In a dead and sterile world
Without anger, love and laughter
Without sadness, joy and tears.
My heart disregards chaos,
One is impulse, the other is control
Combine, and hope for a middle ground
With no exclusions, all can be examined
Heart, and head, together,
Will help me find my way.
Inspired by a poem by Anubis the Philosomancer

Update 21/09   Actually I get it now, this poem has got it completely wrong. Stupid heart. Stupid, stupid selfish spoiled child heart.
There is a pink furry one
For snuggling,
Under the coffee table,

A silver chiming one
Hanging from the door.

Upstairs two tiny ones
Beat in harmony,
Sleeping and at peace.

And you are playing with mine,
Holding it inside you,
Making me wonder if you plan to be gentle
When you hide it away, with your own.

You don't know that I have yours, already
I stole it away, as you slept.
It beat faster and harder, trying to warn you,
But I calmed it with a kiss...

And now it's mine, and I will not give it up.
Keep squeezing what you have,
But I need you to be careful,
And I will be, too,
I'll take my cue from you.
You are my smile.
I feel you curving my mouth,
Kissing my lips,
Such a tender taste of love.
The first rays of the sun
Sweep across my face
As a new day dawns.
My eyes blink in welcome surprise
And my heart dances
As you play upon my lips
Bringing me joy.
My heart is a honeycomb
Riddled with many small spaces,
Each one a placeholder
For pieces I gifted to you.
I remember each moment of gifting.
The first; your birthday party,
You walked me to the bar and gazed on me with wonder
Before revealing more than you should, frankly and without fear
or expectation.
Later that night,
You slipped your hand illicitly into the warm space just above my knees
And breathed a longing sigh.
I took your hand away and held it in my own,
Closing your fingers around the first piece of my heart.
The first time we kissed, I had hidden another piece under my tongue
And it melted into yours.
When you told me I was beautiful
And proved that you really thought so,
You found a piece in what you gazed upon
And it burned itself onto your retinas, indelible - my hearts branding.
There were many other offerings,
And by the time it all collapsed around us,
My heart was barely able to sustain me,
I had offered almost all I could,
The final offering would have destroyed me.
I suppose I should be glad I never had to make it,
But I am a poor version of myself now;
A heart riddled with holes,
And nothing to show for all that I gave up.
You have so much of my heart, with you
I wonder if you feel it beating?
I wonder, if each little piece,
Now bleeding, and yearning to return,
Shares that yearning with you?
Is your heart bleeding, in sympathy, too?
I am a bit hot
For Harriet Tecumsah
What is wrong with that...?
For a fellow Rhymeslut who commands me to 'keep them coming!'  :-D
Today,
A little happy peeked around the corner
And waved.
He was shaped like a question mark,
And kept changing colour
For he couldn't quite decide
If blue was appropriately ironic.

I haven't seen a happy for a while,
So I waved back,
And he turned red.
Either blushing, or angry,
A reluctant happy.
Nevertheless,
He made me smile.
Reposting my favourite.
Today,
A little happy peeked around the corner
And waved.
He was shaped like a question mark,
And kept changing colour
For he couldn't quite decide
If blue was appropriately ironic.

I haven't seen a happy for a while,
So I waved back,
And he turned red.
Either blushing, or angry,
A reluctant happy.
Nevertheless,
He made me smile.
Tell me how to quit the rat race
Show me how to find a way
Teach me how to break these patterns
Find a way from work, to play.

I have had enough of lying,
Mediocre isn't me
I am slowly, slowly dying
I am longing to be free.

How'd I get here? Why'd I stay here?
I gave up, and now I'm old,
Help me not make poor decisions,
Help me to be brave, and bold.

Find me, find me,
Guide me, mind me,
Stay and love me
Stand behind me.
I shouldn't have gone out walking, alone,
Tonight of all nights, I should have stayed away.
There is an abyss here, a perverted tear in the earth,
Trickling with the waters of Lethe,
Alive with the shades of the dead.
And here they are;
Dead things are coming, with their eyes like soured, milky rubies.
The smell of hunger is red,
And that is what I can smell,
Their starvation, their need,
They no longer breathe, or bleed,
But they can hunger, and they do,
And they smell me; something new,
A clean soul ripe for corruption.
Hungrily they come, tendons trailing, mouths agape,
Here is our vision; here is the shape
Of the dead world that will be.
They will take us, in our billions,
But tonight, they'll just take me.
I hope you dream about me
all the time
And I hope the dreams are desperate, despairing and I
hope, I hope
That you wake, damp and dishevelled
in disarray
I hope that you have no explanations
not for her, not for her
No glib lie to cover your trembling, your pallor, your distress.
I hope you dream about me
Every single night
And that the light brings you no comfort
And the dreams give no relief.
I solved the puzzle
Found you weeping in the maze
Brought you home, at last.
Sometimes you read something so good
That your heart stops beating
Or starts skipping in your chest.
Something so real, so right
That you break out in a sweat,
Glaze over for a second
And come to, drowning, re-reading,
The entire world receding.
You know, you know
You will never write like that,
But you feel you could be slightly better
Just for having read it.
There is someone who writes on here and every single one of his poems makes me feel like this.
It is easier
To simply remove everything of value
And fill the hollow space
With mental detritus.
There is nothing painful left
in that space.
It's all deliberate,
The dross, the drone, the sleb sludge,
Brain-bilge-water.
When I'm ready, I'll purge,
And make the hollow ready,
For a healthier obsession.
Bad Morning, long time no see, wish it had stayed that way.      

It's **** to see you.

I don't give a monkeys how you are.

And as for your wife and kids, I never liked her, and they were always horrible to mine.

Got to go? Thank God for that.

Be careless,

With any luck I won't bump into you again for a long, long time. Please don't call.

I can't think of a single nice thing to say to you, and it would be awkward as hell.

I don't want you knowing anything about my life.


Good morning, long time no see!
It's great to see you!
How are you?
How's Sally, Joe and Sam? We should set up that playdate, it's been awhile.
Oh, you're in a rush? That's a shame, never mind.
Take care,
Hope to see you soon - call me!
It would be so great to get the chance to have a proper chat.
I've so much to tell you.
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