when i met you,
i created a person i wanted you to be.
but even when you turned out to not
be the one i wanted
i still
loved you

668

“Nature” is what we see—
The Hill—the Afternoon—
Squirrel—Eclipse—the Bumble bee—
Nay—Nature is Heaven—
Nature is what we hear—
The Bobolink—the Sea—
Thunder—the Cricket—
Nay—Nature is Harmony—
Nature is what we know—
Yet have no art to say—
So impotent Our Wisdom is
To her Simplicity.

Why will you give up if you are nothing?
When you start with nothing, you lose nothing!

Man up!

Steel swords are burned with fire!
Wines are spoiled enough to be wise!
Cheese are burrowed with wax!
Candles loses life as it goes on!
Bees stung then dies!

What are you afraid of?!

Until you're there,
Never relax!

I wait for fourteen years of my life
to be the big sister .
And that waiting was worth it.

Now I'm one , a big sis
I got one charming little brother.

Still I remember the day,
I held him in my arms.
He was so tiny and cute.
I was scared that I may hurt him.

Thanks to the Almighty .
I just don't know
How I should thank my creator
For blessing me, my cute little pie.

To answer the question
I don’t know
See, I’m only 16
The facets of my personality are still leaking
Don’t get me wrong
There are things about me that will never change
But I am ever-changing
See, if people never change
If we believe that we can never grow
Then we never will
You can’t hold an umberella over a garden and complain about the lack of growth
You can’t ignore the negative outcome of a situation and complain about your lack of growth
And maybe I’m just a shell of the person I was two years ago
Maybe I’m just a ghost of the person I was a year ago
But time is precious
It may not heal your wounds but it will teach you how to

I don’t drink
I don’t drink because I don’t search for a good time in the glass confines of liquid poison
I don’t drink because my image of this honey colored pass-time has been tainted- discolored by an addiction I have too much knowledge of, wildly mishandeled before I was able to get my hands near it
I don’t drink because I have heard too many “drunk stories” from people who aren’t the main character
The thought of that scares me
I don’t drink because I’m a control freak
I don’t drink because if I wouldn’t do it sober I don’t want to do it ever
I don’t drink because I have never seen the appeal of not remembering your actions- of not acting in a way you would be proud of
If I am not in control of my body than tell me who is?
I don’t drink because my vision is already blurry I don’t need liquid lies to do that for me
I don’t drink because I can barely function sober
I don’t think inebriating myself would help that
I don’t drink because I’ve never had an itch in my throat that can only be satiated by the tar of alcohol
I don’t hunt for the burning sensation on my tounge after a long day- or any day really
See I don’t have a high pain tolerance
I don’t drink because I don’t crave the rabbit hole that too many have fallen into
I don’t want to fall prey to that darkness
To the suffocating lack of light that follows the last pour of a bottle
I don’t drink because I don’t care for the brazen words that don’t have a grip on their volume
Words that wouldn’t have been said if the drinker knew what was being said
I don’t drink because I already have trust issues
I don’t drink because I don’t want to be another victim of *******
Because anything can happen when you don’t know what’s happening
Because too many people use “but I was drunk” as an excuse for ruining someone elses night
For ruining someone elses life
25% of women have experienced ****** assault in all it’s variety
Nearly half of those casses have alcohol lighting up someone’s bloodstream
I don’t search for those lights
My decision is not made on the oassumption that I wouldn’t like the taste
My decision is made because I have a history with something I’ve never even touched
My decision is made because 28 people die due to drunk driving every day in this country
I don’t want to be the 29th
I don’t drink because I don’t want to
Because I know
too much
about it

This is new
We are new
I don’t really know what to call this- us
I don’t know what to do
I don’t do this
I haven’t done this
I’m new to this
Isn’t it obvious?
Can you tell just how
Lost I get in your eyes
How easily I lose my way in your hair
How readily I come into your arms
You’ll have to forgive me
This is my first time trying to navigate this
I don’t want to call this an experiment
But I must look like a scientist trying to figure out what to do and what not to do
I hate to ask
But does this come with a handbook?
Will you read me the instructions?
This has always seemed like it would be so much easier
But right now I feel like I’m putting together a table from Ikea
Luckily
You are right next to me
Showing me what to do
This hasn’t been going on for very long
But you have to understand
If I feel a bit like a deer caught in your headlights
Stunned
It’s because you
Are stunning
The way you write, speak, dress
Hell, even the way you walk demands my attention
Leaving me wide eyed
Frozen
I don’t want to mess this up
Mess us up
I still don’t know what to call this
What to call us
I’m still a deer in the middle of the road
But you untagle the knots I form in my own mind
You help me to understand

Can't call 911 for this,
I can't save you this time.

Open the curtains for the first time in ages.
The walls weep,
dripping yellow-brown nicotine,
crying brown tears for you.
Carpet stained spots of brown black blood,
a macabre Jackson *******.
Stained, sweat-soaked sheets smell,
the stench of withdrawal and agony.
**** and mold growing on the toilet,
like tiny bonsai trees.

The sun catches your face,
lightly touching a cheek-bone,
saying goodbye in it's own way.
Hazel eyes wide open,
mouth frozen,
a sort of painful grimace.

I want to clean it all away.
I want to scrub every wall,
every moulding,
every inch.
Bleach it all white.
Pull the **** across a giant etch-a-sketch of the scene.
And when it's clean,
When all of it is finally clean...

I will cover every wall like a canvas, with every note you ever left me.
Top to bottom,
wall to wall,
I will paint your words.
When I was away too long and you missed me,
when you wanted to cheer me up,
Or when you just wanted to say,
"I love you".

i’m lost
my legs are tired
and the concrete looks like a trampoline
if you throw something hard at an even harder surface, the something does not bounce
it breaks
if i throw my body to the concrete that looks like a trampoline
my bones will shatter
but my soul will only bruise
and that annoys me

because i thought death was easy
it’s this life that’s hard
what happens when escaping life becomes so difficult that death disappears from sight
when i thought death was easy but there’s no more fight left in me
when did trying to die become so difficult?

they tell me i’m not alone
which i find to be pretty funny because when my thoughts are falling out of my head too quickly for me to catch i’ll look around
and all i see is fragmented thoughts splintered on the ground

you have commitments
appointments
social obligations that consist of lifting others up
you have a job
and friends
and school
and papers to write
i know it’s hard for you sometimes, too

i know i drag you down
you say you won’t entertain the thought that my existence is a show put on by lucifer’s angels because i’m just
dramatic
you say
my idleness is the reason why my brain is wasting away
i’m the reason i’m wasting away
if it’s all in my head,
will the pain get better as i get worse?

they tell me
i’m here
and they’ll miss me if i go but when i tell them i’ve been trying to leave for years
they tell me no
i’ve been trying to stay for years
i laugh

they tell me
there’s so much more to live for
smiles and hugs and really dumb jokes
art and literature and art and art and art
and art

one thing art has taught me?
everything dies
everything ends
and humanity’s soul takes a beating every time we try
to erase the existence they’ve worked so hard to create
we could be frail
and throw ourselves to the pavement
the headlines the next morning would read Another one Bites the Dust or something

it’s really hard to be positive when you don’t want to be
or remember how to be
when stats of suicide are so frequently reported you wonder if that’s what you’ll become, another statistic
“the percentage of suicides of queer, korean adoptee, catholic, females has now risen to 1% this is Fox News reporting”
or something

i’ve heard that.

when did trying to die become so difficult?

-rgp