It took months for me to merely acknowledge the downwards spiral
To identify the source of my destruction
Was the night you took my sadness and tears
as some kind of seduction

And now, with hindsight being 20/20
I see the unhealthy, victim that you made me

I binged on addictions in order to halt thoughts from rising to reality
Numbed my mind, emotions, and morals
Convinced myself that my actions were out of strength,
self knowledge and discovery….

But they were not

Unhealthy habits spiralled into self blame
Attempts to cope with a loss of self worth I could not explain

Masking pain with parties and loneliness with lovers
Spending nights weeping into someone else’s covers

Weeks of weeping, wailing and wallowing
Unable to utter why
It was that hazey nightmare I was swallowing
And all I could do, was cry

I remember your gaze
Filled with trust and a harmful hint of lust
I remember your hands gripped on my hips
But I don’t remember any sort of kiss
on my tear soaked lips

Too detached to put up any sort of fight
I lived a nightmare that i will never forget
Eyes stalking and my conscious mind taking flight
Then My body bent on the couch, dripped in sweat

I awoke, uncomfortable on that cheap little couch
And arose to join you sound asleep in your bed
But as I did so, you awoke to reach out
Commanding me to “Stay down there” as you shoved my head

I left that moment
Like a rejected creature not even worth your company
You felt shame and disgrace at my presence
And I became empty in my essence

Pain encompassed my being and made me mute
Until after months I  realized my self-destructive tendencies
Had a root

I know they say that time heals all wounds
but they fail to mention how or when your life will resume
It is a promise for an ending that you so badly want to believe
For a life beyond the past for which you grieve

I realize now that time isn’t some gracious healer; patient and kind
It doesn’t give a **** about the tears shed, innocence lost or souls left behind
Time keeps passing, that is all we can say fo sure
And in that simple truth, I found my cure

After months of wasting away in my own mind
I spoke my truth to a friend and was released from denial’s bind
For so long I fought my reality for the fear that it made me weak
But acceptance of my truth brought nothing but relief

it's 1am here
and i can't fall asleep,
don't know of it's all the coffee
or threat of the upcoming week.
but i've talked to my sister, read my book--
i'm out of things to do.
so i guess i'll lie awake
and write some more about you.
we have pictures together on my wall,
places i'd like to go with you, my bucket list cries;
every pop of blue around the room
reminds me of your eyes.
every quote and poem and lyric,
they all sing the same tune
about a boy a girl writes about
every night by the light of the moon.
the letters you've written me
are tucked safely next to my bed,
and i still take them out to read them
even though they're memorized in my head.
maybe it's your handwriting
or the way you try with all your might
to tell me through each word
that it's gonna be alright.
so i'm kinda sorry that
everything reminds me of you,
i guess i'm just in love with
everything you do.

I have never had power
I have had quiet
ears ringing. closed doors. locked latches. computers.televisions. a mind.
I have had loud
ears pulsing. slamming doors. broken latches. heavy breath. a body.
I have never had a voice
I have had waves of screaming. sarcastic laugh. distracted listener. belittlement.
I have never had freedom
I have had you will do this. friends aren't allowed here. keep these things quiet.
I have never had confidence
I have had hidden tortilla chips. body in mirror. seeking another. fear of eye contact.
I have never had calm
I have had lingering rage. harboring fear. persistent inadequacy.
I have never had support.
I have had pick a side. figure it out. go away. get ready. you're fine.
I have never had a self
I have had starving. ***** in showers. lack of opinion. seeking of clues. hiding. drugs. alcohol. friends who accompany my demise.
I have never had a passion for life
I have had unfamiliar bodies. missed classes. suicidal ideation. hopelessness.
I have never had healing.
I am trying to find it now.
I am.

When she held me, I felt like an earthquake,
shrapnel cutting quick to the bone.
I’m disaster, an unknown
kind of danger is the most dangerous

When he held me, I felt like a riptide,
all control ran out the door.
With the *** and cappuccinos
I felt out of place in my new home

When she held me, I felt disgusting,
every move my own betrayal.
Yes, she hurt like a gunshot
but I did this to myself

When he held me, I felt strange,
like I should give my whole self.
He never asked, I’m thankful.
I don’t want to ruin everything else

When she held me, I felt like a secret,
like I was something small and wild.
In a room of screaming children,
we were something invincible

He never held me, but that’s alright.
Someone tell him I understand.
Take it slow, like we’re new friends.
I’m alive for once

No one touch me, I don’t want it.
Stop breathing down my neck.
My throat fills with *****,
But the hands never rest

No one touch me, leave me alone.
Stop pressing on my back.
There are thumbprints on my wrist bones
and handprints on my thighs

Don’t touch me when you aren’t here.
So many years have passed.
Is it trauma? I don’t care.
The filthy feeling always lasts

Don’t touch me when you aren’t here.
Nobody ever has to know.
When you’re sitting by your lonesome
Nobody cares, you’re on your own

Nobody cares, you’re on your own