I fell madly in love with you.
Your sweet compliments drew me in.
I fell madly in love with you.
Your soft kisses won me over.
I fell madly in love with you.
Your advice told me to listen.
I fell madly in love with you.
Your discipline made me better.
I fell madly in love with you.
Your harsh words caught me off guard.
I fell madly in love with you.
Your apologies regained my trust.
I fell madly in love with you.
Your bad habits became mine.
I fell madly in love with you.
Your anger made me feel protected.
I fell madly in love with you.
Your disappointment was immeasurable.
I fell madly in love with you.
Your love made me feel crazy.

I fell violently out of love with you.
Your sweet compliments stopped coming.
I fell violently out of love with you.
Your kisses slowly faded to pecks.
I fell violently out of love with you.
Your advice led me astray.
I fell violently out of love with you.
Your discipline left me confused.
I fell violently out of love with you.
Your harsh words stung like tears.
I fell violently out of love with you.
Your apologies were double-sided.
I fell violently out of love with you.
Your bad habits ruined my life.
I fell violently out of love with you.
Your anger scared my childlike heart.
I fell violently out of love with you.
Your disappointment made me feel even worse.
I fell violently out of love with you.
Your love made me feel unloveable.

Dear… you,

Whoever you may have been is lost now.
Like a tide carrying away a clam, your fate was taken from you.
Was it gentle, like a beach wave lapping at a tourist’s toes?
Was it violent, like a riptide carrying a surfer out to sea?

I wonder what kind of pearl might have been hidden in that clamshell.
Was it beautiful, full of shimmering possibility and light?
Was it warped, shaped and formed uniquely to match you?
The world may not have liked the pearl, concealed by two halves of a whole.

But I think I would have. I think that sparkly gem would even be my favorite.  
Made unlike any other, its color, shape, size, weight, and beauty would make it
perfect, perfect for me. I would cherish that pearl, wear it around my neck. Like a medal, it would rest between my *******, shining in unison with my imperfect teeth.

But you are not a pearl. You are not anything. You could have been so much, and I would give all that I’ve done, all that I am, all that I know, to see who you would be.
If only I could… You could be so happy here. I’m sorry that chance was taken from you.
I took that chance away from you. Well, it wasn’t only me; it wasn’t a decision I made.

These are just excuses. I can’t undo what has been done, but please know I am sorry.

With love that was saved just for you,
A Mother Figure but Never a Mother

Drive me to a cheap motel.
Pay for a week, the one after as well.
But what do I do when I can’t save up money?
“We’ll worry about it if it happens, honey.”
Daddy, I’m scared, and Mommy I’m tired.
If you push too hard, I might just expire.
I’m losing time, and I’m losing hope.
So I just tend to dissociate to cope.
I made three new alters in just the last week,
But you don’t listen, don’t know what that means.
I do want to survive, live, be alive,
But I’ll need more help if you want me to survive.
Please love me now, like I needed love then.
If not as a parent, at least as a friend?
Mom, I know you hate me. No, no, it’s true,
But the only person you hate more is you.
And Dad, I don’t lie when I love you I say,
But stand for yourself, not your wife, just one day.
You both have raised me, shaped me, molded me,
But the person you think I am isn’t the person I wanna be.
I’m your son, though I know it’s hard to adjust.
I find it hard to love and harder to trust.
The people who raised me, taught me, bathed me.
When I ask for acceptance, don’t make me say please.
In the end, we all need therapy, I think,
But don’t dismiss the truth I will speak.

My dear one,

May you walk new paths optimistically when you are the Fool.
May you create your universe when you draw the Magician.
May you trust your intuition when you draw the High Priestess.
May you be grounded in family when you draw the Empress.
May you lead with authority when you draw the Emperor.
May you listen and learn when you draw the Hierophant.
May you open your heart to love when you draw the Lovers.
May you speed towards success when you draw the Chariot.
May you see the power you contain when you draw Strength.
May you sit back and reflect when you draw the Hermit.
May you recognize your karmic cycles when you draw the Wheel.
May you balance truth with wisdom when you draw Justice.
May you surrender yourself when you draw the Hanged Man.
May you transition smoothly when you draw Death and Rebirth.
May you balance your energies when you draw Temperance.
May you face your inner demons when you draw the Devil.
May you see the truth clearly when you draw the Tower.
May you wish for a better tomorrow when you draw the Star.
May you see into the depths of yourself when you draw the Moon.
May you ignite with joy and inspiration when you draw the Sun.
May you truly know your motivations when you draw Judgement.
May you be spiritually reborn when you reach the World.

Oh, to be the Fool. Awakening with naivety and positivity.
Oh, to see the Magician. Creating the world he wants to see.
Oh, to meet the High Priestess. Mastering her inner intuition.
Oh, to serve the Empress. Mothering all, including ourselves.
Oh, to serve the Emporer. Leading with our head and heart.
Oh, to study the Hierophant. Learning to change paradigms.
Oh, to kiss the Lovers. Choosing unity and new connections.
Oh, to ride the Chariot. Racing towards success and victory.
Oh, to have Strength. Letting compassion lead our way.
Oh, to rest with the Hermit. Reflecting in peaceful solitude.
Oh, to turn with the Wheel. Cycling up through lessons.
Oh, to face Justice. Balancing truth, wisdom, and karma.
Oh, to speak with the Hanged Man. Surrendering to fate.
Oh, to know Death and Rebirth. Transitioning into change.
Oh, to walk in Temperance. Balancing and blending energy.
Oh, to meet the Devil. Facing our inner demons and shadows.
Oh, to topple the Tower. Felling and rebuilding a sense of self.
Oh, to wish upon the Star. Asking and hoping for our healing.
Oh, to see the Moon. Sinking into murky shadows and dreams.
Oh, to feel the Sun. Radiating exuberance to those around us.
Oh, to face Judgement. Knowing our motives and inner truth.
Oh, to reach the World. Changed into better versions of ourselves.

Dear One… No. Feared One.
I want an apology, an epiphany. Why can’t you see what you’ve done to me?
You say, “I don’t believe.” *****, please! I see it in your walk, the pain in every step.
Do you hear it when I talk, the nights that I have wept? There is pain in every word
because none of them are heard. Past your bleeding lies, but I just use my eyes.
To see past your deception, every little false conception. Should I even mention
How you failed to mention that I am your reflection? Your twisted perception
Paints you as the victim. I am your creation. Why would you create me as I am,
but hate me as I became myself? You hate yourself. You see a mirror in my blue eyes, And your many lies are laid bare. I tear through the ******* to see you.
Alone and afraid of what you have made. Oh, Feared One, you thought I was done?
I have just begun. You’re not the only one who’s words are loaded like a rifle.
Other’s think it’s just a trifle, but your words are a weapon which you’ve chosen
to harm. Sound the alarm, but my f-bomb won’t do as much damage
as your constant brain hemorrhage.

The shadow in the mirror reminds me not of myself but of my father.
He stands behind my mother’s chair like an advisor to the queen.
He does not poison her mind or plan treason against her throne.
Her tyranny extends to the invisible shackles on his long-broken mind.

The ghost in the mirror reminds me not of myself but of my brother.
Though he has died, he never passed on to the better place he deserves.
His phantom lingers in my mind, trying to reach out and touch this plane.
He can’t feel the tender dew on the soft grass unless he uses my hands.

The witch in the mirror reminds me not of myself but of my sister.
Though she has left the inner coven, she is still trapped under her oath.
Her spells of cord-cutting and separation can only do so much against it.
As her mistress sleeps, her work to free herself from her bond does not stop.

The monster in the mirror reminds me not of myself but of my mother.
She controls our movements like a puppet on a string, never stopping.
There is no freedom to reign over my or my family’s actions but hers.
Her little marionettes may never break free from the suffering they endure.