It’s almost been a year—
a year since I last saw you smile,
since I talked with you,
since I heard your voice,

A year of crying,
a year of trying to understand,
a year of sinking into silence and grief—
a year since you breathed.

i don't think about you anymore.
except when i become
my own lowest point.
you cross my mind then.
briefly,
grazing the edges
of my reality,
impersonating a friend.

but i don't need you anymore.
so, every time you knock,
trying to sell,
wearing your shiny labels
like a badge,
i'll shut the door in your face
and let the night take you back
to the abyss you crawled out from,
veiled in shame.

I walked to school today

Knowing I cried myself to sleep last night

Knowing no one knew

Knowing that was my power that I owned over everyone else

Can you tell that I am down bad?
Is it so painfully obvious that I like you?
Sure, I text you everyday,
and I ask you enough questions to make the press seem amateur,
and yeah I keep trying to hang out,
but that's what friends do, right?
friends.
Just friends.

My name is Erin
and i was *****
at the age of 7

it has taken me
14 years of my life
for those 13 words to escape
my hollow mouth

the only questions i come to now
is why
why lock me in that room
why take everything from me
my innocence
my purity
my childhood

in that room
where my family trusted you
where i trusted you
the night terrors i have to this day
still haunt my mind

like a never ending
drive in movie that plays
over
and
over
only the moon in the night sky
isnt made to be found here
there is no light in these terrors

i cant sleep this time of year
because every time i do
its you
in that room
locking the door
shutting the windows
******* me
yelling at me
every single night
i close my eyes

it has taken me 14 years
to accept the fact that i was taken by you
i have been numb ever since
left in the dust
rotting away at the core
thinking i was nothing
thinking i deserved nothing
because you took everything

but not anymore
i will recover from this
i am strong enough
i believe in myself
i believe in my own happiness
and i promsie
that when i have children one day
i will never ever let them rot at the core
i will find happiness
the darkness will not take over this time

I wish I was gregarious
so open and social
I wish I could go up to someone
and talk to them
without the little voice in my head screaming
"they're judging you
they hate you
they think you're a freak"
once that little voice speaks
I hide in my shell
and sociality ceases before it even started
I wish I was gregarious
and had friends here
my soul aches for companionship
instead of holed up in my room
scared of what others think of me
I want to be social
I want to be outgoing
but I'm my biggest obstacle  
I need to try and try and try
otherwise I'll die alone
wondering where I went wrong
maybe being gregarious isn't natural
maybe it's something learned
and perfected
until walking up to someone to say hi
isn't an incapable task

I was sitting by a pond
gazing into the water
when I heard uncertain footsteps
Fear tentatively sat down beside me
" what are you doing in college?
it's so far away.
you need to be at home with your parents.
it's familiar and comfortable."
he says to me
"sometimes being comfortable means you
stop growing and experiencing things."
I replied
"but aren't you scared?
you should be."
"of course I'm scared.
but fear is part of life and you get to choose
whether you're going to let it
limit you."
Fear nods his head
finally understanding
he gets up and walks away
I bask in the cool breeze
and soak in the sun
breathing in the crisp air
as my heart rate slows
and peace settles over me