Anastasia was my friend
her face was always pale
she always wore a ribbon
& her daddy went to yale

she was the talk of all the playground
the new girl always is
excited, unready to settle
like her coke-a-cola's fizz

until she sat beside me
& tapped me very slow
"i want to run away," she said
"but i don't know where to go"

i too was quite unpleased
"come and follow me"
so there we packed our knapsacks
and took off for Belize

I wish I could tell you
How much the quality
Of my day
Depends on the quality
Of our interactions

But the quality
Of my years
Depends so much
On your reaction

Dramatic ecstatic and all in between
You don't get your cake and you start to scream
Tomorrow you hate me today I am gold
But you are the one who claims this is old

I've never been so certain and confused all at the same time, and I can't tell you the last time I was even able to write. you blocked that part off from myself somehow. you made me mute. you made me beige. you made me a mom in khakis wearing a ***** pack who went to sleep at 8 pm to be safe; you made me safe in the worst way. you made me feel little. you made me feel less. and somehow in a way that i didn't even realize what was happening, i just wanted to make it work. i just wanted to be a flower that grew into a jungle but i was just a cactus in the living room you kept around because you only had to water me once in a while and if you forgot it was okay, I'd survive. I'd still be there. I'd still be beige and mute and anything you wanted me to be sitting happily. ****.

****
It's hitting me and it's hitting me hard as I unpack the shoes you'd always tell me to wear into this new and vacant room, no mattress no furniture as you sleep in the bed I slept in for over a year. And who knows who will sleep there from now on and **** they better appreciate how perfect your cats are or that you don't snore in your sleep like a lot of boys do.

But that's the thing, I fell in love with a silly stupid boy. Women do not date boys. I should not have dated a boy.

I hate stomping on sparks,
Trying to be the first to erase
The butterflies
Choosing logic over the shared
Eye contact that made your heart
Thump as loud as the music playing
In your brain while your happiness
Danced around the room

But I'll stomp anyways so you don't crush me

It's not fair that you get to be on my mind when I don't want you here; I feel like a kid stuck in a three hour long car ride screaming how much longer will this freaking last ten minutes into the everlasting journey into a black hole to a relatives house I never asked to go visit.

How long do you get to be in my **** mind until I can wake up without the taste of your name on my tongue

i don't want to hold this anger in fact i'd like to let it shoot out of my palms onto anything, any surface, any face whatever the **** it takes just get the **** out of my head

you smell nice in the shape of a question mark
and your kisses ask me "will you stay"
usually blue, your eyes are dark

glass room
a pharohs tomb, so
everyone on the outside can see

these hearts too restless to ever ignite
say yes when he asks to stay the night

taking you home after a gin and tonic
a flash every few
not from cameras, but from zeus

we sleep parallel
and fit so well
you snore and cough and i don't mind
my hand reaches over and finds your broken spine

the stars sing their only lullaby
he doesn't love you, won't say goodbye

a question mark
a spark

a friends couch, faux fur was your gauze
as you clench your mouth

you're the best, you're the best ever
wipes a bead of sweat, you're my temporary lover
sleep until it is time for brunch
alarm clock is a phone call from your mother

i'm sorry i even tried
i thought i was different, that our spark hadn't died
i'll see you next time
in the shape of a heart

but next time, i won't let you sleep
i'll tear you apart
leave you, grab my things
"until next time,"
in the shape of a scar

The darkest fields, an interlude
to parallel sparkling, suspended
watching eye upon vermilion sky --
like a harbored god pretended.

Killing trees, roots eating deep,
my father mercilessly alluded:
branches high and branches wide
found the sky and intruded.