This was written free-hand; excuse my grammar if it may sound weird but I felt it might be wrong to change it too much since the following is how it flowed inside my head:

Everything is predominantly dark: brown, black, blue, and a sliver of gold paint the scene afore my eyes. An elderly man sits atop a rocking chair. Below the inch of illuminated dust, I see an array of stratified wrinkles... they cover the cheek I once knew to be always a warm, pastel pink...they trace a lip I once knew to be long and quivering, coupled with an anticipating, yet welcoming happy gaze. The endearing purity - that childlike exhilaration and consequent sparkle-- it was a wonder to see that never left his eyes... The wrinkles around them now mimicked those that used to decorate his face when he laughed out of sheer excitement. I remember that in those moments of laughter he’d be able to embody that one noun in a wholesome glory, seemingly no other feelings lending themselves to the elation. I had never encountered anyone else with the ability to do that -- it is one of my only favorite expressions I have found deeply ingrained somewhere within the sand of my mind. It used to remind me of the free spirit I recall to have had as a child... and he coupled it- in what seemed to me a mirror-like manner.
His freedom was a breath of fresh air -- it swept me off my feet and I couldn’t help but breathe it and continue to breathe it..to crave it. I held onto it like it was the last piece of toffee chocolate I would ever eat in my lifetime... But no -- his face was now at peace. It made for an interesting paradox - made evident only to those who’d remembered the appearances of his expressions. His calm was contagious. I felt my heart give a familiar beat: two fast, one slow...that was the rhythm I had met 70 years ago.
His hair had now receded; it was as white as shadowed porcelain. He looked like his father, who I remember held that same potential for his son’s smile. Suddenly, his face turned towards me, quitting its reverie. He held a quizzical expression on his face and although he did not yet move from his seat, I knew that he soon realized who I was...He studied me just the same, drinking in all the information he could possibly gather, still taken aback. I cautiously came closer...three inches away, I knelt before him.
To look at him now felt like an ethereal experience. I momentarily lifted my hand and let out a smile. It felt more of a sigh -- half from happiness, half from awe. Without further thought, I this time bravely lifted my left hand high and in answer to his waiting face, asked: “May I?” Upon a second’s ponder, he gave a slight, yet prominent nod of his head. I brought my hand closer, fifteen degrees from his line of sight, and placed it on his right cheek. To my dismay, he closed his eyes and let his head fall into it, my palm serving as a buttress to his cup. I let out a more excited smile and instantaneously felt trickles of salt fall down my weathered rosy cheeks. His response mirrored mine -- he smiled a full smile against my wrist...his eyes were now closed- elated, that he was. Upon opening his eyes, he anticipated what I might do next: I drew a circle with my eyes around his face, and without a moment’s worth of trepidation, uttered the phrase he once beckoned me before first touching his nose to mine. “May I kiss you?”, I asked. He smiled deeper this time, his wrinkles even more pronounced...It was perhaps to this day the most brilliant sight to ever present itself before me.
Without further adieu I touched my lips to his. It was as chaste, as lovely and full of promise as our first and last.
In the fierce hug we embraced ourselves with to follow, my head once more against his chest, my frame covered with the wonderful arms that I have missed so much, I felt our breaths dwindle away into the rest of forever.
...So I kept my promise: I found life in this man’s arms, and I died in his arms.

Three moments later and 68 years rewinded, I find myself wondering: Is this what our reunion will be like?

There were many questions that swirled around my mind,
And my mind almost always seemed to drift to these riddles every night before I fell asleep.
They were questions that were always left unanswered,
Always left floating midair and in between space and reality.
One was whether or not I wanted to grow up,
The other was if I still loved him,
Another was if I could ever come into terms with the idea of moving on and loving someone else.
I never liked moving on from the past,
And I always seemed to move backwards in my memory,
Replaying all the recorded scenes of life when I was two years old.
I paused and rewinded, paused and rewinded, paused and rewinded —
As if that would help time slow down and stick to the better half of my life.
Well, that wasn’t the case and the world seemed to have a mind of her own.
She played the tape and fast forwarded into the future,
Never once letting me have a second to pause and take a breather.
He moved on like a natural disaster,
A beautiful creation made by Mother Earth herself,
And he was too engrossed in his own superiority that he forgot to take my hand and lead me to safety.
I loved him in many ways and more than my toes and fingers combined.
He was a beautiful creature,
Almost ethereal to the point that I was too afraid to reach out and grasp him.
I loved him in a way more intimate than a mother loving her child,
Someone who sacrifices everything for her loved one’s happiness and to protect him from seeing the dangers of the world.
I loved him more than a mother carrying her unborn child in her womb,
A baby soon to be born into the unknown and into a life full of endless questions that can never be answered.
I loved him more than a barren woman who craved only to hold her own blood in her hands but never seeming to get what she wanted.
I loved him more than anything,
And yet he always found a way to leave before I could even utter the three words, the three syllables, that have become so accustomed to sitting on my lips.

Three years ago four words crossed the threshold of my ear lobes and hypnotized me into a comatose state. only to be awaken by the sound of their sweet puncturing i rewinded these words with hungry haste
rewind rewind
play
these words swan through my canals
  relaxed as they finally found a home once more;
a home they might have already unpacked in,
                                                            p­erhaps in another life.

As they peeled their cloaks and unfolded into the folds of my lobes they sighed with content,
for my revelation was their new beginning
finally finding meaning once again in a universe where you cant live if you don’t have money,
  a sick sweet sour fabricated fact that penetrates the core of their solar plexis
                                leaving them unholy when the money structure takes over
                                holy when thought towers once again

With the ability of a person to move forward these words do no harm inflated with hope perfection honesty, embracing a utopia,
a now reality that you cant find on your starched TV.

Three years ago four words locked in a brassy compass whispered to me change the way you dream the way you perceive and what you do everyday and make sure you let your feet drag the mud behind you as you tow through the thick swamps of hate on the uprising paddleboat plays of justice.

Without her stark voice without The wandering jewess, Jesus-like Judith playing spells on my ears life would not have found a place where it holds comfort in the tempest.
These words like a shelter are my umbrella
but no ordinary umbrella covers here no,
no this umbrella knows when to open its arms to pour oms down my neck when drops are warm like skin on skin
and sunshine is bold like in black and white stills.

When wine is under trees these words will reflect in the crystalline stream I found in my inner cosmos when I was fourteen.

The people will have risen and Cain will have been banished and lovers will still lie limpid and hungry for the words of the storm eyed woman to ring like bells in towers above their heads again.

They are looking for paradise but they don’t know they are already in paradise, paradise now, paradise is now
They are searching for the words they have already heard they just don’t know what has occurred and sweat drips down their stems as they run in their minds to the revolution that has already freed us from the legacy of Cain.
Not for all,
But for us.
      A revolution of the mind.

These words will wake up sleepers and make the banks run after the money no one cares about.
These words are almost too holy for me to say out loud in only one voice they play and in one voice they say,
“TO DO USEFUL WORK”
Those words sing like they are of the angels like they have wings
Those words take their homes not only in my folds by in the white blood cell donuts of my fingertips, defending me from the ****** that say art cannot be my food.

The wandering jewess, Jesus-like Judith carved those words out of freshwater pears for me to drape around my neck like the arms of an infant crossed over the nursing chest.
My fingers wrap around those words like they are the scripture they are the word of my god cleansed by the salt water winds of wooden ships rummaging for rapture and something more than themselves.


Sometimes, wanderers find a home when alphabet fingerprints find a match to their long lost story

And sometimes, the UV rays hit your lens just right so that you can pass through a prism and come out a rainbow

And sometimes, gumballs come out the color you want,

the one that you patiently cranked for.

This addiction I'm addicted to is writing rhymes when I'm missing you I know you want it to like sticky glue I'm picking you straight sticking to you cuz my addiction is I'm addicted to you.
Baby my life is full of scars in my brain from smoking shards everyday getting harder everyday trying to barter everyday just to send you messages everyday in any way that I can.
You think it's easy being a man? when the cops came do you know why I ran? Cuz going to jail zero bail zero mail wasn't the plan. But instead, hugging you loving you rubbing you trying to be a man for you trying to do what I can for you  with a d.o.c. felony warrant out for me not for you I'm crazy over you let's get back to my addiction I'm addicted to you.
It's going to get better well at least in this letter it is. why? because if it wasn't for my guy I d just sit and cry and wished Id die but it seems like he's keeping me alive while I stress hard at night cuz I got no reply my girl didn't press six every time I called I woulda just bawled my eyes out which is usually not allowed in here where fear is considered week you better not leak a tear or you can just push the button and get the **** up out of here but I'm still here faceing three years I thought youd stick with me but why do I feel your unsticking not sticking to me slowly falling off I feel like I'm being robbed without you everything I ever loved is gone because I'm gone?? Where is God? Well, like my kid he's gone and I'm just being real I'm not trying to hate on quote our Creator but he's not here either no disrespect to the readers of this if you're believer I could see why you'd be ****** but really I can care less so let's try to get back to the reason why I'm writing about addiction for no reason or why my hearts supposed to be pumping blood but instead is bleeding like my knees bleeding from kneeing from needing help but not seeing im delt being beat with belts can't go to school with welts cuz they're afraid I'll tell well can you blame me? **** it **** me take a picture and frame me  I'm ashamed I was ever anybody's baby I mean am i going crazy? maybe it's because lately I'm back to not giving a **** I don't believe my luck but I'm forced to with no remorse or chorus I just keep writing of course sitting in jail eating the porridge  we get every morning weather my cellys  snoring it don't matter anymore cuz I'm being filled with hate till the moment I snap or break like taking the juice away I used to pour  in my cake pretty soon it's going to be too late to bring back the man that would have done anything for your *** **** **** I just gotta  give thanks to HATE for putting up with me as I'm stressin G cuz obviously without my ***** I seem a little wobbly wobbling around I swear he knows everything I mean without having to explain anything.
I want to flip out trip out then dip out but I'm stuck here with my **** out as My ***** rips out and dips out with my heart that's scarred now it's hard sometimes when your straight blinded from the outside but reminded by thoughts that are rewinded and replayed everyday i cant get away cuz praying doesn't work so **** the **** that said it would or said it could change my life  instead I struggle just to stay alive and not cry cuz nobody gives a **** about ty. That's why I'm holding on so tight to this girl I've been trying to find my whole life I'm just glad I didn't **** myself with those knives or am I?
I really don't know but I hope my pain in this shows from the highs and lows to the blankets we use as pillows this addiction I'm addicted to is feeling these flows even when nobody knows if when or how the story may go you may be told someday when you're old that your dad didn't make it cuz he couldn't take it no mo now that's just real your dad couldn't heal without you! now to the women he dated and married to make you I swear I don't hate you it's not too late to make it up to you its just hard to be free will they ever release me? I mean the systems like a disease like cancer and *** till your deceased trapped by the ultimate gang of police that does the government's ***** deeds till they feed us full of diseases never release us I mean where is Jesus? They say he died to free us but really I think he committed treason the reason is because he couldn't free us he couldn't be us he escaped back to the safety of the heavenly gates where he could watch people in pain dying everyday women getting ***** kids taken away you ask me God isn't real and Jesus is fake so to the pencil that helped  me write this Thanks.

Listed bookmarks of old, and baited non-benifit of the doubters.

A kind rewinded word of advice heard, pattern of choices and actions made a bested resounding thunderous sound,
near then , how come the doubters tested and warned to the trap not come, where graced benefit of the doubt be a stated consideration on that very **** day?

To the impact indicators blinking a sudden turn of the coat or is it the tail wagged the dog in the fog of a psychological electronic war that must be raging in the minds of the internet cheerful happy people as not it has in the walk and mind of mine, for i laid bare so as to share the scare i knew to find , and thus almost lost it all , wit correction, but you cast a guilt-ed hazy trash to one more that willing to best you and test you for the proven faith and trust he already gave, oh wait, or was that simply entertainment for the view of you ?  so, um, sit down, you could have listened to me and gave benefit of the doubt, or did you forget what all this is truly all about? saving those whom have and  are being manipulated into utter turmoil and death by these blood sport  games in these windows... remember there "friend"?  or is it ol craig and his lists are totally as bad off as little ol me, for shurly you see, that even she is free to some degree and will as i have walked all through , forgiven, yet my dear friend, do you think such grace for me? considering,most forget why the hell we have been doing all this and i walked you all through such ******* things... oh, sorry, i am sure you were getting around to that human trafficking thing, right? well, at least there are good people doing that as we speak, and for them we are grateful, are you?
Oh and no i am not mad nor upset, just disappointed, i always tell you what is coming and to choose. and still i harm you not even if it harm me.

The Unforgiven I,II and III - Metallica - (LYRICS)
h ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-HiAEXQP38

Motörhead - Ace of Spades (slow Acoustic version)
h ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc-PVTj9UCk

AC DC - Who Made Who lyrics
h ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuFq3ynnBo8

AC DC Ride On
h ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugwlIQ8K4Vs

Amanda confidently made the first incision on the corpse, as she’d done many times before. Starting near the right shoulder, she pulled the scalpel through the layers of tissue down the middle of the abdomen. She bobbed her head as she worked, listening to Where Did the Party Go by Fall Out Boy. The pathologist turned away from the body and pushed her long black hair out of her hands with her wrist. Taking her gloves off, she turned the **** on her speaker. “My old aches become new again, my old friends become exes again…” She hummed the tune while securing her locks in a ponytail. Pausing, she picked up her phone and rewinded the music. She could have sworn she Patrick Stump sing the words, “Woah, where did the body go?” Listening closer this time, she started the song. “Woah, where did the party go?” played through the speaker. She shook her head and took another sip of her coffee.
She gazed at the ceiling, bright lights blinding her suddenly. “Jordan!” She waited for a reply. Nothing. She called again. Flustered, she sighed and looked over at the schedule pinned to the wall. Jordan wasn’t scheduled today, Amanda was the only one. “Then why did the lights- Never mind.” She was obviously just tired. Tugging on another pair of gloves, she picked up a pair of forceps and a scalpel and turned back towards the body. It was gone! She looked behind and underneath the table, thinking it had fallen. It wasn’t there. “****! How am I going to explain this to the family?”
“You can’t.” She jumped at the deep, gravelly voice. “Wh-who are you?” she asked with uncertainty. Amanda was too afraid to look him in the face yet. “That’s not important,” the voice replied. “We need you to come with us.”
“We?” She looked towards the direction of the voice. There were thirteen men in black suits with dark shades standing in formation at the door. “Why? Will you tell me where the body is?”
“Just follow us, ma’am. We’ll explain everything in the car.” She followed them out the door. The man who spoke led her to a black Range Rover with extremely tinted windows. Once they were in the car, the man introduced himself. “I’m Peter C. Schultz. I work with the MIB.”
“MIB? Like in that movie with Will Smith?” She sounded confused.
“Exactly. But we don’t get laser guns.” He smiled, hoping to earn her trust.
She laughed softly and looked out the window. “So was he an alien?”
“Possibly. The craft seems to have removed the body, sensing alien DNA in the area.” Peter looked over his shoulder, quickly pulled out of the parking spot and turned onto the highway. Amanda still wasn’t sure if she was awake. Aliens? MIB? A disappearing body? What if they had taken her instead? All types of thoughts swirled through her head.
They arrived at a large, nondescript building. She hopped out of the range rover and shut her door. The men lead her into the building and down the hall to an interrogation room.
“So, Ms. Browne, tell me. Did you notice any strange noises or lights at the time the body “Um. Yeah, yeah, uh, there was. I was listening to music and the lyrics sounded different. I replayed the track and it sounded normal. There was also a bright flash of light right before I noticed the body was gone. I thought it was my assistant, but they didn’t weren’t on the schedule.”
“We’ve heard of the lyrics changing before. The lights are different, they don’t usually come that close.” Peter sighed.
“Before? You mean to tell me people’s bodies have been stolen by aliens before? What the hell?!? Why doesn’t the government tell us these things?” She started to panic.
“Calm down, Ms. Browne. The MIB has it all under control. Amanda stared him in the eyes. “Really? Because there are BODIES missing! That doesn’t seem under control!” She was yelling at this point.
Peter took a step towards her. She continued to glare at him. All of a sudden, his eyes went black. Amanda was confused. This had to be a dream. A lizard like tongue flicked out of Peter’s mouth. Blood poured out of his mouth and dribbled down his chin. She screamed and tried to run. A hand with sharp long nails and slender blue fingers came up from behind her shoulder and covered her mouth. She was instantly silenced. Another hand pushed her back to her chair, the alien body pressing against her. She forcibly sat down. The hands let go of her. The terrified pathologist tried to scream but didn’t have the ability to even whisper. Peter’s form changed into a tall, blue, thin body with disproportionately long arms and neck. She shook from head to toe, when suddenly she heard a strange voice in her mind. It spoke in alien tongue but she could somehow understand it. It said, “Look into the mirror placed in front of you. Be terrified of what you see and know it is your truth.” With shaky hands, she picked up the piece of reflective glass lying in front of her. Bringing it to her face, she looked at the aliens and then herself. She stared back into cold black eyes. She opened her mouth and could see the lizard tongue curled up between her sharp, pointed teeth. She expected to be scared, but instead felt strangely content. She noticed a new hunger awakening from deep inside her. Amanda stood up and walked over to the aliens. Her own kind. She spoke in the native alien language she now had a name for, Kewalanaei. “Do you have anymore of the body left? I need flesh.” Peter grinned toothily and led her into a room where hundreds of bodies lay. They feasted.

The ticking of the clock
It's so annoying
It makes me shift
It drives me crazy

It always makes me wonder
When I'll be able to leave
The ticking of the clock
It's an agony

Why are you always here?
Here to bother me
The ticking of the clock
Thinks I'm full of pity

You were always there
And I didn't know why
The ticking of the clock
Cared for me and cried

Just as I was getting used to it
Day by day
The ticking of the clock
Turned slowly and walked away

I would always wish you gone
The room's now silent
But what I would give
To have the clock rewinded

*~shadow

I wanted to believe.
Thinking that everything that I doubted was for the sake of my useless, worrying mind-
Even though I had a feeling-
That those beautiful days would end-
Decorated with the soft sprinkles of everlasting snow-
Topped with a little light happiness,
I thought and wished that those days would go on forever.
I wanted to think that you were being truthful,
To have no doubt for you-
Even though I had a feeling that you were going to leave me.

Flying into the dark abyss, eyes closed just like a fool’s
The soft sound of sighs pass me
And I can do nothing but try to touch them

The bitterness of coffee is too cruel
For my taste buds,
And I always have to add spoonfuls of sugar, upon sugar,
While you look on, laughing.

Those broken shards of glass falling
I am ashamed to say that too scared for myself,
I didn’t pick them up,
Didn’t rebuild them into what it was rewinded
Running together, the earbuds in my ear kept falling off until you
Told me that it would be easier
To get headphones instead.
Going to store together,
And shopping
Those times were meant to go on forever, really.

That time in winter
Where we lay together in front of the fireplace
Silent, together
I remember thinking-
If this is all, it’s enough.

When you, with nothing but a sad look
Fell off the cliff of sanity
I could do nothing but cry.
Cry useless tears
To bring back the past that would never come back.
Why am I so alone?

How did I not know?
The screams that those silent eyes held-the little spark of pleading and worry in those conflicted pupils-
How did I, so good at reading people, not read you?
It is as if the radio station changed,
Into a different FM, not available in this country.
Why can’t I tune in?
Why are your screams silent?
Is the mute button on?
*If so, where is the volume control?

His presence tagged along behind him like it wanted to.
The old man was genuine and worn like a leather glove, from his bow-legged stance and his unfitting P.O.W M.I.A hat to his squinted-eyed look of disgust and confusion toward the world.
He came from when boys were men.
We stood across from each other like two towers for a moment, then he broke the stare.
He wedged the bow of his pipe between his majestic fingers and pulled it away from his mouth with a tail of smoke.
This man took his time like he had time to take.
He blinked and dampened his lips, the air was ready for him to speak, and with a powerful voice that reflected all of his years and experiences he rumbled: "whats your name, boy?"
It in a sense startled me.
He sounded like a god of a man, and i heard his voice echo in my ears.
I didn't respond.
So he brought his pipe back to his lips and puffed it once, Squinting, but never breaking his heavy stare.
His cane then slipped from his grip and clanked on the tile floor.
Pause, silence, he wobbled slightly.
I cannot explain what happened next..
He spread his fingers and lifted his warped arms to his sides, palms open.
He Was Glowing...
The deep wrinkles in his face and hands began to tighten and his liver spotted skin cleared.
all of his features transformed around his unchanging eyes that continued to keep me in my place, stunned. His youth was being injected back into him. year by year, day by day
Then his flannel shirt, khaki pants and suspenders began to smolder and burn as he rewinded to adolescence.
Still the calm look in his eyes was tied to my head.
When his clothes had finally burned to an ash nothing was left but an infant suspended above the ground.
Squirming and crying reaching out at the air.
Man so Rare.

My life has been the slow motion opening of an eyelid.
Time rewinded in the snapping of an aperture.
Every time the body dies, the mind returns to singularity.
Center. The source from which a new universe shall sprout.
From a fiery phantasm to the spreading of lips,
this beginning is the same on all levels.
Time is an illusion. Space does not exist.
Pseudo-space: The distance between two independent entities.
Space corrected: The overlapping of all dimensionality.
Relative Time: God viewed from every angle in a consecutive order consistently into infinity.
Time Objective: Splitting the atom. One becomes ten thousand. And each one of ten thousand thousands.
To the river, the ocean is flowing.
I have witnessed the birth of stars.

We harmonised perfectly
You were my conductor
From our song I learnt
How to fast forward and forget
How to Rewinded and remember
Even as our song fades away and hits its pause
The beats still go on forever more
You were my one hit wonder
What more could I say?

Day started with happiness....
felt the sun was rising for me ..
yes im going to see him today.....
will he be in uniform.....
or stripped shirt....
Whatever it is,  he is mine

Hot he is with his glamour eyes
cute he is with his ***** cheeks...
all memories rewinded back...
Whatever it is, he is mine

Entered office with a silence ..
heart beats was heard to my ears...
eyes was searching for him...
but only empty chairs and tables was seen..

came to my work station ...
stared at his face...
Whatever it is, he is mine

there came a call saying he has come...
was running to the room...
with happiness which came to me after a long time...
by seeing him..
But he was not ready to see me..
rather he would have thought walls was beautiful than me...
as he was facing it and sitting...

hopes got faded away...
Tears flowed into my eyes....
was it a same person...
who wanted to meet me in peace..
made me to meet him into pieces...
Whatever it is, he is mine...

Saw his side face...his hair,,his shoes...
those beatutiful eyes....which made me to fall into love ...
came with lot happiness went away with lot of sadness...
Whatever it is, you are mine....

Send. With the touch of a button intergalactic waves transport emotions at the speed of light, right? Right. From the moment you followed me back all I was thinking of was some double tapping, mackin' no one night stand at least twice, sike. Haha just kidding focused on you I'm knitting.. sewed my heart on my sleeves. But unless I'm an avatar you won't even notice me.
There's no controlling the scrolling multiple options I'm plotting mentally jotting you see my heart throbbing she's sobbing they party we speak optics... delusional paralysis floating though the air I don't care what dimensions you mention, perception perception perception what you see is a reflection of the depths subconsciously time travels rewinded causing relentless stomach ache connections no more writers block universal inceptions from all directions, pensive.

Last night I was sitting alone
Staring at the stars in the sky
Looking for your face shape
The face that always crossed my mind

Old memories that rewinded in my brain
Took me back to the first time we met
Introducing each others name
I smiled when you told me your name

That beautiful eyes you have
It's like everything stops when you stared at my eyes
I frozed for a while and just admiring that beautiful eyes of yours
I said to myself " God, am i talking to an angel? "

When you told me some stories of your life
I just want to sit and be quiet
Spoiling my ears
Enjoying a beautiful voice of yours

That scent of yours
It's like the smell of heaven
Makes me wonder that
Are you an angel that fall from the heaven?

You are God's most beautiful creation
It's like the " Nothing's perfect " myth is broken by your beauty
Turbulence of love that happened in my heart
Made me fall in love deeply

I even wonder sometimes
Am i deserve to feel all this miracle?
What've I done to get this honor?

Too perfect for a person
Too perfect for a soul
God's most perfect creation
Is you.

your kind
but saddly blinded.

you could rewinded
we could redesigned mankind

when its sunny
i feel awesomely

but only with you.

let's just say that when the rhythm is good,
and you end up catching yourself
with a pen in one hand (between the index
and *******) and the other minding
the rhythm also... a mild sūdokú puzzle
can be a breeze... notably?
    while listening to helena beat
by foster the peopke (which seems to have
a slight accent of gun's song word up.

rewinded the **** song three times,
and ****! the *sūdokú puzzle almost solved
itself...

  never mind that, i already am familiar
with me signing each puzzle, by inserting
the last four numbers, replaced by
greek letters...

   this is the chaotic approach to the linear
projection...
   of? gematria... and i think the hebryes
made a mistake, acquiring this
assyro-babylonian-greek system...
   i think they did the wrong thing,
to me? it's a load of *******...
   might as well solve a sūdokú puzzle,
or do the crossword...
                    it's a bit like saying:
moses and the golden calf:
   the **** have you adopted? what you doing?
you turned authentic prophetic insight
into: a ******* lottery!
              i should know: i'm not playing
this cheap game of ascribing letters numbers
and nullifying the meaning of words
already lost to modern slang...
                the hebryes should be ashamed
of themselves, having lost their way with
due cause by the assyrian, babylonian and greek
"system"...
      it's almost as problematic as iconoclasm...
the hebryes have become iconoclasts of words!
away with your incorporating gematria!
away with you!
          by god, i'll topple this bollocking waste
of language like blinded samson toppled
the temple!
                   you play your little lingo lottery
elsewhere...
         you wasted a decent understanding
of language, and made a golden calf of it...
useless!
            don't you dare to play this gematria
game any time soon...
   learn to gamble... using pennies to
make bets... don't you ******* gamble with
language as you have...
   or instead of hebryes i'll start calling
them philistines of language.

       so i finish my sūdokú puzzles with
inserting the four last blanks with greek letters...
you know what that showed me?
   the rigid learning of the alphabet...
why the said order?
   why not the order that suddenly pops into
your mind,
     namely: it doesn't begin with a, b, c
ending with x, y, z...
        it doesn't have to, personally? if you
remember all of the 26 letters of the latin script:
you're good to go...
    me? i'm still trying to burn an effigy of
the greek alphabet into my head...
   problem is: i've forgotten two letters
(cf. plato's theaetetus, i.e. SO) -
  
but this is how remembered the 22 / 24 of the letters...
oh look, what a lovely ratio...
   0.91666666666666666666666666666666...

well... i could only remember some letters
in their CAPITAL form...
  
  and this is how:

α   β    π   ρ    ω    η     o
         λ   μ   υ   ν    Σ   Γ   χ
             φ    ψ   ε    Ξ    ξ.....

wait a minute...                Ξ = ξ...

     how did i miss iota (ι)?
i admit, it was a rushed experiment of memory...
and this was the first attempt,
   i can't forgive myself for forgetting ι...

point being... the two letters missing?
     Z (zeta) & θ (theta) -
            
                                tiz zee twooth;

then again, i was writing this down
   on a newspaper supplement,
   with a woman showing off her flat stomach
and tensed neckline...
    
            ****... the ration becomes
simpler, just another 0.875...

    but the jews should have never disgraced
themselves playing with gematria...
    prophecy is not a lottery, you can't gamble
with or disgrace words as
                 the assyrians, babylonians
or greeks did...

                 take that little ****-storm of
a game, and feed it to a sūdokú puzzle,
minding the four letters missing,
and for god's sake, pay the due homage
to god's signature on this world...
    
  coming from someone writing in latin text...
you ought to know
   what these past twenty centuries have been
like.

When we die I hope we are reborn as ourselves.
I'd love to meet and fall in love with you
     All over again.

I wish I could unzip your skull and
Caress your brain until you drifted off to
     Sleep. Feeling your dreams

Weave, the circuits entangle and worry
    Unstress at my fingertips.
I wish I could kiss every bad memory

Until there is only us.
I wish we were both happy all the time
And I know that's impossible, but some days

You make it feel so possible, so near, my dearest.

I wish we could float in space with no other company,
Drift until the earth gets lost with the stars, held tightly

At one another's wrists. Beating. Beating. Beating

     Condensed sea's and eidetic sky's.
        I wish I could display my love properly;

Beyond words, beyond flesh,

We are two thirds of a lifetime

And it's one I'll never grow sick of
For as long as you are in my company.

For the moment, hold me close, hold me closer
And let us dream alongside one another, knowing
      Our dreams consist of the other;

Their well-being, their sacrifices, their fears, theirs gripes--
   Their flaws and perks held deep and impeccably still

As a jade flower enwombed to the rarest, blackest of jewels.

As a pulsating constance. As a spectral echo. As a lover
Found and never wanting to fall lost ever again. Yet,

When I die I hope I am rewinded back to my very
First memory. I would love to forget you. Love to hold you
For the very first time for the billionth consecutive time

Without even knowing...

I would love to feel the emptiness that was a world
   Before it was made beautiful, feeling life become something
To be cherished. From first sight to the last, never let me go

And pass alongside me,
Moving throughout me

Some days I think I feel your every heartbeat.
Some days I sense you can feel mine. Be mine and let me be yours.
Whatever may come, whatever may go.
Stay with me and we can outshine any circumstance.

You are my circumstance. You are my beating heart.
You are my life and you my reason for wanting to love myself.

“She whispers through the seams of my pillow with her rasping voice like rewinded records. The anxious beads on my forehead remind me of the dread soon to follow, prayers slip through my teeth like water. With a clenched fist I fight fire with fire. Silken wings lift me beyond this savored reality. Into the depths of my mind we go, sealing our fate. Here I finally see all of your pent up lies, look me in my eyes, tell me one more time. Can’t you tell me all of your secrets? I’ll tell you all of mine. I’ll tell you how I can see the flicker of doubt behind your closed eye, how I can hear the hesitation in your rapidly beating heart. I can feel every decision you make, so when your direction changes I’ll see them before you can direct them from my mind. I’ve captured them all within dreams of mine. Please, just do not lie, I always know, for my raven shows”

"i'm in class,
can you text?"
was me, texting her.

"i wanna hear your voice, feel your arms", came her response,
texting back.

i looked out of the window,
she stood there,
by a taxi in the parking bay.

i sat where i sat,
and rewinded back
to the last time i saw her -

i left her standing there,
pleading heavy
till the wind took her eyes.

i've been a fool
for the most
of this life.

i feel the water rise
in my eyes too, and i quickly sit up straight to still the strain.

there's something
about old pain that feels fresh
everytime i reminisce.

i blink once, and blink again.
and by the time i blink a third,
my mind is made up.

i broke this girl's heart once,
and i'm not
repeating the act.

many men never get
a second chance, but i have one at my disposal in this hour -

whatever i do from this day forth
must define nobility and honour,
i swear it on the 'w' in my name.

"i'm on my way to you," i text.

and from where i sit, i see her smile from the core and it shows up in her movements.

so i get up,
pick my things,
and leave."

All I yearn for is to smile
Without use of force
Want to **** my unhappiness
Can't pinpoint the source

Then life gets worse the more I strive
Don't know what I should do
Hard to see the planet in technicolor
When soaked in shades of blue

All I wanted was within reach
So close could almost touch
Watched it crumble before my eyes
Guess I didn't deserve that much

It is too late to find myself
I am too far gone
Left zero breadcrumbs to retrace
Steps back to the trail I was on

All I longed for was to make my parents proud
Couldn't live up to the task
They hang their heads in shame
Avoiding questions asked

Then life gives different difficulties
Destined for damnation
Appears no matter which path I travel
All lead to the same location

The price to soothe sting of sorrow
Not one cent more than your very own soul
Owe the devil more than I can pay
The debt is taking it's toll

The 'someday' I keep putting off
Might arrive 24 hours too late
Dangerous to gamble with death
I continue to procrastinate

There will come time where I find myself
Backed into some corner
Then must either battle my demons
Or set a date with the coroner

When all I am missing is too challenging to find
Hidden the single place I don't expect
Camouflaged in front of me
Every other place I've double-checked

A little laughter or slightest curve
Of mouth always gives me the slip
Doubt the peace I am desperate for
Ever will rest on my lips

Without my baggage I would be light
Should throw my burdens away
Drifting high into sky like balloons
Wonder how much less I would weigh

The past I play like movie reels
Rewinded in mind
Visiting simpler time and place
Life actually treated me kind

That little fantasy my escape
Reprieve from cruelty I endure
Inclined to believe was exactly as I recall
Honestly I can't be sure

It's time to give up these broken dreams
While I hold pieces hands start bleeding
Scarlet fragments only hold me back
Prevent from succeeding

But for now lift my weary head
Trudge forward best as I can
It's frustrating to navigate this world's twists and turns
Especially without compass or plan

And attempt to muster the necessary courage
To amputate parts of myself I hate
Lack the strength to cut out my weakness
The power to change my fate

If staying where I am stuck in the same spot
I will still be there until I die
It's as if my feet are frozen in cement
Do not understand the reason why

I know am capable of improvement
Because was a better person before
If I was free from chains back then
Who is to say I can't be once more?

What if Love was put in a time-machine
And rewinded back to the past?
What change would you like to see in it?
I for one, would eradicate its selfishness
Why love so few, when the whole world
Is in your hands? Isn’t it what the great men said?
I would also get rid of its leftovers
The pain, the sorrow that it leaves behind
Why not move on and love the next person
More dearly? Why linger?
Lastly, I would wipe off its memories
So that it cannot hurt anyone by reminding the past.
What do you say?

from [redacted]. to [redacted]. to [redacted].

1.
first impressions have always failed us.
i'm sorry.
sweet and shy quickly burned into a numb saccharine.
i apologize for the unpleasantries.
for i know that i may appear gentle but i do bite
and i merely wanted to show you my teeth.

2.
you're beautiful.
i could never tell you so up close
but since we've met, i've counted every lash on your lower lid and chased strays across your cheeks behind my eyes every night before i sleep.

3.
i loved you a stomach's full.
when i got home i rewinded your every word slowly like a vhs tape
dissected and digested each sound steadily
hid every syllable under my tongue to feast upon later
and let the fricatives kiss the front of my teeth.
i let the rolling, darkness of your timbre shiver down my spine and up again.
baby boy, your accent is guttural
yet your tongue never clips.
you give it to me straight,
sweet legato flowing from your lips.
your words are movements
and our conversations symphonic
it hurts most of all that to have earned your silence

4.
would you mind if we just talked some things out?
if you forgot every time i disappointed you
and viewed me as a woman
again.
i don't ask that you forgive me,
but know that i'm sorry.

5.
you made me angry.
a hell of a lot.
teeth shattering
lung seizing
6/8 time signature heart beating
seeing and tasting copper
dog mad
******
and all for reasons i can't admit.

6.
i've loved you a night's full
past the brim of isha
to the lips of salatul duha.
i prayed istikhara in the last third of the night
when God descended to the stars
as if to proclaim my love to Him and the billions of celestial witnesses

7.
i greedily want it all
all of you
to taste every smile
true or for show
to wipe away your tears
and lay your head on my chest
to coax out the little boy inside you're afraid to share with everyone else.
to have your trust and make you feel like a man all the same.
can i be that for you?

I clench jet wings to keep me high and windswept
Open cargo doors to free the heaviness they kept

You knew I’d fly anywhere you led me
You find comfort as my wits neglect me

Press your smile into my neck til I find it
We play like children, spirits rewinded

Sun salutation in darkness - we’re laughing
Til I lose my footing - the darkness creeps back in

In-house clergy clang Hail Mary through my organs
Sick to my stomach, I let a requiem pour in

Stunningly unlovable, the ugliest seductress
Inevitably ******, penance with reluctance

I knew better than to love like before
When swept off my feet I will groan on the floor