I think I should be the poster girl for suicide. Okay, wait listen, I promise that makes sense. There are a certain number of things that a person may show before the commit suicide. I should not hit as many as I do. Oops. There is a handy little guide that goes by IS PATH WARM, which, let’s be honest, is kinda a dumb acronym, but it does seem to be accurate. Once again. Oops. I is for ideation, which kinda means that I’ve been thinking about it. Now, no one else happens to be privy to my thoughts, so I’ll go ahead and let you know that that is a big old check. S is for substance abuse, now, I used to be straight-edged, but that was before I discovered how wonderful being high was. It feels like the biggest weight in the world has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel, well, normal. Another check. Oops. P is for purposefulness. That means that I don’t see a purpose to living. I don’t. Simple as that. Check. A is for anxiety. Every **** day is filled with what if what if what it, and I can’t see how anyone could love me or how anything can get better and what if what if what if I never become anything, or if I just fall off the radar of everything and what if what if what if I just do it, just let go. Check. T is for trapped. Trapped in life, trapped in routine, trapped in my mind, trapped like a rabid animal in a cage, set to be euthanized. There is no way to get better, there is no way to change, everything day in day out is the same. I wake up the same time, go to sleep the same time. Same job, same friend, same same same. Check, check, check. H is for hopelessness. Golly what it must feel like to have hope. To hope that things will get better and change. I gave up on hope a long time ago. What a silly thing hope is. Check. W is for withdraw. Once upon a time I could laugh and smile with my brother, once upon a time I could run to my father and he would catch me no question, once upon a time I could go to my mother with woes about weight and love and friends and life and and and now I can’t. I ruined those relationships. Pulled away because I could feel myself changing, becoming a darker, altered version of the sister and daughter they knew. They didn’t deserve to have to see that, to carry that burden. No, that burden is mine to worry about. Check again. A is for anger. I have been angry about so many things for so long. It ***** that I have to go through this, that my dad got sick, that my mom works every day and doesn’t ask for a thing in return, that all the friends I have ever had have left me, that people move on and pets die and the world keeps on turning even when I have stopped. I’m dizzy because everything and everyone is still moving and I, I am angry. Check. R is for recklessness. Have you ever walked across the busiest street you live by without checking the traffic, or hovered a little too far over the edge of your balcony, started a fight with someone you have no hope of beating, seeing how long you can stay underwater even though you let out your last breath a minute ago, done so many drugs you’ve forgotten what you even took, forgot what you were drinking three no four maybe it was five shots ago? I’d say I’m a little reckless. Check. M is for mood changes. This one is oh so simple. I used to be happy. Check.