do you remember how we decided
to write our fate on the constellations,
how each end met each end with
no spaces between them

i was mistaken to think
that these bonds would last for eternities
because now, i’m met by the truth
and it’s telling me that
the images of our constellations have faded

my stars make up another image from yours,
they no longer flow together like
a seamless blanket over the sky

it is as if you’re attempting to
defy the laws of physics by
trying not to gravitate toward me

but no matter how far you get,
no matter how weak my pull may seem

i still feel the laws of attraction working
because you’re still pulling me to you
and i don’t know what to do

i’ve tried not to notice you anymore
but how could i when no star
could outshine you,
no comet could shoot as fast
as you made my heart beat,
when none of the phases of the moon
could compare to your face?

it’s incredulous to think that in a universe
as large and vast and encompassing as ours,
where there are several earth-like planets
and identical galaxies and similar asteroids
and possibly tens of billions of life forms,
that there could only be one you

it’s unfair how you could be
so special to me whilst
i seem to be replaceable to you

nevertheless

one day, i hope you find
some new stars for you to bind with

and i know that no matter how much
shooting stars i wish upon,
i’d never be a part of your galaxy again

to the first girl i loved;

it still pains me to refer to you as that - the girl i loved first. i feel like so much pain lies in a single phrase; it's such a thing of the past yet there's something so infinite about it

there are so many things i wish i knew from the start like how a simple string of words like the first ones of this letter could hollow me out even more,

like how the pain of you leaving me was so indescribable yet so vivid and striking,

like how love can be so fulfilling yet be so incredibly, indefinitely, and intensely emptying,

like how hard it is to relearn how to sleep, and that when i do learn it, relearn the art of not dreaming about you,

however, i felt like there was something so inevitable about us that it was too obvious to ignore

there is no denying that between two lovers, there will always be one who ends up giving too much, emptying themselves to fill the other, the one who ends up loving more

i knew from the start that i was going to be the one who ended up losing my heart to a girl who wouldn't let me into hers

i'm sorry i expected, i'm sorry i gave you something you never really wanted

__

to you;

i'm sorry that i can't bring myself to reply to your letters

it's not that i'm selfish or that i'm ignoring you; i just don't want to inflict you more pain when pain was all i ever gave to you

it is true, i guess, that you loved me more but i'm sorry you're left with that mindset. i wish i could tell you that one day, you'd find your equilibrium and that i'm sorry it wasn't me.

i am so small,
devoured by
my depression

if i were a flower,
i'd be shrivelled,
on the brink
of being nothing
but soil and dirt

and one day,
i met a boy
who promised
to water me

i promised him
that if he did,
i would grow
and he watered me
day after day,
showered me
abundantly

everyday,
i'd tell him
that i am better,
i have grown 
taller

but he'd grab
my wrist,
measure me
with the ruler
i've created
on my arm

and see that
i've remained
small and 
have gotten
even smaller

he cried and
showered me
with the love in
his salt tears

he cried to me
telling me that
he feared the day
that i would shrink
into nothing,
into death

he watered me
more than before
and his water
was too much

i was flooded,
drowning in
the water
that was supposed
to give me life

there was a girl in class
who had a perfect punctuality report
but always seemed absent to me

and so i asked,
“when you’re in class,
seated a few seats away from me,
where are you really?”

and her eyes spoke

she was not here on earth

she was on the moon,
drinking up the sight of
stars and suns

she was on a distant planet,
fighting up robots
and fiends trying to destroy earth

she was on the sun,
roasting marshmallows
with all the other pretty alien girls

she was everywhere,
she said

she was everywhere
but here

because here was where
reality took place

and reality was no place
for the wandering kind

do you remember the time
you asked me what my fears were?

do you remember the deafening silence
before you said that you feared yourself?

i remember

your hands shook as you told me
that the monsters under your bed
were beginning to sleep beside you
and how their voices are
starting to become the voices
in your head

i remember your restrained tears
when you said that you feel your
heartbeat weakening and your end coming
and you said that that was actually
not what you feared

you said you feared your indifference
to death and how you were beginning
to agree with the nightmares that say
to you that death is sweeter than life

and you said that you were afraid
of how i might get hurt when you go

do you remember what i said?

i bet you do

because you stopped talking after
and i just want to clear that up

when i said “you’re already gone”,

it did not mean that you are no longer
of any significance to me

those words meant that i can see you
i can feel your trembling hand in mine
i can hear your anxious heartbeat

but you are not here

this is not you

this is your emptiness
taking your place

ＯＮＥ:
we were so silent
yet the sound of
our shaking hands
and our eager hearts
filled the air like
the noise of
screaming infants

we were so young,
so innocent and
we just wanted
to break the silence

ＴＷＯ:
a year passed,
and the silence
got more comfortable

it was like
a blanket wrapped
around our
icicle arms

and i loved
this form
of quiet

it was the kind
of silence that
did not make
you crave
for sound

in that moment,
i felt deaf of
earthly noise

and all we
wanted was
to stay wrapped
around each
other's silence

ＴＨＲＥＥ:
and i don't know
when the silence
started to become
painful like a
knife with no handle
that I've been
holding on
too tightly

the feeling
spread from
my fingertips
into the nerves
that scattered
my body and
into my chest
which it deemed
permanent residence

and i can't
blame you
because i know
i hurt you too

we couldn't say
anything because
we gave ourselves
two choices:
speak a war
or let our words
die in our tongues

we chose the latter

we didn't know
what we wanted    

i don't know
what i want      

and we were
so silent

and silent
we remained

she claimed that she was sadness
but i never understood why

in my eyes,
she was a firework display on repeat

she was a sky of infinite stars
and even when i knew it was impossible, i couldn't help but name each one    

she was the feeling of a heart beating,
the song i could never stop singing,
my lungs filling with air
only to have my breath taken
    
and she was cautious,
always careful with me
like the way she was
with her favourite novel

and i tell her that i didn't mind
having wears and tears
i didn't mind being folded
i didn't mind having
my spine broken

because i was hers
and i didn't mind being
an open book

but she was always so tender

and i loved her so much that
i didn't mind the dusk
that accompanied her dawn
because both were beautiful

she was beautiful

so when she said she was sadness
i didn't understand

but if it was true and
if this is what it is like
to be sad,

i never want to be happy again