the train in the distance moans like a lion
searching for its baby cub

and every night I hear this moan
as I lay, sinking slowly into the couch,
wishing for something to take me away

I wonder what happened
why all is lost
why the feelings in my gut are bewildered and tossled

something is different
something's not right

and just like the train
I do this every night

my head felt heavy as I reached in front of me
my heart felt like it was collapsing
I couldn't really think
and I'm not sure if I could even see

everything was red
and you were blue

the wall built around you matched
the color of your piercing eyes as they stared into my soul

your words, hot like coal, made it hard for me to speak

I told you the truth and not anything in between

Do you question me when I look you in the eye?

its that time of year again
when the clocks fall back
and the darkness creeps through the curtains
I keep them closed a lot
    I don't know if it's cold or not
the sunlight kisses the edge of my bed
I dreamt of a life much greater than this
all the flowers inside of me have wilted
I've forgotten to water them since May
My Grandfather would be disappointed

The friends you party with are not really your friends. They’re just there for the ***** and the *** and the drugs and couldn’t care less about the problems you’re dealing with. Find the friends who will stay up all night listening to them no matter how pointless they are.

2. Stop conforming to societys forms of normality. Carry yourself with pride and never let anyones ***** looks get you down. You are beautiful with the way you dress, the way you walk, and the way you talk.

3. If you want to travel and you have no money, make enough to buy a plane ticket and travel. Don’t waste your money on eating out with friends, don’t waste your money on those boots from Macy’s. Save it for the trip.

4. The boy who tells you he loves you but doesn’t make you feel good enough is not someone you should spend any more time with. Just because you don’t have a good enough reason to end the relationship doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You will never question real love when it comes around.

5. If a lie is being said about you, don’t waste your energy fighting it. Your true friends will know what is true and they will be there at the end of it all.

6. Drive. Drive to far places just to see the sights that you don’t see on your everyday drive to work. It’ll make you not hate where you live so much.

7. Go to dinner at your Moms house even though she lives 20 minutes away. She’ll always offer you food to take home and you’ll get to see your favorite animals. She will eventually become your voice of reason and the best, best friend you’ve ever had.

8. When your Dad argues with you try to not take it as personally as you used to when you were a kid. He’s just very stubborn and so are you. Things will look up, don’t lose faith just yet.

9. Always make time to go see your grandparents. They will always be the most understanding, forgiving people in your life. They will ALWAYS have your back.

10. Stop spending so much time on the computer. Books are good, books will always relax you. Read three books at once, buy cook books, books about life, and books about the universe. There is no such thing as useless facts.

11. When your closest friend is depressed, make blanket forts with them, watch happy movies with them and laugh about things that don’t make sense. Be there for them but not out of pity, out of love. One day it may save their life.

12. Be nice, no matter how much you may dislike someone, **** them with kindness because at the end of the day it may help you have a better understanding of who they are. Who knows, you may walk out with a new friend.

13. Don’t believe things when people tell you them. No matter how convincing they may be, don’t trust a word someone says that you haven’t known for more than five years. Chances are they are only telling you what you want to hear.

14. QUALITY over quantity. With everything, always.

15. Don’t feel bad about taking time for yourself. Sometimes it’s too hard to muster up someone else’s problems along with yours. Spread your wings, let go, be free and find yourself.

16. Watch the sunrise once a month because it’s different every time and you will forget your thoughts for a short period of time.

17. When your best friend of five years cries in front of you, be her shoulder, be her back bone. She has fought too many years that her back may be breaking but you are her reinforcement, never let her go.

18. Go hiking and see all the beautiful places you have only seen in photographs. Take time to breathe in the air, take mental pictures of the way the clouds look, remember what shoes you were wearing and how ***** they got. Climb to the highest peak and scream at the top of your lungs.

19. There are better places than home. But home isn’t really where you’ve come from or where you’re going, it’s where you find yourself comfortable. Where you are 100% capable of being yourself. Whether it be with your best friend, at your mothers home, at work, in nature, or by yourself. Find your home - it will always make you feel better.

20. No expectations, no disappointments. The saying goes - do as you would what others to do onto you. But, we all know this isn’t an actual concept, because my friends, chivalry is dead! BUT let me say, when you live life without expectations, you will be very surprised at what will be presented your way.

21. Let yourself loose, don’t be afraid to live. Making adult decisions may be the hardest thing you have to do. You will worry about what your family thinks, what your friends will think, and maybe what your old college professor may think. Your life is your life, DO NOT be afraid to do as you please. And if you fail at something, so what? Get up and try again. Be smart, be vivid, be wise, always be open to learn new things.

uncomfortably comparing myself to
the many souls you’ve been with
yet slowly realizing you’re a
chameleon

your tongue slithers words
that only your brain can fathom
you swear it’s the truth
as you hold knotted fingers
behind your back

you prey
you wait
you seek
you strike

cold hands cover my mouth
and a warm kiss strikes my skin
should I trust your hands
or trust your mouth

I should have ran
when you touched me with the truth
I should have ran
when you kissed me with your lies

lingering like the smell of a cigarette I smoked two and a half years ago and like the stench of whiskey the day after

I vomited
I am vomiting

I remember when i found out
my heart had left my body and my hands were trembling

I remember when you were my best friend and we were inseparable

I remember making forts together with the basement cushions

I remember dancing through the days with the top hits of 2002

I remember when you started staying out all night and sneaking in 

I remember when you changed your friends

I remember when your eyes didn’t look the same

I remember when you showed me a green plant

I remember when you showed me a small pill
I remember when I took drugs with you
and we danced through the day just like old times

I remember when you were dragged down the hallway by your hair
and all I could see was your feet flailing
and all i could hear was your piercing screams

I don’t remember you for fourteen months

until you came back for thanksgiving

I remember your eyes didn’t look the same

I remember your voice was different 

I remember your legs looked like small branches
and your cheeks were sunken in

I don’t remember you for two months

I remember when you went away
and you said you were going to get better

I remember before you left
we laid in my bed
and you showed me your scars
and told me your stories

I remember you looked me in the eyes and told me everything was going to be okay

I remember you crying through the nights
taking endless cold water baths
and throwing up until the sun came up

I remember the day you left and all you wanted to do was smoke one last cigarette

I don’t remember you for three weeks


I remember you when you came back
I remember you gained weight

I remember you looked healthy

I remember you glowing with beauty

I remember my mom finding a spoon in the drawer of the bed side table
with burnt cotton

I remember her telling me not to come home because she didn’t want me to be there when she told you to leave

I remember you called me and you cried
and you said sorry to me

I don’t remember you for eighteen months

until you called your dad three days before my birthday
and said you used his insurance for rehab and you needed money for your prescription

I don’t remember you for two months

I remember you at thanksgiving but your mind wasn’t there 
just your body

I’m sure I won’t remember you for another seven months.

everything is calm -
except the ringing in my ears
the white noise from the fan
attempting to drown it out

i can feel the build up in my nose -
the aftershock of unexpected tears
filling my head like concrete

how many days will i feel this -
how many times can i be so foolish
to subject myself to feeling this way
over and over

over and over


when will it be

enough?

when will you

s
t
o
p
?

I remember the days
I drank whiskey alone
and called myself a fool
because I wanted to forget all
that I’ve ever known

I would relieve myself
and pass out
and wake up
and do it again
because I thought being a fool
was all I could ever do

I remember the days
I drank whiskey alone
and finished a fifth to myself
but no one ever noticed
no one ever asked,
what made it so bad
that I could **** myself every night
and do it all over again
and laugh my life away

I sleep on the right side of the bed,
even though I used to sleep on the left,
or sometimes in the middle,
constantly waking you up for sounding like a pig while you slept.

I don't do the dishes right away anymore,
part of me is waiting for you to knock on the door.

I don't like to drink alcohol because your face has consumed my brain, and just one sip, just one drink, just one shot, is not enough.
Neither is seven.

I am trying so hard to be the bigger person,
to move on,
to grow up,
to mend my broken heart of all of its contusions.

But, broken hearts are not easily mended, and loneliness is not easily fixed when you only have yourself.

Time is the motto,
and patience is the key.

I've been staring at this blank page for over an hour -
trying to think of s o m e t h i n g other than you.

the emotions that could be collected from the entirety of the world wouldn't be able to match what I am feeling about you, "this," "us,"

In the calmest of moments, I am flooded with butterflies -
swarming through my stomach
fluttering their wings.
one of them (I swear) is a hummingbird
humming the most melodic of melodies
soothing my soul
swooning my heart.

In the shakiest of moments,
with the most shocking of news,
I am still
flooded
with
butterflies.
you embrace me and b r e a t h e.
I am relaxed
I am calm

I am here

You bring me back.


I feel softer than I've ever felt-
softer than I ever was

I feel that feeling
that feeling I felt on Christmas morning
seventeen ******* years ago
surrounded by my family, by love, by laughter,

pure bliss...

unadulterated bliss.


you bring me back to someone I've always wanted to find again.

you
bring
me
back

I'm not going anywhere.

seven years ago I used to write everyday 
because if I didn’t write,

I was a day closer to cutting the chord,

snapping the pen,

holding my breath until I couldn’t anymore,

but now I write at 3 am, most nights,

when the hum of the ceiling fan keeps me awake

and my mind slowly runs back and forth like a constantly ticking time clock that never run out of batteries

but now I don’t write with substance 

I write in circles 

and none of it makes any sense,

nor has relevance,

I blame you, for taking my soul with you,

when you gave up on yourself 

and I still believed in you

I blamed myself for awhile,
it wasn't me,
it was you.

I’ve thought so many times 

that I had found that love 
that everyone talks about 
because
I’ve felt butterflies 

I’ve seen the sparks in my own eyes 
when I looked in the mirror

and thought of you 

I’ve realized
this isn’t the way 
you love someone

because love isn’t about the butterflies 
or the Sparks in your eyes

love doesn’t give you the emptiness in your stomach

the worry at three in the morning
love does not discriminate 

love is not angry

love is calm

love is peaceful 

love is watching a sunset after an incredible storm 

love is breathing fresh air

love is standing on a cliff 
and feeling comfort in your eyes

it is the lungs of someone else connecting with yours

inhaling and exhaling
without a worry 

without a care

sometimes we forget 

the movies and books have taught us

that love is riveting
and adventurous 

that love is all over the place 

that love is screaming

that love is blinding

but love is relaxing 

love is like breathing

love is like thinking 

love is natural

love is enticing 

love is easy

love is beautiful

it is calm,
and not only are the street filleds with silent rummbles of small cars on a Sunday,
but the birds have decided to stay slipping into a slumber,
waiting, for the sun, to wake up their pretty eyes

I struggle a lot

and the weight on my shoulders
makes my back ache
more than it already should

and the tears in my eyes
make my vision blurred
more than its supposed to be

and the shaking of my hands
makes my arms weak
and driving more difficult than it seems

I choke when I try to explain
because not everyone understands
and sometimes trying to understand
is trying to see colors
when you’re colorblind
or hear things
when you’re deaf
or take steps
when you’re paralyzed

I struggle a lot
and not every one knows
I struggle
I struggle
I struggle
but I’m still breathing
I’m still grounding
I’m still here

The neighbors dog never stops barking
i don’t remember how many meals
I’ve eaten this week
my hands are shaky and my vision is blurred

The neighbors dog won’t stop barking
I’m laying on the ground
looking up at the sky
the trees dance slowly
it’s a calming site

but the neighbors dog is still barking
the neighbors dog is still
distracting me from breathing

you never loved me
and you made me feel like i could never be loved
you made me feel unwanted and shameful
and i don’t really like to feel shameful

i used to feel that way and I’m not too fond of that feeling
im not too fond of shame because it haunts people
and even though its human nature
it doesn’t make it easier

you never loved me
and you made me feel like i was wrong
but i wasn’t wrong for having friends
you were just jealous
and i’m not fond of jealousy

you never loved me
and you made me feel pain
you made me feel bruises
you made me feel heartbreak
you ripped me to shreds

I never liked it when you hit me

the moon competes with the sun
just like I competed with her long black hair
her piercing eyes that looked like the ocean
and the sky when I would wake up early

I watched the way you looked at her when you thought no one was watching
but I kept an eye out
every time I felt the hairs on my neck stand up

I questioned you about her
you said it was nothing
you told me she was your best
and you’ve known her forever
that nothing would happen
because you knew better

you said you liked her as much as I liked peppers
I used to hate peppers

but I guess things change

I now eat peppers

I’m still getting used to them

and you’re still calling me at 4 AM
asking if I like the taste
and I’m wondering if you really learned to love her

writers block
with so much on my mind
how does one write
when they can't even gather the words
to express the emotions in their mind?

This reminds me of the stories I used to hear,
when God miraculously parted the sea.

Without hesitation, He did it.
Opening up a title wave of emotions
to wash over innocent bystanders.

To not be judged - but to live freely,
without moments of fear.

Sometimes, I feel my heart opening
In places I cannot explain.

Stretching a muscle I have yet to feel,
I have yet to notice,
I have yet to exercise.
And the moments after...
leave a sting so bad.

But, I finally feel like it's worth stretching.
That it's worth... expanding.

Moments like this -
Moments with you -

are always worth the sting.

it comes in waves
like free falling, sky diving,
jumping out of a plane

I believe there would be many moments of fear,
followed by the rush of blood to the head
followed by hope

Ive been waiting a long time for that feeling
that sudden moment of clarity -
that feeling I read about in novels and poetry books,
that feeling they talk about in movies
the look in my step fathers eyes when he looks at my mother

the slow build up of understanding
feeling just... right

where will the time go
if it continues to move so slow?

the world is feeling a lot today -
you can feel it in the pavement
you can see it in the sky
      in the clouds
      in the sprinkling rain

I am feeling a lot today -
its been lingering
that feeling
that feeling that doesn't have a name

overwhelming...
confusing...
unnerving...

allowing yourself to f e e l
is something that doesn't happen often, at least for me

digesting...
breathing...

understanding these emotions
that I've always locked in a box -
I've pretended to feel them before...

but, for the first time in my life
I am feeling
uncomfortable

and it's the first time I've ever actually felt...
c o m f o r t a b l e

The neighbors dog used to dance with elephants across the upstairs floor
but mainly sang with the birds that flew passed the fourth story window
while I slept
while I ate
while I showered
while I danced to my own tune

then I fell head first
into you,

and he stopped.

just like that - he stopped.
just like that - you moved.
just like that - I fell.

i'm debating cutting my hair
and i've spent too long sitting in the shower
trying to wash the dirt off of me

this dirt won't come off
it's all in my mind

I’m trying to understand what happened
and how I got here
and how you got there
by the skin of my teeth
i bleed every month
to live
to breathe
I’m trying to understand what happened
and how i got here
so far from home
so cold
so alone

I’m trying to understand

it's 2:45am
i woke up from dreaming about you

your eyes
bluer than the waters of the gold coast
sweeter than honey, there's an amber tint

your voice
calmer than most
humming harmonious hymns inside my ear drums

your hands softer than velvet
swifter than silk
caressing my skin

your chest is the perfect place
to rest my head
such a tremendous heart
filled with so much  

most nights my dreams are repressed
most nights they mean nothing

this is not a night like most nights

I haven't had one of those since we met

it's hard to fathom words sometimes
when you're swallowed out to sea
and you can only focus on breathing

it's hard to be comfortable
when the life vest disappears,
when the open ocean is in front of you,
when you're at your wits end

it's hard to see the shore
sometimes it seems so far away
i'm too afraid to swim
i'm too afraid to drown

a lot of people take things too seriously
but I think those are the reptiles
the ones who conform

"life isn't all sunshine and rainbows" they said
I laughed skipping off into the distance
seeing rainbows from the blinding sun rays

it's hard to fathom the concept of
unconsciousness
or really, dreaming, as well.
well, because,

do we really understand a dream?

do we understand a nightmare?


do we underst a n d



I'm taking things too seriously,
usually I do not,
don't follow in my shoes.

standing in the middle of a barren desert
my eyes meet the sky --
bluer than usual --
not a single cloud to shield the sun from my pale skin

sometimes the sun sits in a position so high
that I feel like she might just disappear

it might not be a bad thing for us -
for the world -
might shake us

shake us in a way to we need to be shook

it's funny
the way my lips move
in times of uncertainty
the way my hips sway
in times of distress
the way my fingers dance
along each finger tip
feeling one another
trying to grasp the tangible

i've tangled myself between
too many bedsheets
to not understand that
what is in front of me is "it"
that what it in front of me -
is all i've ever yearned for

i've tripped over myself
on too many sidewalk cracks
where i drew my heart
in sidewalk chalk
hoping you wouldn't step on it

i've suffocated my lungs
in too many embraces
that i have a hard time coming to my senses
and differentiating
between
manipulation
or love

i've been let down too many times
that my fingers
and toes
can't keep track anymore

I am jealous of the sheets that hold you
of the way that the sun kisses your face in the morning
of the water in the shower that caresses your skin
of the shoes you slip on
of the boxers hugging your hips
the soap you pump into your palms
the cats watching you dance in the kitchen,

I am jealous of all the things you wouldn't think
and not about the things you would.

3:11am

I’m sweating 

three minutes ago I was freezing 

but I caught myself drowning 
in my feelings of missing you 

and that’s become terrifyingly 
uncomfortable

3:12am

the sheets are still off my bed

they have been since I left 

I’m still laying uncomfortably 

but I can’t muster the courage 
to fix them

3:13am

the candle light flickers

and I think of things we used to do

I didn’t spend too much time with you

why am I feeling so cold again

3:14am

there’s no sense in dwelling

on things out of my control

but I’m playing out scenarios 

of how this could have been

it’s 3:14am 

and I haven’t slipped into 

unconsciousness yet

I’m too afraid to dream 

because I know you’ll be interrupting

3:15am 

I’m still breathing

You smelled like a perfume I smelled a few years ago while dancing with the idea of falling in love
We sat in a dim lit corner as our eyes danced across each feature on our faces -
I glanced at your shirt, trying to figure out if you had galaxies resting on your chest
The wave of your hair
relaxed
care free,
but well groomed
as if you'd made sure each piece was laid in a perfect fashion

the curvature of your chin and the shape of your lips put a weight on my chest just looking at them

Your hand reached out and touched my neck,
softer than velvet, smoother than silk -

My jaw clenched and every word I had said to you replayed back in my thoughts,

over
and
over

until you kissed me-

our mouths open as wide as the sky,
a cloud of birds between them,
the entirely of the world opening beneath me
trees rooting into river beds

I lost it for what felt like hours -

and I Iet go of everything I've ever known about love

something about this,
something about you.

I'm not looking anymore.

i feel the emptiness struggling to find areas in my body that aren't already captivated by her
an addiction i can never seem to shake
watching myself become engulfed by her from the opposite side of the room
dancing to a choreography that has always been instilled in her
im not strong enough to fight her off this time
i want to feel it
i want to feel numb

trauma is stored in places
I do not have access to
in places hidden deep down
beneath the cement walls
where a single padlock key
can unlock what the grim reaper
is hiding, holding his scythe
waiting for me to stop breathing

I turned twenty one today,
and I was hoping I would wake up 21
instead of being awake into my birthday

My thoughts were so loud it was
physically impossible to quiet them

I got a message from you saying you loved me and saying happy birthday before you fell asleep
before I fell asleep  
I smiled and knew I would see you that day

but that day, today, I woke up
after an hour of sleep at 6 am
only to watch the sunrise and share laughs
with my mother whom I shared a bed with that night, instead of you.

I drove around to try and figure out what to do
where to go, what I needed for the day,
I wound up at breakfast with my mother
and breakfast was a disappointment
the unmelted cheese on my breakfast sandwich striked me the wrong way
at breakfast you messaged me with something new that had happened
a people pleaser you are, trying to figure out what's best to do

I went to the house I'm staying at
and I tried to take a nap but my head hurt so bad I laid down for two hours  
then went for a walk

and took a good long look at the city I have moved to,
the city, that makes my heart sing
I took a breath of fresh air and reminded myself that I have chosen to be here

After that I slept
for an hour at that
and at 4:30 pm I had another message
for something else from you
that had come up

I cried and I called you
and we argued for two hours as I stood in the rain in the back yard, once again looking out at the city.

my family didn't go to dinner
because I cried too much to get myself together

I didn't do anything I wanted to do today, on my birthday, my twenty first birthday
supposedly the most memorable birthday in your life
besides fifty I guess

but today I realized that expectations don't exist for some people
and today I realized that birthdays are just another day

"Happy Birthday, Emily." you said,
as my tears ran in direct contact with the shower water

Happy Birthday Emily
Maybe next year will be better

I write poetry in my head quite a lot
but I forget when I wake up
just like I have forgotten how to breathe
somehow that happens in the spaces between your ears
in through your nose
out through your mouth
my parents told me this a lot
when they were together
I don't remember them being together
besides when the argued in the room painted with dandelions
that was my room, my mother painted it
I don't want to be like my parents
I'd rather forget how to breathe
than stab someone's heart

like scraping melted gum off a set of bleachers  
in the middle of a summer in Kansas
peeling back the layers of so many years of damage,
irreparable
in my mind i am a child
running circles around who i am today
laughing and poking fun
at all the wounds on my body
i thought they were pretty once
sometimes they seem like distant memories
sometimes they seem like all i can see
sometimes they are all i can think of

i am wounded
i am laughing
at
myself

upon finally reaching the point of breaking
you ask yourself many questions
to try to understand your own sanity

you wonder if what you have done is right?
if you could have made it easier?
if you could have changed the way things turned out?

but not only do you question these things,
you ask yourself if it was ever really worth it?

the emotions that are pumping and pushing through your veins are only temporary
and there will always be a light in your heart that shines brighter than one thousand suns

pick yourself up and keep going because giving up,
well, giving up is not what life is about.

if I could count the times
I've second guessed my decisions
in the past few months
I would be counting for hours,
maybe days,
or maybe months.

I've experienced
the black hole,
the dead end,
the wrong turn.

I've experienced life.

i find myself wondering through my thoughts quite often.
pulling myself back to the root of
what is -
and what isn't -

the sun moves through so many positions
as does the moon -
as do the stars.

i find myself angry, in my lack of discipline
to push myself to be better -
to be the best that i can be.

i find my heart mimicking the murmur of yours.

through the tears and through the pain -
i am constantly finding my way back to myself

reminding myself that it's okay to not be okay -

and that

everything

will be

okay.

it

will

always

be

okay.

I watched you sleep

your hands pressed to your cheeks 
your belt buckled tight 

you slept in jeans and t-shirts

and said you got used to it

when you didn’t have a home 

when you wandered around with heavy eyes

sleeping under playgrounds 
and waking up to children’s screams

you spoke to me about the days 
when no one loved you 
because all that you did 
was take from them
you spoke to me of days 
when you didn’t think

because you had to many drinks 
and took too many pills 
and broke windows for fun

I watched you sleep and all I could think 
was,
you are the dandelions 

growing in the front of my house 
beautiful but rooted with disfigurement and misunderstanding

I watched you sleep 
and I found refuge in your eyes 

I felt secure and tranquil

I did not see this person you spoke of 
you are immaculate
in all that you are

and all that you were

when I think of the days I've burned at both ends
it's almost as if I'm dreaming
as if the memories I've stored in my head
are distant and non-existent

"Do you see the sky?" I asked
as I waited for a response.

I waited,
and waited
and waited.

I realized that there wouldn't be one,
because the conversationalist
I speak to
(in my head)
has left.

The sun sets to the north of the mountains,
if you're standing in the front yard it's hard to see.

But I see it when I dream,
when I think of happier things,
I wonder why I feel so distant,

I wonder why when I pull my irises back into the socket where they sleep.

"Do you see the sky?" I asked
You responded, finally,

with the most dismal response one could conjur

"that I do."

When all I wanted,
was to share it with you.

Over the past few months 

it’s been easy to get by 

without my mother-

but my father,
on the other hand,
is the pair of scuffed shoes
I keep tucked away in the closet

my favorite shoes,
they once were, 

I wore them until they fell apart


I kept them hidden
so no one could see

that buried underneath all the shoes, 
my once favorite shoes,
lay ruined,

just like my father

who was once
my favorite too

Its hard feeling disconnected, feeling unable to replace the pieces that have been torn apart. Although they are not necessarily torn, or broken, they are bent. They are bent like me, like my brain, like my heart, like my soul, like the bones in my back that have never healed, like the pain in my neck when I lay still in bed.

Finding a solution to a problem isn’t always the best option, but feeling confident is.
I wonder how famous people feel when they realize the only obstacles they have ever had to accomplish were:

1. Reaching fame some how

2. What the general population thinks of their latest scandal

I wonder how my mom still think she’s the greatest person on earth when she isn’t really capable of understanding how I feel, or understanding anything in the realm that doesn’t involve her.

I wonder how my father can be single for 17 years now and never really looked at anyone else, I wonder why he is so reserved, why I’ve never met his friends, why I always question where he is or if he really loves me.

I wonder why the boy I love lays silent when we argue, but jumps to spend quality time with the neighbor downstairs, I wonder why we aren’t how we used to be, why he doesn’t notice when I’m sad anymore. I wonder where the spark in his eyes went. Maybe it was left in New Mexico.
My best friend is detached, and I’m trying trying trying to be there for her. But what do you do when someone is too absorbed in believing things about themselves that it is impossible to help them, impossible to make them feel any better about themselves. 

I spend too much money on drug-store nail polish just to pick it off my nails 4 hours later. I would be writing but there’s no pen in this apartment. The only pen I owned has disappeared. But spending my money on pens doesn’t really seem ideal.

I hate the taste of thick dense beer because it makes my chest clench up. I’m tired of people telling me I need to not be so picky, or “close-minded.”

I hate the word close-minded

I don’t like thick beer because it hurts my chest

Just the same way I don’t like boys who break hearts

But I don’t like girls who break hearts either

and I’m… Well I’m a heartbreaker

So I guess I should add my name on the list of all the people who hate me because that makes sense right? Instead of being a hypocrite, maybe

I kinda lost my train of thought

and now here I am

feeling disconnected, 

from life,

from friends, 

from me.

I am uncomfortable

its quiet, except for the hum of the fan

both fans, I mean,

there’s two,

because its too hot for just one.

it’s quiet, except in my head

there is a drummer,

along with an orchestra,

and a marching band.

some days it’s harder to see straight,

and harder to train my mind to think

correctly and not,

irrationally.

the ceiling fan makes a tapping noise

its very quick,

then stops,

then comes back quick again,

then stops,
and I guess that fan is kind of like me.

I ******* hate the ceiling fan.

social distancing
is something I've been practicing for awhile

I learned it when I was younger
when I was locked in that place

the place with the whitest walls I've ever seen,
the place where eyes weren't eyes,
bodies weren't bodies,
souls weren't souls,
we were all struggling
just to get by
just to get o u t

I don't really like to go back to that place
in my mind
in my head
no, nope, not going back there.

I don't mind the forced distance this time