Why do you insist
On insulting my friends
I'm wondering if the complaints
Will ever end
When will you stop
Mocking and making fun of
The celebrities and characters
Whom I follow and love
And I understand that
You have your own point of view
And you wouldn't like them
But I am not you
And I understand that
You might just need to blow air
But your comments leave me wondering
If you really even care
Because what if I agreed
With them more than you
What if I had traits in common with them
Then what would you do
Would you still accept me
Just as I am
Or would you turn me away
Like a criminal on the lamb
This isn't a poem and it's not meant to be. I just want to make one thing clear. This is more of a rant so ignore this if you'd rather not read. My girlfriend broke up with me tonight. She keeps telling me I'm an amazing guy that I'm a great guy. But yet she's leaving me. For another person nonetheless. The things that does to a person... To be told that they're so amazing that their girlfriend is about to leave them behind for somebody else. I really don't know how to deal with this. I'm trying not to just stay here in my brand bawl my eyes out.
All of those things
Yes "those" things
The ones that keep you up at night
The ones you never want to awknowledge
The ones that haunt you
Yes "those" things
All of "those" things
They make us human
And without them
We wouldn't be who we are today
We all have "those" things
We carry them around in secret
We can act as if they don't exist
But "those" things will never be gone
"Those" things will be buried deep within us
And they will haunt us
Till death do us part
I write this opening line
Such that you will understand the overarching theme
I am disorganized
I am rattling around in a cage within myself
And I don’t want to come out
Listen to the way I communicate
I have fleeting visions
By the time I finish this thought
There is a new beginning
Washing away everything there was before
It is a constant river of thoughts and thoughts about thoughts
That think themselves about themselves
Down the water toward the ocean
Thoughts can only be thoughts
I am rambling you are listening
Take notice of me
Watch me try and traverse this vast stream of consciousness
I cannot reach the shore and if I did it would be disastrous
Love is no joke, but it's funny
She can make smile with just one look
Love is not a game, but I play it
Pretending to reason is my best move
All the laughs ran out though
Now I'm stuck in mirror wishing it was you
My plays are outdated and you know them all
It's a contest I can never win, but I'll keep trying
Not a lover nor a fighter,
That's what I tell myself when it hurts
Just an artist like a writer
Yet with these lines the pain gets worse
You madman ranting in the train
Time sold in that bottle should delay your pain
But what has poisoned you to disordain
Professing the impossible over and over again
"My manhood into" Britain! you claim
The universe is all to blame
Your wishful dreams are driving you insane
To hell with all but what remains
Is just a madman ranting in the train
I don’t know
what the future holds
There is no horoscope, no spell, no psychic
to tell me
what to expect
And when I have family members,
whom I’ve trusted and loved my whole life
telling me that
I’m not ready
I take the words to heart
and doubt myself even more
Why would they tell me that?
I’m already anxious enough
And now I just want to cry
Because I don’t know what to try
I know I’m not ready,
I already told you so
But, as usual, you didn’t listen!
You don’t listen to me,
and then you wonder why I won’t listen to you?
And then you look at me and wait for an answer
and I just can’t respond
Because my brain isn’t processing your words fast enough
And my mouth doesn’t want to open
And apparently that means that I agree with you
“Get a job, you’ll learn,”
conversation over and done
But I’m still processing and you’ve just walked away
And I still have nothing to say
Oh, I’m trying my hardest not to cry
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t be a baby
You’re seventeen years old, don’t be a baby-baby-crybaby
And I wonder what you would do if I told you
there was once a time when I just wanted to die
But that “kid” that I’m “wasting my time with”
saved my life, and
He’s fourteen, dammit, not thirteen,
and he’ll be fifteen next month
But you clearly don’t care
That my emotions are a wreck
and he is the duct tape holding it all together
so I can survive my senior year
You just see the immaturity, irresponsibility, the “hormones” and the “attitude”
You see a stupid lazy teenager who doesn’t have a drive, just a passion
She has potential, but she refuses to tap into it
except for things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things
And she takes it all for granted: the toys and the trips, the money and the tricks
And she thinks her life is soooooo hard and sucks so bad because she doesn’t have wifi
Stop right there.
I know that there are girls my age who have to get dirty so they can eat breakfast,
I know there are girls who live much worse lives.
I know that I’ve had a pretty cushioney life, oh, I definitely know that
And I’m a spoiled brat who can’t think for herself:
Well, yeah, because no one ever gave me a chance to think!
It’s not my fault I’ve been raised as reliant and dependent,
not my fault I wasn’t taught the skills
You want me to learn it? Then teach me!
Don’t wait for me to ask, because I won’t until it’s too late
No, I don’t know what the future holds,
and I’d rather focus on the now
Because even if you’re right, and I end up in a K-Mart working minimum wage,
at least I’ll be alive
At least I haven’t given up
like so many people my age
At least I never ended up on suicide watch
or stashed mind-numbing drugs under my mattress
or stole a bottle of booze
Just be glad for that right now, please
Just let me live my way.
“That's all I've ever felt”
With parents that work too much, and very few friends,
“I never got any help.”
As young siblings we hated each other,
The social gap between me and my best friend grew,
“There really wasn't much else I could do.”
“Is there something wrong with me?”
“Do they not like me?”
“But mom, we never do anything together. We don't go anywhere. And there’s nothing to do at home.”
“That's because we don't have the extra money to do anything fun, sweetie. And I’m sorry, you’ll just have to deal with what we have.”
I don't think she knew that all I would have wanted was a walk in the park together, a block from our house.
“Even then, she never had the time.”
“Why does she have to work so much?”
“Am I really asking for a lot?”
I knew I was no normal child.
But it would have been nice if my father would not have acknowledged it,
If he would have played along like my mother,
To not signal me out so harshly when they had a perfectly good son 3 years older than me.
“Why’d they even have a second child?”
“We all know he’s way better than me.”
“He’ll hardly talk to me… I guess he knows it too…”
“Do I matter to them?”
As I got older, I asked my parents for more things. Simple things. They were simple.
“I swear” “I swear”
“They were simple”
”Am I asking too much?”
However, with these requests came harsh answers, harsher than I expected at age 10.
I eventually learned to quit asking, knowing what the answer would be.
Every time I asked I felt that I would only be an inconvenience.
I felt that I would only cause them trouble.
This was the start of a habit.
“That’s not it.”
“It was more than that”
”It was life lasting”
It was the start of a whole new section of my personality.
The fear of causing trouble to others.
The fear of people going out of their way for me.
“I can give you a ride home from school if you want?”
“I can pay for your lunch today, it's no big deal”
“No, it’s fine really. I’ll figure it out. It’s fine.”
As long as I don't have to feel any guilt,
I promise I won't accept help from you.
I promise I won't accept favors from you.
I promise I wont cause trouble for you.
“I can do this on my own”
”I don’t need help”
”My only request”
”Is to please…..”
Don't let me be an Inconvenience to you.
And I never knew how to explain this dilemma to them. Even now, I feel as if I have not explained it properly. This topic is nothing light to me. I cannot lighten up. This is how I am. I hope that people around me learn to accept this.
"Dad, when is mom supposed to come back?"
- the question remained in my head,
I was too meek to confront my dad with that kind of question.
Next thing, I start hearing my dad telling many that my mom has the return ticket...
But, I didn't pick it up... Too naive? Foolish? Young? I don't know,
But I didn't know it meant something.
Months went by,
And still mom didn't show up.
I didn't think much of it.
And throughout everything,
Neither of them:
Had the decency to break the news to me.
Like, what the fuck?
How dare you separate and leave me to tell my friends that my mom isn't home with me,
And I don't know when she's coming back?
That is the most awkward thing to tell your friends' parents... And you know I don't lie unnecessarily!
Weeks pass by,
Dad introduces me to this lady,
He's always calling someone, "baby" on the phone -
But, it didn't click, I thought dad was just playing around...
"What do you think about having a baby sister?" my dad said - I wish I could have declared him drunk, but he didn't reek of alcohol -
What the fuck?
You've got to be kidding me...
"I don't know" was my reply.
Oh, that lady's moving in now?
Oh, you're getting a divorce?
Oh, you and mom had a dispute?
Oh, you've married that lady?
Oh, I'm having a sister in a few months?
And finally, I pieced the puzzle pieces together : they had been separated - mom didn't want to come back, because she didn't like dad anymore. Dad wasn't cheating on mom, they technically broke up...
For the secrets,
For giving me firsthand experience of bad parenting,
For giving me a reason to disassociate myself from mom and to question dad's innocence
And helping me find a line that expressed my emotions, upon realising that I had been hoping for the impossible, wishing upon a non-existent shooting star,
I love you both with all my heart -
Let me not lie,
Let's leave it at,
Thanks for creating me.
But there's something wrong with secrets,
Something wrong in letting a thirteen year old watch his dad date someone else - while he's patiently waiting for mom's return.
There's something wrong in not telling your son that you're separated - the fight obviously escaped my eyes, in actual fact, I know I had some involvement in the severing of the bond they had.. (but some of those divorce websites things said I shouldn't blame myself, so, umm, it's not my fault? Even though it is?)
Anyways, just trying to say, please handle the fucking divorce properly no child deserves this shit! And also, don't leave your child without giving them a fucking explanation! I mean, how could she just travel and never fucking come back?! What was I supposed to make of the situation - I was not intelligent enough to put the puzzles pieces together.
But nothing wrong with divorce, if it's handled properly!
if there's one thing I've learnt about myself,
is that I am a coward.
I prefer to run away from my problems,
facing them head-on is not my thing;
that's why I feel like running away from you,
yes, I'm actually thinking of it -
well I have been for two years now
(so, I don't know if I have the guts to)
but, it's because you're my greatest problem...
that's why I feel the need to place some distance between you and I.