This paradox has hands
Dancing and groping
Molesting the serenity
Stealing golden sunshine
Ticking and running
Halting unwarned

And it won't let me go
Holding too tightly
Clinging to my frame
Speaking in tongues

Grandfather cuckoo
Unveil your secrets
Allow me to disrobe
Burst into silver stars
Scattering all around
To never be found

Can't shake this dismal dreary feeling
That finally everything is crumbling
Not sweet like a fruity baked confection
But asphalt angrily shaking beneath me
To split wide open and fully swallow
Like my eager younger wild years
Looking for a chest to rest my head
To kiss lips and caress confessions
Descending to look up at and into
A plethora of changing angles and eyes
Lips bitten and smitten quickly departing
Leaving me even more so anxious
Glaring at the swinging arms of clocks
A paradox I've fallen in obsession with
To someday clean this filthy slate
And I feel the Earth start to quake
I'm ready to drink the Kool aid
Ascend beyond the shards of glass
That resembled the twinkle of stars
Knowing that I'll drift to sleep
To foolishly repeat the cycle
Until it's not a false alarm

From ashtrays I rise,
With a cigarette smile.
My circles are smoke,
Small and fading.

Heart heavy,
Sinking quickly,
Sick feeling.

Pursed lips drinking,
Sweet ignorance.
Dancing blissfully,
Tantalizing, tingly.

Heart heavy,
I'm dreaming,
Sick feeling.

Birthed by hatred,
Burning forever.
Fizzled but returned,
In a cloud of smoke.

And when I've made the descent
All there is to ask for is a clean break
Easier for the bone to set together
Fuse back into what it used to be

Caught frozen in frame
Waiting for it to melt away
Fast forward through the dark
Clenched fists and screaming

Appreciate the solitude
Healed bones and muscles
Dance beneath the moon full
Just the spirits and I alone

Pictures dance on lit up screens,
In flashing colors and pearl smiles.
Decorated with inspirational words,
Of a world that we don't really live in.

When screens go dim, we turn somber.
When the noise stops, we panic.

Pictures dance on lit up screens,
Distorted and modified until content.
Decorated in frames and cartoon flowers,
Edited until almost unrecognizable.

Confused when mirrors speak truth,
Feeling alone inside of a crowded room.

Pictures dance on lit up screens,
With chords attached to our limbs.
Comfortable in our edited skin,
"We're literally living for everything"...

Could my soul mate be,
A tree in a field all alone,
Or a street painter in Paris,
Or an opulent Arabian king.

Could my soul mate be,
A stone in a babbling brook,
Or a wise old widower,
Or a shaggy urban pan handler.

Could my soul mate be,
Also trying to search for me,
Or has the world made them hard,
Or has someone put out the flame.

Could my soul mate be,
The complete opposite of me,
Or are we eerily similar,
Or do we not even care.

Could my soul mate be,
Here sooner than later,
Or do I have to wait forever,
Or do they just not exist.

Clouds spread in shapes above my face,
Where the grass had morphed into pillows.
Not much thought tread through my mind,
During that beautifully sought quiet time.
To my side spread out a collection of trees,
Rustling against the breeze and calling me.

I never payed much attention to the sound,
Until the canvas was totally free of clouds.
Curiosity clenched it's hand over mine,
Without resistance we followed the noise.
The sun began to chase the horizon,
But there was a light not much further.

My pace quickened trying to find,
That strange glow in the dark forest.
Time never once crossed my mind,
I had no recollection or measurement,
Of how long I had been chasing the light.
All I knew was that I would bask in it.

The sun never rose again,
I never left that forest.
The glow teases me still,
As if I hadn't realized.
My legs never tire,
And I've no need to breathe.

I can't put my finger,
On this scent that lingers,
Between these four walls.
A smile starts to form here,
But fades into gloomy lines,
I'm unaware as to why.

Locked doors behind my eyes,
Pounding until I'm asleep.
There's something decadent,
Gracing the air in this room.
Lips blurry and in no hurry,
To choose an emotion.

My lids flutter to a closed sign,
No lights or occupied bar stools,
But faint music echoes whispering,
The pounding is now soft bass.
And I can fully see your face,
And smell your laundry detergent.

This plague is disastrous...
No casualties quite yet,
But my skin does bubble,
And my soul itches constantly.

I'm sure you're somewhere,
Doing something with someone,
Letting me drop so far
Into your unvisited archives.

Back with the forceps,
And your grand confusion,
Of who or what you thought
You needed to be.

The cough has calmed,
Dreams grow a little strange,
I think of you only once in a while,
But you still are my plague.

When the sun came up,
The ocean ate her.
She sat on the beach
and patiently waited.

Starlight spoke to her,
Before the sun took over.
Planted the seed deep,
She'd be dead at dusk.

Fear has a sour taste,
She never got used to it.
Anticipation made her sick,
Ignorance helped it grow.

The shore was serene,
The sea was on fire.
Her feet were frigid,
Her body soon followed.

I'm keeping the last drop in the drawer
Beside me inside my bedside table
Where once both of our things littered
Atop that cheap Ikea wrongly assembled
Square that posed as a treasure chest
And doubled as dining table and trash can

The last drop of romantic feelings
That weren't dead on impact upon
The drunken uselessly endless aggressive
Words spat sitting at the kitchen table
Where I was fighting to be numb
And you were fighting to be loved

When I'm healthy enough to gear out of
Autopilot and back into attempting to try
Accepting the rush of human experience
I can put that drop under microscope
And get experimental with how to love
Without purposely trying to drown myself

I follow your dark cloud
Never bringing an umbrella
Saturated in all of your sadness
Shaken by your thunder bursts
Shocked when you get electric
And pushed aside in your gusts
I'm sure to most it may seem odd
Just extremely harsh and exhausting
But to all those who find me mad
You've never seen his light shine
Gently spread over a meadow
Or heard his booming laughter
Or basked in the warmth of his smile
Or have had his fingers in your hair
So I follow his dark cloud
And walk through all his storms
So that I may lie down in the grass
And drink in all of his warmth

Realistically,
My house could collapse,
At this exact moment,
While I sit here pondering;
Writhing in the glimmering
Aftermath of yet another
Fantastic anxiety attack.

Every morning is a success,
A battle finished in my favor;
Especially with these walls,
Standing strong around me.
For some reason my anxiety,
Is afraid of daylight,
So I savor sunshine.

Crystal clear,
This bitter sweet memory,
When time was golden,
And everything was fine.

Ash soon did cover,
And not much was clear.

Until the other day,
You sat on my porch,
Crystal clear,
And I felt alright.

The smoke was an offering,
Mostly to memory,
And all I lost,
When your flame died.

Eyelash
Delicately sitting
On the apple
Fallen not too far
From the tree

Candles blown
Wishes askew
Pearlescent hue
Dreams of you
My apple

Fallen
Or tossed
Regardless
Mine,
I thought

Breeze felt from your wings,
Hovering like a humming bird,
When my heart is steady,
And my body fast asleep.

Lips caress my cheek,
And your gaze burns my face,
But I refuse to wake,
Because I'm stubborn.

Your breath invades my dreams,
Stealing away my hiding place,
And a thundering whisper calls,
For me to draw the curtains.

Warmth like sunlight at night,
But you can stare and not squint.
Cells tingle beneath the weight,
Never crushed just tickled.
Breath leaves in soft waves,
That crash against rocky shores.

Ships collide,
And ships sink.

I guess I'll watch you drown
Let me put on my clown nose
Then you can waste my time
Articulating why I'm so awful
For wanting you to be okay

I guess you'll be going soon
Up to the Coors light mountains
Then maybe down to Miami
Where you'll come to realize
I was only speaking the truth

Or maybe you'll linger here longer
And use me as target practice
Because you just could not
Get yourself up out of bed
And immersed into the world

You only ever talk about

I think I prefer him on the down low
Getting him on the cellular is a no go
Stays ringing in my heart and ears
I want his backhand and his tears
Creeping during the darkest hour
He is my nightshade poison flower

Bad boy with bulging veins
Stripped down to his pain
And he's not so tough anymore
He's got the sweetest core

I think I prefer him on the down low
Plan a date in the day and he's a no show
Leave my midnight window ajar
Like an alley cat he's never too far
My thighs double as his pillow
Got that sadness like the willow

Bad boy covered in ****** ink
But he smiles and I sink
And he's not so tough anymore
When his clothes hit the floor

Not man enough for me, Adam
Your garden brings me grief
He opened up his darksome gates
And granted me sweet relief

Poison apple sits heavy
From lush tree to teeth
To caught in your throat
But alas Eve was the thief

My children are set free
Roaming in the shadows
I am not a grieving woman
But I am a widow

I've tasted the bitterness of cruelty,
And sat in a circle of salt to purify;
There I was able to quiet my mind,
And sweeten what was left behind.

Anger has heated my flesh before,
To a rose licked hue of rage;
Decisions were made to ignore,
I found wisdom without the age.

I've felt the hug of cool blue,
and the rain that always follows;
Found myself almost six feet down,
But I refused to be hollow.

Suddenly I'm the magazine stuffed
Between your mattress and box spring
A corner folded down to keep place
Of the picture that gets you excited

Submerged in murky secrecy
Covered in a sticky substance
Visited when no one is around
When your desire is too loud

If there's a space inside,
I'd love if I could occupy.
Two patches just waiting,
To be sewn to a denim jacket.
Perhaps side by side?
Fibers barely touching.

I'd be happy to be your company,
Growing into gentle brush strokes.
Sunlight setting your eyes on fire,
Amber glow that keeps me warm.

If there's a space inside,
I'd very much like to occupy.
Destroy that vacancy sign,
And turn your heart into home.
Just two patches who,
Finally found their jacket.

Crash landed before midnight,
No clear mission was given.
Light surrounded my cradle,
Quickly collected information.
Quivered, crawled, and ran,
The challenges grew rougher.

My hands stayed pretty soft,
My heart was full of light.

Crash landed into his arms,
Not old enough to understand.
Light surrounded his mattress,
I softly stroked his cheek.
Quivered, crawled, and ran,
Home when my heart cracked.

My hands stayed pretty soft,
My heart had lost some light.

Crash landed into a new home,
Everything I'd lost was found,
Light surrounded that house,
My panic faded in lacy wisps.
Quivered, crawled, and ran,
Home when the casket closed.

My hands stayed pretty soft,
My heart was now a hole.

Crashing and careless,
Everything stayed ruined.
Light packed up and left,
Panic moved back in.
I barely moved an inch,
Adapt or die.

My hands stayed soft,
My heart found a spark.

Crash landed into reality,
Where no one had waited.
Light flicked and then stayed,
I evicted my anxiety.
Quivered, crawled, and ran,
Into the morning with a plan.

Stretch the muscle to feel,
Find only air and familiar void.
Skin seems lame in a shade of gray,
Where scars hold no more memory.

Loss is a nasty whisper,
Beckons you to be alone,
Then punishes when lonely,
Crashing into a sea of gray.

A smile once was alive,
But now is forced mechanics.
Loss is a nasty whisper,
That progressed to shouting.

It just ain't in the cards kid
And I want to scream shuffle
But that's not quite how it works
So I put my head in the clouds
Waiting for the night to fall
So that I may rearrange the stars
And so it goes that I can not reach
And the clouds and I begin to weep
I climb atop my mattress so tired
Content to drift into sweet dreaming
Where my desires kindly greet me
And stay until the sun gets out of bed
And I retreat back inside of my head
To formulate a spectacular plan
To manifest my dreams to infiltrate
The dimension where I am awake

Pineapple.
I'll hold you forever.
Stay right here,
Warm beside me,
In this disheveled bed,
Skin touching skin,
And then back in.

Curved lips,
Sick chuckle,
Raw dog,
White knuckle,
Belt buckle;
A couple

Cool wet water,
Nightstand,
Long weekend,
Hand in hand,
Sun descends,
I descend,
Pineapple.

Prophecies in the scrying mirror
Something had gone totally awry
I'd taken the wrong prong in the fork
And have been obsessively wondering why
My dreams and intentions were simple
Build a galaxy and life with my love
But he was just a crow painted white
The peaceful milky shade of a dove
This dream must come to a flat line
A ****** from within must ensue
This secret depressions gone on too long
A rewiring and new outlook is due

Contortions and words,
Blended into bliss,
Awaiting midnight,
To kiss the stars.

North wind is angry,
The chimes sing heavy,
Hands cupped and catching,
Refreshing breeze.

To me it's not a craft,
It's an understanding,
Of completely being,
And completely letting go.

There's a door I can not open
Not locked just jammed
Taunting and beckoning
I've been away on a journey
Trying to acquire peace

There's someone behind the door
I hear whispering while I sleep
Soft breathing during the day
To venture onward feels
Somewhat sacrificial

I don't want to lose the rope
Break my fingers and descend
Regressing back to the bottom
Wading in the shallow waters
Of the deep grim well

But the scratching never stops
Curiosity is a rolling boil
There's an axe down in storage
They say peace comes at night
So I'll begin in the morning

Take me to your paradise
The soft noises escaping
Like breath but boisterous
Slow rising and falling
Eyes fixated on mine

You can be my youth fountain
Fix what was broken the last time
I was sprawled beneath a body
That lasted far beyond the sell date

I'll take you to my paradise
All the curves and pressure points
Teeth to make soft impressions
As fireworks light up our sky
And we stay connected in the moment

Perhaps I can't be understood,
Despite the blatant simplicity.
Has it been a curse the whole time?
Have I been blind and wrong?
All I know is what I feel,
And everything I feel kills me.

This voyage is a challenge,
I've felt brittle a long while.

There's a longing that's been there,
Since I could even remember.
I've been left alone for so long,
Finding normalcy in my bubble.
All I know is what I feel,
And everything I feel kills me.

Desire is only funny,
When it's gone.
Diluted to only water,
Where when tasted,
You feel refreshed,
and not disgusted.

My desires remain,
and when rage boiled,
They didn't evaporate,
But turned into syrup...
Concentrated,
And gross to taste.

Gross to talk about,
***** to remember,
And painful to the tongue,
Where once you were,
Essence sitting,
And I swallowed...

More than once.

Scotch tape and super glue,
To keep me all collected.
Chewing gum and safety pins,
Those also work in a pinch.

Cement strapping me down,
When I just want to float away.
Counting sheep gets boring,
These days everything is dull.

Feelings are hard to organize,
Sometimes harder to express.
I can be really fine on the outside,
But this interior is a mess.

Some days I want to unravel,
Let everything just slip away.
My hands are calloused and dry,
From gripping too **** tightly.

I wonder how it feels to be weightless,
To forgive and forget and breathe.
To wake up refreshed and ready,
No glue or gum or pins or tape.

Seattle eyes,
Longing, searching,
Filling and flowing,
To be earthed,
With arms open
In a puddle

Phoenix lips,
Pursed, bitten,
Scabbed at the corners
Red in the center
Waving cautiously
To Seattle draught

New York fingers,
Fidgeting, picking,
Anxiously waiting
For the electricity
Of a subway stare,
"Get the **** over here".

Pressure,
It interrupts my sleep
And hides diamonds
Deep in it's womb

Only darkness
Like the quaint
Colonial home
My anxiety squats in

Pressure
Washing the walls
Opening the windows
Evicting this despair

Pure thoughts come too,
At night when I think of you;
Like the brightness in your eyes,
And sincerity of your smile...
Small details that wouldn't matter,
To anyone who only glanced.

I'm a fool for thinking of you,
Because it ends before it starts,
But how swiftly sinks the heart,
And your grin pulls at my strings.

Soon our conversation will die,
And the pressure will subside,
While I watch your number sink,
To the bottom of my cell phone.
Because it ends before it starts,
And so swiftly sinks the heart.

It's not my job to worry
It's my job to experience
To feel what I feel
To then release what I feel
Like a breath of smoke
Like a conscious exhale
To be downloaded
Added to the collection
To later be reviewed
Prior to being released
Back down with the sheep

Sedimentary in deep black pools
With blueish bright boundaries
Blinking far less than needing to
Sinking with cement ankle thoughts
Bubbles of air lazily finding the surface
To burst and very quickly blend in

With permission I'd dive inside
To sink to your depth and sit beside
Far down where in darkness you reside
A locked up cage that you're confined

Let those sad eyes fill and spill
I'll find the bottom and retrieve
Disturb the surface with your vessel
Create some ripples and leave
Because all you have is fear
And I can see in the dark