To have it all and
Pretend to be content
Uncomfortable
Behind walls
Self constructed
Constricted

Autopilot,
Sincerest smile
Removed and reused
Constantly recycled
Carefully Rehearsed
Exhausted

Chemical imbalance
Shadows shifting
Internal conflict
Overstimulated
Collecting control
Repeat upon waking

Fine mist permeates
Decorated, adorned
Sweet caresses
Glistening, drenched
Pulse points pounding
Pheromones

Inhale deeply
Influx of images
Some imaginary
Most are memories
Muffled deep within
Beneath the subcutis

Dewy skin
Silver shift
Moonlit dancing
Forceful invitations
Disrobed temples
Soft moans

A memory emerges
Like a toxic bubble
Making it's way up
Through the sludge
Emitting such a
Rancid smell
From where it came
From where it dwells
Twisted and lonesome
Waiting for night to fall
And then it crawls
From the black pit
Of discarded times
And it bites my hand
And the venom courses
Making it's way hastily
To my heart feeling heavy
And I want to end it all
I am embarrassed so badly
And I feel a heavy sadness
And if I could I truly would
Go back in time and erase it
But it happened
It occured
It's absurd
But before the venom reaches
And stops my pumping valves
I forgive myself
And the creature goes away
Taking it's poison along
Back down to it's dank hole
And I seal it's awful opening
And I refuse to go back
And I keep looking forward

Burnt orange eyes,
Craving those brooding,
Deep voice cooing,
Decadent and distorted.

Undeserved inquiry,
Lips pursed and thirsty,
Caution tape ignored,
To be your crime scene.

Mascara on your cheek,
Lipstick bleeding,
Bite marks impressed,
Of course with warning.

Burnt orange eyes,
Specs of red glimmer,
Might you be the saint,
And I the sinner.

At times I wish I had the ability
To transform myself into a small
Round Alka seltzer tablet and
Drop myself into the raging sea
To dissolve and disperse into
A million small bubbles fizzing
To reach the top and dissipate
Seeing the sunrise pink and orange
Thousands of times before
Never seeing anything ever again

Here I am dedicated to my rituals
Sending ripples to one day caress
You're facing the north drinking
The horizon and winds of change
Growing tired of your own rituals
A sparrow is born and growing
To disrupt your brooding gaze
Join me in the sky in time
I'll share with you my star shards
I'll root you in my soft earth
I'll introduce you to my rituals
I'll finally caress that face
Facing the south speaking
Affirmations of gratitude

Because the landslide brought me down
But it's okay for I'm made of Earth
Taurus is my sun sign but I moon bathe
In Aries which didn't make much sense
Until I realized how much I love candles
But I rise in Capricorn which is perfect
I find myself almost always grounded
But my Venus is in Cancer waters
And I wade in dark emotional pools
Where there's room for more than two
I traded champagne for soda water
Because my soul began to drown
But I'm decorated in crystal jewels
And my lair is filled with soft warm
Candles glowing and dry dead flowers
Stacks of books and spiritual statues
Keeping true to my astrological identity
Because the landside brought me down
And other than stars I am Earth

Fixation
False prophet
Following
Sweating
Showering
Salivating
Submissive

Clutch your cross
Getting nailed
Deep breaths
Derailed

Worshiped
Leather licked
Rebuked
Invoked
Delivered
Baptized
Kept

I just want to be wanted
Rarely ever received
Like the arcade prize
Everyone ogles at
But never takes home
Despite countless coins
And food court tantrums

Except for that sweet blue moon
When I want to just combust
Into a billion cells floating free
With you breathing on my neck
And your fingers on my skin
And we go so deep

Particles burst on black bedding
And I let you touch me as we sleep
The sun rises and the blue is gone
Good old silver shimmer beams
Where I touch myself as needed
With no hot breath infiltrating
Comfortably combusting alone

I don't think I was born to be satisfied
Whatever created me was vengeful
Inching so close to finally feeling whole
To crumble all at once into the ocean
And he watches me claw my way to shore
And he huffs and sends me a storm
But I survive the gusts as he wishes
Drenched and humbled finding a home
Finding a lap to finally rest my head
And a hand to tether me sweetly down
And I thought that I had found it all
But something inside of me is broken
I don't think I was born to be satisfied
I'm quickly coming to terms with this
And I know he will have the last laugh
And he'll push and pull me endlessly
So I will never really get comfortable
As I know he will yank the carpet
And I will sink down to the sea floor
And because he is the great creator
He will resurrect my bloated body
Squeeze the moisture from within me
And return me to the path of reaching
For things I never will truly grasp

Completely chaotic
Freeway after sunset
Collection of stars
A procession of scars
Still glistening with
Menthol chapstick
From hours before
When he wasn't alone

Completely prepared
To descend hastily
Into the strobes
Air whooshing by
Howling as if to mock
To invite maliciously
To satiate the hunger
To fully eradicate

He spoke often softly
Of this phantom sickness
Blackening the day
Molesting the future
Ruining his plans to stay
Completely chaotic
Freeway after sunset
Into the strobes

I'd be lying if I said I didn't at least wish
For things to be a little different
But I chose each of these paths branching
And sometimes I want to weep
Alone in the forest with the willows
But I sigh deeply and alone
In a mountain of soft pillows
So I suppose things could be worse

I know so many more sunrises are coming
And there's still time for transformation
But it's hard to rise and not want to sleep
And these molehills seem so steep

I'd be lying if I said I have been content
There's just no excitement anymore
I used to be vibrant neon sweet
Now I feel like a box of stale cornflakes
With an AARP discount on the back
A water damaged readers digest
Scrambling to try and find the cool me
In this sea of melancholy poetry

Heaven knows you're not home
I don't think I'll ever not be here
You drifted out past the sun
I'll one day be tangled in the vines
Held captive in a ghostly garden
Singing the saddest songs I know

Send a gust to loosen the leaves
Make everything fall around me
I'll make it to the light one day
You'll be so bronzed by then
You'll be someone new by then
I don't think I'll ever not be me

Venture to our secret place
Even in storms severe
No one can keep me away
Under your galaxy shrine
Simmer in my longing

Incredible how long I've held onto
Something so awfully pointless

Certainly I will be released
Rid myself of this obsession
Your image to one day fade
Ice melting to evaporate
Noticing a weight lifting
Glimpses of finding freedom

Constellation Kaleidoscope
Blue and grey plaid flannel
Marlboro reds infiltrating
Front left pocket
Millions of miles
Eyes travel to your smile

Red embers sizzle
Smoke slowly escapes
Michaelangelo sculpted lips
My walking cathedral
Requested sanctuary
My prayers elevated

Constellation Kaleidoscope
Cells growing and dying
Shooting star wishes
To be held betwixt
Your middle and index
To be completely inside you

He echoes
It's quite vivid
For short moments
But then it melts
It evaporates
Scared cloud
Sporadic tears
Whispering
Soft words
Whipped cream
But salt instead
Of saccharine

How long have you been bitter?
These days drift and collide
With rough deep bellied roars
But some days just a squeak
A ghostly moan in the hallway
Car collision wreckage squeal

He echoes
It's monotonous
For long moments
Seemingly endless
Dismal dreaming
Escape routes
Vision boards
A map to nowhere
It's quite vivid
When I'm alone

I should be used to this by now
And I think that I might be
But sparkles of hope seep through
Some specs of green and ice blue
Swirl dimly on the wooden floor
Swept thoroughly this afternoon
And I gaze down almost longingly
Remembering when I shimmered too
Careless and free with my youth
But now resorted to rationing
Eating pills and smearing creams
Praying for strong elasticity
So that I may be stunning
When a flicker finds my gaze
Just a gentlemen passing by
Intrigued by my blue eyes
And the sparkles in his stomach
The same as the ones in mine

Particles scattered once again
Humility found beneath debris
High pitched tones in each corner
Sinking quickly down into the sea
Brisk flashes fill the night
A haunted lullaby repeated
Wailing mothers and children
And sirens simply screaming
Chaos ensues and it envelopes
The soul like a gold cast
With prayers ascending
To be immediately ignored
Brought back to the dark ages
Soul torn from flesh
Dripping crimson pleading
Peace is an easy concept
When the only war you've ever known
Is the one that rages deep inside
From when home didn't feel like home

I realized as I was skimming
The tattered debris of my mind
That it had been quite some time
Since I had summoned you

I suppose I was relieved
I cast you back into the pond
I hope you settled at the bottom
I'll avoid the surface for a while

I dreamed of the apocalypse again
It's not as scary as one would think
I'm used to the bleak kiss of goodbye
I've almost always felt hollow

Ticking,
Oh and slipping...
Fingertips,
Strands of hair,
Moon water,
Fall air

Dried roses,
Dead vines,
Alarms howling,
Devastated,
Over stayed,
Alabaster

Gray tones,
Mature bones,
Cracked lips,
Tired hips,
Waiting,
Emaciated

Six feet below,
Light years above,
Hollow cave,
Pure white dove,
Black veils,
Black blood