When I see the news stories
And read the vile comments
I’m reminded of my own
And how for him it’s past tense
But for me and for them
It’s every day
We live with that pain and that shame and that
Way of surviving
Like no one ever ripped out your heart
Like your dignity wasn’t stripped from you
Disbelieved in court
Ridiculed on Facebook
And ******* about in bars
‘This tortures him too’
‘He’s always been fine with me’
That’s what we hear when we try to seek
Validation from those who know our abusers
scepticism and the audacity to accuse us
Of being dramatic, of lying, exaggeration
Well tell me where is the dramatisation
In the fact that in my story when he was done
He wrote ‘No’ on my wall in permanent marker
To reminded him that next time ‘No’ is the answer
Like he should need reminding when he heard it from me
But I am a woman, was a girl
So you see
What I do doesn’t matter
Which sadly is proved
When today we read of Sarah Everard in the news

I belong to the far reaching sea,
I will have nothing if it will not have me.
I am born of the froth, and the waves marching strong.
I will die with the salt, and the fish all in throngs.
I have only one truth that I know to be true,
The ocean won’t falter when fickle men do.
Of all of the things I think myself to be,
Of just one I am sure,
I belong to the sea.

With my hips I sign my name
Into your pleasure,
Deeply,
Slow.
I cast my spell into your breath
And watch you fall
Below.
You’re sinking into me whether you
Like it, or you
Don’t.
Admit your love, succumb to me
My love, don’t sink
Just float.

Soft lyrics billow from the next room,
Wrapping their syllables around my body.  
Drenching my skin in warm, buttery tunes.
Floating behind the words on the page,
As I watch the stories unfurl from my book.
Sometimes I forget that I’m reading,
I can see everything as clearly as the island
From my beach on a still July morning.
My eyes stop seeing and my fingers
no longer turn the pages,
I am part of the tale.
Engulfed by the stark poetry of being alive.
A passive, invisible witness to the lives of the characters,
As they run across my mind and live onwards in my imagination.

Curling I knew you
Curling I waited
Curling we reunited
Sleeping you met me
Sleeping you loved
Sleeping you lied and wasted
Reeling I tried
Reeling I changed
Reeling I sacrificed
Lazing you lost
Lazing you ruined
And lazing you’ll stay forever

Silence like treacle
Dripping on my ear drums
Drumming sweet beats that
Match my slowing breath
Thicker than blood and
More rancid than bile
Sitting on my forehead
And telling me to sleep
Someone say a word in this
Congealing quiet night
Make shapes with your mouth
And speak directly to my soul

You’re like a bruise that I can’t remember getting.
You just appeared one day,
And now I look different.

It’s been a year now since I held your life.
Over a year since I saw you leave me.
Over 12 months since I let you go,
I wish I hadn’t.
I wish I’d kept you close,
Given you some dignity and
A real place to rest.
My numb shock sent you out to sea.
I have a space within me where you were,
A space that I can’t fill for now.
But I will hold your name in my heart,
Till I can make you a family.
Living souls to cling to,
Heartbeats to meet you at the shore.
And say…
’Hello Teddy, we never forgot you’

If I ever die at the side of the street
Please don’t tie flowers and cards to a tree
Please leave the lamp posts and road signs alone
Pack up your sympathy
Take it all home
Remember me as the girl you once knew
And I’ll promise that I’ll do the same thing for you

If you don’t love me
But you care if I live or die
PRETEND, Pretend, pretend
Make me believe you’re mine

I hate you so much
Because I love your stupid face
I hate it when you text me
Because I wait for it all day
I hate it when you lie
But I’ll still come back for more
I hate that we have fun
Because I wish you made me bored
I hate you in the morning
When I wake up from my dreams
I hate that you’re in every one
I can’t escape it seems
I hate you in the evening
When your face keeps me awake
And I hate you with each and every
Single breath I take.

Loving you is new tattoos,
Loving you is rain.
Loving you is a long weekend,
Loving you is fate.
Loving you is our favourite songs,
Loving you is blue.
Loving you is the colour of your eyes,
Loving you is true.
Loving you is testing my heart,
Loving you is right.
Loving you is your scent in my hair,
Loving you is night.
Loving you is all I am,
Loving you is kind.
Loving you is the only thing that’s ever on my mind.

Sadness lives in my bones
It’s settled in my marrow
Happiness is harrowing
Like a fracture
That never healed
Entrapped pain
Within my structure
Never to feel whole again

Goodbye to my broken man,
Your healing is not mine.
Goodbye to my happy drug,
I bet one day I’ll be fine.

I am so convenient.
You’ll find me where I’m needed,
To he and him and they,
You think I don’t need to be heeded.
I am so amenable.
Always kind, accommodating.
My man, my friend, my father,
Always cooperating.
I’m sick of only sometimes,
But I won’t complain out loud.
My drug, my grace, my enemy
I’ll never make you proud.
I hope I’ll become difficult,
Say no with insolence.
To men, to you, to anyone,
I won’t be so convenient.

Love is a sham and
I am what I am
Said me to myself
And I
I don’t understand and
I will not withstand
This criminal
Evil lie
I can’t and I won’t and
I just simply don’t
Want to live if living
Hurts so
I may just check out and
I won’t cry or shout
I’ll just quietly get up
And go

Only twice in my life
Have I ever felt entirely safe.
Once when my dad told me when I was little
That if the house caught fire in my sleep
He would carry me to safety wrapped in my duvet
To protect me from the smoke.
And twice,
When I first met you.

‘Don’t you miss me?’
Said the girl to her phone.
‘Wouldn’t you rather be here than alone?’
‘Don’t you dare text him’
Say her friends, and she won’t.
But she wishes he would so that she could let go.
‘Will he try harder?’
Like she did, she wonders.
Innately she knows that he won’t, she slips under.
‘Am I that unlovable? Why can’t they love me?’
She sits on her bed and cries tears that aren’t seen.

Try to imagine and
Try to perceive
What your actions must feel like
To someone like me
I can’t be fighter
I’ve tried to be strong
I move on and say I don’t care
But I’m wrong
There’s something about your stupid face
That makes me feel safer
And like I’m in place
You’re reckless and silly
You’re just immature
But for some reason
I just keep missing you more.

Since then I feel smaller,
Like half a person,
There’s a reason people call people their other halves.
The tears rock me like an earthquake and it physically hurts.
Everywhere I go it’s music, and food and terms of phrase,
Screaming your name.
Like the world wants me to be in pain.
My bed is way too big just for me but I don’t want it full unless it’s full of you.
I think I took for granted the beauty of normal life with you in it.
The worst part is I can’t even tell you how much I miss you,
Because you’re healing too.
That’s okay.

Time waster,
Wine taster.
Covert lover,
Losing cover.
Rude creator,
Crude spectator.
Secret liar,
Limping sigher.
Companion seeker,
Slowly cheaper.
You and I are,
Rain and paper.

I have heard
A very strange fact.
You could bite off your finger,
If your brain allowed the act.
Letting go of you
Is a similar feat.
I have to stop loving you,
But my mind admits defeat.
I would stay away
If I could fathom the pain.
But science prevents me,
Because of my brain.

If I told you that I love you,
Would you ever speak to me again?
If I never spoke to you again,
Would you realise that you love me?

I’m terrified to try either so I’ll stay in the middle.
Trapped between being your love and your stranger.

It’s your birthday today
82
I’ll always regret missing your last party
I couldn’t help it
But it haunts me that I didn’t see you blow your candles out
That last time
I moved to the seaside
You would’ve loved it
And every time I look at the sunset sparkle on the water
I see you
Smiling and laughing
With a glass of red wine in your hand
And your family around you
Just the way you liked it
Happy birthday Grandad
I hope wherever you are it’s great

I want the love notes
The candle lit bath times
I want running in the rain
Laughing in the middle of arguments
I want the wild poetic love affair
The movie scene whirlwind
I want dinners gone cold
Because we were too busy talking
Missing the train, running out of petrol
Never caring because we’re together
I want to love so much it’s almost hate
Care so much I almost don’t
Then I want to slow down
To sit in the garden in matching chairs
Drinking lemonade and swapping smiles
I want to giggle over grey hairs
Cry together as all our friends die
Then hold hands as one of us does

If I lure myself to a watery end
Does that make me the siren
Or the sailor
Am I another victim of the myth
Or am I mythical
The strong or sorry swimmer
If I fill my lungs with salt and foam
Will a song arise
Or a final fateful splutter
Sink or swim
Breathe or falter

The arms that held me
The hands that slaved
The eyes that watched
The heart that gave
The voice that told me
‘I know you can’
The dreams that held me
Before I met land
The laugh that taught me
It’s good to be fun
The warnings I heard
That meant done is done
The love I have known
With strength like no other
The woman I’m blessed
To have as my mother

The changes in me between now and then,
The who, the what,
The where and when,
What a bittersweet way to begin,
Take me back to sunny hours again.

I feel too strongly
I think too much
I say what I feel
And I don’t understand
Why nobody else can
Understand me

I really do love love,
But love does not love me.
I love his hands upon my skin,
Though bruised my skin will be.
I love his kisses on my head,
Without them I’m as good as dead.
I love love though it breaks me,
So why does love just hate me?

She’s not a typical beauty,
Hers is painful
It’s overwhelming, haunting.
Eyes of the palest green,
Satin gloves, translucent shields.
She’s a glider, she floats,
Never settles, never stops.
Her words are fragile ribbons as they tie me up.
You’d give mostly anything to save her wouldn’t you?
Yes.
She’s so delicately wonderful,
If there’s a god he loves her.
She’s a bird who’s feathers are as exquisite
As the bruises that stained her skin that day.
She has been free falling for a while now,
But she’s not there yet.
She needs to know that love is what is left
When everything you have has been stolen and your own emotions are no longer yours.
That’s when you know you’re loved.
When you and they have pulled each other through a hellish cloud of tears and blood.
And though your clothes are red and wet,
In their eyes you’re wearing the same green satin that your eyes and wings are made of.

I can’t imagine how many times
I’ve cried
Driving my car
On a dark motorway
Over men who don’t care

And there I go again
Deciding upon the worst way to
Hurt myself so that I don’t feel
Dead

I don’t know if I even want to meet you anymore,
Because if I do,
I’ll still be convinced you’ll leave me,
And I’ll **** it up so you do,
Everything is temporary,
And that’s just true.

I think of you every time I hear seagulls,
I think of you when I drink Diet Coke.
I loved the way that you made me feel safer,
I really loved the way that you spoke.
I hate how you never accept compliments,
I hate how you’re stubborn as hell.
I miss feeling your arms around me,
I really miss your kisses as well.
I know that it’s too complicated,
I know when I’m wrong and you’re right.
But I can’t stop feeling the way that I feel,
When I miss you in the day and at night.
I can’t pretend that it’s easy for me.
I’ve cried over you and it’s true,
That I think I’d have loved you if given the chance and I hope you’d have loved me too.

‘Are you okay?’
Said the brain to the heart.
The heart screamed ‘NO’
Back up at the brain,
The brain rolled its eyes to itself
and said to the heart
‘get a grip’

June,
A Tuesday, almost seventeen.
You were unexpected,
So out of the blue,
And green of your eyes.
I saw stories,
Through the picture.
I decided that yes, I wanted to know
You and all about what you’ve seen
And lived.
We met in heat,
And those eyes and smiles
Had me captivated before we ever spoke aloud.
You’re older and taller,
But you never act better than me.
I love that.
July and August,
We became us.
Two of us together.
September separation,
philosophy, theatre, literature,
Less of us.
We compromised and nothing changed.
But I loved you more than I did in July,
When I spotted your eyes watching me dancing
And singing on the stage.
October, November, December.
Cocooned in our heat,
Our personal summer.
Preserved, nothing changed,
But we got closer.
Partners in crime,
My favourite distraction.
New Year’s Day,
It’d been half a year.
I knew long before and so did you,
This is what they talk about.
February, today, a Wednesday.
Clinging onto our summer,
Yearning for this year.
I love you like nothing has changed.

I do my best to fill my time,
With friends and family,
Work and plans.
I distract myself with empty flirtations,
And TV, and alcohol.
Every day I try not to think,
And sometimes I go a whole day without remembering.
Sometimes I’m happy for a long while and I think
“I’m starting to feel better, I’m going to be okay”.
But when the days out end.
I come home from work, the Netflix credits roll across my phone screen,
Suddenly everything is silent.
And I’m so small,
And I remember how alone I am.

Actually I haven’t
Decided just yet
How I will
Doom myself today

The trouble with me is that,
I’m completely immune to reality.
I’d always rather close my eyes and imagine
Than see anything at all.
In my dreams I can levitate,
I have always been able to.
And honestly though it sounds insane,
Dreaming has always seemed more real to me
Than living ever has.

Maybe I took for granted
How beautiful it felt
To climb in bed beside a person
To love the cards I was dealt

Maybe I was selfish
And didn’t choose to see
That you were struggling too
And it wasn’t only me

Maybe I was careless
And threw caution to the wind
Betrayed you and waylaid you
And bathed myself in sins

Well now although I’m happy
Become used to being alone
I still can’t help but feel like
I’m never really home

I don’t think I was ungrateful
Maybe selfish but I cared
I pray the world gives a second chance
For me to find love again out there

You spin dreamscapes across my mind
You weave a skyline made of satin clouds
You burn me with flames made of stars
And keep me in your pocket
Safe and sound
In my imaginary world you created

I wish I could tell you,
I wish I could describe,
The way my soul feels rested,
From one glimpse of your smile.
I wish I knew the protocol,
I wish I knew the rules,
But nothing could prepare me,
For how you've made me your fool.
One touch from you gives me more energy,
Than hours and hours of sleep.
Your kisses are my favourite secret,
I don't want to keep.
In your arms I feel safer,
than I ever have before.
Any day without you leaves me empty to my core.

I know it should be wrong,
And I know you're not my own.
But something in me sees something in you as just like home.

I know you feel how I do too,
Or else I wouldn't say...
I want to make you feel loved,
and be loved by you each day.

It’s a chasm of nothingness
A gaping void that doubles in on itself
Like how I imagine a black hole would
I’m in it and I am it
Can’t see into it or out of it
It makes me heavy like a wet towel
Thick and slow like dripping tarmac
It is pain and it is anaesthesia
Feeling nothing and everything
Dragging myself through days and weeks
With proverbial broken ankles
Stumbling into potholes and falling
Flat on my face
Over and over again
Till the sun comes back

If you and I became a tree,
I’d be the roots and you’d be the leaves.
Just know that though you’re higher than me,
You’ll fall if I don’t give what you need.

Tell me another lie.
How about the one where you’ll always take care of me?
I loved that one.
What about the one about this being just as difficult for you?
But I never did believe that I’m afraid.
Tell me another lie again to make me smile.
I haven’t heard a good one in a while.

Serenity won’t sit comfortably
Peace won’t be palatable
Calm isn’t comprehensible
Sleep never quite settles
Chaos is collaborative
Complication celebrates me
Sadness sits in my favourite chair
I am backwards but I am trying to turn

Freedom and loneliness
Sundown’s sickened sisters
Twilight’s troubled twins
Midnight’s melancholy muses
I can never tell them apart
And therein lies their beauty

Boundaries
Saying no
Self respect
Moving slow
Sensible drinking
Eating enough
Sleeping schedules
Calling their bluff
Saying goodbye
Letting go
Forgiving myself
Staying at home
Telling the truth
Falling in love
Reading whole books
Acting tough
Playing sports
Doing maths
Waking up early
Avoiding his wrath
About the only things
I am able to do
Are make bad decisions
And regret them too

What is there to pump my blood?
 I am devoid of heart and love.
Why do I care about my face,
And slaving for a brief embrace?
The only touch I crave is death.
The coldest skin, a rattled breath.
I’ve felt all that there is to feel.
The deepest pain, their pinching steel.
I’ve smiled and I have sliced my skin,
Religiously let demons in.
Invited them into my soul,
To take me with them when they go.
Regret for every choice I make,
I never cared what was at stake.
So what is there to get up for?
I won’t be what I was before.