the floor is icier than the last time i crumbled down here. i'm enclosed within the walls of eerie silence, blackness all around me, enveloping my terror, releasing my pain. tears seem to find their own way down to the floor, first dancing with delight, then solidifying and morphing into dark crystals. what is more comforting than the fetal position? the escape that has been written repeatedly into my screenplay of a life.

i'm sat in the café drinking coffee,
you're outside screaming in the rain.
what a sweet display of annoying dissonance.

how can i taste you,
when the lingering lust clouds my vision,
blinding my ignorant emotions,
poisoning my tempered touch?
how can i have you,
when we are divided by the invisible line of national border,
swimming in helpless sentiment?
i dream of you
of memories yet to exist,
of kisses yet to transpire.
i hope you dream of me,
of my dissipated thoughts,
of my paralyzing vanity,
of my flourishing greed.

mar 7 16

i’m sitting in class, listening to the conventions of everyday noises, straining my neck to get in touch with the balance within that vanishes so easily. the snow is melting in my hair; the subtle coldness calms me, making it easier for the fantasia to settle. the thought of him continues to rush through me, and the euphoria tastes wonderful. he rests comfortably upon the greyness of my tired soul, so close and yet so far, but i guess that’s the allure of everlasting lust.

mar 1 16

Cold, blue, wet, fragile, brittle, hard, steam solidified, water hardened, anger, fear, white, tensile,

steam solidified,
water hardened; you lie
in her wintered veins.

why?

"If she's awake, I'll **** you."
staccato words spoken
like a knife blade thrown...
...with malice and intent.

Her father's voice
from the bedroom next door
no sound of her mother.

The female child cowered
under her candy-striped sheets
their usual soft comfort
unnoticed

footsteps
door handle moving
light seeping into her sanctuary

her heart thudded
trying to escape her chest
as she held her breath.

"Please, please don't hear me."
a silent plea as
fear snatched her in its icy grip.

She could smell him
smell the cigarettes
smell his power.

She waited.

He backed out
returned to her mother
between her heartbeats
she heard the slap

"You are lucky this time,
*****. She sleeps."
Heavy footsteps down the stairs
punctuated by her mother's tears.

                            ~~~~~~~~~~~

The girl child had only ever blamed her mother
decades of anger and bitterness
the memory of this night buried deep.
Crazed hard ice beneath the tundra of her life.

In the third decade of the girl child's life
her mother died
alone
never forgiven for what she hadn't done
nor for what she had.

The ice remained in the girl child's veins
If anything, thicker...harder.

Then in her fifth decade this ice became water
as with the passage of life the tundra thawed
and rising with it to the surface
the truth.

Then what?

The girl child worked hard at staying warm
at keeping the ice at bay.
Not easy.

Nothing was ever said to her father.

In her sixth decade the girl child's father died
embraced in his daughter's arms
forgiven for what he had done
and for what he hadn't.

The woman had finally thawed
she was properly warm
her own love
finally able to flow