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Kimmy Dec 2019
For all my friends and family i know you are all feeling
frustrated, helpless, and ready
to give up. It’s not your fault. You are not the cause of our suffering.

You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you, switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a dime, and we may even straight up blame you. But it’s not your fault. You deserve to understand more about this condition and what we wish we could say but may not be ready.

It is possible that something that you said or did “triggered” us. A trigger is something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event or causes us to have distressing thoughts. While you can attempt to be sensitive with the things you say and do, that’s not always possible, and it’s not always clear why something sets off a trigger.

The mind is very complex. A certain song, sound, smell, or words can quickly fire off neurological connections that bring us back to a place where we didn’t feel safe
, and we might respond in the now with a similar reaction (think of military persons who fight in combat — a simple backfiring of a car can send them into flashbacks. This is known as PTSD, and it happens to a lot of us, too.)

But please know that at the very same time that we are pushing you away with our words or behavior, we also desperately hope that you will not leave us or abandon us in our time of despair and desperation.

This extreme, black or white thinking and experience of totally opposite desires is known as a dialectic. Early on in our diagnosis and before really digging in deep with DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), we don’t have the proper tools to tell you this or ask for your support in healthy ways.

We may do very dramatic things, such as harming ourselves in some way (or threatening to do so), going to the hospital, or something similar. While these cries for help should be taken seriously, we understand that you may experience “burn out” from worrying about us and the repeated behavior.

Please trust that, with professional help, and despite what you may have heard or come to believe, we CAN and DO get better.

These episodes can get farther and fewer between, and we can experience long periods of stability and regulation of our emotions. Sometimes the best thing to do, if you can muster up the strength in all of your frustration and hurt, is to grab us, hug us, and tell us that you love us, care, and are not leaving.

One of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder is an intense fear of being abandoned, and we therefore (often unconsciously) sometimes behave in extreme, frantic ways to avoid this from happening. Even our perception that abandonment is imminent can cause us to become frantic.

Another thing that you may find confusing is our apparent inability to maintain relationships. We may jump from one friend to another, going from loving and idolizing them to despising them – deleting them from our cell phones and unfriending them on Facebook. We may avoid you, not answer calls, and decline invitations to be around you — and other times, all we want to do is be around you.

This is called splitting, and it’s part of the disorder. Sometimes we take a preemptive strike by disowning people before they can reject or abandon us. We’re not saying it’s “right.” We can work through this destructive pattern and learn how to be healthier in the context of relationships. It just doesn’t come naturally to us. It will take time and a lot of effort.

It’s difficult, after all, to relate to others properly when you don’t have a solid understanding of yourself and who you are, apart from everyone else around you.

In Borderline Personality Disorder, many of us experience identity disturbance issues. We may take on the attributes of those around us, never really knowing who WE are.  You remember in high school those kids who went from liking rock music to pop to goth, all to fit in with a group – dressing like them, styling their hair like them, using the same mannerisms? It’s as if we haven’t outgrown that.

Sometimes we even take on the mannerisms of other people (we are one way at work, another at home, another at church), which is part of how we’ve gotten our nickname of “chameleons.” Sure, people act differently at home and at work, but you might not recognize us by the way we behave at work versus at home. It’s that extreme.

For some of us, we had childhoods during which, unfortunately, we had parents or caregivers who could quickly switch from loving and normal to abusive. We had to behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to stay safe and survive. We haven’t outgrown this.

Because of all of this pain, we often experience feelings of emptiness. We can’t imagine how helpless you must feel to witness this. Perhaps you have tried so many things to ease the pain, but nothing has worked. Again – this is NOT your fault.

The best thing we can do during these times is remind ourselves that “this too shall pass” and practice DBT skills – especially self-soothing – things that helps us to feel a little better despite the numbness. Boredom is often dangerous for us, as it can lead to the feelings of emptiness.  It’s smart for us to stay busy and distract ourselves when boredom starts to come on.

On the other side of the coin, we may have outburst of anger that can be scary. It’s important that we stay safe and not hurt you or ourselves. This is just another manifestation of BPD.

We are highly emotionally sensitive and have extreme difficulty regulating/modulating our emotions. Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT, likens us to 3rd degree emotional burn victims.

Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we can learn how to regulate our emotions so that we do not become out of control.  We can learn how to stop sabotaging our lives and circumstances…and we can learn to behave in ways that are less hurtful and frightening to you.

Another thing you may have noticed is that spaced out look on our faces. This is called dissociation. Our brains literally disconnect, and our thoughts go somewhere else, as our brains are trying to protect us from additional emotional trauma. We can learn grounding exercises and apply our skills to help during these episodes, and they may become less frequent as we get better.

But, what about you?

If you have decided to tap into your strength and stand by your loved one with BPD, you probably need support too.  Here are some ideas:

Remind yourself that the person’s behavior isn’t your fault

Tap into your compassion for the person’s suffering while understanding that their behavior is probably an intense reaction to that suffering

Do things to take care of YOU. On the resources page of this blog, there is a wealth of information on books, workbooks, CDs, movies, etc. for you to understand this disorder and take care of yourself. Be sure to check it out!

In addition to learning more about BPD and how to self-care around it, be sure to do things that you enjoy and that soothe you, such as getting out for a walk, seeing a funny movie, eating a good meal, taking a warm bath — whatever you like to do to care for yourself and feel comforted.

Ask questions. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD.

Remember that your words, love, and support go a long way in helping your loved one to heal, even if the results are not immediately evident

Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to qualify for a diagnosis, and the combinations of those 5-9 are seemingly endless.  This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have.

This is my second year in DBT. A year ago, I could not have written this letter, but it represents much of what was in my heart but could not yet be realized or expressed.

My hope is that you will gain new insight into your loved one’s condition and grow in compassion and understand for both your loved one AND yourself, as this is not an easy road.

I can tell you, from personal experience, that working on this illness through DBT is worth the fight. Hope can be returned. A normal life can be had. You can see glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over time, if you don’t give up.  I wish you peace.
Matthew James Apr 2016
Poem 3
How to raise kids

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?

I got into to teaching to make a difference,
To add some joy to a kids existence,
I knew, so well, the hurt and pain
That kids in secondary school sustain
The tears and the fears and the dread and the...
"Ahahahaha! Look at his Nicks!! He thinks he's got Nikes but he's wearing Nicks!"
And how it switches you off and makes you not care,
Because you just don't want to go back there.
So, you wander into town to HMV
Til your parents feel let down when you only got an E
Until you failed Art and Graphics and Literacy
But at least you got an A in history...
Because academic subjects are "more important"

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?

So I left 6th form and I needed change
And wanted to go to somewhere strange
(And new)
Somewhere away from all the drama
At 19 I went by myself to Ghana
"God bless our homeland Ghana
And make our nation great and strong,
Vow to defend forever
The cause of Freedom and of Right"
And I taught
Maths and English
With no books
And no training
And no observing
And I was ******* at it... Really bad
But somehow, i felt the change
Just because I cared and they cared

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?

A few years later I started teachin.
GTP, hands on, straight in.
My teaching mentor was called Mr Hickey,
He smoked a pipe and drank down whiskey
(In school)
My first proper job was Bradford inner city
It was a bit rough and the buildin was ******
There we had a guy who was a lazy old ****
And he had kids tracing instead of learning Art
When I first got there I was overwrought
These weren't like the training lessons that I taught
These kids had opinions. They needed to engage...
To be taught in a way that suited kids of their age
I nearly gave up, because I felt so scared
But at the end of the day, I knew that I still cared

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?

In my 3rd year I had this year 11 class
They wanted a good lesson and they wanted to pass
But they needed convincing and I nearly cried
So I tried and I tried and I tried and I tried
To listen
And react
To change
And Adapt
And those kids made me better
And for 3 years I got better
Our grades were sky high
The kids wanted to try
They wanted learn, they wanted to know "why"
But I got to the top and I needed to fly
Because I needed somewhere that I could ask the "why"

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?

You have those moments sometimes in life, where you know that a decision is important, but you don't know why and you don't know which way is the right way to go with it. This was that point for me. Sat in the interview, saying I wanted to pull out but letting them convince me to stay. That was the point, I think where everything changed.

2010. New job. New government.

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?

I was head of Art and I got noticed
Within a year I got promoted
Faculty leader of creative skills
This is the part where it really kills
What do you do when you just aren't wanted
When people are angry that you're there
When all of your decisions seem to be haunted
By the ghost of a culture where they just don't care
Where nastiness and gossip always bite
Resting in the coffin of a lost tradition
Kids so bored they're turning white
Beaten down to bored submission
And everyone seems to have given up the fight
But they're still convinced that their way's "right"

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?

After so much pain, we were getting through it
We realised there was much more to it
No more easy working out of booklets
(The teaching equivalent of rhyming couplets)
But every time you made a shift
The goal posts seemed to start to drift
And this all caused a further rift
The final one I couldn't lift

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?

Gossip and lies caused by others stress
Creates a catastrophic mess
Turns people's lives upside down
Gives off the sense that they're a clown
They're trying. They're just really down
Simply trying not to drown
Marriage ending
Friends unfriending
Children's lives are slowly bending
House and finance are up-ending
Mediation sessions need attending
Everything seems to need mending
And the pain seems to be never-ending

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?

Professional life vs Personal life
Professional strife = Personal strife
Personal wife goes through professional strife
Personal strife =

"I understand what you're going through, but we need to think about the learners."

Stress in teaching is the expectation
Work life balance has no correlation
The pressures of a confused nation
Makes teachers into the poor relation

Goodbye btec, goodbye vocation
Hello Gove and his minds creation
Goodbye Gove and hello Morgan
Hiding behind a gritty slogan
Creating the pressure of pointless change
For teachers to correct and rearrange

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?

But here's the thing. It's not their fault.
Sure, they've no idea MPs
They've less common sense than a piece of cheese
But all MPs really do is set
Some criteria that need to be met
A league table
Academies
Appraisal
Curriculums
It's nothing new. They've always done it
But it's given to schools to interpret
We don't lose money, we just get judged
We need conviction that can't be budged
We need to get a message out
To every parent, round about
And what this message needs to say
Is "we aren't doing extra maths today,
We're going to go outside and play
Because whatever MPs say
We'll do what's right for the kids
And here's why it's right you know
Cause we want to see your children grow
We're not just for levels, grades, progress
We're also here to relieve stress
We're also here to make your child feel
That happiness is something real
That in spite of all the crap you see
You can become head of art when you failed gcse."
Learn People skills
Determination
Creativity
Imagination
Honesty
Integrity
Sen­sitivity
And empathy
It's not an easy sell I know
You can't measure how people grow
You can't report or give a grade
But they're qualities that are heaven made
And maybe think the same for teachers
We're all very caring creatures
We care about how kids are raised
We don't need to be constantly appraised
Default 100%?!?
Like energy is heaven sent
Like when your kids are down with flu
You just man up, there's work to do
When you've got a quality person who just needs backing
Why give pressure and then threaten with sacking?

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?

School - this week mark all your books
I need them up to date so I can look

Teacher - I've got to take my daughter swimming
I've got to see my son try winning

School - read through your teaching standards mate
And leave your children at the gate

End of the week the books are done
But head and deputies are overrun
"We'll have to put these books aside
To push our children down the slide"

And good for them. They work really hard. It's not a job to take lightly and they deserve to be there. But they don't have the time to step back and think "big picture"

Let's flip it round and just imagine

Teacher - I'm sorry, I'm afraid I'm ill
School - you can't be ill the learners will fail
Teacher - I need some patience, I need some time
School - the kids need work which is sublime
Don't they deserve that? Don't you think?
Do you really want your learners to sink?

And there it is. The teacher guilt.
Because that's the way that we've been built
We care too much
We try too much
We give too much
We work too much
And we lose too much
We get ideas above our station
About how this job is a vocation
When we stop and look around
The evidence just can't be found
Someone tells me what to teach
Someone tells me how to teach it
Someone tells me how to plan
Someone tells me when to plan it
Someone tells me how to mark
Someone tells me when to mark it
We work to targets, get appraised
Residuals to get profiles raised
It's industry. I rest my case.

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?

Or, put it another way.

I just think that teaching has lost all its common sense. And it's kindness. It behaves like an industry which is about getting results and meeting targets. There's nothing that measures people's happiness or how deeply moved or affected someone is by what they've learned. It just checks that they learned it. And we are given this guilt trip. That it's about children and that we are affecting their lives if we don't meet targets. We give up more and more because "teaching is a vocation"  "it's about kids", and yet schools use cover supervisors, cut subjects, limit choices etc to save money and get results. So the profession behaves like an industry but the teachers have to give their lives to it like its a vocation. It's not a vocation. At all. It's a job.

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?
Ian Beckett Mar 2014
The annual cycle of friends and family, meeting
An oil and water duty of circumstance, intersecting
At Christmases and global conferences, occasioning
Probable murders at Christmas in the families, mixing
Their duty to drink but live distant lives apart, loving
The comfortable satisfaction of the distance, living
Their lives with social media connections, liking
The comfort of ignoring without unfriending
Their oil and water friends and family.

So

I have supplanted this duty with desire, allowing
Me to unfriend these occasional friends, becoming
Myself at last with a vicarious pleasure of, enjoying
Being a stereotypical “Grumpy Old Man”, relaxing.
Nadia Nov 2013
I didn't want to go to band camp!
You didn't listen did you mother?
Where's dad? Where is my dad?
He's living with a ***** who isn't my mother.
Wake up! He cheated on you stupid mother.
Such a dumb mom to believe dad.
Who's condoms were on the car floor?
Did you and dad have *** and you didn't know it?
He lied mother!
I'm on his facebook and yours.
I see dad's long list of women with **** pics.
***** to be his 18 year old daughter.
My dad the ******* with a string of net lovers.
Dear old dad if I had a string of guys what would you do?
Dad wants to play with women's ***** who are not my mom.
I'm 18 and messed up in the head.
I've got dad posting he wants to touch parts of women.
I've got a mom to dumb to know he's touching parts of women.
Dad stop posting you want to kiss *****.
I'm 18 and I'm feeling messed up in the head.
Dad and you shipped me off to band camp.
Didn't want to go mom and cheating dad.
I know you are sad mom and dad hurt you.
Mom you to be young again and date your friends.
Facebook is messed up place to be for me.
I am thinking of unfriending both of you.
I feel messed up in the head.
I didn't want to go to band camp.
Dad said go he wants to play with lady ***** not my moms.
Mom said go she wants to be young now that she knows dad cheats.
I am never getting married.
Met a boy and we did what was natural.
I was 18 and camp ended and I was going to be a mother.
I never want to be a dumb mother like you.
Thanks for nothing mother!  
You were upset for one day then wanted to adopt my baby.
You were namma not mother to my baby.
Hope you happy I made you a namma before you were ready.
I did not want a baby and did not want you raising mine.
I don't want a baby I grew in my stomach calling me sibling.
Baby got adopted and you wont be the mother.
My child will never have a mother like you.
This ain't no I got a friend story or a fairy tale.
Dad took off and he had another kid with a lover.
Thanks for not telling me dad!
Thanks for my scars seeing your kids birth announcement on the internet.
I feel messed up in the head thanks to you dad and mom.
I saw a news story about open marriages and that's what I want.
Marriages don't work so we wont get married.
Marriage is a fairy tale told wrote by preachers
to make people not want to have premarital ***.
If marriage was so great dads would not cheat.
If marriage was great mom and dad would be happy.
Marriage is a prison me and nobody else wants.
Christos Rigakos Mar 2013
I knew a lass I did not know too well,
a church acquaintance not too close a friend,
of which we shared harmonious a spell
on Sundays, this became a steady trend.

One day I passed a knick-knack in a store,
a coffee mug just like a camera lens,
and thought, a fitting gift one slightly poor
could relish on his shutter-bugging friends.

And so I grabbed the knick-knack, paid for it,
on Sunday told the lass of what I'd done,
surprised, she deemed it inappropriate,
rejecting it, of this she would have none!

How good intentions sour so easily,
a new acquaintance quick unfriending me.

(C)2013, Christos Rigakos
English (Shakespearean) Sonnet
Zachary William Jun 2017
Blocked and unfriended
blocked and unfriended
blocked and unfriended
is this truly the death
sentence we make it out
to be?

It fascinates me how pervasive
technology has become
and how a friend request
gives way to knowing
every intimate detail
about each other's lives

Congrats on that baby, by the way
Yes it looks just like the father!
(No it doesn't, it looks like an alien
because it is a newborn baby)

But when we cut the umbilical
cords that we have attached to each other
for emotional sustenance,
what are we saying?

I don't want you to know
about my life!
We aren't friends online
so you can't permanently
eavesdrop on my eventful
and much-more-exciting-than-yours life!

And you should feel bad
about that.
You're being left out.
I don't value you enough
to let you be
a bystander
an extra
in my life hoping for a little screentime.

What a creative way to hurt each other.
Alicia Hubert Mar 2013
Today you walked into class like you were some big shot,
to be honest it made me mad as hell,
but I pretended like it didn't.

I watched you take your seat where we used to sit,
the cluster of desks looked so empty without me next to you.

Before you looked around i averted my eyes,
I wouldn't allow you to catch me slippin'.

You placed your bag on your desk,
still rocking your head to some unheard beat.
It just seemed to add fuel to my anger.

You sat there all class talking aloud,
asking me small questions here and there,
I ignored you.

Who are you?
Who did you turn into?
Why are you not the boy I fell in love with a year and 5 months ago?
Why can't I hold you or talk to you or even look at you?
Why can't I stop looking at your facebook everyday?
Why can I not regret unfriending you?
Why can't I move on and you can dance and laugh and smile and sleep under bridges go to concerts and act like your whole world hasn't changed completely and just seem like we never existed?!
Like I left no impression on your life, like I was nothing and you lost your memory?!
Why did you make me feel like everything sometimes and nothing the other?
Why Why WHY WHY WHY WHY?!

Its ok,
i looked up today and I saw,
I saw you look away fast and look around the room,
Even when your eyes turned to mine I didn't look away,
In that moment I felt more alive then I have in a month.
I felt happy and warm,
and I miss you so ******* much and I don't know what the **** I'm doing,
and I just hate you because I love you and I hate me for being young and stupid,
and just another ******* girl caught in love at a young age.
******* for doing this to me,
******* FOR MAKING ME SO ******* HAPPY

******* for letting me leave so easy but yet not so fast.
you ripped the band aid to slow,
now I'm left with a longing after ache.
Personal about my day and ****, literally makes no ******* sense but I started then everything poured out and I have to tell someone to get it out. But honestly, **** young love. It makes you insane.
Eryri Apr 2019
As I rummage through Facebook,
Refreshing the screen
As if it were a slot machine,
I suddenly realise:
"Why, good ol' John Doe
(Who I barely really know)
Hasn't posted in months!
I clearly haven't missed him,
He's just a friend of a friend of Jim's!"
So, I seek him out
Until there's no doubt:
He's not Unfriended me,
He's Unfriended Facebook!
Then, as my relief passes,
A wave of envy overcomes me:
Oh, to be free of notificaton anxiety!
But, what do I do next?
I refresh the screen once more,
In vain hope of a fresh reward.
SelinaSharday Mar 2018
Wondering if this is the day
Maybe you decided to just slip away.
You haven't called this morning to simply say.
Have a good day bae.
I call but there's no answer.
Guess your too busy today to be there.
Guess today you just don't care.
Emotions are left suspended where.
Just hanging somewhere.
If you find it difficult to say goodbye.
Still doesn't mean my heart won't cry.
Resuscitate.
When ever I thought we were doing great.
The sweet way we like conversate.
Seems we be getting along well able to relate.
Next thing I know you'd say you'd call me back in a few minutes.
And it'd be many hours after pushing me to the limits.
Feelings of us ending revisits.
Feelings of losing is like dying.
Resuscitate.
Shallow emotional Breathing.
Then your calling  like all is fine again we're talking.
Never admiting.. Pulse and respirations needs to be taken.
Palputations..Resuscitating.. Rightly breathing breaths shaken.
Thoughts of leaving. who will be the first to make it a goodbye.
Resuscitate before its too late...Beautiful conversations are all a lie.
Stumble.. rocky.. deleting..unfriending..unbelieving ..Today!
Do Not RESUSCITATE..
By SelinaSharday all rights reserved. S.A.M 2018
should you get those gut feelings someone you like is leaving..should be leaving or you should be leaving.. even if it seems good appears good like all is good.
Matthew James Jun 2016
How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?



I was head of Art and I got noticed

Within a year I got promoted

Faculty leader of creative skills

This is the part where it really kills

Building them up from deep rock bottom

With jealousy aimed at the job I'd gotten

A job that I had never wanted

That I only took because I cared

All of my decisions seemed to be haunted

By the ghost of a culture where they just don't care

Resting in the coffin of a lost tradition

Kids so bored they're turning white

Beaten down to bored submission

And everyone seems to have given up the fight

But they're still convinced that their way's "right"



How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?



We laid foundations, a team was built

The weighing scales began to tilt

But every time you made a shift

The goal posts seemed to start to drift

And this all caused a further rift

The final one I couldn't lift



How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?



Gossip and lies caused by others stress

Creates a catastrophic mess

Turns people's lives upside down

Gives off the sense that they're a clown

They're trying. They're just really down

Simply trying not to drown

Marriage ending

Friends unfriending

Children's lives are slowly bending

House and finance are up-ending

Mediation sessions need attending

Everything seems to need mending

And the pain seems to be never-ending



How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?



Professional life vs Personal life

Professional strife = Personal strife

Personal wife goes through professional strife

Personal strife =



"I understand what you're going through, but we need to think about the learners."



Stress in teaching is the expectation

Work life balance has no correlation

The pressures of a confused nation

Makes teachers into the poor relation



Goodbye btec, goodbye vocation

Hello Gove and his minds creation

Goodbye Gove and hello Morgan

Hiding behind a gritty slogan

Creating the pressure of pointless change

For teachers to correct and rearrange



How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?



"I need you to mark and enter all years grades

By the end of the week, I am afraid"



"I've got to take my daughter swimming

I've got to see my son try winning"



"Read through your teaching standards mate

And leave your children at the gate"



End of the week the books are done

But head and deputies are overrun

"We'll have to put these books aside

To push our children down the slide"



Let's flip it round and just imagine



"I'm sorry, I'm afraid I'm ill"

"You can't be ill the learners will fail"

"I need some patience, I need some time"

"The kids work needs to be sublime

Don't they deserve that? Don't you think?

Do you want to see your learners to sink?"



And there it is. The teacher guilt.

Because that's the way that we've been built

We care too much

We try too much

We give too much

We work too much

And we lose too much

Default 100%?!?

Like energy is heaven sent??

Like when your kids are down with flu

You just man up, there's work to do

We get ideas above our station

Of how this job is a vocation

When we stop and look around

The evidence just can't be found

Someone tells me what to teach

Someone tells me how to teach it

Someone tells me how to plan

Someone tells me when to plan it

Someone tells me how to mark

Someone tells me when to mark it

We work to targets, get appraised

Residuals to get profiles raised

It's industry. I rest my case.

How can you raise kids that are in good health when you don't see the lies that you're selling to yourself?
Ammar Younas Nov 2018
After unfriending you
from my life,
I am scrolling down
a fresh timeline...
Your posts are not appearing in it...
My dreams are not streaming
your videos anymore...
And heart has promised not to tweet about you...
Mateuš Conrad Aug 2018
.numbers, numbers, numbers, always with the ******* numbers, how many likes, how many flags, how many followers, etc. etc. - elsewhere, among the Mozart(s)... how many symphonies? how many operas? befriending, "unfriending"... numbers numbers, numbers, number that mean jack-took-a-****-into-his-well-polished-maarching-boots... for a parade of some sort, in synch.; numbers, numbers, numbers... the wrong opinion here, the wrong opinion there, yeah, "wrong" opinion... since time immemorial, beginning with Socrates, the art of dialectics has imploded, disappeared from the park bench... and entered the realm of sophistry, on a stage, with a prepaying audience of spectators...  point being?

who would even assume i'd be into the numbers
game, the ******* ****** of the number
of followers?
     i'm after the big apple,
   give me 5 or so years...
   and i'll end up with 10,000 "poems"
on this website...
          **** the follower number that
rarely blink at my on the screen -
   that sort of perception is static -
   there's no dynamism behind bragging
a number...
  pick a card... pick a number,
   any number...
              and i'll do the magic trick with
a blank space of pixel paper...
   i'll actually write something...
    since, evidently,
            what i do in the confines of
my creative membrane (creative -
i.e. starting from a scratch of two flint
stones, or sometimes absolutely nothing)...
is outside the juxtaposition of
what becomes a person,
     in actual interaction with a given:
a reciprocating entity of conversation -
all of this in excess commentary -
    like in the old days -
book clubs...
               talking...
    no comments -
    which is why i sometimes tune into
the euronews montage
of no comment...
                   no commentary, none,
zilch... nada...
                i am the sort of person that
simply can't stomach commentary -
   i own, how ever many books i own...
and i applied graffiti to one...
ezra pound's cantos -
                       ****... i went into a pub
with it, wanting to finish it on the way
back on the bus...
        started to these two girls,
asked one of them to write in it...
    dr john marchent,
   LSBV
             (london south bank university)
the science of chocolate
rhiannala fowler
-

    drunk girls handwriting -
i think her name was rhiannala -
   a rare name...

another ****** bites the dust -
    and since this doesn't soften my resolve
to plow along...
   i made a new friend, elsewhere...

i was wrong about Sweden producing
the best cider in the world...
totally wrong...
               but... where correction
is due, it's most certainly worth
the original mistake...

kopparberg & rekorderlig & älska...

all great ciders in terms of flavors,
but i've learned something,
having only met
    henry westons today...
   now... if you've ever drank
carlsberg export -
   which stands at a hefty 9%?
basically the standard carlsberg
with about 100ml of ***** poured
into it...
   if not more... cringe inducing,
worse than ******* on a lemon -
expression on the face after taking
a sip...
   extra strong beer? esp. bordering
****-juice wine?
      not a good idea...

kopparberg & rekorderlig & älska?
hover around the 5% mark...
but... because of this...
     the ciders are too sweet...
you can't take these ciders for a walk,
you start getting cocoon mouth,
the phlegm builds up,
   and you start choking while
smoking a cigarette...

but... the genius of henry westons
Herefordshire Vintage Cider?
genesis 1880, began with bittersweet apples,
Much Marcle farm,
extended to apple harvests from
Gloucestershire & Worcestershire,
oak aged...

all of that, but it's not it...
the genius behind henry westons cider?
well...
    unlike carlsberg export (9%)...
Henry's cider stands at ALC 8.2% VOL...
that's ******* genius...
it's like wine, but for boys...

no, it's not the cheap alcoholic cider
sold in 2 liter plastic bottles...
glass bottle... 2 quid for 500ml...
  
   but my god!
    i think i've found a new friend!
the balance of excess alcohol content,
balances the sweetness of your standard
Irish or Swedish cider...
    the sweetness disappears,
   and you get a balance...
  the the amount of alcohol is not
as off-putting as it is, with extra strong
beer...

    because you seriously can't find
a better cider...
         the excess alcohol breaks through
the sweetness that otherwise suffocates
with extracting an excess of phlegm...
   and carlsberg export is not the way
to go...

    one downside though...
     spurs on a ******* appetite unlike any
other beverage i've ever drank...

                     but as they said and will always
say:
   you loose some, you win some,
   but then there's this beautiful view of
the ocean of drinking, in between.
Ella Joy Dec 2017
It starts with unfriending
and go befriending
Embrace a new chapter
that can make you happier.

Letting go is not easy
especially when you are lazy
even more when it's comfortable
when you felt lovable

Not much to say now
as this somehow feels new
Will have to know
Being alone with sorrow
Sadia Jan 2019
I have felt that feeling again tonight
Saw the eyes of my father in my friend
Heard the four
Most evil words
from a trust, I felt sure in
“If You love me…
there is in it
a gamble
not worth pursuing

it is to tread waters of solid friendship
how it bends
for one need not another
I do not want to bend
Nor can I any further
The arch in my back holds a boulder on a twig
In the mud over a racing river

are the tears of now worth it
Do I deserve this?
For proving my worth
Or are they
wrong for testing it?
I wish she knew of my heart ache
Of all my weakest moments
But most of these days
those moments belong to her

To what do you owe your savior?
Did they really save you?
Or are you now in a new kind of madness
Trapped in the same game but a different classroom
Never learning how to ask for an exit

Ill give you a hint
They never built a savior or an exit
You are your own key
And prison

Now I sit in my sanctuary
Undreaming dreams and unfriending thieves
That I no longer wish for
Away from familiar

I see that I am always the same
Will always be the same
Just less and less
Hopeless
Less of service
Less capable of letting you behold it

My key
My prison
You may no longer be a hold of it

I know a certain kind of sadness
That does not want to wallow
It nurses your bruised frame
And lets you release
Whatever you found to shackle yourself with
wichitarick May 2022
Black Room
In the Black room with walls of black curtains when my mind was vacation

Starlings became personal darlings, Dark eyes gather no moonbeams

Holding back all daylight, Dark blocks the vision like mental images in remission

Stuck in this Pace with a mysterious shadow, where Grey would seem bright no glow on the edges

You cried NO ropes could hold you, NO ONE would scold you, still left in the darkness with a mind and body in detention

Bought the ticket, covered all windows, Create a sad time putting my own mind on vacation

        " As I walked out, felt my own need just beginning"

Create a new Line, unknown waiting, for a lost train, restless withering

Ghosts unseen, traces of  those faces hide from themselves, Shadows outside always creeping

Party with a rough crew, her smile a hint of kindness in the dark night

Old wounds left open, never forgotten, like scary traces where the shadows talk to themselves

Return to a jungle mindless dark eye, time for redressing open new windows, unfriending Starlings

Letting light into the dark, creates new shadows that are no longer afraid of themselves. R.C.
From the song WHITE ROOM by Cream......
Followed thoughts of the song ,but where we or I left in darkness not knowing we NEED light to get out, be it  mentally or with addiction so followed my own path with addiction.we need light to make shadows. "Peace Takes Practice"   Thank you for reading, your comments are helpful. Rick
Nellie 55 Mar 2021
Now I'm pending, messages still sending. Realized these people were pretending. Am I worth unfriending? You're cunning but this is my sanity & it's not ending. That's something I'll always be defending. I don't care if it's offending.
One second I'm there
But then got ghosted in the middle of nowhere
You leaving keeps my thoughts haunted
But I refuse to be taunted
Looks like I've got to cut my lawn
Found more snakes, trying to keep them gone
But who knows what'd happens next because my worth is like a snap
"Pending"
Making sense chat snap is a ghost emoji

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