My mind and energy flourish between 10 p.m and 6 a.m.
Sleep is a concept to my body that sits on the back burner of the disorder overtaking my ****** systems.
At night is the time I feel alive,
The darker the skies the more open my eyes seem to get.
I race across the internet in my liveliness learning or observing,
And occasionally when I'm on my lows, self-diagnosing.
At night is when my mood shifts from happy to sad
and my thoughts range from beautiful words and pictures to hate and self-loathing.
At night is when I am capable of understanding the mysteries surrounding the concept of living
and at night is when I re-evaluate decisions in my life and change,
for better or for worse.
But all this can only be between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m.
When the world is dead and I am the only one experiencing it.
I think I have Bipolar Disorder.
I would rather live with a dead father that loved me than a deadbeat father who doesn't.
You are the sea,
and I'm drowning.
With every wave of harsh words
I am pulled under the current.
I choke and claw for the surface
but you keep repeating them.
You're a dumb *****
You are the epitome of everything I hate.
You are a ****.
The light of day is burning out
darkness is seeping in through every hole.
I can't help but feel as if my tears built this
you're hate fueled this
and i let it.
The wave is coming back,
I don't think I'll see the sun again.
I don't think you understand,
I'm not stupid.
I can hack every profile you own,
I will find everything you put in the dark
and pull it out in the light.
Sweetheart I'm better than the FBI.
I will do **** you never even thought of.
I am crazy and I don't play around.
So before your mouth starts spewing lies,
I know you've been conversing with her.
I know every time she posts a picture you like it.
And I remember the time we sat on your porch
When you took a long drag of your poison and looked me in the eyes,
"Don't say anything but, she tried to **** me."
please tell me,
did I break your disguise?
Crazy has poisoned my veins and turned my brain to mush.
I am mental with meticulous details of our relationship.
One kiss polluted me,
burning everything I once knew and replacing it with heated passion.
I'm an emotionally deranged zombie,
feeding off your vibes and clawing my way closer,
closer to you and who you are.
I hunger for your communication,
for your touch and approval.
I want to eat and eat until I'm full
but I'm a bottomless pit and I can't stop.
If I get too vicious will you cure me?
Will you hold the gun and shoot me in the heart,
releasing my soul from the shell of my unstable mentality?
You infected me with love darling,
and its festering in the remains of who I was before you.
"Words are just words you can lie with words,
actions are what actually matters."
But see to me,
words are magic,
even the lies.
I feel like lately,
maybe when you say my name,
it doesn't melt in your mouth like honey,
but maybe engulfs your taste buds like bland oatmeal.
When you think of my warmth and love,
that maybe you misplaced the thought of me with another.
Are you still crazy about me?
When I think of you,
its like a warm summer day,
it takes over my skin, warms my cheeks.
makes me smile at the sky and laugh for no reason but being happy.
When I say your name my mouth quivers,
and my chest just wants to explode with confetti,
like you are something to celebrate everyday.
You are the essence of my happiness
But when you talk to me I feel like I am the thorn in the lion's paw,
that I am no longer a luxury but a chore.
You told me that no one wants to be glued to their phone,
that its no fun to be on your phone on your birthday.
What can I do?
You live so far and the only connection I have is this satellite between phones.
I love you so much and I just wanted to do what I can to share that day with you.
If I could get on the plane right now and be with you I'd be there in a heartbeat,
no questions, I'd drop everything but I feel that for you that's not the case.
Aren't you still crazy about me?
Crazy like I am for you?
Why don't you want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to you?
Why am I not on your mind all the time like you're on mine?
Why am I crying over how much I miss just seeing your words on my screen
but you can easily not reply for hours on end?
Are you still crazy about me?
Or am I just this safety net that catches you when you're falling?