you, you make my bones murmer.
you make em burn.
you make them yearn.
you make me afraid to sleep.
you make me afraid to steal.
you make me afraid to hurt people.
you make my main muscle twist.
your easier to love than any empty building or
endless railroad or
highway at dawn or
or sewer with lifewater.
i have walked around hours and hours before
just looking for a place to rest.
that feeling i got when i knew that a particular
place would do
thatd id be safe for a night
without anyone to creep on me or
rob and **** me or
call the cops on me.
when i lay down my head and i am
falling asleep surrounded by rust and
the smell of mildew
and ****.
a place where my memories wouldnt flood me
to the point of insomnia
and i could finally sleep
with no guilt or
regret or
fear.
you are that place.
a safe place to rest

Hey so I really wanna follow like all of yall that liked my lasst poem "How To Disappear Completely" but my phones super slow and cant load all of my notifications unfortunately so if yall could just send me a quick message being like  "hey whatsup followed you" thatd be awesome !
~ natasha

We sat on the grass in front of Banks House near the bomb shelters now unused but still there like monuments of a tragic past and the coal wharf across the way where coal lorries and horse drawn wagons waited to be loaded with coal and coke and the railway bridge over Rockingham Street where steam trains passed over noisily and behind us the windows of the flats of Banks House where nosey neighbours spied on the passing world and Fay said her father and mother had rowed that morning rowed loud enough to have the woman below in the flats to knock on her ceiling as if to say they were making too much noise with their voices and her father had stamped down on the floor as if to say mind your business and I asked her what they were arguing about and she said it was about her mothers attitude about church going and her faith being not what it was and her father had said she would end up in Hell and was it fair on her daughter to have a mother who was destined for such a place and I said it was her mothers choice about her faith if she had one still or even if she didnt any more Fay wasnt sure about it after all she said faith was a gift from God and a gift that needed nurturing and looking after not to be neglected or lost or so her father had said and even the nuns at school had said similar things at R.E. a week or so before and I said if faith was a gift from God how comes that some people never seem to have got it never got the gift of faith at all or if they had got the gift it had slipped through their fingers? she wasnt sure I could see it in her eyes and I knew she had a real fear of her father of his violence and his strictness regarding her faith and her knowledge of her faith and he didnt like her going out with me because he said I wasnt Catholic and had a lack of attitude towards faith of any kind and he-her father- didnt like me and had warned her not to go out with me and said dont you go out with that Benedict boy but she had secretly and stood the chance of punishment if she was found out being out with me and  she said she was between two people she loved her mother and her father and hoped to God they would not split up as her mother said at times when they rowed that she would and take me with her if she left that serious? I said and she said it seemed like it to her and after rows like the one today it seemed more likely than before and she said her father said that she could not leave him as they were married in the eyes of God and to leave would be to break her vows before God and be in a state of sin and a sin that could mean she was destined to go to Hell I opened the Tizer bottle I had brought with me from the off license and offered her a swig and she took the bottle in her hand and took a short swig and offered it back to me and I wiped the bottle top with my hand and took a big swig and it made my eyes water as the bubbles exploded up my nose I didnt like the thought of Fay being taken off by her mother and that I might not see her any more I couldnt bear to think of you not being around here any more I said she eyed the windows of the flats behind us  and leaned close to me and kissed my cheek I hope I don't leave here she said my friends are here and my dad and you especially she said I studied her blonde hair the smooth hair brought into a ponytail and the yellow dress she wore and white socks and the black shoes- slightly scuffed- maybe we should run away she said just us but she had said it in a romantic kind of way of thinking us being just twelve years old but it seemed quite fun in a romantic kind of way and I said sure where will we go? France she said Id like to go there and see men in berets and hear that French music and drink coffee at table on streets corners I smiled sounds good I said I offered her the Tizer bottle again and she wiped the top of the bottle with her palm and drank a big mouthful then gave it back to me where would you like to go? she asked me I said America to see Dodge City and see  where cowboys used to gunfight and maybe we could live in a log cabin and have a dog and keep cattle  and she smiled and kissed me and said you and your cowboys and such I drank from the Tizer bottle and put it on the grass beside me what about Rome? she said and see the Pope and the Vatican and the paintings and see other nuns and priests I saw her look at me and I smiled and said we could go to the seaside near by and go bathing and sit on the beach and have drink and sandwiches and just lie on the sand and look up at the sun and relax thatd be good she said looking at me but of course we will have to wait until we are older she said otherwise Daddy will come looking for us and then Id really be for it once he found us I sat looking at her trying to take in what I could of her in case her mother took her away from here and me and left a big hole in my twelve year old life and maybe I thought if we wait long enough we could marry and she could be my blonde haired blue eyed wife.

I'd knock out the moon if it shined brighter then you
Id sucker slap the sun to grab its warmth and steel the stars
to put in a necklace thatd hang below your pretty face.

Lonely but not when you hold me can you see that there is no me with out that part of you that grew like two seeds into one tree youre all that i need
Lonely but not when you hold me youre beauty weighs on me this feelings too good should i be allowed to be this utterly happy baby tell me am i good enough for you, are your morals as asque as mine do you find existence divine even though it brings you to tears do you fear theres no point to this all but anyways ya stand tall so they dont see just how scared you can be at times and do you think that its a crime people being so closed minded do you feel like if you could youd get rid of just about every person but if ya really think about it ya realize thatd be kinda irksome lonely and youd rather just be occasionally a very great distance from everybody

the rose held its head down
in its final hours
as the rain poured down
in a sudden summer shower

the daffodils sat at the edge of the high way
and would wave at the cars thatd pass
their exhaust made the petals melt
their once proud heads begin to sink
to Decay
the petals bow to kiss the grass
no one can feel the pain these flowers have felt

Drivin round
Lookin out my window
Through the eyes
Of my small town

Early Morning
Smoke my first cigarette
Of the day
I let my eyes get heavy
As I wait
and watch my future slip away

Day dream to escape any pain
Im fine living a mess
I let my troubles
come and go
I live in a state of acquiesce
Which is dangerous

Of all these things I've done
I wouldn't change a single one
Except for the times
I've held back
Hidden emotions

Wishing for someone
To take notice of my notions
Someone to help me
Figure out life's confusing commotions  

Its okay if I die
Sooner than later
To die young
With a heart filled with
Love
Instead of
Jaded
A heart that was taught lessons but
Never learned
A heart thatd been burned.

Want the page,
but not for fame,
just to see your face

dont want to interrupt,
thatd be rude,
have I already lost you?

oh f*,
72,
Van de Velde,
Je l'ai perdu

peut-être je t'ai perdu

Anger, faker, false mood maker. What has replaced calmness?

Give me your soul just as you once had promised.


Now's not the time, id once thought i was wise.

In the blink of an eye, gravity it did not defy.

Once upon a time, we had much in store.

It fell down to pieces, i had just wanted more.



Down and down the rabbit hole,

Where it ends, no one knows.

Ive chosen this road whether conscious or not.

No room for error, no time for plot.

Just give and give as youve always had.

Well if youd stopped now, thatd be all too bad.

Because like it or not, theyre counting on you.

Not just ones above ground but imagined ones too.

born and raised in farmland indiana
lived there back when i believed in santa
later i moved to ohio
where i spent my teens going ******
finally dad moved us to big texas
where i would come to meet all my exes
after college ill move some place
far away from this disgrace
never had a problem with who i was
but i guess in texas they have different laws

they say
you cant say youre from indiana
you dont represent farmer americana
you cant say youre from ohio
thatd be like accepting a typo
well you definitely arent one of us
cause you dont like to talk on the bus
or in the grocery store
you think southern hospitality fun to ignore?
its hard to understand who i am
so i go back home to my fam
they talk to me they tell me
that every where has welcomed me
dont be discouraged, your one of us
even if you dont talk on the bus

so my texas friends and i keep traveling
searching for my answer, try unraveling
land in china and the people are so fine
they compliment my face and praise divine
they ask where im from in america
and blank goes my rentina
standing before my texas friends
my mind weighs the odds and ends
the logistics of where i belong
is this where i make my stand, sing my song
or alas just keep quiet and move along
say some answer and move on

no i thought i need this
a fight to be free of this
to understand my identity
i have to sacrifice a deep part of me
not going to compromise
no need to lie and disguise
the problems with my identity deep inside

im from indiana i say
immediately im meet with distaste
now suddenly in a different country, they want me?
saying ive been in texas for a while thats you now baby
but i dont understand
thats not where i stand or on brand
i just dont understand
im not just some texas ranch hand

i dont belong anywhere
i am my own ill clear the air
i just belong to me
was that so hard to believe?
i go home and they say im not from home
i go aboard like thatll be my new home

Youd never get it
How intense all of it felt
The feeling of one I didnt want pressed against my back with arms wrapped around me
The relief i felt when an old friend came to talk and gave me room to breathe
However I was still locked in place
Unable to refuse a sloppy meeting of lips
The horrible longing for someone speeding right by you
Knowing him
The desire was always there before
Like a spark
That grew into flames when I saw him
That exploded into a raging forest fire last night
Trying to figure out the expression on his face
Concentration?
Sadness?
What?
I could never figure him out
I also heard bad things last night
I didnt know what to make of them
Had I been lied to?
Trying to figure it out
Listening
But I cant
Blaring speakers and noisemakers
Combined with a desperate grab for my attention
Arms like chains around my body
A plea not to listen
Not to look
Dont tell me what to do
I'm not yours
Can you people stop assuming that?
I told him I didnt like kissing you
I didnt like any of it
I thought thatd make him feel better
But it only felt as if he was running away
Why run away
And text me as soon as he arrived home
Apologizing again
It's all so intense
I might cry again
I miss him
I dont want to
I dont want anything