I count the hours,
I count the days.
Since you left me.
How much I miss you,
I count the ways.

I miss your voice,
I miss your touch.
And I miss the face,
That I love so much.

You used to call me baby
Shortie, my world, my love
You used to tickle me and tease me
And say you loved me to the moon
And back.
Darling boy,
You were so in love!

So why cant you just love me again?
Oh my darling boy
I’ve tried in vain
To forget your golden eyes
And smiling face
But that is impossible.
But you seemed to have
Forgotten me.

I so badly wish you loved me.
Once again.
I long to feel
Your warm embrace.
And to see a smile,
Upon your face.
Just one more time.

How to describe it,
There is no way.
The feeling
that is driven deep in my heart
I walk around,
In a permanent daze.

You were pure and sweet
Dangerous and troubled
All at the same beautiful time
You are truly perfect my darling boy.

I miss you so much my darling boy,
To the moon and back again.
And this feeling will go on,
Forever and ever, my darling boy.

I found I can't say whatever I want
Through writing I say or express how I feel
I don't try to appeal to crowd
I've always had an opinion
Silence make me angry want to shut down
Ive been through A lot I still won't stop
I can only be me all I got
Released from these chains I fought

Did ya feel it
was it real it
felt like it
to me.

To Shortie

There Is something
unique
Behind those eyes
Like a Sun explotion.

Right there happens
A thousand kisses deep
& all the others
Love songs thats makes you
Cry

But, afterwords:
Neither you save me
& neither i fly
So the only thing thats remains
Is this funny smell
Of a memorie on your hips

Give me some clear water
That one thats spill into the rain
and seductively brings life
and life eventually gets
one degree higher
till the sun rises
and you can see
the desert flowers blooming,
and the wind,
colored gorgeous and chanting wind
takes away
my deep dream
about a pair of beautyful
eyes
cause thats belong
to eternity and God
and they are so sacred
as your bellybottom
and my wish

you're the major friend factor in my life
I'm sorry I didn't pull you out of your misery
I still held on
I know you're regretting the silence between us
I wish things turned out differently for you
I wish you didn't keep circling around
  ...........the same fools who often play you
but be still young one
mistakes don't make people
you make yourself
and you needed to step away from the feigns
you couldn't lean on
I know
you were always my lil shortie
and honestly
I'm glad you're in there and not dead.

Fifteen days ago the world ended. The earth stopped spinning, the sun imploded, the stars dropped out of the sky and the ocean fell flat.

And yet.

Here I am, on a beautiful Saturday midnight, standing waist-deep in the Pacific as my hands skim the surface.

The moon that should have collapsed is full, cold with soft edges, its light reflecting off black water in front and behind me. The stars that shouldn’t be allowed to be beautiful anymore are bright, and I can’t stand it. I can’t stand to look at her ocean, so my eyes are shut tight and my palms are pressing to the lids, I see splotches of purple and violet. Violet.

Why do I still wake up? Why does my skin bruise and heal? Why do my hands still make beautiful things, why do the dark circles under my eyes grow more pronounced, why is she not here anymore?

I ache.

Each bone, muscle, tendon, each inch of skin is on fire.

I’d give every breath left in my lungs if only to give her five. Three. One. One breath. One more second that I could see her face, touch her lips, remind myself that nothing can be more beautiful than her eyes.

I cup the water in my hands, let it flow over and around and through. My legs should be cold. The water should be cold. Vaguely, I remember my mother - tall, beautiful - pushing the hair away from my face. The TV was on. Weather channel. It’s supposed to be freezing. I should be shivering uncontrollably right now.

But all I feel is numb.

The grief councilor my mother made me go see yesterday said that grief is like a desert. You walk and walk and all you can think is that you’re never going to get out, you’re never going to find water. There are mirages, spots where you think you’ll be okay, but they disappear as soon as you get closer. And then, one day, you find an oasis.

He said it’s important to understand that this feeling won’t last forever, that every desert recedes into ocean.

But his office smelled like cheap beer and cigarettes. I see no reason to trust him.

My shoulders are warm. Too warm. My hair is too heavy, pulling at my scalp, sticking to my neck.

I get out of the water finally, because my **** hair won’t stop bothering me. I rifle through my bag, find the cheap pair of little-kid scissors she always teased me for carrying everywhere.

Well, here you go, shortie. I finally proved you wrong.

I wade back into the water, running my fingers through my hair. It’s long, dull brown. She always loved it, for some reason.

I close the dull blades around a lock.

Snip.

Again.

Snip.

I watch it fall into the water, carried away by the waves.

Snip.

The things she loved don’t matter anymore.

Snip.

I don’t matter anymore.

Soon most of my hair is in the water, swirling around my legs, clinging to the skin. I move away, frustrated yet again.

My head feels lighter.

I wade farther out. The water’s at my stomach, my chest, my shoulders. I duck under, feel the water against my scalp in a way I never have before.

She’s there, under the water. Floating in front of me, skin pale, white, cold. Her eyes are shut, her lips are motionless.

And there’s this tremendous rush of sound, like whale song, pushing into my ears and her eyes are open now, striking green. Her lips are moving, she’s saying something. You’re worrying again, aren’t you.

She smiles.

Her hand is on my cheek. Her lips replace her hand.

My lungs are exploding.

I resurface, gasping for air. I still feel her lips, phantom touch.

I take a breath of cool night air, wiping salt from my eyes, whether it’s tears or the ocean doesn’t matter.

I look at the stars.