What exactly does closure feel like?
I'm not really sure because
the days I felt my first heartache
like a bullet to my chest
I cried for a week straight then got over it-
I had so many friends, I never cared to love again.
I was never really sure how to close the open door
the day my grandma died my mind went blank.
So I drank away the pain until the images
of her cancer ridden body faded away.
How do you cope when at the same time
you see your grandmother die
you remember these horrors
from your childhood of someone ripping away
your innocence.
I haven't been the same since.
So now what's left?
I have left the one I love
with a heavy heart
and no closure to console me.
I just feel as if I am drifting
slowly and without a lifeboat
no paddle in merky waters
with a windstorm that won't quit.
But I feel at peace
like the calm before the storm
that realizes it will be sunny one day again soon.
So how will closure console this empty soul?
I've never really felt that feeling before.
Closure is a ******* step child to me-
just an extra sock that can't find a match.
A newly lit match burning out too fast
never to be used again.
A bowl filled with resin
when all you need is one ******* hit.
Closure is a seesaw with no one at the other end to help-
you're on your own adventure
and you only venture from the usual path.
It's a road you walk alone-
barefoot upon rocks that have been shaped from struggle.
Closure is the progression into solitude.
So how do I get closure from you?
How do these hands feel okay again
not holding on to yours-
how does my bed feel whole again
without you next to me.
I'm not sure quite yet-
but one day I will see.
Closure is an empty room
before a dance recital
it's a preconcert soundcheck
and everyday anxiety.
The nights are worse than the days
and I've come to grips with feeling this way.
I hope one day to feel okay.
I know one day I will feel okay-
because today, I feel pretty okay.

I see you sitting opposite me
In the café I couldn't find.
All this flashing time concealed within.
Life carved a few more shallow lines of laughter around your smiling eyes.
Small flutters of emotion play so slightly on the harp of my nerves.
Not the once great rushing torrents I had.
Unwanted and alone.
Your kiss was a tonic.
A sweet poison.
Addictive and stupifying.
I will always respond to your touch
I will akways want it.
The river tgat flows between us is wooshing and whirling with joy, pain and sorrow.
Deafing to me
Silent to you.
You stand at the opposite bank
Moored with experience and knowledge.
And I gaze at you
I see your past through my merky minds eye.
Dumbfounded by youth.
Your crossing, each stone layed a loss, a fling, an insipid mistake.
You crossed to the otherside.
"Come, come" you call
"Join me" you beacon
But I am only learning to lay the stones for my bridge.

the water is merky
fortelling a warning sign
of unscrupulous people who will bring me to ruin
but yet he accepts it so kindly
and turns to hold me
it felt so real, his fingers upon my skin
i never wanted him to let go
but this dream was nothing as it seems
for i know that my demise would
only be further progressed if he lingered
however the dream doesn't last
just like these thoughts of commitment
doubt seems to always find its way in
leaking onto my motivation, and perserverance
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
so i stop
before i can go on
my voice alone cannot do this on its own
and i seem to weak to stop the trickle of my ambivalence
chasing comets and shooting stars has it's mysteries
but i cannot seem to jump into the galaxy as easily as i'm wishing
wishing on the falling stars, falling into oblivion
until they wither away into nothing
and still my dreams haunt me
i can
is what i whisper on the wind
no one seems to hear for the world is drowning out each of our voices
telling us more and more each day the casualties and pollution advisories
getting lost in thoughts of tomorrow
setting myself up for failure today
it's a strange world
where things are much more than absurd
i can grasp the idea
lets just hope i can hold onto it

A distinguished flourishing of the human heart
is a rare find, but it can be found amongst mankind.

Gentleness and compassion are treasured gifts
they lift us from merky pits.

In the vast sea of space, grows flowers of grace
but to see such beauty one must taste, the bitterness of life, but equally it's sweet taste.

When your thirsts not been quenched and your souls been wrenched do not fall in sorrow, for all is not spent.

Volumes of uncountable notions are lurking within my brain.
Ousting like scorching flames that can evaporate the pouring rain.
Needing to let them go like prisoners breaking out of their chains.
Senseless words that comes out of nowhere like bandits raiding a train.
Hailing from far beyond my head are immeasurable yet merky words.
Incapacitating my rationality yet it brings me to a place of thinking that is about to unfold.
Restless times that exhaust me withers my mind and my wandering soul.
Entirely escaping a niche that I came to call my sanity being burried in a shallow hole.

Laughing on my own while the rest of the world laughs at me.
Only to lose more of my mentality while I hid from them this epic side of my humanity.
A portion of me is on a leash since its mostly out of control.
Denting a hardened spirit that has almost took its toll.
Burning into ashes like trees  caught up in the fire.
Only to rise up once more like a **** that never gets tired.

Over this life time I have accumulated more than I could actually handle.
An exobite of entries still not enough to have me dismantled.
These are the things that runs through my head on every rising day.
Breaking this habit is like an addictive vice that shall never be out of play.
Admiring my own sense of reality while I stay in color when the world is in grey.
Yearning to make more pieces of poetry in acronyms served on a silver tray.

I saw the pain in your eyes the night we left.
A tormented hollow look that chilled my soul.
All was lost in the grey eyes I saw.
Nothing screamed back in those **** eyes.
Too damage beyond repair.
Not even a reflection of a light from the living room glistened into your eyes.
A useless carnage of a human piece of meat was the way you remained that night.
I never felt lost until I couldn't see into those eyes.
Merky with pain and soon the apathy you will surely devlop.
All the love in the world won't save you my dear boy.
A crushed rib caged penetrates your heart, sticking fragments of the wreckage into your heart.
All is lost and I can't bare the thought of you being dead while you still breathe.
Your heart bleeds out.
Tainted as it is black.
Your no human anymore.
Just a ghost of a person I loved.
Still love with the mental affliction to see that there is something there.
My heart knows there is not.
But I can't burry you now.
I need you even if your not there.
More than ever.
Please help me.
**** me fast.
Loving you is killing me slowely with a repeative stake going in and out of my heart.
Please shed a tear it should be somewhere near.
That we must go and finally be put to rest.

I dip my toe in the water
Of this ******* merky sea
the unknown.
I flick the surface with my foot
watching the surface ripple and rock
it’s dark and I can’t see the bottom
but I jump and don’t think;
a head first dive into the unknown
and deeper and deeper I sink
will I ever reach the bottom ?
and if I open my eyes,
would I even be able to see?
I can’t go back
and I can’t foresee
I have to find a way
to find my feet
to learn how to swim
in this blacker than black;
the unexplored ink
of the world


I’m on my own now.