Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Noandy Jan 2017
Sebuah cerita pendek*

Saat itu mereka sering menonton Mak Lampir di televisi, dan mulai memanggil wanita yang merupakan nenek kandungnya dengan nama yang sama.

Nenek itu punya nama, dan jelas namanya bukan Lampir. Tapi apa pedulinya anak-anak itu dengan nama aslinya? Mereka tak pernah mendengar nama nenek disebut. Mereka sendiri yatim-piatu, dan dahulu, orangtuanya tak pernah mengajarkan nama nenek mereka. Tapi begitu melihat Mak Lampir di teve, mereka langsung mendapat ide untuk memanggil nenek sebagai Mak Lampir. Rambutnya nenek putih panjang dan tiap malam dibiarkan terurai, ia sedikit bungkuk dengan kedua tangan yang terlihat begitu kuat dan cekatan. Matanya senantiasa melotot—bukan karena suka marah, tapi memang bentuknya seperti itu. Yang terbaik dari nenek, meski giginya menghitam sudah, nenek selalu berbau harum karena suka meramu minyak wanginya sendiri. Mereka tidak takut melihat Mak Lampir—mereka justru kagum karena sosok itu mengingatkan pada nenek yang selalu menjaga mereka.

Si nenek sama sekali tidak keberatan dengan julukan itu, ia malah merasa nyaman. Disebut sebagai Mak Lampir membuatnya merasa seperti orang tua yang sakti, hebat, dan serba bisa. Nenek adalah Mak Lampir baik hati yang selalu mengabulkan permohonan cucu-cucunya, serta memberi mereka wejangan. Jenar dan Narsih sayang dan berbakti pada nenek. Nenek—yang sekarang berubah panggilan menjadi Mak—adalah dunia mereka. Dua gadis itu dapat menghapal tiap lekuk pada keriput Mak, menebak-nebak warna baju apa yang akan dipakai Mak pada hari mendung, bahkan mereka ingat betul kapan saja uban-uban Mak mulai bermunculan.

Mak awalnya tidak menyukai, bahkan hampir membenci, dua anak gadis yang harus diurusinya. Ia terlalu tua untuk melakukan hal ini lagi. Wanita  yang sudah tak ingat dan tak ingin menghitung usianya lebih memilih kembang-kembang di taman ketimbang Jenar dan Narsih.  Mak lebih memilih segala tanaman yang ada di rumah kaca sederhananya ketimbang dua cucunya.

Tapi saat sedang menyirami bunga matahari dan membiarkan Jenar serta Narsih bergulingan tertutup tanah basah, Mak merasa seolah ada yang membisikinya, “Sama-sama dari tanah, sama-sama tumbuh besar. Dari tanah, untuk tanah, kembali ke tanah.” Wangsit itu langsung membawa matanya yang sudah sedikit rabun namun tetap nyalang pada sosok dua cucunya yang sudah tak karu-karuan, menghitam karena tanah.

Sejak saat itulah Mak menganggap Jenar dan Narsih sebagai kembang. Sebagai kembang. Sebagai kembang dan seperti kembang yang ia tanam dan kelak akan tumbuh cantik nan indah. Harum, subur, anggun, lebur. Perlahan Mak mulai meninggalkan kebun dan rumah kacanya, perhatiannya ia curahkan untuk Jenar dan Narsih, yang namanya Mak singkat sebagai Jenarsih saat ingin memanggil keduanya sekaligus. Jenarsih dijahitkannya baju-baju berwarna, diberi makanan sayur-mayur yang sehat, diajarkannya meramu minyak wangi, bahkan diberi minum jamu secara terjadwal sebagaimana Mak menyirami bunga.

Kebun Mak perlahan-lahan melayu dan makin sayu. Saat matahari mengintip, tidak ada bebunga yang tergoda untuk mekar. Semuanya redup dan meredup, mentari pun meredup pula di kebun Mak. Karena sirnanya kembang dan embun, Mak tak lagi bisa memetik dari kebunnya untuk membuat wewangian khasnya. Mak jadi sering menyuruh Jenarsih untuk memborong bunga.

Tapi sebagaimana ada gelap ada terang, selepas kebun yang muram, kau akan memasuki beranda rumah di mana matahari tak henti-hentinya bersinar. Bagian dalam rumah yang ditinggali seorang nenek ranum dan cucu-cucunya itu melukiskan hari cerah di musim penghujan.

Di musim penghujan
Di musim penghujan
Musim penghujan
Membawa mendung dan kabut yang menyelubungi mentari.

Narsih jatuh sakit, ia terbatuk-batuk dan memuntahkan darah
Darah merah
Darah
Merah
Jenar selalu di sisinya dan melarang Mak untuk mendekat karena takut tertular.

Mak, meski tak lagi dapat menghitung umurnya, mati-matian menawarkan Jenar agar mau digantikan oleh Mak saja. Umur Mak tak bakal sebanyak Jenar, mending Mak saja yang di sisi Narsih, katanya. Tapi Jenar tak mau tahu, ia lebih memilih berada di sisi kembarannya ketimbang menuruti perkataan Mak yang biasanya tak pernah ia bantah. Semenjak itu mentari tak lagi menyembul. Kebun telah mati, rumah kaca tak lagi rumah kaca, beranda dingin, dan setiap hari adalah penghujan yang tak pernah mau pergi.

Hijau dan jingga hangat berubah menjadi rona kehitaman dalam hijau pucat. Ranting-ranting serta daun memenuhi jalan. Sesekali Mak mengantarkan makanan ke depan pintu kamar Jenarsih, tapi sebagian besar usia senjanya kini dihabiskan mengurung diri di kamarnya setelah Jenar ikut membatukkan darah.

Di suatu sore Mak tidak memperdulikan apapun lagi. Ia menghambur masuk ke kamar Jenarsih dan bersimpuh di bawah kasur kedua cucunya. Jenarsih tak punya tenaga lebih untuk menghalangi Mak, mereka hanya punya satu permintaan. Satu keinginan yang kira-kira dapat membuat mereka merasa lebih baik.

Dengan tersengal-sengal,
“Mak Lam, Jenar dan Narsih ingin bunga matahari.”
“Akan Mak belikan segera di pasar kembang.”
“Ndak mau, Mak. Ingin yang Mak tanam seperti dulu.”
“Nanti menunggu lama,”
“Kami ingin itu, Mak.”

Mak tak membalas berkata. Hanya mengangguk lemas dan bergegeas meninggalkan kamar kedua cucunya, bunga yang telah layu. Di tengah hujan, dengan punggung sedikit bungkuk, tangan yang kuat, wanginya yang digantikan oleh bau tanah, dan gigi yang menghitam meringis menahan tangis, Mak Lampir berusaha menghidupkan kembali kebunnya yang mati. Mak Lampir seolah mau, dan dapat membangkitkan yang mati.

Tapi Mak Lampir tak dapat menyembuhkan.

Segera dibelinya bibit bunga matahari, dan di tanam dalam rumahnya yang kini sunyi.

Mak Lampir sudah tak dapat mengolah minyak bunga yang membuatnya selalu harum,
Sudah tak dapat meminta Jenarsih untuk membeli bunga yang mewarnai rumah mereka,
Sudah tak dapat melihat warna selain hijau, hitam, dan coklat.

Mak Lampir, menangisi kebun yang dahulu ditinggalkannya.

Apa untuk mendapatkan sesuatu selalu harus ada yang dikorbankan? Dan kini kebun, kembang, ranting, dan rumah kaca menuntut balas?
Diam-diam Mak menyelinap ke kamar Jenarsih, diambilnya darah cucu kesayangannya dan ia gunakan untuk menggantikan wewangian yang kini tak dapat ia buat lagi—salah satu cara yang ia gunakan untuk mengingatkannya bahwa Jenarsih masih ada bersamanya.

Mak Lampir sudah tak tahu berapa lama waktu berlalu selama ia hanya memperhatikan bunga matahari milik Jenar dan Narsih. Bunga itu, entah karena apa, tak dapat tumbuh. Mungkin Mak telah kehilangan tangan hijau dan kemampuannya untuk berkebun. Mak kembali ke rumah dan melihat Jenar serta Narsih masih terlelap tak bergerak, lalu ia ambil lagi sebotol kecil darah untuk menjaga wangi tubuhnya.

Ia tahu itu akan membuatnya sakit, dan hal ini akan dapat membuatnya merasakan penderitaan Jenarsih. Wanita tua yang rambut putihnya memerah karena darah kedua cucunya itu terheran-heran mengapa ia tak merasakan sakit di manapun kecuali di hatinya. Pedih di hati saat melihat Jenarsih.

Dibelinya lagi lebih banyak tanah dan bibit bunga matahari. Mak Lampir harus menemukan ramuan yang tepat untuk menumbuhkan bunga matahari yang sempurna. Bunga matahari hasil tanamnya sendiri yang akan membuat Jenarsih baikan. Mak tidak membawa jam, apalagi kalender. Mak hanya mengandalkan matahari untuk menyirami bunga mataharinya sendirian di rumah kaca kecil kumal sambil memakan dedaunan kering.

Di tengah malam, Mak yang kuat menitikkan air mata pada ***-*** bunga matahari di hadapannya. Berbotol-botol kecil minyak wangi dari darah Jenar dan Narsih perlahan ia teteskan pada *** yang tak kunjung berbunga juga. Perlahan, perlahan, perlahan. Lalu lambat laun menyesuaikan dengan jadwal menyiram bunga matahari yang seharusnya.

Dari tanah kembali ke tanah,
Dari tanah untuk tanah,
Dari tanah kembali ke tanah.

Desir angin menggesekkan dedaunan, membuat Mak mendengar bisikan itu lagi dan terbangun.
Mak mengusap matanya yang seolah mencuat keluar dan melihat bunga-bunga matahari berkelopak merah menyembul, mekar dengan indah pada tiap potnya. Hati mak berbunga-bunga. Bunga matahari merah berbunga-bunga. Matahari Jenarsih berbunga-bunga.

Tangan kuat Mak segera menggapai dan mencengkram dua *** tanah liat dan ia berlari memasuki beranda rumah yang pintunya telah reot. Dari jauh sudah berteriak, “Jenar, Narsih, Jenarsih!!”
Mak seolah mendengar derap langkah dari arah berlawanan yang akan menyambutnya, tapi derap itu tak terdengar mendekat. Maka berteriaklah Mak sekali lagi,

“Mak bawa bungamu Jenarsih! Bunga matahari merah yang cantik!”

Lalu Mak dorong dengan pundaknya pintu kamar Jenarsih yang meringkik ringkih,
Mak terdiam memeluk *** bunga,
Jenarsih terlelap seperti terakhir kali Mak meninggalkannya,

Sebagai tulang belulang semata.

                                                            ///

Aku menutup laptop setelah menonton ulang episode Mak Lampir Penghuni Rumah Angker yang aku dapat dari internet—episode yang membawaku kembali ke masa kecil saat Misteri Gunung Merapi masih ditayangkan di teve, dan aku menonton dengan takut. Di tengah kengerianku, ibu malah menceritakan kisah tentang Mak Lampir dan bunga matahari yang diyakininya sebagai kisah nyata.

Sekarang episode sinetron itu tak lagi membuatku bergidik, malah tutur ibu yang masih membekas. Kisah itu seringkali terulang dalam alam pikirku, terutama saat melirik rumah reot tetangga di ujung jalan yang dipenuhi dengan bunga matahari merah.


Januari, 2017
never could this baby boomer papa –
   lviii orbitz round mister sun as I write while wife
at present (takes her siesta) imagine
   dragons, killer Queen Latifah countless ways,

   thee first of deux daughters
   would in vite learning how to comprehend
   unfamiliar infant siren ear splitting strife
and mandatory pronto reception,
   unwittingly ineluctably altering my life

prior to parturition of our eldest heiress,
   ah wanna let
chew in on a bit about mess elf
   before becoming a papa
   no emotional, financial,
   nor physical obligation dim manned did

   obliged, nor required this bard **** to in debt
any of his waking and sleeping second,
   minute, quotidian hour,
   et cetera on behalf of another person Yukon bet

char sweet bippy, that despite initial onset
   of anticipatory anxiety (no pet
tee personal issue; burping baby,
   diapering, swaddling, et cetera fermi person

   easily got shucked off), hitherto
   didst any phenomena until then
   force displacement of personal habits
   to become secondary, and obviously,

   seriously visibly up set
status quo, where embedded fixations
   housed within this scribe
   required reassignment of tasks
   until salient event forced him to vet
any less important issues

   to an unspecified future
   date and/or time, which role  
   i.e. forsook luxury sans,
   affordable focus on me,
   and immediately didst force crash course
   to keep figurative whet
   stone sharp every waking
   and sleeping moment of me life, yet....

though a crash course imposed  role
   viz immediate adjustment of mister mom
(which obviously necessitated significant sacrifice
   upon the head of this major Tom)

never before until that juncture
   such selfless experience ever met,
but in retrospect salutary outcome
   found thoughts linkedin whereby
   time never divided, partitioned,
   or sectored off to another livingsocial being

I never took care of an infant,
   when her crying heard
   yet, the birth of Eden Liat Harris incurred
   (born at Bryn Mawr Hospital),

an irrevocable positive transformation occurred
within and without
   the world according to Matthew Scott Harris
   got mussed and stirred.

No longer central focus of mein kempf,
   NON GMO, and glue tin free
continual attention to offspring
took precedence not always glee
full, and how receptive lee

toward voluntary selflessness:
   case in point regarding the selfish me
bumped off the long entrenched priority
toward my needs and wants prithee.

A recombinant adjustment incumbent
outlook arose upon freshly minted papa,
   where stork sent
Weltanschauung demanded gent
to reef focus his shift, which meant
twenty four hours, seven days a week

   plus work in order to pay rent
away from him, and directed a tent
shun toward welfare, welcome, and well being
   for totally tubularly dependent new outlook on life,
   especially when spouse went
out for a breathing spell
became priority number
   one thru...infinity, no hard sell

though lacking with any knowhow aye tell
asper tendering attention upon survival
   of (what essentially
   constituted a foreigner), like George Szell
thy senses required rejiggering, which this fell
low highly struggled with cuz,

no handbook (as promised by manufacturer to boot
ever preceded via Sir-vex), nor followed suit
leaving nervous dada in the dark spooked by a hoot
at onset, when our bundle of joy
   more valuable than any amount of loot

could buy, and when back to apartment we did rent
(at that time) Pennfield Manor not heaven sent
situated within breathing distance
   of slaughter house five scent.
stranger Mar 2021
You know taking a bath when you're cold is bad for you yet you still do it.
The cold will catch up to you once you're out.
Unless you boil yourself to the point where you can't stand the bath water and the cold is all you crave.
Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar.
You know this anger harbouring will get you sick and at some point something will have to break.
Yet you deny it and cry in surprise once you realise how ****** up your mind can get.
Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar.
You know that you not functioning without your headphones on the street is a mental deficit and you're scared of being alone.
Yet whenever you say you'll go out without your headphones you can't help but connect them again to your phone.
Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar.
You know the silencing glare and the subtly swallowed hate wont be enough to fix them or you yet you take no action and only speak when the times are worst causing everything to crack up again in your dysfunctional household.
Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar.
No amount of self diagnosis with narcissism, psychosis, psychopathy or plain depression will ever soothe your need of validation. So why bother.
Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar.
Your body's stiff, you know the causes.
Yet you try to dance, sing move as much as you can. Idiotic sensual slow killing.
You know you're only making it worse so why keep on hurting?
Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar.
Your blood vessels bursting under your jeans, your veins dying to pop.
Yet you still walk. There's something not quite right with you.
Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar
Your ribs cracking under the spring sun, your toes bleeding from that last run when will you understand you're marked for death when will you be done?
Liar liat liar liar liar liar liar liar liar.
You promised you'll shave your arms, start up another life yet you're still here.
******* around.
You're nothing but a
Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar.
That's not true I'm just tired
Twenty two years ago
     December twenty second,
two thousand eighteen
"star student" born
this papa (and most
     likely thee birth mother)
     initially felt ecstatic,
dramatic (yes frenetic),

and careworn
as freshly minted parents,
     but gifted with a daughter,
     whose existence far
more precious
than any Earthborn
rare widgets, gewgaws,
gems, et cetera, despite

     evoking unsolicited,
unpleasant, and
unmanageable forlorn
communication "dirt poor"
     living (at least ten years
    of wretchedness at 1148
Greentree Lane) unable
to toot our horn,

cuz unbearable, undesirable,
     unforgettable, et cetera,
     and manifold challenged,
when beloved Shana
Punim evinced inborn
developmental delay,
     (which severe electric
     cool aid acid test

     patience of this father),
     much more difficult
than playing krummhorn,
now after tendering the trials

     and tribulations, an
     amalgamation of
     poignant affects,
     whereat your
     permanent presence...
(must never NOT precede mine),
cuz..., I would definitely mourn,
your absence, thus felt the timely

     opportunity to dash off
     a birthday poem to you
     in tandem with sharing,
     (while comfortably numb
and figuratively licking war
torn psychological wombs) - torn
and ripped, queued,
peppered natty psyche

pockmarked with scorn
from self, (and those lives,
this dada immediately
impacted) particularly
your person roar'n
with cumulative anger toward
     this insightful fellow,
(who claims to know

what thee feel toward me),
especially when ****
hours of valuable
     time, now caught
(say, eh...approximately, fraught
upon the half life of rare Earth
element Eden), not
just strictly naught

heard thru the grapevine,
     but forcing Math (hew)
     analysis, via meditation, poetry
     writing therapy, et cetera.
-     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -    
Hence...I apologize,
asper unasked for pain wrought
thee, sans being unemployed,
demeaning "mother Abby,"
bumbling, horrid house

keeper (Hagrid himself,
would turn down invitation),
plus Facebook fiasco,
imbroglio, and loco
motive - complicit in behavior
-     -     -     -     -     -     -     -     -
comparable to *******,
yet please let me conclude
by admitting total lack
of wherewithal.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR DAUGHTER!
(Aborted attempt to mend fences, -
which version overly pedantic for
her minimal leisure/down time as
full time student at University.)
no...no...no...this tree
mend dose electronic
     endeavor of mine, ya see
NOT predicated on

     violating sworn
     confidentiality, which re:
maned wolf heartedly intact NEVER
     your privacy broached
     only with therapist (every Monday
     at 2:00 p.m. I see, who pre
sides in Collegeville), nee
NOR didst "mother" Abby

     give spoiler alert, an agree
meant made, but
     this feeble ambition,
     sans non rhyme
     mark hubble epistle
     awoke within me
to risk, (perhaps
     getting rebuffed, viz from me

to thine eldest daughter thee),
Versailles till young lady, asper
     your lifelong lee
gee in of ill feelings toward dis
     dada festering, figuring, key
ping raw emotions
     within our respective
     most sacred soulful place, this

     my atypical modus operandi
     i.e. theatrical poetical,
     and metaphorical jee
*** sue sparring
     move minus referee
encapsulating dudgeon -
     unintentionally
     inflicting gushing, streaming

     widening gulf,
     and/or long fostering,
     when these 21st
     century days witness
     littoral breach comb
     ming dramatic hee
ving (akin to hurry
     cane Florence's

     club footing glee
fully bearing, dub
bling, and fuming “she”
bore down with
     full might) free
lee wreaking havoc as if
     both of us viewing
     the other as an

     unknown fierce arc enemy
thus, uncontrollable non
     Joe king) paternal
feeling constricted wherein wry
ting on the figurative brick
     wall (near the "FAKE"
     Firth of Forth),
     in good times found why...,

yours truly of course trolling, try
ying to stay afloat sigh
ying with forlorn resignation
     as the air supply
precipitously abba salute lee
decreased, thru challenge
     hang IP course
     to bridge (yar

     suspended animus) bee
tween das father,
     and first born daughter,
     this papa analogously stranded
     amidst the imagined
     raging river Kwai
clinging stubby phalanges
     pinned tingled, pinched,

     numbed gnarled slip
     eerily gripping, clinging,
     and aching fingerhut toes
     did severely cramp
'pon glacial parental frieze,
     plus notepad kept
     in shirt pocket
     ocean spray got damp

fortunately, these digitized
     with binary stamp
portfolio of poems
     didst dry by lamp
light, nsync with external

     hard drive secured
     multi media stored data
     from this scamp
purring adventurer of amp
     pull lat hood,
     the high seas across
     world wide web, I did *****.
Though the heyday and stellar popularity didst long since wane, I still enjoy listening to select song titles (to many for listing here along this virtual boulevard of broken dream) of this iconic Punk Rock band unique rapid fire machine gun punctuated trademark style still induces goosebumps IF only because my eldest daughter (Eden Liat) used to be a rabid fan.

     She even voluntarily recruited this papa (and asked me in her coy, diminutive, earnestly irresistible purring kitty cat demeanor if yours truly could taxi herself, and one or more best buddies, (whom she keeps in regular communication to this green day) to the the theatrical performance “American Idiot” being shown on Broadway.

     Unsure at the present status of this three (?) member all male musician troupe (with a moderate sized following at the zenith of their renown i.e. with quite a motley crue of groupies to boot), nonetheless at the height of fame and fortune experienced by said trio, a spurious whim spurred this middle aged chap to jot down his feelings of unbridled affinity toward said talented three person creative young men within a poetic format (left unmodified only if there appeared a typographical error, or an ambiguous awkward outdated word arrangement) will be appended below.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Billie Joe Armstrong,
   Mike Dirnt, and Tre Cool
which trio known (the world wide web over)
   as the band Green Day
   composed lyrics and melodies
   this listener did imbibe

   analogous to downing musical fuel
no matter the lead singer
   supposedly never graduated from high school,
yet raw bits of primal utterance
    approximated talent galore,

   which excessive indulgence
   with amber liquids of the dogs
   or flagrant downing
   consciousness expanding material

   filled the airwaves of soundstage and/or studio
   with snapping, popping, and crackling
   rhythmic synchronicity evoking images
   of warm from a Yule tide burning log.

I (a common, easy going, generic kid)
   spent childhood years
   practicing the piano,
   which tickling the ivory (way before
   realization brought to my attention,

   how elephants illegally poached and slaughtered),
   for shear sporting whim
   pounded the keys with vigor and vim
speculated at how dissimilar mine fate,
   would possibly be if dedication sustained

   to be a self driven task master
   while mollycoddling the baby grand,
perchance me billfold and financial accounts
   would not be extremely paltry and slim

reflected then and now, on one of those “what if...could a,
   should a would a...” hypothetical queries
and wonders if Robert Frost enshrined and rim  
mem bored viz signature ruminating

   about “The Road Not Taken”
might fancy himself joining a seminary
   (rather peculiar though from an atheist)
obeying behavioral edicts
   (with no discipline required
   from “religious fathers”proper and prim,

hence baring the habit as a nun
   in a convent chances negligible to him
i.e. me, yet...all those mewing kitties
will more closely match my anthem

but un-natural suppression sans animal,
   carnal, feral...predilections
   finds thoughts quickly being
   dismissed cuz of such restrained celibacy codas,

and even preferring to be dangling
   (literally), and holding on for dear life
   from a rather straggly limb
even clinging with diminishing strength

   resorting to contriving a rip public kin battle Hymn
knowing likelihood for immediate salvation grim
er ring, and fading outlook Whatsapp eared dim
getting anxious, and minimally cautiously optimistic

   that When September Ends piercing
   me flesh with pellets of cold rain
grip upon the slippery bark will induce
   greater anguish emotional pain

unsure if mine demise will be a cometh,
   as grim reaper doth gain
another mortal, whose life cut short  
will induce a gaping hole within thy family chain.
Into Young Womanhood

this glorious role, sans
     helping beget and nurture thine first born
three day shy of Christmas 1996,
     fills thy being
     with joie de vivre and doth add dorn
more resplendent than any horn
of plenty, and aye can only imagine
     more precious than fine spun gold
ah...how this papa doth recall,
     when he didst hold

and/or swaddle his edenic bundle of joy
     and taking stock,
     how she (christened
     Eden Liat) didst mold

herself into an autonomous offspring,
     rarely receiving a scold
cuz, she most times seemed well mannered
     and infrequently told,

and thus said benevolent prized progeny
     required no special programming nor app
even when a child, adolescent or,
     latte (sipping) teen,
     this genetic bounty evinced

     laser like thinking
     with a custom made thinking cap
although...yes, (there erupted a verbal flap
toward the missus or me,
     (the latter and former

     markedly differed asper child rearing,
     which unseen rift
     engendered a figurative gap
mollycoddling, holding, consoling,
     et cetera distraught daughter on me lap

which cradling, fas incubating, rocking...,
     which oft found
     this biomedically cherished baby taking her nap
twas at such poignant bonding moments,
page number two.

     aye DID NOT decry the parent trap,

thus now, special "gifts"
     with bittersweet motions bespeak
as tears (viz - ode to joy)
     stream down each stubbled cheek
this middle aged grown man,
     doth recollect with embarrassment
     how as a teen thyself as classic "geek"
whereat mine demeanor extremely meek
AND let NO chanced avail

     for one to take a peak
and now...unstoppable
     grievousness awoke,
     oh no...nothing un speak
or print able did occur only a human weak

ness, when thine voice
     un-necessarily raised yet,
blink back moistened
     slightly crowsfeet darkened eyes set

tills within this intelligent
     well read and let
hard bloke accepts the "circle game of life"
...listening to thee

     beautiful, charming, exemplary dulcet
an em ma nant treasured
     valuable accouterment tummy life...
     YOU BET!
Thy eldest daughter Eden Liat
treasured more'n a pearl
(otherwise known as Rapunzel)...
donated cut hair to charity - you go girl,
ha, whereat your fine brunette locks of love

will be repurposed into wigs for kids,
and perhaps even don kepi
of trumpeting Bullwinkle, his Sciuridae
friend named Rocket J. Squirrel,
and/or his nemesis Natasha Fatale.

Kudos to thee savvy
twenty three plus year old offspring
voluntarily unwittingly hood
amazingly gracefully support
exhausting, flagging, grueling...
stricken young spirits and bring
joie de vivre during
treatment and convalescence

of challenging treatment ailing,
perhaps hoop fully nipping
terminal illness in bud
beaten into remission,
whereby family, friends medical staff sing
ode to joy cherishing
nothing short of a blessing.

Said sensible, smart and
stalwart inadvertent mentor,
a splendidly mirthful and mindful lass
yes, tis biased opinion, quite a
truckload of abilities she did amass
even fending bullies who tried to harass
attractive petite proportionate physique
confident smile shown back

courtesy looking glass
and papa cognizant,
how her art of humbleness
helped her succeed as top class
high achiever at Harriton High School,
especially acing rigorous
International Baccalaureate (IB)
(worldwide, nonprofit education program

plus even when just a little girl
attending Belmont Elementary
promise of success,
my feeble accomplishments
"star student" did quickly surpass
with flying colors earned free pass
concomitantly acquiring invisible

magic ring, and carpet made of brass
the latter powered by
Walt Whitman wrought leaves of grass
at University of Pennsylvania
earning stripes as Ivy League graduate
freelance activist while completing
internship linkedin with
University of California.

Spellbound birth father
internally rejoices ta deum,
we knew e'er since Eden Liat
healthy growing fetus within the womb
whip smart progeny
undoubtedly healthy unbridled maturation,
I vicariously exalt storied accomplishments

accrediting and applauding
every iota offspring earned
blood, sweat and tears
created deafening sonic boom,
and where infinitesimal blazing saddle
burned blinding trajectory
catching eminent potential groom.
Though thine two grown
     former babes in crib age,
now lead checkered lives,
     no longer monopolize my time

     as though their persons went backstage
either one embracing, judging,
     and negotiating positive
     chutes and ladders with courage

evoking glee this papa
     helped both beautiful lasses
     avoid being risk averse
     navigating life with minimal damage

though to get ahead of the class,
     (asper the eldest Eden Liat)
     credit karma fairly and squarely attributed
     to herself with encourage

meant from this papa, who oft time
     felt he lacked any clue
     akin to a hobbled battleship left
     to drift at sea, whence,

     upon landfall sub
     sequent lee forced to forage
in a foreign dominion (akin to being
     among Settlers of Catan),

     plus devoid of instruments to gauge,
     an optimal strategic operation,
     thus figuratively groping in the dark
     (unaware of a brewing twister)

     guided by blind faith
doth admit saying sorry,
     but apologetic homage
     would disqualify thyself,

     a "FAKE" mastermind
     undeserving of just desserts,
unfairly via diktat plucking sweet treats
     awash within Candy Land,

     a deceptive image
entrancing, luring and, spellbinding
     ultimately incurring trouble,
particularly when Shana Aubrey

     (younger by about
     twenty six months)
garnered lion's share of parental attention
     necessitated mandatory intervention

      due to language
skills, plus pronounced
     developmental delay,
     where supreme social service

     sages gentle massage
wrought divine prestidigitation
     as one after another
     case worker did overencourage

to counteract congenital
     cognitive setback (coalesced in utero),
now finds das dada envious
    (cuz, aye got mired, hogtied,

     and bogged down with
    obsessive compulsive trivial pursuit,
     hence warrant so lucky as thee Punim)

     steers ship shape body electric
     round her uncharted cerebral
     cape of good hope passage.
(presumably still alive
predicated on rumored sightings dive
ving fast as blazing saddles,
     her blitzkrieg,
     nothing but a blurry beehive.)

Swifter than Usain
     (lightening) Bolt
Eden Liat
     (thine eldest daughter,
     a mixed hybrid breed
      greyhound and whippet)
     leaves in the dust
     topnotch any racehorse

     prompting speculation,
     she harkens, and begat
     from a long line,
     sans award
     (at trough feed ding),
     many a cooly
     winning super naturally
     infused awk worded Colt

surpassing (with a flash,
     plus even sub track ting
     considerable handi
     capped add halt
ting delay), thine
     prestigious, princess,
     and prodigious exalt
ting marathon running

     smart lee zipping
     as a whip lash heiress,
     thru no fault
     in the stars
     of her astrological designs
oft times humbly declines
adulation, benediction, dedication
     and deferentially finds

reasons amazingly, gracefully,
     and mannerly deflects
     self imposed grueling practices,
     that she quickly grinds    
    into pulverized powder,
     any high top custom made
     high tech lines
     brand name

     threadbare sneakers saved
     with countless
     trophies that aligns
     storied (and stuffed
     animal bedecked)
     bookshelf, even gag
me with a spoon
     humor tinged competitions,

     faux rotten tum ate oh
     (John Heinz)
seeded "ketchup with me"
     hash-tag game
     opened to all kinds
of village people, including
     some barenaked ladies,
     where flashy Mainliners

     dressed to the nines
     (essentially for sound
     garden variety public,
     who generally favor squash),
     that crop up during
     Indian Summer salad days

     punctuates the warm air,
     where one after
     another lover doth appear
     oak kay embracing ephemeral
     pseudo sappy romance
     spine tingling
     as sharp needling pines.
lessache May 2020
takut, takut banget.
takut enggak bisa liat mereka pisah bahkan kalau emang udah waktunya.
mau nikmatin masa-masa sekarang untuk jatuh lebih dalam lagi, tapi aku punya masa depan yang penting. nyesel baru tau mereka tahun 2018. kata orang-orang "enggak penting siapa yang ada dari awal, karena yang bertahan sampai akhir itu hebat" tapi aku juga takut, takut enggak akan bertahan sampai akhir, sampai mereka pilih jalannya masing-masing. I'm scared of leaving, farewell, it hurts. mereka bikin aku seneng, ketawa, hal-hal kecil yang mereka lakuin bisa bikin jutaan orang bahagia, they've save so many lives. mau coba lupain pelan-pelan dan bodoamatan kalo ada berita tentang mereka juga gak mungkin. gak akan pernah bisa karena ya mungkin kayak gini once in a lifetime. susah banget emang kalo udah sesayang ini sama orang, walaupun orang itu gak tau kita gimana, tapi semacam ada tali yang nyatuin perasaan satu orang ke orang lainnya, ah lebay kamu. tapi bener loh! aku ngerasa banget, mungkin aku yang udah dewasa nanti baca ini bakalan "apaan sih kok lebay, alay banget" hehehe maaf ya far. soalnya gak tau lagi mau cerita ke siapa, temen? gak ngertiin, internet friends? banyaaaaaaaak yang satu frekuensi, tapi aku gak bisa cerita ke mereka. satu-satunya ya ini. kalo mungkin nanti aku baca ini lagi entah 2025, 2030, atau bahkan 2050, inget ya kamu pernah sayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang banget sama 7 orang yang jauh disana, yang setiap hari isi hari-hari kamu, jangan coba lupain deh!!! kalo bisa cari tau kabar mereka!!!!!
this is for 7 brightest stars in my life <3
Argh resolution between
     self and eldest
     dear daughter more remote,
now then locating

     a left handed monkey wrench,
cuz she feels this papa
     did deliberate smote
her upside the head, knocking

     Eden Liat stone cold
     in an abysmal trench
thus, this dada doth fear a mill
     stone shaped albatross
     around thy neck aye will tote,

where rotting bird
     doth emit fetid oppressive stench
gloomily decry death asper,
     paternal progeny blighted love
     epitaph finis fate wrote.

Methinks (nee knows) marital infidelity
     steep dividend warrant wrought
chances greater finding needle in haystack
     versus pointless thought
exercise regarding deus ex machina sought
forgiveness ex post facto, rethought,
yet miracle needed, viz

     twill require against overwrought
progeny's psyche mor'n
     solo requiem Te Deum never sung,
     hence no guarantee

     father as overthought
against embarkation entailing,
     nor divine chorus baptizing can nought
assuage besotted dada's flesh, handwrought

hence fiery eternal damnation
     no gunsmoke match e'en gunfought
by Jesse James, no penitence
     bequeathed only dreadnought
visa vis admitting how affair
     kneaded joyus kindling brought

philandering husband discovered
     emotional refuge (against spousal
     epithet strewn expletive language,
     whence mistress besought
similar ****** satisfaction,
     and subsequent fallout an afterthought.

retrospective reflection stills nothing
     more serious then slap on the wrist
while engaged (~ January 2010) with
     nothing sinful 'bout peccadillo tryst

understandable wife got sorely ******
on the sly behaviour the missus
     blindsided, hence over
     looked and missed
and figurative wedge
     cleft asunder nearly kissed

our marriage goodbye
     extra-marital romp illicit,
though we nearly came to fist
sta cuffs, where salty crude name calling
in conjunction with execrable
     derogatory cussing contribution complicit.
(this endeavor more self directed to progeny,
whose psyche wounded, strafed, and nicked.)

Incumbent upon me own
     purring impetus, a sincere
desire arose NOT to ask
     thee anything, but mere
lee accept father's shortcomings,
     which time constraint here
which poetic expression hoop
     fully evokes thee dear

daughter (Eden Liat,
     a whip smart,
     mature first born),
     who didst bear
witness to unpleasant
     super charged rage
     undoubtedly breeding aversion,
anger, disgust, hostility, embarrassment,

     estrangement, hatred, ill-will,
     loathing, repugnance, shame
     when we lived at
     1148 greentree Lane,
     and 734 West Railroad Avenue
neither riches such
     as precious metals,
     jewels, gems, et cetera,

     could never buy
thee equivalent of
     an admirable, equitable,
     and inimitable
     "star student" die
ving (figuratively) into
     the thick of life,
     which grueling, sans fierce

     exertion bore fly
ying colors, where Lower
     Merion academic instructors
     (kindergarten to twelfth grade) high
lee touted your
     above average aptitude
viz, dominant intellectual
     bent intrinsically, genetically,

     and enigmatically brewed,
which "smarts,"did
     advantageously inc clued,
perhaps even a sum mattering
     of intelligence quotient
     girl scout points froom this dude
yielded a metaphorically harmonically,
     and compositionally complex

     cerebral edifice etude,
oh...and of course being
     nursed by "mother"
     as moost vital infant food
to foster (long hall)
     robust body, mind
     and spirit that
     did more good

then harm (I hardly
     aver no critique
     posed against breast milk)
case in point attributes
     your physical health,
     when rarely did thee ail
accessing apportioned medicaid
     resources, the pediatric

     service provider would avail
exempt from common
     child hood diseases
     (nearly all eradicated -
     at least in this country)
     with proven inoculations,
     which only minimally caused
     uncomfortable side affects,

     and for the most
     part did derail,
yet...no matter this dada
     strove not to fail
as thee paternal parent,
I recognize resentment,
     that oft times burst forth
     like a furious gale

     (putting dear old Florence -
     yes her of cane to shame)
if this muggle able and willing
     to wave a magic wand,
     and turn back
     the hands of time
he would revisit those
     instances, when hurtfulness

     thee em man hint
     beautiful darling daughter,
    would even resort to mime
to communicate the
     inadvertent hostile environment,
     ye and the Punim unfairly weathered
     asper blistering crime,
asthma person appeared as a ***,

when this "sir" with hate,
     and/or mother
appeared ill suited tubby
     legal birthright guardians
     in part attributed,
one or both of us
     vowing school of hard knocks
     tubby a flunked out “FAKE” alum.
Sans Priceless Paternal Experiences
Bequeathed To This Papa From Precious Progeny

The greatest gift cherished, garnered, lamented...,
yet simultaneously recognized as utmost prized
constitutes mine declaration, that both benevolent
daughters (now metaphorically inflight) took wing
to embark upon autonomous paths from shortfall

of figurative feathers, that barely fluffed this
Harris nest, and pridefulness (without prejudice),
(nor sense and sensibility if the Missus intimated),
nonetheless the exponentially lightspeed of time,
(no doubt there exists some algebraic formula)

delineating, how each subsequent year elapses
with mind bend ding rapidity tens, hundreds,
thousands...bajillion of immeasurable powers
greater compared to the buzzfeeding, nodding
off to sleep, plodding ennui during naive boyhood

(mine) lacking foresight to conjecture emotional
state (wreck) walled din within the unsown cerebral
territory now housing a papa poised on the brink
of agonizing awareness catapulting enlightenment
gripping intractably kickstarting mortality. Over

the spate of fatherhood, thy deux delightful
grown girls unwittingly, unstintingly, unpreparedly...
foisted upon the very shaky psychological fountainhead
an absolute birthright (asper begetting said offspring),
whose needs and wants transcended those of this

formerly self oriented dada, who reviews the
trials and tribulations recognizing his niggardly
retention of allowing, enabling, and proffering
the best environment conducive to the mental,
physical, and spiritual well-being concerning

those vulnerable young and restlessness lives.
He writhes with agony, asper the domestic chaos
wrought indelible emotions, some roiling anger
(more so pertaining to the eldest (Eden Liat "star
student") emotionally estranged toward this

parent, whose company she enjoyed playing
at the park, or reveling idling leisure hours oft
times winning at Uno, Sorry, Mancala...(keep
on the queue tee, that such happen to be my intent).
Thank you so much sweet darlings, (which out

pouring of sentiments) initially spurred to
acknowledge the twentieth orbit around the sun
regarding the tender loving caring Shana
Aubrey blessedly teaching unknowingly
your truly ill suited “sir” spending her previous

few birthdays expanding delicate comfort zones
living (by choice and mutual parental consent,
when she hapt to be a minor - and now...owns a heart
of gold), this poor excuse for a father loves
both YOU more than these pitiful words can
broadcast into the ethereal net.
(when all thru house in 1148 Penn Valley
thee eldest scheming to sally
forth unlike her papa hood dilly dally
nothing to chauffeur himself 'cept tally
sheet scored with failure.)

Twenty three years ago
most significant event
within mein kampf,
father time thankfully lent
biologically whipped miracle

stork did present
parturition ex post facto
last contraction sent
bundle of joy christened
Eden Liat Harris,
who unnecessarily went...

Thru accursed domestic travails
nonetheless, (or perhaps because of)
thee succeeded with flying colors
laudable accomplishments ye did acquire,
no matter anxiously riddled papa
i.e. me oft times accountable regarding

precious person, he did help sire
still (even now) still smarts,
though his fatherhood
(luckily for your benefit)
long ago did expire
thus, I ruminate more so

how in your upbringing tender
vittle heart touched with fire
brimming with red hot poker ire
courtesy Matthew Scott
entangling within emotional,
financial, and spiritual straits quite dire
I vaguely recall ye

threatened even to hire
self into oldest female profession
such noble ambition
to earn money I admire
to escape "dirt poor"
penurious manumission

psychologically did tread fully tire,
(maybe hyperbole), yet
poverty legacy didst conspire
to undermine potential
filial paternal bliss,
perhaps not unscathed
a fate worse than death,

and/or vampire
weekend sincere accolades,
now liberally afforded,
how ye scholastically did aspire
striving toward eventual freedom

being invisibly yoked,
hence understandable
declaration independence to aspire,
yes a vibrant young woman
with brilliant head
on her muscular shoulders
and powerful legs (I see)

to vault over any quagmire
donning, supporting,
and trumpeting strong
unimpeachable constitution,
thus concludes my
electronic poetic haywire.
lessache May 2020
suka kepikiran 10 tahun lagi liat aku yang sekarang bakalan gimana
Sans Eldest Daughter Eden Liat

No matter this papa
who may as well live in Zaire
he reckons "star student"
no longer relevant to me,
now grown independent upon
your twenty second

orbit since...yesteryear
(happy birthday orbit around the sun
fast approaching twenty second year
December twenty second,
this glum papa doth wonder, where
he wishes owning magical power

to reach back across space/
time continuum and volunteer
to make amends for situations,
he contributed to make unbear
rubble analogous to aftermath
of unleashing paternal thermonuclear

inflicting harm upon
your psychological state
as if pierced with a razor sharp spear
unnecessarily provoking rage,
dischord, grief, et cetera,
now fallout rear

ring up inside my
psyche with **** quare
lee invisibly pummeling,
thus I indirectly persevere,
albeit indirectly thawing chill
between us without,

I can no longer overbear
the torturous repercussions
as if choking by unseen near
medium small at large lightly
shocking me with about
a bajillion microampere

charge emanating
from tragicomic mask
courtesy Classic Greek
playwrights, whose ghosts lear
sporting harris tweed knitwear
haunting me in close proximity - jeer
ring at my parental facebook,

and sundry faux pas
unwittingly causing unpleasant interfere
rinse knowing (i.e. intuitively
sensing) telepathically here
ring cackling laughter,
and imagining a cruel glare.
(alternately titled -
today's lesson iz
addressing categorical imperative)

Courtesy of unpleasant he
ping diatribes visited me
from eldest offspring ugh gree
guss vituperations, doth force me
     to admit (and take key
lock, stock, and barrel
     lamentations to heart), that she
(Eden Liat) didst

     perceive (hence nee),
interpret as her reality
     regarding my actions,
     intents, words, et
     cetera men knee
instances of objectionable
     dealing with situations
     of mine mien to thyself

     (lamely, meekly, and nervously
     pleading being oblivious),
     nonetheless purportedly untoward
     fatherly behavior, said kin recoils
     in reaction to extremely re:
pulse sieve, no matter,
     whether paternal behavior
     of mine unintentional (see

ming lee) find
     ding total unawareness
     as poor excuse, which does not
     hold candle box
     three doors down, nor
     bankable, dutiful guarantee
hence this papa, heed decree,
his displeasing, now accepting

     onerous task of child rearing
     inflicted hurtful affects asper,
     mismanaging challenges
     as legal guardian,
     and thus grievously, honestly,
and readily attests averse
     to hold a mirror be
fore my person as

     proof positive aware
     ness, and accept,
     how I usurped carte blanche
     (parental role, no
     matter honest intentions,
     sans welfare of daughters)
     unknowingly shamefacedly interpreted

     as unflattering about me
whom ***** nilly
     bandied authoritarian free
reign (and/or rein)
     recounting mine foibles, viz
despite my best intentions,
     impressions, and iterations
     as even handed sues err un tee

I mint jewel
     lip succoring (suzerainty)
spurring the conundrum,
     que who, what,
     and how does one pre
sent lee define
     true intentions, and whether
neutral stance can be cree
jewel less lee codifies, si?
After mine wife
asks for this, that
or something else rife
with intent to provide barrel of laughs,
(likened to barrel of monkeys)
yours truly crafts
description how we share mirth

validating how our respective worth
matters each to the other acting childlike
to stave off altercations
that might come down figurative pike
worst case scenario whereby I strike
mine steadfast fine companion.

Neither rules nor regulations exist
to our made up silly game
whereby whenever
one of us knowingly reaches out
to latch hold of desired item
specified by name,
the other person feigns to hand over
then pulls back same
alluded to object

held aloft (think
non verbal teasing banter)
said motions sustained
moments before until...
participant/ recipient
(trying in vain to grab
their coveted cherished
jackknifed prized possession)
becomes angry as raging bull.

Ofttimes when I pretend to surrender
that specific something sought after
by her royal highness prefers advanced version,
she doth lapse into her guttural patois,
which scrambled, throttled, and vocalized
(back of the throat utterances)

metrically syncopated
(couching unspoken) unclear clues
her primal wordless request
vaguely analogous
to decipher cryptograms,
whereby, I learned to look for patterns.

Yesteryear selective pastimes
whiling away hours
included many a cognitively
challenging endeavors
comprising decoding enigmatic
intriguing looking English language riddles
located within entertainment section
of The Philadelphia Inquirer

no I could never solve sudoku,
but eldest daughter (Eden Liat -
yea "star student" who matriculated
and graduated summa *** laude
courtesy University of Pennsylvania
breezed thru those logic-based,
combinatorial number-placement puzzle.

How bland a marriage devoid of non
establishmentarian activities, none
of which include physical intimacy,
cuz me libido went south linkedin
with half dozen plus medications

yours truly readily swallows
prescribed medication to alleviate
mental health issues such as:
anxiety, obsessive compulsive behavior,
palmar hyperhidrosis,
mild depression et alia.
From thee... eldest daughter,  
who need not brood,
nor does padre whoosh
to stir loess hood family feud
(hence an attempt merely
to convey melancholic mood).

Profound contrast extant between
your high achieving
life a wonderful hit parade
on the go compared tummy mellow
existence, yes rather staid,
now devoid of any parental
responsibility since years back, ye bade
farewell to yours truly

(perhaps forever), atop a jade
did apex inverse to my nadir paid
with ignoble deeds soul limb lee,
dissimilar to thee,
a young vibrant woman, unafraid
to take life by the (figurative) horns,
owning free choice (linkedin, nsync,
prevalent...) with autonomy swayed

independent lass not succor tubby paid
tummy, nor does this "sir" ask (delayed
by one day) for thee to "FAKE" express
sing nonexistent affection,
this decision...opting to evade
papa, who must accept such choice,
asper his first born, fortunately UNLIKE me
she earned top notch grade

nonetheless, this dada before he gets laid
to rest (actually most likely cremated),
whose ashes tubby scattered across favorite sites,
yourself and Shana Punim played,
which wistful nostalgia plucks heartstrings
rubbing raw thy psyche, who cannot trade
past concupiscent  transgressions (emotionally
turbulent waters I did wade),

and no intent to telephone and invade,
sans audiologically your ear space,
this paternal, essential, and critical need
my psyche weighed, lamented, and encumbered

grief, nonetheless proud,
thee "star student" made
herself whip smart
by dogged academic pursuit
in tandem with ardent biological
bone a fide exemplary filleted
(within chromosomal dom) mignon,
similar, when Semitic forebears

risked frolicking under shade
of night - countless elapsed generations aid
ding random genetic dice throw begetting
Eden Liat, whose irrepressible
atavistic feral guaranteeing immortality obeyed
viz, call of the wild indomitable

animalistic hankering impossible to evade,
these genealogical ancestors actions unknowingly,
unstintingly, and unwittingly
helped forge, craft, and affect every blade
of grass, and yoked, (a chicken and egg thing)
hereditary survival of fittest
present day unchoreographed masquerade.
This dada apologizes for injure
     ring your tender kin
     dolled innocent girlhood,
     (ex post facto probably
     to little tool hate)
thus this father's lament,
     hoops words can caught her

eyes, sans estrangement from
     thee mine eldest daughter,
asper countless times,
     this papa acted
     like a roguish cur,
now those accidental,
     and/or purposeful misdeeds

     digs like a figurative burr
and/or digging deeper
     thorn in me side - arg...
as the years spin by,
asper inflicting unintended
     psychological pain inducing

yours truly (me) to cry
the beloved "star student,"
     most likely taking mine
     (hurt lock hard suffering),
     til I breathe one
     last breath...and then die,
hence reason for this poem

     to let mine soul fly
free, (the closest approximation,
viz this atheistic guy)
aware at the necessity
     to expunge self devouring
(i.e. cannibalistic) beast - hie
engendered, which

     sacrilegious paternity
     cannot be reversed,
yet only thee
can consonant avow
wool to admit culpability,
     humility, and magnanimity,
thus this opportunity, I cow

whir with unbeknownst
divination, persistent hesitation,
and knottiest lamentation how
so much, your
     life times worth of
     unpleasantness (which telling,
     would entail voluminous writing),

hence a poem for now
aware at the heft and pow
whir of written words,
     which intent may not wow
thee atoll, nonetheless
     rather than detail
every single instance,

     where ye did feel
extreme friggin grief,
     perhaps which pain
     you will never heal,
tis necessary for this
     father to profess guilt -
     not so much

     taking a knee and kneel
ling, attest cognizance how
     my choices, indiscretions,
and recklessness
     did comfortably seal,
sans posturepedic,
     and seriously unveil

fatalistic, narcissistic,
     and pathetic lifestyle blight
such as being unemployed,
     and for a decade
lived in Penn Valley,
a most fright
full and appalling utter

     grossness, where these
opened eyes shed light
on a deplorable, despicable,
     and detestable offal
     housekeeping, where even
     critters (such as mice)
     came out at night

wearing miniature gas masks,
     and also donned with
     teensy weensy, itty bitty
oxygen tanks, when scurrying
amidst horrible unlivable sight

oh...this juiced smidgen of hell
     imposed on Eden Liat
     (as well Shana Aubrey),
     and mooch more could I write!
Tengah malam di pinggiran kota Surabaya.
Aku duduk sendiri di teras kafe tua.
Kupandangi jalanan yang lengang.
Sambil kuhisap pelan pelan rokokku.
Dan kuteguk kopiku yang tak lagi panas.

Tapi pikiranku tidak berada di sini.
Pikiranku masih berada jauh di Gaza.
Dimana kekacauan panjang tak kunjung berakhir.
Hingga aku lelah melihatnya setiap hari.
Seperti pertunjukan horor harian tanpa akhir.

Kusambungkan ponselku dengan wifi.
Lalu kulihat layar ponselku yang kusam.
Dan kubuka akun sosial media orang orang Gaza.
Ahmed , Omar , Eman , Mariam , Abdallah , Mohammed dan lainnya.
Seperti biasa mereka selalu memposting.
I'm still alive... I'm still alive... I'm still alive...

Tapi ada akun Facebook yang telah lama membisu.
Akun ini tidak lagi memposting apapun selama berbulan bulan.
Tentu saja aku sangat mengkhawatirkannya.
Dan aku menerka nerka apa yang terjadi padanya.
Apakah dia masih hidup atau sudah mati ?!?...

Akun ini milik seorang gadis bernama Nour.
Dia mengungsi dari Al Rimal kota Gaza.
Aku mengenal dia sejak akhir tahun kemarin.
Lalu kami merasa saling dekat satu sama lain.
Terhubung pikiran dan perasaan.
Antara Gaza dan Surabaya.

Aku ingat setiap hari aku selalu memberinya kata kata penyemangat.
Agar dia sanggup melalui hari demi hari yang kacau , berat , melelahkan dan berbahaya.
Nour selalu menceritakan apapun yang dia alami.
Penderitaannya... ketakutannya... kegetirannya... kecemasannya... kelelahannya... kesedihannya....
Aku juga merasakannya.

Ada kalanya situasi tenang sesaat.
Cukup tenang bagi Nour untuk mengenang kehidupannya.
Dia mengunggah foto rumahnya , lingkungannya , kampusnya dan juga sudut sudut indah kota Gaza.
Saat semuanya masih ada sebelum 07 October.

Bagi Nour nostalgia adalah penghiburan sesaat.
Pelipur lara di tengah penderitaan panjang.
Aku selalu terlarut nostalgia apapun yang dia ceritakan padaku.
Bersama teman temannya dia suka nongkrong di kafe tepi pantai.
Menyusuri keramaian jalan Al Rashid lalu makan jagung dan es krim di tepi jalan.
Atau menghabiskan uang untuk belanja baju di Watan mall dan Capital mall.

Membaca buku adalah hobi utama Nour.
Dia sering membeli buku di toko Samir Mansour.
Lalu dia membaca buku buku itu di kamarnya.
Berdinding pink , meja yang tertata rapi.
Dan sebuah teddy bear besar di atas kasur.

Memasak adalah hobi Nour yang lain.
Setiap hari dia memasak apapun di tungku tanah liat depan tendanya.
Falafel , mulukhiya , shakshuka , maqluba.
Tampak begitu lezat hingga membuatku penasaran.
Seumur hidup aku tidak pernah memakan hidangan Arab.

Nour juga suka mendengarkan musik.
Dia menyuruhku mendengarkan lagu lagu Fairuz.
Penyanyi diva legendaris dari Lebanon yang dia idolakan.
Aku terpesona mendengarkan suara lembut Fairuz.
Menyanyikan lagu lagu Arab yang liriknya tak kumengerti.

Nour punya kucing berbulu putih tebal.
Kucing gemuk dan lucu yang bernama Kimba.
Setiap hari Kimba selalu dimanjakan Nour.
Tapi terkadang Nour mengeluh karena Kimba makan terlalu banyak.
Sementara makanan kucing susah dicari dan harganya naik tinggi.

Nour kuliah di Universitas Islamic Gaza.
Kampusnya telah hancur dan kuliahnya terhenti pada semester lima.
Tapi dia selalu bangga pernah menjadi muridnya Refaat.
Mewarisi ajarannya untuk melawan dengan tulisan.
Menulis apapun tentang Palestina dan kehidupan apa adanya di Gaza.
Dimana jiwa jiwa yang punya kehidupan tidak cuma dianggap sebagai angka.

Aku takut jika pada akhirnya Nour hanya menjadi angka.
Angka statistik para martir yang terus bertambah setiap hari.
Sementara dunia tidak mampu melakukan apapun selain hanya melihat pembantaian tanpa akhir.
Merampas kehidupan secara paksa dan menyakitkan.

Tak ada yang tidak menyakitkan di Gaza.
Tapi bagiku lebih menyakitkan tidak ada kabar apapun dari Nour.
Aku merasakan kehampaan kehilangan dia.
Aku merindukan percakapan dengan dia.
Yang bisa kulakukan sekarang hanyalah memandangi foto wajahnya yang cantik.

Don't leave me !.. please don't leave me alone !..
Nour selalu memohon seperti itu padaku.
Dia ingin aku selalu ada untuknya.
Tapi sekarang dia tidak ada untukku.
Dia telah meninggalkan aku tanpa kata.

Ketika kupandangi langit malam untuk sesaat.
Aku bertanya tanya tentang takdir Nour.
Apakah dia telah menjadi satu diantara bintang bintang di langit ?!
Ini tidak adil , aku mengenal Nour terlalu singkat pada waktu yang buruk ini.
Aku hanya ingin dia tetap berada di bumi , berada di kota Gaza yang dia cintai.
Aku sangat ingin menemuinya pada waktu yang baik seperti yang kami harapkan , waktu ketika tanah Palestina telah terbebaskan.


November 2024

By Alvian Eleven

— The End —