I have been away for too long
In a solitude, burried with remorse
For I've lost a very close loved one
And the situation got worse

I prayed to be taken away
For my life to end
As soon as possible
Coz nothing much was left to mend

Tears rolled down my cheeks
To stop the negative thoughts
Got taken back many times
To untie the invisible knots

Voices got into my ears
That ached to explode my temple
Closing my eyes eveytime
A picture painted, to resemble

It's you, O'mum...that I can't get over with
Life seems, more like a lego
Feelings that can't be put into words
Every bit pierces through the core

Your smile, your beauty, your essence
Has all been captured by this heart
Now, in troubled weak times
Another scene peeps as an art

How will I ever, comfort myself
That now I am all alone
None that are left by my side
All have fallen and gone

May your soul rest in peace
Exactly, a month today
Missing you heaps in this crowded shell
Hope to meet you, someday...


©sim

Maybe we have been approaching LOVE backwards.
That what we want is really to be LIKED.
When I enter a relationship with someone
I still want to be able to say I like them.
Like who they are as a whole.
One year from now, ten years from now.
We lead with LOVE in everything we do in life.
It's what we already do but sometimes don't realize.
Putting yourself in someone elses shoes,
It's practicing empathy eveytime you do it.
Showing respect and acceptance for fellow humans.
We are loving beings incarnate.
Now, LIKING a person is something special.
It's a choice to be active in your own life.
Having a chance to build that trust with them.
You can LOVE someone without liking them.
Family, old friends, ex partners.
I think it's when you mix the LOVE and the LIKE,
That's worth something to hold onto.
At least that's what makes sense to me.
Projecting LOVE is effortless and selfless.
Giving it away without reciprocation.
To LIKE a person, I think that's what we're wanting.
That's where you would like something back.
To know the unique You is what's being appreciated.
That's when you require balance.
To know you're LOVED is a wonderful feeling.
At the end of the day though,
I think knowing that person just plain LIKES you...
Is pretty sweet.


*©NDHK

Must I remember?
The scent of your hair
The shampoo's we share
Life is so unfair

Must I remember?
For the couple shirts we bought
It's embarassing,
we first thought
But we wore it everyday,
for the sake of our plot

Must I remember?
Those seductive eyes?
It got me mesmerized
Like the morning sunrise

Must I remember?
This unskippable beat?
As we rode the street
With your lips on my cheek

Must I remember?
As we walk by the shore
It tickles my core
For the "I Love You" that you swore

Must I remember?
For the dreams that we share?
In the meadows we stare
When you embrace me, I can tell

Must I remember?
When I took the toll?
My tears began to fall
For you are my wall

Must I remember?
The moment you say yes?
For the love I express
I was heavily blessed

Must I remember?
The day you said Goodnight?
As you began your flight
An unforgettable sight

Must I remember it all?
As I stand by your grave?
You wanted me to be brave
But I'm forever a slave
To our love which we engrave

                                                        ­                        *Must I forget you then?

                              Theses memories, are they a burden?

With you now gone, It's all a sudden


                                                       ­         What about these wedding ring?

                                                         ­ I cry eveytime I sing,

                          Your favorite melody

It feeds my anxiety



Now I look upon the sky

                                  I can never comply

                                                      As I invoke my tragic loss

                                                          ­                  *For the Love Without Us

It's starting again
Like a cycle of depressing hopelessness
I'm going through it again
Different name and different face
But the script is still the same
I'm still the villain in this ******* play
And they treat me like a game
Eveytime it's the same
I always lose, so why do I even play?
I'm always forgetten so why do I always recognize your face?
I See you in everything and I know it's not okay
I try to forget you
But I can't bring myself to push you away
I have to bring myself to push you away
So maybe this time I can stay sane
And maybe we can both end up being okay
But I need you now
In this instant
Because it's starting again
I can't sleep
I can't eat
I can't think
I can't feel anything
The numbness is worse this time
It's like I'm color blind and the only time I can see the different shades of light
Is when I'm with you.
But I don't want to hurt you
Like I always do
I have to leave this time
Before I break you too
I have to leave you

when the cafe closed
our hearts were broke
and we spilled out slow
crashing milk on a kitchen floor
desperate to expand in any direction
with no destination across black and white tile
our fingers fumbled anxiously
to patch all the leaks
but there were just too many
that the eye could not see
so naturally
the flood unleashed
and all of us
were swept to sea
all including  
you and me


we had begun to lose sight
of reasons for holding a lover close at night
my face feeling safe
in the nook of your neck
our bodies melting
as we slept
now both of us stand
with shrugging hands
when interrogation
comes bursting into our brains
and throws its
coat on the floor
yelling
for what did you do this?
for what was it all for?
and the days where we passed
on buses and bikes have been
all used up
i can't plan a time or a date now
to see you stroll up ditmars
chalk full of confidence
with your hands like fireworks
bite marks and blood at your nails
don't you remember how easy that was?

when you'd come over and roll blunts on a magazine
and i'd never let you sit too close to me
but was always willing to flash enough thigh
just to keep you guessing
i was your goal,
and you were my friend
and everyone here knows
how a goal really ends
it's right back to being disappointed again

now i watch the back
of your black winter coat as you
turn down the moonlit alley
caught dead center
between your place and the cafe
where i hear the voices of our
friends still echo day to day with
green bottles in happy fists
guitars on backs
snow on the ground
light in their eyes
eveytime i walk by
there's cheers for your name
the neighbors are  gonna call the cops again
the yellow booth in the back
where we get snapped at for laughing
too loud too drunk on wine too proud
of  ourselves
and its fine
in retrospect
we were allowed
now the windows are bare
and a green light dimly lit
still sits on the brick glowing reasonlessly
a beacon in the dark for those of us looking

and i saw them remove the sign the other day
now i hear there's gonna be a new cafe
i'll have to stomach the mediocrity every time i go by
i'll have to learn to keep my head straight
and not turn to look down that drive
and we'll have to keep laughing
and we'll have to keep trying
though the ashes have scattered
ill keep the memory alive

Beautiful boy,
you never did quite understand the meaning of "I love you".
Not for lack of trying... no never.
Rather because "I love you"' has always had an undercurrent of vulnerability that frightened you, demanded too much of your marred soul, your scarred soul that you spend so much time trying to cleanse..
Like paint brushes in turps I watch you try wash out the essence of your soul in alcohol, you drown your soul in Hennessy, as if speaking those words out loud would be too much for both you and me.
See I love you... to you has always looked like closed doors
and somehow sitting on your lap that night one was re-opened.
re-awakened, somehow I felt your soul bleed into mine and I haven't been able to cleanse myself of you just yet.

You cried that night in my arms, disintegrated a little and I think you thought that I was seeing you at your weakest, but babe...
oh love I had never been quite as enamored as I was watching you disintegrate because in that moment I was granted citizenship into the state of your soul.

War-torn,
in upheaval over a failed love.
The state of the nation that is you was under siege, from a mighty enemy named depression.
Aware of all your weaknesses, the enemy had laid siege to the mainland of your heart.
Crippled by sorrow, the soldiers of your soul lay down arms- unable to put up a fight.
Unable to produce fire rounds any longer.
Unable to move in time to the war torn anthem of late night binge drinking, your soldiers lay down their arms at my feet.
And while your sorrow had decided to reign sovereign- enjoying short-lived spotlight- supreme,
I caught a glimpse of the little left of your heart.
Barely beating,
God barely breathing your chest heaved up and down-  
the sound of your breath the only thing reminding you that you were still breathing and though the war ravaged on... you had called a truce.
You had waved the white flag... meekly before laying it over the bodies of broken promises and late nights that haunt you still.
And I know you're haunted... by what could have been.
Should have been.

And while I was granted citizenship into your soul, there is no road-map because the roads are laden with skeletons that I carelessly yanked out of the cupboard of your heart trying to make sense of the little you have left to give.
I know you watch me trip and fall on gravestones in conversation, secrets buried so deep that I get caught off guard eveytime one yanks on my heart strings in the rare moments that you slip up.
In the moments when your pain isn't buried quite deep enough and this girl with eyes a little too brown has managed to exhume the past... pieces of it.

Emotional labour on the landscape of your heart has left me tired.
Exhausted.
Recently I found a river of peacefulness which we call friendship. Still waters, rippling in the moments I remember how badly I wanted to believe you when you said you loved me.
How badly I wished you'd meant it.  
Quiet waters of friendship, and while petals of of broken promises of an unrequited love skim the surface, it was more than satisfactory.
Recently, I've been surprised at how much comfort I draw from this stream, bathing in it...
I began to float... Comfortable.
Unaware of what was to come.
Love, why wouldn't you warn me that a tsunami was on it's way?
Because baby I'm drowning.
I'm drowning.
I'm drowning.
I'm drowning.
I'm drowning in you.
In your ambiguity.
In your empty promises.
In your beauty.
I thought I was drinking you in but somewhere along the way I began to drown...
I'm drowning...

One of your soldiers heard my cries.
His name was a drunken "I love you."
And I clutched onto his slippery hand as he pulled me,
exhausted onto the shore named 'I'm sorry'.
I have been lying ashore for a week now,
and while I finger the citizenship of your souls ID card called a whatsapp profile, with an barcode of an archived chat-
I've begun to wonder about intimacy, our safe space...
about us because there is so much u in us right now that somehow the sound of my sorrow has begun to be drowned out by the overflowing stream of forgiveness that I have baptized you in weekly as of late.
My cries have been drowned out as I took you to heavenly heights, hand holding, bible-open.
Eyes closed in reverence.

The same way that your eyes were shut the first night we spent together.
Weighed down by the spirit of a praying womxn you unraveled before me.
Every stitch of your being ceremoniously unraveled with each tear.
Each fear launched with each tear,
like a heat seeking missile into the very core of my being-
received loud and clear.

Unraveled.
The cosmic galaxy that is you enveloped me,
stardust dancing beneath my fingertips as I pulled you closer,
stardust- fragmented and utterly beautiful.

Beautiful,
there is nothing despicable about your brokenness for you are forged from Holy Spirit Fire and an undying love.
Those blue veins that I know you've been tempted to slit open house iron which is literally only found in stardust.
Millenniums worth of beauty flows through your body.
Millennia worth of beauty- locked in each one of your cells.
You are the living breath of Israelite slaves- son of a Lion.
You are the living breath of your ancestors.

You are a glorious, inhaling abyss
and while there are valleys of sorrow housed in your soul,
I have also seen Himilayian-like mountain peaks of your joy,
I have also caught glimpses of the road-map you plan to use to unlock the dreams locked inside your mind,
I have laid eager eyes on the valleys of wild roses that you have planted and watered named 'try again'.

Oh beautiful boy, you are so much more than the rocky hills of anxiety and pitfalls of 'failure' that you think has colored in all of who you are.
You are more than your mistakes.
You are more than your mistakes.
You are more than your mistakes.
Oh ------- ------- you are more than your mistakes.

So with this last exhausted exhale I hand back the membership to the nation state of your beautiful soul.
I realized that it was a visa, perhaps a mere day pass for your season of need.
Perhaps I was just a visitor, enamored by both the light and darkness housed in your beautiful bones.

But it's time for me to return to my home state,
Called Corinthians 13.
Don't be too afraid stop by.

Try again eveytime you fail

I'm not accustomed to happy
Possibly even to the point where I lay there
And push myself into melancholy
Because it feels more natural to me.
I know happiness is only a temporary
And short lived guest,
So I kick it out,
Before I get used to seeing it
And hearing its gentle soothing voice
Telling me I'm okay.
Because eveytime I get attached to it,
It screams for it's space and it leaves me
Doubled over in pain,
Confusion leaking from my brain.

People don't understand
What I mean when I say
That I feel like ripping off my skin
To figure out the cause of this feeling.
Is there something inside,
Running through my bloodstream,
That makes me feel like sadness is more fitting?
Its crazy,
Knowing that this monster is there
Hiding beneath my skin,
Waiting to take me over
And drown me in sorrow
From the inside-out.

I can always feel it take over,
And so now I welcome it.
Because a fight hurts you a lot more
When you go into it knowing you'll lose.

Blades in your mouth but you're not chainsaw man
Any opportunity to be an opp
You take it by hand
Forever you swear we tight
Like a Shaolin clan
Yet I see a katana eveytime
You say “You understand”

We grew side by side
Edamame
Call each other family members
Uncle and aunty
So why anytime I trip
Over my family tree
You were there waiting
To catch and bury me

In Homeroom debating cartoons
To lying about taking shrooms
With the water girls to see
If they part vacuum
Thought our college days be
A different world
You saw it like who “the best man”
Now our friendships otherworld
Maybe in the next life, we can
give it A whirl
Until then where’s the knife
We have a lot to unfurl


Continuing to grow making room for
A family
Adding decimals to make their life more
Exceptional
It always seemed medicinal until the economy went critical
Now it's every man for themselves
Even if there’s enough on the shelves
You see me and mine as wanting
Yours to fail
At least that’s what it looks like
When I scroll on my cell

I thought of building myself a new home
I was getting tired of living in a house that had a roommate called hate and a neighbour called war.
I always new the house I was living in was never going to be my permanent residence
But I thought for the time being, my house earth would make me feel comfortable.
I realised that earth didn't care if I stayed in it's rooms or not because as soon as my roommate love died
Earth had already taken up a new tenant - hate
It surprised me how love could just be replaced with hate like that
Like love didn't even matter
And now hate and my neighbour war have become friends

They've been killing people in cold blood
And separating black from white like black and white TV shows never existed.
But it's not just them, they have friends called disease and hunger
Disease and hunger make it seem like it's inevitable for them to be here.
Eveytime they come they take away from my friend joy.
They leave us in pain and agony.
Our tears have become part of us that we have forgotten what it's like to live in a house with love.
This why I have to move out

So now I'm building myself a new home
A new home where I can be a permanent resident
My roommate will be love again
And my neighbour will be peace
The land where I can build my home has already been chosen for me
The owner of the land has already been looking out for me
He knows me by my name
And when the land is ready He will have me.

Why everybody always think they know me? Like they are mediums, as they know what I think or want or have been through... but I only show what I want them to see.

No you don’t know me! No one does. And i would not be saying neither that I do know you.
—-
Eveytime I am nice it’s not me hiding my emotions it’s me dealing with the devil in you.

What should I do ? Insult you and telling you I am hurt and that I hate you for what you did to me ?

This is not the person I want to be or Even is. You don’t know me!

If I react well when you rejected me it’s because at least your have been sincere and respectful and I respect that enough not to get angry or even sad.

If I get angry or sad who that will help: you surely to see that your actions have effect on other: but you alredy know that when you did. You knew it will hurt me anyway.

If you did it you have your reasons and I respect it!

MULTIPLE BENEFIT SCHEME

Pause for a sec, each time I do, before a tap I open and close

Without fail, to say kshnothro Ahure Mazdao, eveytime l pose.

Remember I each time before I switch on n switch off the light;

to Kshnothro Ahure Mazdao say; believe me, it's sheer delight.

Watering my plants, say I, "Ya Amardad Ameshaspand beresad"

And before I sign any paper, a Yatha, I pray, for me it is " farajiyat".

This will me protect against any harm; even if it doesn't make me wealthy.

Along with this a prayer small before n after food n bath, will help us stay healthy.

Benefits multifold are, our water, electricity, we save; plants a positive vibration receive.

And most importantly our children n grandchildren into their psyche, this conceive.

Armin Dutia Motashaw