i am a concrete project amidst
handsome skyscrapers, like titans
of yore, 'yore', a word
which hasn't been used since
the time it describes.

and just above my edifice,
there is a crow that circles round;
no one understands Eponine,
but everybody loves her.

Yore, yore, she would have been
a thousand times
a lover because all she
could do was
love.

i looked out my fogged-up window,
beyond the crows and urban trash,
and saw myself back in the glass,
me, Eponine,
loved by all,
seen by none.

"It's honorable to love that way,
Eponine, you lovely liar."

Progress

4:26 am. Got out of bed.

Feeling really low again. Envy at my sister's good fortune and new friends. She is getting ahead, she is in a good place- but we are not and I am definitely not. Everything in her life presently makes her happy except me. She never trusted me because I dated G. Now I don't trust her either. I don't want anything from her. I finished the story. She didn't edit. She hasn't offered me anything from her end. "Jotted down some notes" is all she said. She did that in college with all her professors, and got As. It isn't fair. See, she does things whenever she feels like it and IF. And she doesn't trust me? I stopped asking her to do anything. If she wants to she can. I did my part.

I don't know where my life is taking me. I am working ******* little ropes that come at my direction-- but I am not even sure if they are worthwhile endeavors and if they will turn into anything. I just know I have nothing else.

I consider contacting my ex, F. Why him? He's the only one messed up like me. L is married with a beautiful baby and that woman he left me for, G is probably already married by now to that other stunning girl. But F will always be alone.

He doesn't want me. Why should I contact him? I had told myself I won't contact him until I at least got a full time job. He's an Ivy League P.H.D scientist at Penn researching the brain, traveling, making intelligent beautiful friends, and doing triathlons successfully (of course the smart ones are successful at many things). However, he still has trouble finding the "one". He's ******* 37. No one is ever good enough for him. I wasn't good enough for him. *******. He's broken like me. No, he ignored me. I won't contact him. ******* can contact me if he wants to.

I realized I have no friends. None at all. I used to think I had so many friends. Mostly men that just follow me around for a while and then leave me when they realize they aint getting this *****.

There's K, but he's J's ex's friend- so our friendship is limited. There's my sis S, who I meet once every other month, but she doesn't always respond to messages (and I rarely text her anyway). There's Je- she and I meet twice a year and we don't really connect anyway. She has other best friends and I am not really in that circle.

Cas- she is academically successful(valedictorian) and has a job, but frankly she is a bit slow. Can't explain it. Plus she bailed at me about the apartment thing and strangely she doesn't like me to meet her other friends in intimate settings, she just likes meeting people one by one. Like she's met my friends and got some of their numbers, but for some reason has never provided me an opportunity to meet hers. Maybe she feels awkward introducing me since she and I met online? Since she's not philosophical or an intellectual, I don't understand the point of meeting more than once a month if it's just me and her. I like her, but she always seems high without actually being high. I feel like I have to go out of the to meet her, but she doesn't have any energy at all.

Ro- the verbally abusive drunk? Let's face it. It's a mutually beneficial- two lonely people who have no friendship compatibility uplift each other relationship- but he's actually of the the more interesting to talk to people . Then there is Chr who just flirts all the time and fights. I swear his ex wife drilled some holes into his brain. He's just rude. He acts nice, but he's ******* nuts inside. Then there are those occasional people that text you Happy New Year. When I was in a relationship, I was so consumed by it that not having friends didn't matter. I have no friends. I am completely alone. Always have been. In law school, in elementary school, in middle school- I was always the only one who sat alone.

I like sad music. I just listened to the Hollywood version of Les Miserables- one of my favorite all time literary pieces and the beautiful Selena Gomez' new single Heart Wants What it Wants. I love to hear singing melodically, softly, simply of their pain. Every single singer in that musical has a painful story. The innkeepers in their desperation, Javert, of course Fantine, Jean Valjean, and the most relatable Eponine. And the sound of the violin. And the harp.

5:13 am. Let's talk progress.

Today I finally had the trial tutoring session. It was Algebra 2. The girl who is my tutee, she is sweet and extremely hard working. As and Bs in Algebra 2 weren't enough for her. I prepared extensively. My own Algebra 2 teacher was terrible in high school. He flirted with the pretty girls and bragged about himself. I got As for nothing. We spent most of the semesters on the same one or two chapters. I've always wanted to good at everything, to redo and master everything. Maybe this is my chance to become good at everything I **** at.

I am teaching myself before I teach her. I am supposed to be proficient. I had to begin on a surface level pace today. She and her mother both seemed happy. I touched on all her first semester topics. Next week is the second trial session. I will learn more and teach her in depth. If all goes well, she will end up being my client and I will be assigned more tutees. If only I could make a full time job out of this- I totally would. Each session pays well. Of course, the first two sessions I give are complimentary. After that.

This is a gamble. If I don't get enough clients- I will still have to manage the ones I have, invest a lot of time into studying for assignments, and then still make enough money to qualify as full time- then I will be scrambling. I can't imagine possibly getting between 6-8 hours of tutoring every day, since most people get out of work after 5pm and I have to travel around for sessions. I hope it's possible. I would work very hard.

My plan is to ace this Algebra 2 tutee preparation. I have a week to make myself more of an expert.

I have to go to more networking events. Sign up for Asian Film Festival & World Affairs. Meet people. Get connected. Make friends.

Keep reading current events, legal issues, technological advancements, and foreign news.

Re-reading my previously written Step 1- Embodying Positively helped me by reminding me to trudge forward and remain strong and positive, for both my own sake and the sake of the people in the world.

6:02 am.

I am going to do a second 5k this December. My first one ever was last month. Second one in December will be progress. I've got to start practicing again.

I gave up sugar instead of meat for Advent. I felt it was much harder, but more rewarding. Today is my third day of the no sweets diet. I did have sweet iced tea and a pretzel with sweet cream cheese, but I will stop those too. I might allow myself to have just one iced tea a week- moderation is more effective than going cold turkey and messing up. This is a huge accomplishment as I am a sugar addict. I look pretty fit, except a little tummy that goes up and down and only noticed by closest family members and friends.

I need to be fit for my health, to be the best I can be, to be fit, for a future potential job in the FBI or PO.  I only get up once a night to *** now. Some nights I used to *** 6 times a day. Is that an indicator of future diabetes or what? Consuming a lot of sugar can lead to a lot of internal diseases including infertility and cancer. If I can give up sugar for one month, I may try to keep doing it. Wow.

6:27 am. Go to sleep, T. Good night moon. Good night stars. Good night Mercury. Good night everyone.

.........

12/16/2014

Went to an Asian Law Society event last week. Made a couple friends, excited to be a member and get involved. Also met a guy, hope he's Catholic so my parents will accept the relationship if I decide to go out with him. He's emotional, Korean American, and verbal- a Gemini. Interesting but probably just as crazy as me. I am looking forward to getting to know him.

Just finished my weekly career discussion group, this is my second week in attendance. I was about to give up on the group, but John one of the members, who is a runner (and I think out of work firefighter), reached out to help me by emailing my resume around to different people he knows. He's the reason I decided to keep coming until I find a job. We shall see what happens. I have a tendency to jump around to things and not see them to fruition, but I am working on developing strong skills.

Today, I am feeling grateful. I live in a generation in which globalization is both a positive and negative thing. However, today I feel positive despite all the problems. There are so many opportunities, and I just have to figure out to unlock the how.

I used to be one of the brightest reds
but now I've turned grey
forced to be numb
grown familiar with the pain
"Is this right or is it wrong?"
I ask myself everyday
while you are unaware of these conversations in my head
that I am caught up in this fray

if you could only see the way the way
you tell me endless stories about her
like the gleam in your eyes and
how your smile grows wider
every time you mention her name
inimical to your happiness
there is an ache in my chest
yet I do not blame you for my heart’s distress

how could you be so oblivious?
why can’t you realize? why can’t you see?
why won’t you pay me enough attention
and look at me properly?
you leave me with no choice
but to stop myself from jumping off the cliff
only to fall into nothing but misery

as I fill this paper with the
breathings of my heart
tears blur my vision and they fall drop by drop
I’m all by myself again, nothing new
with a question left in my mind:
am I in love with you?

Little does he know,
Little does he notice;
A flower yet to sow,
Unwanted like jaundice.

When will my voice be heard?
When will I be out of soak?
It’s like saying to the Lord,
“If only I can touch his cloak.”

He merely sees me more
For he seeks me as company.
Spreading like sore
In my heart, it is him only.

I wish I could steal him away
So no one else can interfere.
Please, by my side he’ll stay,
Don’t take him as I fear.

How I dream he’d be in my arms,
Holding me so tight.
Alas, it’s just a dream that harms
My reality as it might.

Who does he seek for forever?
Oh, it’s not me, I bet.
Or if he does, I’ll savor
What Fate has made and set.

Alas, here’s my downfall,
Together with its pangs of pain.
Seems I’m not the apple the eye after all.
Okay, my heart is sealed again.

my blood's running through my veins
ice cold, so slow
my mind's stumbling over memories
from a lifetime ago.
my eyes don't shed tears,
but somehow they cry,
as i listen to the sound
of a broken heart die.
you listen to the lies,
i listen to the feelings,
bleeding through the words
that float to the cloudy ceiling.
watch the angel's wings,
last breath in her eyes,
wings spreading wide
as she chokes out her goodbyes.

a heart full of love,
couldn't see the dedication.
you loved her like she was
a prescribed medication.
when you saw the light, and
made a fresh new start
you threw away the pills,
stabbed a dagger in her heart.
so when the love ran red and
the truth came out,
you held her hand, just once,
as the rain poured down.
in her last living moments
you swear to keep her safe,
but in the end, God's hands
tore her from this wretched place.

Oh, from a starving lady to a man,
This can't be more than just a little show!
Say then, what if there is some higher plan?
Don't say you'll love a girl who you don't know!
I cannot say your love is false or dull,
Nor can I ever say she's not a dame
But I can say my heart is twice as full
Of poems that are titled with your name.

So, if the words you say to her are true,
Then you go have your fun and I will stay--
Outside and all alone and without you,
My heart will sing those words you'll never say.
My love is thus-- My love is always so
That what is in your heart I'll never know.

oh i know that i’ll die with
your name on my
l i p s

oh i know that i'll die
in the warmth of your
a r m s

I cannot wait
To weather storms with you,
And I cannot wait
To see all the miracles of life with you.

And I used to think
I was the Eponine
To your Marius,
But I am the Hinata
To your Naruto.

My head hurts with
Pain I faced alone,
But I can't wait for the day
We face the world hand-in-hand,
Because you are all that I've ever wanted
Out of life and more.

It's taken awhile,
But I'm finally where I'm meant to be,
I'm finally within your heart.

Study the stage, young women
Because the day will come when you fall in love with a boy
                                                             ­  who's in love with you
                                                   but your friend loves him, too.
And let's face it. She deserves him.
So do it for her - channel Dorothy's excitement at the Land of Oz,
                             Hello Dolly's kindly matchmaking.
                             Be the Nurse to her Juliet; keep her secrets.
Only at night allow yourself to lose character.
You can then become Eponine in the rain,
                                       Christine in the depths of the opera house,
                                       Maria watching her world torn apart.
Avoid the boy's gaze if you can, ladies,
Because he knows you're no Dorothy,
                                              no Dolly,
                                              no Nurse.
He knows and you know, but you do it for her.

He is intangible
Of that you are certain
Intangible and far away
And realistically
There's nothing you can do about it
No wand to vanish the distance
No command to solidify his existence
No chance to verify the feelings drifting across modems

It seems a cruel trick of the Cosmos
That you should be obsessing
Over a binary being
A body who takes the form of a chat window
For all you know, he isn't even real
You could have dreamed him up
Imagined yourself a lover
And placed him across an ocean
Conveniently out of reach when you need him most

Yes, it's a cruel trick
To be questioning the universe at every turn
Wondering if it's his intangibility that captures you
Rather than the sweet words he lets play across the screen
Wondering how he could ever disappoint you
If he's only made of instant messages

Sometimes
You hold your own hands
Wishing you could trace the lines of his palm
Imagining having something solid to hold
Instead of slippery dreams and fluffy half-images
That get dislodged by catchy songs

Sometimes
You talk to yourself as though he could hear you
Wishing the sound could reverberate around his room
Envisioning the faces he would make
And hallucinating his responses

Sometimes
You want to slap him
Wishing you could hear the satisfying smack
Of your palm against his cheek
Rather than the clattering of your typing fingers
When you're jealous over a piece of cyberspace

Nonexistence is disappointing
When you've worked out all the details in your head
All you want to do is reach out
And not be stuck catching at empty air

In the end
His intangibility will let you down
So why are you so enchanted?

Why are you feeling like Eponine
Pretending he's beside you
Knowing you're living in your head?
And yet these days
You find it far too easy to let the city fall away
Only to have it shock you with its solidity
When you realize you've been imagining things again

She is his Cosette

and I

his

Eponine.



A little fall of rain can

hardly hurt me now

but you can–-

you have—

my love.



–The Miserable