do you recall
the crunch beneath our feet
a gesture small
as we ambled down the street
dirt and gravel
I felt pebbles through my shoe
I unravelled
When I looked at you

Where did you come from
Are you real?
Is this how I’m supposed to feel?
A dreamgirl
In a dreary place
I’ve counted every freckle on your face

Sunlight peaked through maple branches
in such a tranquil way
missed chances to make advances
I always hoped you'd stay
a fork in the road ahead
we went different directions
I used many different methods
to try and snag your attention
Where did you come from
Are you real?
Is this how I’m supposed to feel?
A dreamgirl
In a dreary place
I’ve counted every freckle on your face

you never seemed to notice
you just stared ahead
heart bloomed as if a lotus
while I tugged at a loose thread
sometimes I'd begin to speak
but choked upon my words
so I walked next to you without a peep
and together watched the birds

Where did you come from
Are you real?
Is this how I’m supposed to feel?
A dreamgirl
In a dreary place
I’ve counted every freckle on your face

it's odd and super subtle
the synchronicity
insignificant and pointless
yet means the world to me
quiet walks every afternoon
past the garage and dead leaves
we watched the starlings courtship
do you remember me?

Where did you come from
Are you real?
Is this how I’m supposed to feel?
A dreamgirl
In a dreary place
I’ve counted every freckle on your face

Was I just token
& do you
really like
to see me broken...
...hey,
dreamgirl,
why can't you hear me?

~ dad said she'd be famous ~

"...a doctor
or diva
like lena horne," he said

he'd been doing odd day jobs
and driving cabs deep into the night
through  these mean city streets
since ella's debut
at the apollo

and his smile
grew wider than
jackie o's
reservoir in central park
when this bouncing baby girl
made her grand debut
into his world

the dimples on her
cherub caramel cheeks
were irresistibly pinchable

and those twinkling eyes
knew she'd be spoiled infinitely
like a fruit-fly in a box
of rotten apples

~ reality check ~

....if you look closely
you might still see one dimple;
but the twinkles departed
back in '75

....and the burns
on her fingertips
and blistered lips

....and the bones....
jutting  like the bones
of refugees and anorexics

....missing flesh

...and the tracks
on her forearms
and filthy jeans

.....and the eyes....
shifting like the eyes
of senators and thieves

....telling lies

.....and the rotting corpse
in a black garbage bag
in fresh kills

multiple choices removed
from the doctor
and diva of daddy's dreams

hijacked by dream-killers:
smack
      crack
  and addiction

~ P (Pablo)
(8/1/2013)

My Dreamgirl Don't Exist.
At Age 5 She Slit Her Wrist.

I had a dream about you
On a night that I thought would never end
I walked over to talk to you
Don't take it the wrong way if I just wanna be friends
After all that's happened over the years
I can't take anymore tears

I know you like to do your own thing
And I need my independence
It just never seems we are ready at the same time
Never heard of interdependence
The classic way of doing things
Was never for me and clearly isn't for you
So lets just be true and cool
But were both fools

Are we lost? Or are we just fine?
Hold me close tell me where to find
You when I feel like falling out of reach
In a dream maybe where you are standing by the beach
Covered in sand this castle of ours
I dream of you always and it goes on for hours
I don't wanna wake up if it means losing you
I will gladly make that, just tell me and I'll do
Your eyes are blue with a kaleidoscope of colours in different hue
I am so not gonna move from here cause I am enjoying the view
A reflection of me and you and a world we created on our own
There's no place like home in your arms where I belong

Hazy dreams
of you
I had
When I was
but a teen
I wished for you
to come to me
I even used
Black Magic
Wishing hard
I got my wish
And there you were
Surrendered
I stare towards your glow
I stare towards your glow
I stare towards your glow
I stare towards your glow
You're glow
And I am
Speechless
En Agape

Dear girl who dreams of my  manic pixie nightmare

You are the one I never expected to meet
I am the one you have met a million times before

You're the girl obsessed with film craving invasion on television screens, propagandist **** muse, docs and a **** cut
I'm the girl obsessed with ******* and using boundaries as skipping ropes or thread to turn my hair to tapestry

You're Bowie
I'm Hendrix

You like visuals, shapes and sound and pretty cinematography and things I can't understand, your mind is a transcript in calligraphy I can't decipher,
I like books that come in three and getting to the end and not knowing how to live anymore

You're brimming full of hope and dreams and set lighting
I'm disappointment and drowning shame in the bottom of tumblers, spilling the leftovers into quotable dialogue

You're too good for my obscenity to taint, you can't find what you're looking for in me
I'll be your undoing spiralling constantly in a figure 8

You are the manic pixie dream girl we've all been searching for

It’s like you are snoring
While you are awake
You emanate noise
Unaware
On and on
It grows
Until it stops without warning
Just a peaceful tease
Then “The Return”
A hit performance
Thoughts from your head in puffs of air being traded for oxygen
You breathe words
I pray to black out
Halt the sound
Bring sleep
But you can’t unplug
It’s like you are a noise machine that is unable to shut off
It’s OK
Repeat the mantra:
     I would miss this when gone
     I would long for the soundtrack of your being
     I would long for the music that is my love
     My Dreamgirl...


Dear Lord...
**** me now

gorgeous doesn't
do you
justice
when I just wished for the chorus
singing our lousy song, I
stayed up late with it
I
counted the sheep
they fell asleep
I'm
clutching the sheets
stop thinking there's a
Dreamgirl
quit pouring that red-cheek idea
down your throat
a few more
fast
the song should end soon
sore knee love
should end soon
professional pretender
bending blinks
more drinks, bartender
loving you gets
expensive
I'm paying with my
well-being
I'm being lied to by sunlight
cause I can't trust anything
after it leaves

I've written letter after letter
but I can't give you the contents of my heart
in just blue ink and paper
I want you to make me feel
as if you've taken all my air and replaced it with yours
Understand that I was low-key in love with you
until that one night in December, or was it November?
and now I can't stop saying "I love you" between kisses
I'm 50% dreamgirl and 50% wildfire
but you've never thrown water on me
My hand was always three inches above the panic button
until you took it away from me
Safe to say --  I'm half crazy for your love
I've been restless my entire life
So who are you to come and tire me out?
I'd let you steal the blood from my veins
and replace it with cyanide if it made you happy
I'm going to carve our names into a tree
and hope my heart doesn't send the place up in flames
I'd apologize for all the pointless, kind of dumb things I say
but you made my heart beat so hard
It's all I can manage to hear sometimes
but no part of me feels guilty
for wanting to kiss you until I lose my mind and find it again
The constellations are ugly compared to your smile

Am I being clear?
Never liked being transparent.
I know you think most literature is pointless, irrelevant
but this is like watching my brain and heart
**** each other on paper, neither of them ever dies though
Can you tell by the way I say, whisper your name?
Wide-eyed at 3AM because I stopped taking sleeping pills
So I can lie awake thinking about the last time
you touched me, not just touched me - and kissed me on the head
I used to **** love for fun
Now if I ever deny loving your every cell,
every functioning polygraph in the world,
would break at the same time
Maybe you won't understand but I think you do
I've decided calling you my 'drug of choice' is too cliche,
but how else do I say I'm hooked
and I don't need 12 steps for this addiction.
You're counting me down at my front door,
my heart is dynamite at that point but all I can whisper is
"I love you"
So I guess, I love you
I mean, I love you
You make me feel like someone going the wrong way
down a one-way street. I love it.

the convenience about being
a magical women is that
I can be gone
just as quickly as I came
and if im still here
there
i wont wont be for far too long

You:
Text book Manic Pixie Dreamgirl, all blonde hair, blue eyes, and have you heard this song yet?
You call blood pomegranate sludge, and tattoo your toes with safety pins and spoiled ink.
Your freckles are corks, we understand, and your pain outweighs your grief.
You once found solace at the bottom of a bottle, now it lies crumpled in a lover's hand.
Bad kids! We were, but never bad enough for you.
Not twenty-five miles per hour, beer in hand, the sun is setting, we might not last till morning, but we'll go on driving anyway, bad.
You are cross-country dazzling, where-will-she-go-next? Paint brush lusting, vintage sweater.
You have spark plugs in your ears.

she's a dream
and i am the dreamgirl
all wrapped up in red

she moves so quietly
you couldn't tell
she's afraid

timid and tiny
obsolete wonder
in her eyes

floats to my staircase
in white