Is there anything more pure
Than a dog who curls up at your side
And leans her sweet meaty head against you
And falls asleep,
Dreaming her dreams as she snores?

A studied and precise move,
(the snoring is key for peak adorableness) clinically proven to woo your human into giving you a bite of her dinner.

Merely you in the mind,
With your always nature soft and kind
If I could by heart express you
You are my life and end too
If I get closer, I am living though
If I go away, my heart will go

Merely you in my heart,
your love ensembles my whole part
Of brain and vein, and the emotions wart
Unless thee shine as a summery sun
With your beauty and cleverness,
With your energy and adorableness,
you are my number one

Merely you in the earth,
Yes, I'm falling in your love,
And I bet spending all my wealth
Even myself and all my health
To love you, in my soul to inearth

Merely you I can see
I wish you and I become we,
You got me,
And I held my mine,
Until you shelter and lee
I see no else except thee
You reach the high of legacy,
You are my heart's legatee
I wish you and I become "We"

Look into my eyes...
I promise you this adorableness is a disguise

Look at me...
I'm small, thin, fragile, and weary

You could call it fur, what surrounds my face...
A brown thin curtain covers me, a soft lace

My eyes will fool you
A cat with two different colored jewels, this trait goes to few

Yes... I have many traits
That makes you think of me as a kitten... but just wait

But you must be warned
I may look like an easy catch to hold and cuddle, but many skins have been torn.

You may only see cute soft gentle paws
But remember... This Kitten Has Claws...

Waves of grief have burst the walls
A tsunami of tears in Aughnish
A high tide has carried you to pastures new.

We will treasure your memory
Your warm wooly heart
Your delightful adorableness
That lit up the day
Good night God bless
Dear Beartlai .

I stare up into the night sky in admiration
Little twinkles forms many constellations
Each with its separate formed definitions
And I hope I'm not stuck in repetitions
           But
You are the most beautiful star out there
Your sense of humour is very very rare
My immaturity still exudes from my being
But the deeper parts others aren't seeing
You saw right through my external facade
And dislodged pieces of broken shards
Of glass that tampered with my heart beat
And this I surely will always forever repeat
...
You are the most beautiful star out there
Your adorableness in the way you care
Your playfulness that brings upon a smile
You've made everything reform like tiles
From the shattered pieces of my heart
Reshaped into something sweet like a ****.
You placed tiles and tiles of me together
Forming a picture that looks a lot better
Because the picture now has you in it
And maybe this time it truly is infinite
But even if time stood completely still
You'd move stars through rocky hills
Just so they would shine over us
You'd turn iron and copper from rust
And maybe this time, through all the stuff
Truly everything you do for me is enough...

You light up my life
Keep minds from strife
You brightened my night
With luminous star light.
Your adorableness is warm
And I feel no need to conform.
You cured me from internal ache
Healed hearts from heartbreak
Left scars like tattoos across my mind
From you running through it all the time.

Don't leave anymore marks,
I don't know how deep I might fall
But then again I feel a spark
That just feels as natural as nature's call.

Leave as many mark as you want,
Because I know you will fix those mark
And make sure those marks won't
Hurt my soft and weak heart.

I trust you to not break me.
I trust you won't leave or flee
So leave as many marks with Cupid's bow
Are you ready? Steady? Get set. Go!.

You are a spectre haunting my mind and heart
Your presence looms over me every instance
You stood on your toes creating a shadow over me
To prevent the scorched sun from singeing my flesh
You held your heart while grasping at mine too
You dipped ink to the skies so it remained blue
Lit flames across your skin just to spare me pain
Fell on a thousand razors all aligned like a train
Just to see me be fine once more.

I can't keep it all hidden
Taking secrets after secrets
Till I become bedridden
Holding onto regrets.

I want to know when I let you go
You'll still see the beauty in snow
And when you let go too
I want your skies to remain inked blue.

Your adorableness knows no bounds
And one thing I have truly found
There's a part of me that wants to tell you
That I want to be one rather than two.

I won't let go of you, not ever
But some bonds become sour and sever
So I can't promise you eternity
But I can promise you my love is forever for thee.

I need not know what thou could do for me
But only what mine heart could do for thee.

I was alienated from your love
that I longed to feel again,
to hear your voluptuous verbal diction,
reminiscing on the way you gave
me the chills, missing the kisses
and wishes fulfilled, how I could
always escape from reality
into your magnetic galaxy,
becoming helpless
around you’re your adorableness.

I didn’t know how to be strong
without you in my world,
hurting, starving, heartbreaking thoughts
filling my mind, drilling my brutal
verbs inside the corridors of my core,
relentlessly sobbing, rocking sideways,
trying to keep it together, but I was going down.

I was lost in love with you,
wanting to bring back all the times
that you made me feel like I had
found the greatest love that no one else
had discovered, consoling me, speaking
affectionate to me, assuring me that you
were the safest place to be,

I loved you so **** bad, going mad,
spending many cold and broken nights
secluded in my parked car, wondering
where did I go wrong, viciously hitting
the steering wheel, screaming, wishing
that you’d come back to me so that
you could heal my heart.

But I had to face the truth and realize
that you were never coming back home,
that you found magic in another woman
that was loving you, kissing you, touching
all your favorite spots, having wild
and spontaneous ***, ******* me up
to know that I was sitting on the sideline,
feeling it all, so far away from you,
so confused, endless tears streaming
down my cheeks.

Brown
to graying
long whiskers waving
creature displaying
innocence playing.

It’s a youtube
rabbit hole
that I follow
to ease my
sorrowful soul,
that has been
swallowed
by this hollow
hateful
world.

A ten minute
diversion
from what is
so urgent
as cute and fluffy
kind of scruffy
otters eat
and live
playfully.

Soft
fur rubbing
adorableness
to counter
this
horribleness
I have witnessed
for most of
my life.

Sleeping
to swimming
squeaking
to running,
on the rock
sunning.

What a nice break
from the hate
I’ve seen.

Next stop
jungle sloths
hanging from
a tree.

I feel sad today
My three friends are all too busy to see me
My spattering of newer acquaintances will not satisfy
I want to laugh with someone I am not learning
My other friends who I could lean on
Live far far far away
I have a new cat who requires oodles of attention
And who attacks my resident cat
So I keep them separate
I miss my cat deeply
Though she’s just in the other room
I get 20 minutes to an hour with her every 3 hours
Until the new cat cries and I go to her

I’m sure it doesn’t help my current state
That I am not just lonely
I am embarrassed to be lonely
Why doesn’t anyone other than my mom prioritize seeing me?
Why am I not someone’s whole world?
And this is an over dramatic question
Just this week I had dinner with a friend on Tuesday which he insisted upon because he would be away the weekend
And usually we spend some part of the weekend together
I don’t have a lover or two
Just me
And my friends with their busy lives and partners and roommates and careers
And I have my music and my cats
My paintings
My seemingly endless renovations

My horoscope which says it’s time to dig deeper into this feeling
Find where I allow another to soothe this sadness
The loneliness is normal I think
But the embarrassment of it  
The fear of needing
The flinch away from wanting
The idea that because I am lonely I must also be unlikeable, unloveable
This feeling that in the absence of another’s adoration, my adorableness ceases to exist
It’s not true
And that’s what my horoscope says I should be healing and releasing
I’ve been dutiful
Finding and weeding out where I participate in codependency in my friendships
I’ve seen and stopped the behavior
And now I’m here
Noticing how I can’t just be lonely
I am also alone and embarrassed to be so
Which is stupid
I’m not married
I don’t have a roommate or live with family
I’m not dating anyone
Of course I’m alone often
Which is okay and is not a reflection of my worthiness to another
It’s just what the situation is

I used to have friendships with people I didn’t actually like very much
Who very much liked me or so it seemed because they were always asking to see me
And that made me feel that I was at a surplus
But then I realized it I didn’t actually want to see them I just didn’t want to be alone
So I stoped seeing those people
And now I sometimes feel I am at a deficit

Boundaries and time management
Being seen
Vulnerability
Easy laughter
Connection
Brushing our teeth together
Knowing the smell of her hair and skin
Inside jokes
Having another person (other than me) to get flowers for
The joy of being in love
All loom in the distance
Large and ephemeral
Like a huge cloud far and high in the sky

My horoscope says dating will open up in November
5 months to figure it all out
So that on November 1st
I can walk out my door
Into the autumn sunshine and meet the love of my life

How disappointed will I be if November comes and goes and I don’t meet anybody?
If the plans for dates continue to fall through?
If the texts go unanswered?

Maybe by then
With all the growth I’m planning for the next 5 months!
I will be okay with it
Flush with acceptance and ease in the avenues of my existence

I hope it won’t be something like
“When you least expect it, it happens!”

How beat down and forlorn will I have to be
To one day stop picturing my wife in my mind?
To stop hoping to meet her?

Is the big block also my fear of my mothers rejection?
The look of horror and disgust on her impossible-to-hide-emotions face
I’m going to cry
I can already feel the pain
Of her rejection of my joy because it’s not for a man
Yes, big block.

And I’m not even capable of doing the other option

People say it’s brave that I up and left LA
That I up and left advertising
That I’m putting out my own music

But to me it doesn’t feel brave,
It feels inevitable and scary and exciting
But mostly inevitable

Because once I know what is, what must be done, I do it and I see it through to existence

My best life is with a wife
My best life is one where I don’t need my mothers approval
I’m here on this earth to live my best life
So these two bests will come to fruition

I hope one after the other in no particular order and of no consequence to the other

Could it be so cruel (it being my life path)
That in order to find joy with a partner I must first rid myself fully of the codependency, the agreements to heal, the child/parent role I play to to my mom? How big would I have to be? That her approval doesn’t swing like a pendulum in the back of my brain? How evolved, advanced, ready for my dreams to come true! How full of my own goodness. How completely set free of the burden of “you were once inside of me, so now you must let me be inside your life to dictate what is good and what it bad and what is safe and what is dangerous”? How wonderfully ready for my next steps? How prepared for a big life?

So maybe it’s not so cruel, maybe it’s a gift to realize this. I’ll decide that it is.
But how?

How do I rid myself of my desire for her approval? I didn’t used to have it, when I lived far away. Or sure I guess it lingered but was buried deep. And now being so near her, experiencing the shining joy of her beaming approving smile sometimes, I want it and that bit of me that would deny my truth to avoid the pain of her visceral rejection has grown.

Oh yes, a new codependency ready to be uprooted shows its face
Quietly peeking from behind the curtains
November here I come