aka... to those who crave limelight


There seems to be this growing
social stigma
for individuals to need to
acquire the attention of others
and hit a homerun.

This very desire can lead one to ruin.

You see,
if you want to stand out so much
it will only be a matter of time before you do, one way or another.  
And to stand out is to separate one's self, and eventually enough separation
leads to...

...isolation...

...and then you're alone,
amongst your own,
and you will have put yourself there!

The trick to winning within the tribe,
is to become one of the tribe,
and be one with the tribe.

That's all

Easy.  ;^)

Of all the people I've come across, I find myself to be the least deserving of any.  I can put put my heart on a sleeve to lure you in and then sntach your own heart right out from under you.  I have no idea why I do this but it is time for it to stop.

I just met this gal a month and a half back.  She is so ******' cool, it was hard not to share every moment that she turned to look into my eyes.  I just don't think I am ready.  She could do it, though.  Definitely a possibility.

She is thin and masculine looking at the same time.  She just might have the most perfect looking face I have ever seen.  Symmetrical to a T, perfect.  She has a girl next door look without the innocence.  Just enough sculpting to her jaw and chin, her points are obvious and rounded just enough so as not to be pointy.  Her cheek bones are not highly pronounced, she's not too cute looking.  There is a balance of wisdom and playfulness in her eyes.  She has class, high class, in my opinion.

She did a little stretch at the end of the night, I paid no attention.  God how I wanted to look, I knew better, now is not the time to look.  Now is the time to appear interesting and interested on a platonic level.  The class, the friends, all of it.  She came to sit with me, I was in heaven for a few hours tonight.  I could easily allow myself to want someone again.  How powerful is that?

I could be on the road to recovery.

They live here, it is not just their home and backyard.  It is their playpen as well as their church.  It is provider and sustainer, their Mother.  They own it and it owns them.  You and I may visit, we may stay as long as we like, partake in the beauty, become inspired by its vastness and variety, and then move on.  They live here, always.  Even when they can't be here they take the forest into their dwelling to keep the spirit alive within.  Yes they live here full time, the forests are always on their mind, always calling to them, reminding them.  You and I check in from time to time, they live here.

It was my last swig
  before I hit the gallows
of a slumber
   not too far mistaken
as an escape from the
   void and emptyness
of a lover's life's dreams.

All be it!

... is not misgivin',
     but mistrusted
in a lame being's spirit mind.

Shadows dance
in the candles shimmer
warming the room
with cinnamon grounds

Soft rhythms
playing to a background
of lovers moans
and slapping pounds

Solid drinks
peppering our tounges
and burn in chest
going down

Sheets of white
feel even softer
by the touch of skin,
light brown

She looks into me,
licks her lips
with curls of auburn
dangling down.

Saying goodbye
to such sweet times
quelled only by
a new love
in a new town.

Big souls come in little packages.  
If she's 50 kg then I'm the pope.
An elfin looking Buddhist,
mother, entrepreneur, musician,
and a total goddess of class.

Our eyes met, essences shared,
hearts touched.  
She"s ready, I'm not.
******!

I give a gift to you,
my undivided attention.
As numbers are called, plates jiggle,
waitresses frantic about the lateness of our order...

just blurred peripherals, right now and for the infamentesinal moments that follow there is you, me, and nothing else

I can't take my eyes off of you for a second!

A point in which I look back on my life and what I can't help but notice most is that I was not present for what would become some of my best life experiences.

Now...

I'm not about
to confess
to know of this test,
any more
and maybe less
than the usual mess.

Expert
wanna be
burn my eyes
gonna see
can I make
sense of this
dominant stress

It seems a woman
plays soft
thus a man
plays hard
but what she craves in the end
she never gets

Because the
dynamic changes
our role
rearranges
instincts to sustain us
make our minds regress

And she's a mess,
(pause)
that's all, just a mess...

Control freak
she'll bequeath
he can't do
between the sheets
what once
in his mind
was
sacred and bless

She grows hard
he goes soft
happy scarred
awareness lost
he becomes what she hates
a yes-man, yes

With her eye on the prize
while he loses focus
she
in her right
lays the magick to rest

'till
all that's here
left to see
how long it takes
'till she leaves he
and follows her own sunset
in the untamed West

And he's a mess,
(pause)
that's all, just a mess...

The things she'll do
just to spite
what he wants to
and did recite
but not with him,
Oh Hell No,
not with Her chest

Fnds a way
so he knows
no doubt
that she owns
and faults him when he learns
of her ****** best

He can't sleep
becomes a sheep
MOJO lost
on the heat
of that which might have been
had he
had more zest

She might have stayed
had he played
along with her witchy way
and also
respected
her emotional tests?

And that's the mess,
(pause)
that's all, just a mess...

"...few things are as capable of restoring the human soul as that of music..."

Dr. Silace Lamb, Stonehearst Asylum

The ***** water shoild have served as a clue, otherwise we could have been making an iced tea commercial, the sky so clear, her boosum so full, and she was happy, genuinely happy to be with me.  We wondered why the hotel worker wasn't cleaning the pool, as he drove off in quite the hurry.  

Then, out of the corner of my eye I caught the orange, black and white contrasting stripes of a bengal tiger.  Just like that there are Six of them, sauntering down from the jungle to take a dip.  We just sat there watching them on the other side of the pool.  They didn't chase the hotel worker as he drove off in his jeep, hopefully to get help.  I figured, "Well, they aren't hungry."  

Each one took a turn getting in and out of the water, and then they approached, one from each side of the pool, two in the water, two stayed back at the other end of the pool.  They were sooooo big and strong looking.  I got into the water, she stayed in her lounge chair, petrified, frozen. The first tiger to reach us stopped by the wall just like a swimmer might, and waited for me to surface.  As soon as I did he looked into me and said, "you both look mighty tasty, too bad she divorced your ***!"  And then I woke up, actually wishing I could go back to that dream just to be 'with' her again.  

As I write this I notice two small punctures at the base of my *******, just like those a succubi might leave behind.  Reminds me of the time we were playing and I said, "If you make me bleed I'm outta here!"  She laughed at me and continued putting parts of my flesh between her teeth.  It's not fleas, it's been ice cold outside and the dog isn't scratching.  I convince myself it was a spider, shake out my bed and crawl back in.  You see, at this point, I know I will fair better with a spider and those tigers than I will my own reality.

"I'm going to that show..." she says, "we're going to be great friends, I bet you'll be part of my inner circle one day..."

So, of course, I go.

She sees me and completely blows me off.

I know I deserve this,
and
So does she

What am I
if not a longing soul

Knowing where there's
life, fire, worship, lust
and I may not have any of
It

You see,
I am in
what all too few know
but many should learn,
that which is called
a brain reboot

It means
the grestest joy of the world
simply can't be had
by me for a spell

"It's Ok,"
I tell mysrlf.
"Your time shall come"
and then I realize
It
already did

The lonesome Ness
ends best
when friends are laughing
by a tale

Told once to myself
in my head,
perfected
when renounced
and spread

Ignoring
the boring
for moments on end,
I visit as servant
instead

Dopamine,  oxytocin,  serratonin, endorphins, and the knowing that you've won

these ingredients of a love cocktail
stronger than any other peace known on earth,
our brain's evolutionary power to keep us procreatin'
Oh so sweet!

until amy g dala
Shows up and ruins everything.

I thought i understood this so very well,
empathy.... the thought of putting oneself in another's position, and acting upon it

Helping others for the sake of others, not for attention or reward, but out of empathy

What little did I truly know of empathy!

Every once in a while,
just every Once in a long long while,
I get a little taste...
...of happiness.

It could be talking with a new friend,
exercising again,
or finding myself in worship.

And even though
I know
I need to celebrate these...
...little victories

right now,
at this time in my life,
they really just serve to remind me
how happy I used to be

and
I am filled with a sadness
and longing
I have been fighting
for a while.

I can count days by the number of my dreams.

How many hurts
does it take
to see a soul

She totally had me,
                                    she was IT !

I just didn't know
                                    she was to be,

my ONLY
                                    dopamine fix

Night wilds
mouths drink
He smiles
she winks

Chest stacked
eyes fixed
Looks back
he's  hexed

Knobs turn
doors swing
Passions yearn
minds sing

Doors close
mouths clutch
Clothes loosen
fingers touch

Candle sways
eyes adjust
Music plays
concious lust

Bed begs
bodies prone
Hips wedged
voices moan

Carnal urges
friction increases
****** bursts
prolonged species

Souls delighted
bodies tired
Sleep enlightened
dreams inspired

Sun rises
light shines
Morning suprises
eyes whine

Questions plenty
nothing said
Movements quickly
aching heads

"Want coffee?"
"Ah no"
"What about?"
"Gotta go!"

You may already know
She is where...

The sky is most beautiful
Air is crisp and cleanest
Images at their most colorful
Vision most clear

Smells are at their richest
Foods most tastey
Water is most pure
Ice at its freshest

Sounds are most in tune
Music most syncronized
Art of body and nature most devine
Paint and brush land truest
In less time

Stars most numerous
Sun warmest
Moon fullest
Spirit shines brightest
Deities most heard

Only her words for you
are untrue

And that's where you are

Even when knowing yourself
that you were in the wrong
the initiator of burden
was you all along

Guilt so relenting
words can't describe
what it is you're lamenting
what you did
embibe

A durrator of pain
placing love under siege
an addiction of betrayal
even on anniversary
this day,
New Years Eve

An easy escape
from this world may suffice
a permanent cape
thrown over your life

At no time before
have I felt more certain
to pull one last time
my final life's curtain

If I look at results
I know I the Loser
in these games of love
I played the snoozer

Took it for granted
played with life strings
thought I was clever
now my ache sings

Could ration the reason
make it quick, do emplor
no matter the season
limit the gore

And yet I live
because I've been here before
by the choices I've made
and I'll choose some more

This time personal problems
needing endless satiation
will learn and thus do
delayed gratification

Not just at love
but in all that is layered
family, friends, work, dog
successes made
by a life prepared

There will always be scars
life is fight from begining
to expect anything less...
     ...that's a life not worth living

Sometimes,
like right now,
I feel as if the only true value I posses
is my soul.
And,
to be completely truthful here,
I know I don't have the first clue
what that is.

So...

I'm gonna hang onto it
for as long as I can.
Even if it serves as no earthly purpose
But
to ******* those dam fairies.

I need to get layered!

'Twas the way she said,
...be sure to call me, don't forget...
then turned off her phone,
3 days net

I cast her a line
will she bite or let free?
readily lost from mind
the bait was me!

Oh mused from her loving
her plaything, her joy.
I spat out love poemz
Less haste did annoy

Lifted kindred spirit,
no more wobe-gone for me
was but a lie from a Strom
too blinded to sea

"You and I are going to have
a great love affair."
Should have been warning
Foundeld on note in sunlight morning

I asked the project wood
It for-told me, "Why Bother?"
Alone in my room, to ration or despair
Ignore nature's warning,
'tis up to me, I declare.

Sealed my fate...
I'm strong, been here before,
I'm ready for this...this...this time winning!
FOOL
Her's unslaved, mine unscathed
night,
was just the begining!

Oh the joys,
Such sweetness up to the edge,
but not quite *****
As promised her lore
THE everything abash
Irie romming back,
gonna get IT,
this time?
Maybe mohr

The musing doest stop,
genuine dost frey,
Lovings subside
Betrayl dost pay

"It will melt your mind"
Were the last words I herd
all in due time
her torture, my absurd

Communicate?  
Communicate she says?
Why were not those words
so heards
Whence whining and pining decays?

Hypocrispy so blatant
it must be ignored,
and the melt of the mind
gets restored

For it was up to me
All along on this journey
The most painful part
Is I always did see

This dance with the devil
The game of fairie,
My loves lorn lost
To the leanhaun shee

I'm glad you mentioned that,
allow me to elaborate with some ****...

The
Hand cleaner that painters use
depending upon what kind you choose,

Can be
more detrimental to one's hair
than the paint that's already there

So remember
with this ******
Next time you'read painting with delight

Clean your head with hand cleaner
and lose your hair?
You just might!