The sense of no solid ground beneath you
No compass to tell you where to go
All questions lead
To no answers
Blank stares
Into dead eyes
Lack-luster hair
Framing a giant face
Unable to catch your breath
Every once of modivation
Passion
Energy
Laying like lead in your veins
Sinking lower and lower
Clinging to you bones
Clawing as it sinks
Into your feet
Cementing you to the spot
But there is no ground to attach to
Only the black abyss
Swallowing you whole
As the chill sets in
You feel a far off heat
Radiating comfort
As if you were
Sitting beside a roaring fire
After staying in the cold too long
The sensation of another
Through all of the pain
Caused by chaos

I always put everyone else first
Sacrificing my own wants and desires
But for one night
I was selfish
I got what I have wanted for months
Though it’s something many believe I hate
I have desired it for months now
Only with one
Not with anyone else
No matter what others want me to do
To them
With them
None of them
Have stirred this thing within me
Just that one
Now that I have had a taste of what I wanted
I don’t know if I can stay
Here where my desires and whims
Are contained to just one
But not that one
Another of a different feather
Who wishes to cage me
Within their sweet words and pretty promises
Yet I still wish I could be as free
As I was that night
When I was as selfish as I dared
Doing as I pleased
As he pleased
We both were pleased
Whether it was due to the alcohol
Or poor choices
I don’t regret it
Like I do all of those other encounters
These bruises don’t make me shy away
I don’t try to hide them
The whole world can see them for all I care
I put myself first for once
And it didn’t leave me covered in scars

I don’t know what to tell you
My mind is spinning so fast
I pull at my hair to make it stop
But that no longer works
The pain isn’t enough anymore
Reluctantly I reach for my wrist
Digging my nails in
Hoping that the pain will be enough
The pleasure it brings me doesn’t help
As all of this occurs
You ask me what's wrong
Reaching out desperately to help me
But I coil back
Trying to reach another
Who no matter how mean is always there
To forbid what I’m too scared
To promise away
My grip changes to not leave marks
Now pinning my veins and bones together
Under a steel vice
Practice has made my hand
I want to talk to you
Tell you what is occurring
But my heart beats against my ribs
Like a caged rabbit
My veins push at the thin skin above them
Begging to be released from their prisons
I wish I could grant their wish...