My sweet baby. I prayed for you.
From the moment I could write I always wanted a girl.

The letters I would write started with;

Dear Gabby,

It’s Oct 15 and im peeing on a stick. It’s really as a joke but the longer the clock ticks to the end of the three minutes the thicker the second line gets.

Dear Gabby,

My beautiful baby girl. I found out your gender today. It’s what I’ve always prayed for. A mini me. I know it’s early but I’ve already picked out your middle name. Grace.

Dear Gabbi,

I’ve decided to spell your name gabbi. It means God is my strength in Hebrew. I’ve had so much morning sickness lately and all I want is hot Cheetos and sprite! I can’t wait to meet you baby.

Dear Gabbi,

I’ve always wanted you for so long but baby how can I protect you from him if I can’t even protect myself.

Dear gabbi,

Don’t worry sweetie mommy will figure it out. I’ve been taking pictures because I swear my stomach is already showing. My dad (your grandfather) is going to help us out.

Gabbi,

It’s Dec 21 and I’ve felt my first flutter kicks in the car. It’s almost as if you knew. I am so sorry baby. Mommy just couldn’t bring you into a world where evil was tied to you. I hate myself more than anything.

To my daughter I never knew,

It’s been a year since I found out I was going to be a mom. A year of mourning what could’ve been. Life has been lonely ever since you left and I dream of your face everyday. The evil is gone but he took part of my soul and you along with him. My sweet baby. The one I prayed for.

To my daughter I never knew.

I am

I am 5 yrs old making memories of waves crashing over my head and wondering why does mommy cry so much

why is mommy mean

I am 10 yrs old with my bestfriend in the whole wide world and hoping my dad will be outside to pick me up from school

why is daddy gone

I am 15 yrs old waiting for my crush to ask me to homecoming and realizing I’ll be a better parent than mine were

why couldn’t they make me normal

I am 21 years old dealing with the trauma from a man who hurt me to hurt himself and mourning a daughter I never knew

why will no one love me

I am 23 years old knowing why mommy cry’s and was mean, why daddy never was outside and was gone, why I thought I’d be a better parent and wasn’t normal, why I was mourning a stranger and no one would love me.

I am

i use the knife he got me for everything.
it lays in my bed in place of him when he’s gone.
i twirl it for him through the phone
i pose with it in the pictures he begs me for
i use the knife he got me for everything.

even as he drifts away I use the knife he got me for everything.
i look at as the moonlight hits it like a flash picture in the night.
i use it to practice different knife tricks so he’ll think I’m cool
i use the knife he got me for everything.

i use the knife he got me for everything now that he’s gone.
i hear it calling my name as a command in place of him calling my name with love
it cresses my body with prickly kisses where his lips used to trail.
it spills out crimson in place of the tears he caused when he left
it stays in the hand he used to hold when my body goes numb and cold.

I used the knife he got me for everything.

Me thinking that you actually loved me...

I feel alone
         forgotten
         abused
         unwanted
         unloved
maybe I should have never said anything
if i said i wanted you back would you say yes?
or is it too late
or maybe i just don't wanna be alone
           do you?
have you moved on?
i want the best for you
even though you never wished me the same
why can't what we had stay between us?
why was i so greedy for love?
for someone to love me?
be there for me?
i just wanna forget everything and disappear
because in the end
i will always be alone
                          forgotten
                          abused
                          unwanted
                          unloved

"He never loved me"
Never at all
Though he said those words over and over it didn't mean a thing
She told him over and over please don't leave my little life
Just tell me you love me
because love you is so different from I Love You
"He never loved me"
and when he left she had no energy for any tears
You see the energy she had put in for him was the last thing she had
"He never loved me"
Is what she said as she felt the warmth of her blood spilling on her leg
"He never loved me"
As she slowly drifted in and out till out was the end
The angel of death swoops in and wraps his arms around her
"He never loved me"
She tells death.
"No not at all"
She's now in a place were she waits for him to come
To come to a place where they will live forever
"He never loved me but I loved him"

Feelings are becoming hard to understand
With you I felt everything
When I was around you it was like a breath of fresh air
Now its like i'm slowly suffocating without you
Now that you have left
I don't know what I thought you saw in me when you said forever
Because forever just isn't forever
And I swear I knew that but as long as I was with you I didn't care
You were my life my soul my everything
So what do I do when your gone
Feelings are becoming hard to understand
Now that I dont feel a thing
The numbness I feel takes the place of you
What was I supposed to do?
When you left you took my real forever and left the empty promises of our forever

She felt herself f
a
l
l
i
n
g
deep into the dark
where NO ONE
     could find her
all


alone
with no one to s
       a
v
e
her
What. is hap
pening
to me?
soon alone NOT TO BE FOUnd
she felt a peace
                        r
ise in her

Is. THIS death ?

OR
MAYBE .JUST ANOTHER life

but SOON she was falling again-before she
left
she said one thing
maybe i’ll b
  e
                    ……
and THEn she was gone

Alone, cold, and mislead
is what it feels like to be unwanted.

After a while the feelings are accepted,well actually any feeling.

Maybe this was planned maybe if I keep going I will see a light.

Through this darkness I will come.
Feelings of acceptance creep in, slowly, but they still come.

Laughter seems so far away, like it is foreign where I am.

Where is that I ask? Why does it even matter because I know what darkness feels like.

I know what being unwanted feels like.

Because no one can help me now. Now that I know what it feels like and what it means.

Now I know what it means to be

                                              Darkly Unwanted.

Everyone thought she was happy and some were even jealous. They thought she had everything and that her life was great the way she came to school always happy and joking around.


They thought she had it all, the grades, the friends, the humor, the boys.

They thought she had the best family because her mom was so funny and brought her lunch or the funny stories she could tell.

They thought she could do most if not anything because she was athletic and fit into any sport or activity she tried.

She was always called by them ,the girl who had so much energy, or, class joker.

What they didn’t know was she would always brace herself before getting out of the car to make sure she had on a smile or the tears in her eyes were hidden. Or even how before she got to class she had to sit on the bathroom floor and pray she could make through one more day.

What they didn’t know was when she joked about how her grades were slipping that she was terrified of what would be said when she got home.

What they didn’t know was she felt like she had no friends and that when she talked to someone she pleaded that they could see her story through her eyes.

What they didn’t know was the boy she liked never even knew her name and when he did he could never see her as anything other than that girl in some of his classes who always had the jokes.

What they didn’t know was she counted down every day at school till she would have to go home and hear the disappointment from her mom. How she counted down the hours, no, the minutes until she could get away from feeling unloved and not wanted.
How she prayed every night for someone to take her away from this place. How around family she was just that girl with the father who was never going to stay.

What they didn’t know was the only reason she was athletic was because she loved to feel everything that weighed her down get lifted off because she pushed herself to the breaking point to just forget about everything else.

What they didn’t know was the names they said all she wished was for her to have one person to call her friend.

But what they did know was that she was Miss Great who had most if not everything going for her.

Some people might say it’s that’s all that matters. What other people know. That they don’t need to know all of your business.

But what if that is what could have saved her. What other people did know.

But soon she’ll just start her day all back over and the process will repeat.

Maybe if you see that one person and look into their eyes you’ll see what they’re trying to tell you. What you can know.

Maybe, just maybe, you’ll see her.

Hope and Love

I felt myself dying slowly because of love and hope. I gave you everything, but yet I get nothing except one thing. That one thing you gave me was hope. Everyone says hope is the best thing that can happen, but for me it was the worst. It was the hope you gave me that ended me like this. Love and Hope go together just like us. You can't have one without the other. It is the hope that cut me but the love that killed me. It was the hope you gave me that I took gladly and the love I gave but wasn't enough. So in a way it is my fault for having a crush on you, but in reality I loved you. But saying that to myself was going to **** me faster than i could bear. so before she dies she wants to say that she loved in her own way. the way that hope and love were her undoing, but she would do it again for the hope and love you gave and she took slowly until she said these words i love… and then she was gone.

I wish I had said sorry
and known how to act
because if I would've done
that we might be different.

I wish she had gone
and taken me with her
but when I think of him I see the pictures

I wish I hadn't been so jealous
maybe if I wasn't no one
would notice me

I wish I knew what those looks
meant instead of just guessing

She wishes she knew
what those feelings meant but would
that have stopped her from taking those pills?

She seems happy but when she
gets home her wishes go away
in her mind to haunt

As she drifted off to sleep
those wishes came back into reality

The apology she said no to changed
to yes

The pictures became life as she left her body

She drifted along looking for
one person before she left

When she found him
she saw his wishes

"I wish she knew how much I care."

These words in his mind drove
her back to find

The body she discarded
and left behind

As she returned she forgot his wishes,
but in her mind she waited patiently
for him to say his wishes

I wish I knew what happened
but I myself am lost

waiting and waiting for my own to wish