I've never been so certain and confused all at the same time, and I can't tell you the last time I was even able to write. you blocked that part off from myself somehow. you made me mute. you made me beige. you made me a mom in khakis wearing a ***** pack who went to sleep at 8 pm to be safe; you made me safe in the worst way. you made me feel little. you made me feel less. and somehow in a way that i didn't even realize what was happening, i just wanted to make it work. i just wanted to be a flower that grew into a jungle but i was just a cactus in the living room you kept around because you only had to water me once in a while and if you forgot it was okay, I'd survive. I'd still be there. I'd still be beige and mute and anything you wanted me to be sitting happily. ****.

what a feeling; when everything adds up.
when the fog clears and you see where you stand.
when the lights come on at the club and you see everyones face.
when you open your mcdonalds bag to find the wrong order.
when you get that test back and you got a C
when you order sprite and it ends up being water
when i jump in the ocean and its still a couple weeks early
when you realize youre not enough for someone, but you could be everything to someone new

You've lost your spark. the twinkle in your eye was just a reflection of your phone lighting up as you texted someone irrelevant and the orchestra of sweet melodies that filled my heart was just a spotify playlist i made and put on at the right time. and i thought the warmth of your touch was all i needed to feel alive when i was too **** cold outside and maybe anything couldve been enough.

except for me; i was never enough for you was i?

my thoughts shout so loud i can't even understand what exactly they're all screaming, clutter clutter clutter

and i wonder what it'll feel like tonight as i sleep alone, knowing i too am alone for the first time in what feels so long- that your foot wont be there to touch mine and i can't hold on to you when i'm having a bad dream. i wonder if my thoughts will still yell so loudly or if there too I'll find silence.

i cannot fathom life without you but i surely will have to start

sweet oxygen fills me lungs
as i inhale a new start, a fresh
perspective of all that ive known
as i exhale your spite and
how i've always been second
best in your eyes.

darling i am much more than second best, and i cannot wait to love myself again.

he said i see it wrong,
i guess i'm upside down
but i was looking up
and he was on the ground

Dramatic ecstatic and all in between
You don't get your cake and you start to scream
Tomorrow you hate me today I am gold
But you are the one who claims this is old