I'm trying to find solace in anything.
Anything.
But I realize I'm angrier than before.
I stand in the shower for 30 minutes and just seethe in anger.
Anger at God.
Anger at my mom.
Anger at my dad.
Anger at my sister.
Anger at the guy who hit my brother.
Anger at my boyfriend.
Anger at me.
Anger at my brother.
Sometimes I wish I could just scream in there,
But I know my parents would probably freak out.
Maybe even bust the door open and see me in all my glory.
That'd be embarrassing.
I feel like I hate everyone.
But I also can't be mean to anyone.
I feel bad when I get mad at my boyfriend.
But **** sometimes he makes me wanna beat the **** out of him.
And then sometimes I just wanna pounce on him.
All these emotions got me ****** up.
I'm over here reminiscing old memories of my brother hoping for some sort of solace.
But I end up in tears just wishing the good Lord would just take me.
And I know its selfish but in this kind of moment, you only think of the pain now.
I can't see my future anymore.
The man I love doubt's me all the time and he has good reason to.
I don't know where I'm heading.
And it breaks my heart that he does.
But oh well.
I couldn't even convince my own brother to stay in the end either.
So much for solace.

I wish life was as easy as
1, 2, 3...
Do
     Re
           Mi...
But life isnt easy. Its like solving a tough algebriac expression. You stress out about it, but you find that answer after hard work.
Then why is it hard to comprehend that a relationship comes with stress?
Why does everyone think it has to be like Cinderella and her prince?
Its not.
Relationship means work.
And work leads to success.
Sound easy enough?

Don't you ever just get so irritated with everything and everyone?
Everyone's so caught up in the most worthless dumbest **** it annoys the hell out of me.
There are people out there going through real problems and they're over there mad because they haven't ****** a ***** in a while.
Or they haven't had they're hit yet.
Or theyre ***** as hell and can't seem to find someone to **** with.
Or theyre "failing" a class with a 95.
Its all this **** that ****** me off.
Stop being so selfish for once and look past the meaningless parts of being human.
They won't mean anything once you're dead.

Supposedly making wishes on a shooting star are supposed to work.
I've never believed in that kind of stuff but right now I'll try anything.
Wishing someone would understand.
Wishing I wasn't so alone.
Wishing someone would consider my feelings.
Wishing someone would take my side.
Wishing my brother wasn't dead.
Wishing I could numb my emotions.
Wishing I was alone.
Wishing I wasn't.
Wishing for November 16, 2014 to stop existing.
Wishing for sanity.
Wishing I didn't have this particular life.
Wishing this shooting star would work.
But sadly the only person that considered mine and my sisters feelings was a man we've only met once.

I don't get it.
My brother is dead, but why?
It doesn't feel like he is.
But I know he is.
I walk into his room and everything is in place.
Its like he never left.
Like he's coming back still.
No one gets it.
"Be strong for your mom and dad."
"They're going through a tough time, take care of them."
He was my ******* brother too.
I knew him better than they did.
No one asks if I'm okay.
And those who have obviously believe a lie.
How can I be okay?
He was my rock when my dad punished me as a kid.
He comforted me when my mom wasn't there.
He was my big brother too.
And I'm dying inside.
I think I'm losing it.
I keep hearing his laugh when I walk past his room.
God please bring him back.

There used to be a poem here written to the one I used to love.
Turns out he really was the ******* I met years ago; just in a really good disguise.
Have a great life.

From it's caged heart the bird will sing

Reality makes it fall back into silence

Even though it has everything

Even everything is not what it thought    it would be

~

Making the most of its life it will always sing

Even though it's heart will forever be anything but free

My head is spinning so fast my brain is in a jumble.
I'm confusing my feelings for everyone and its making my heart crumble.
One day I love you, the next its turned to hate.
I mean, how many hits do you think a heart can take?
Life's so confusing I just don't know what to feel.
But please don't ever doubt that my love for you is real.
I'm just in a bad place, please understand.
I'm trying to return to myself as much as I can.
Just don't give up on me.
Cuz baby you complete me.
Because we both know that in the end, its just you and me.

The love I have for you
Is the strongest you could ever have.
You see,
I waited what seemed like an eternity
For you to come around to love me.
Even when you played my heart,
Just like you play the piano,
I still was there for you.
Call me stupid if you'd like.
But to this day,
I don't feel like the love you have for me
Is equal to the love I have for you.
You see mine is stronger,
Deeper,
True,
And the most fair.
But all you've taught me is
Love is unfair.
And I'll never have someone love me the way I love you.
Tell me if that's fair.

The revival of my heart was not merely due to the kindness and love of another;
The revival of my heart came when I finally discovered how to love myself and rip away the things, people, who were tearing away at my soul.
Your revival should feel this way.
Like you're so high and no one can bring you down.
Like you can follow your dreams and not feel like you're being pulled back.
Like you can breathe in the fresh air around you and finally see the beauty in the life around you.
Like you can finally trust yourself and love again.
My revival feels like that.
Finally, I'm free and it's no thanks to anyone but myself.
Finally, I am falling in love with someone who deserves it.
Finally, I love myself and am following my dreams.
Finally, I feel alive.

The absence of you,
Is so noticeable in the house,
You could say it's the elephant in the room.
The joy you brought with your laughter echoes soundlessly in our ears as only the ghost of it is left to hear.
The awkwardness that was so tangible in you still leaves me feeling awkward at times.
I still imagine you out there in Oklahoma as you were two years ago.
Should you have stayed there?
Would you still be here if you hadn't come back?
So many questions no one will ever have the answers for.
I miss you're breathtaking hugs that could probably crack someone's ribs if they weren't prepared for it.
I miss the scent of your cologne as you prepared for dates with women that never deserved you unwavering attention.
They can all go to hell.
I miss watching cartoons with you and YouTube videos and just laughing together.
I miss playing Borderlands with you.
I can't play it anymore because I have no idea what's going on and I never did; I always followed your lead.
You were my hero in many ways.
You were there for me when mom and dad yelled at me for not eating my food.
You'd come to my rescue and bring me zebra cakes.
You were there after the many heartbreaks I suffered.
Why aren't you here for the biggest of them all?
I miss you so much.
You were the best brother I could have asked for.
Now it's just me and Stacey.
You're little sisters still needed you.
Why did you have to go?

To every story, there's an ending.
To every fairy tale, there's a happily ever after.
To our story, there's just pain
Anger
Tears
Betrayal
That was us.
Me and my one true love.
Our story could move hearts.
But it's ending only shattered mine.
"Goodbye my lover.
You have been the one for me."

People **** up.
They're only human.
People will hurt you and they wont even know theyre doing it.
Some people have become stuck in a world
Where they've been hurt so much they believe they can never be happy.
I'm one of those people.
When I have a good thing, somehow I end up ******* it up and I never mean to.
I've hurt people that don't deserve it.
I've hurt people that I would die for.
But...God... I dont mean to...
If only people could understand us and the hell we face everyday in our heads.
I hate mysef for everything I do wrong.
It's best you just stay away from us.
We're only gonna hurt you.

Ever just cry until your head feels its gonna explode in pieces like glass?
Ever just want to cry until you feel like that?
The feeling *****.
Your throat gets all constricted
Your eyes burn
But then you remember you can't
Of course physically you can
But you know you can't at the same time
You have an image to keep up
No one can see you cry
You have to be the strong one
The one who holds the rest of the family together
And that eats away at your mind
You get red angry at anyone
Or irritated just by the way someone's breathing
Or sad because a puppy didn't get an extra treat
Or happy at the wrong time
I feel crazy half the time now
I feel like the person I care about the most is gonna realize that too and leave me alone in the
**DARK

I've never really believed in ghosts
But I feel like I should now.
I'd do anything to see him again.

I'm

in his room thinking.
I want to feel a cool breeze on my face like in ghost busters.
It's

Not

Like I want a demon to cross my path either.
It just ***** to miss someone who was so close to you.
Everything reminds me of him.
From the weird conversations I have,
To simply seeing a certain Pokemon badge.
But always the same question is asked, "Are you

Okay?"

Did you even hear me when I was crying in your room on my birthday begging God for answers as to why he took you?
I was alone hoping to see the door to your room mysteriously open.
People say "God will heal your wounds." "Keep praying."
I mean, can you shut up?
I know he can.
But he hasn't.

But believe me when I say, "I'm Okay."

There's probably a list of the worst things you could hear.
I don't love you anymore.
Im sorry, he/she didn't make it.
We need to break up.
You're fired.
It goes on and on.
Wednesday I heard something thats probably on that list.
"You have a tumor."
And somehow, I managed to laugh when I heard that.
I'm an experiment gone wrong.
Defective.

Here I am again sitting in bed wide eyed at 12:44 am.
Thinking, thinking
How did I let this go so far?
How could I have let someone have so much power over me to the point where I look back...
and don't even recognize myself.
Who was that girl who wrote those posts from years ago?
So blinded by love so poisonous it haunts her to this day.
Love so toxic it still irritates the skin.
But I'd like to thank you for getting me here where I am today.
I can see what was wrong with my life now that I'm no longer blinded by your tricks.
But most of all thank you for ruining the romantic part of me.
The part that let people in so easily.
I still feel remnants of your poison in my blood and it's enough to bring me to my knees in fear.
Fear of falling in love.
But, you have taught me that love is also weakness so in a way, thank you.
Four years
I made a fool of myself.
Four years
I chased after your love.
Four years
I never got it.
Four years later
Turns out I don't need it.
So Thank you
For setting me
Free.

Have you ever stared into empty space?
Its actually not as boring as people say.
Its 10:35 and that's exactly what im doing.
Why?
Because that's how im feeling.
Empty.
And staring just lets my mind wander to memories.
Maybe it'll help me feel something again.
I was feeling sadness
But that went away about five minutes ago.
"I wonder why?"
Yeah me too.

I find myself repeating the words

"I know."

A lot.

What is it about you that got me like this?
Was it your smile?
Was it your laugh?
Was it your eyes?
Was it your lips?
I don't know how
But somewhere along the way...
i
        f
                e
                        l
                                 *l

Mind wanders into
That place I know
It shouldn't. My
                                                                      Head
Spins with the
Multiple possibilities
That could happen.
                                                         ­                  Is
Everything going to
Be okay? Should I be
Worried? No, but
                                                                  Under-
Neath the façade I've
Created for myself
There's no calm
                                                            ­      Water

Have you ever felt your heart break?
It doesn't just tear down the middle, no, that'd be merciful.
When your heart really breaks, it doesn't tear, it disappears.
There's that empty space there.
You don't feel anything anymore.
You cry, but eventually that stops.
All you feel is pain.
Loneliness.
Sorrow.
Heartbreak.
Nothing.
You've lost the person you've ever really loved.
What do you do now?
I don't know.
You remember
The good memories
The bad memories
Everything.
It swallows you up and eats what little is left of your heart.
There is nothing left.
They're gone.
You're empty.
Nothing

The worst feeling you can feel isnt
s
  a
     d
        n
           e
              s
                 s...
Its
E M P T I N E S S