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 Mar 2020 Vandy Madireddy
Olivia
Ever since I was young,
I couldn't feel anything
When I try to be happy it just doesn't work

When I try to cry,
The only thing that ever came out was an exhausted sigh

As I grew older I learned
How to act, how to act as if everything is okay

I try to act as energetic so that my parents won't worry,
It was working!

My parents treated me as if I was finally normal
And I was "happy"




And I would like to keep it like that
I had run out of it i'm out of it
mind you my mind that ran away
first by feet then by train
paxil was her name a rotundish
hard skinned pink pill of a ****
so sleeping a tossing flipping
dreaming dream i witnessed a mess
messing up a dream:

this slot of sliced land jutting
with clapboard housing a shouting
with roaches a toasting the best
of a meal they boasted
the strangest of stranglets in
a land of strangler piglets;

two step eddie backed up to a window
owned by a rider, says he with
back to a drive-thru widow, 'take
this shotgun, won't need it, take
this broad sword too, and take this
forty-four again won't need it,
i'll keep this grenade cause it
needs me more -- see that man there
, snagged my lawn cutting his own
, watch me walk over there.

Two-step walks over there and pulls
the pin and once again they do like
they do the owner of that window
was a copy-cop over 44 and says
to eddie, 'don't pull that pin you
sons of guns, sons of burning suns!"
Pin pulled, trigger pressed two slugs
in the valley of the deepest cracks
of two buns and all is done.

And the female dog under the oak
toking-tree says to her male friend,
'your banging will wake up the
recently dead if you don't stop
banging and start more slapping instead;
no-step eddie tells the devil he
needs to brush his tooth but forgot
his teeth brush under the bush.

Never cold turkey Paroxetine
and slip to sleep on a Monday.

:: 06-26-2018 ::
strange dream, caught in the cold.  cold turkey paxil is not a funny matter.  Ugh.  It was the most unbearable!
A Loner


Some people just have to be alone,
Not all of us get to find love.
Not all of us can be happy,
Most of us will spend our lives miserable.


But I shall save you from my misery,
I won’t let you end up like me.
For I only bring peace, love and empathy;
Disguised as my love (inside is a disease).


A ball of confusion,
A web woven by the fallen;
The women of past, present and future;
All gang up to tell me I’m a loser.


So **** me please,
I beg for death.
I can’t have love,
So I would rather be dead.
Than live one more second
On this putrid Earth.


It disgusts me,
It sickens me,
I despise having to live in this world.


(C)2013 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.
I am strength.
My whole life I have been looking for stability and support.
Completely blind to the power that I hold.
I told myself that I needed my father.
because not having one means i'm a '*******'
A word that was meant to describe children like me.
But children like me had no choice,
we're subjected to a word because of our parents decisions.
Instead of being subjected to a word that describes ourselves.
I've made it far knowing he didn't want me,
I did this on my own.
So I will not be subjected to the word '*******'
Instead I prefer 'Strength'
we're more than our parents decisions and mistakes. we define ourselves, so choose your own word and wear it proudly.
It's not difficult to think of stopping
when the green light is on.

******* up on an everyday basis,
when everything should be easy,
only to end up with another crisis.

Spitting out the blame on everything
instead of swallowing it down,
just to avoid the bittersweet of it all.

A bubble harder than concrete,
Tears saltier than the Dead Sea,
the waves of frustration when
expectations and reality don't meet.

Lone wolf hunting down dead leaves,
Slumped on the forest ground.
Abandoning the will to retrieve,
Giving up on the wolf that believed.

**** the perfect cups of tea.
All that's left is bitter coffee,
Not my taste but life's not sweet.
I should get used to lifting weights
and doing tons of things I hate.

Not doing well and all but I'm
trying to survive because it's
me.
***** everything. Imma chill for a sec.
I read a post today that said
'you can't heal in the same environment where you were hurt'
and now im terrified

that I wont be able to move on
and that I wont be able to ever be happy
and I am terrified

because im back home
and I am immersed in everything that is you
and I am terrified

that I am going to be stuck in the loop of continuously loving and hating you
 Sep 2018 Vandy Madireddy
ok okay
Tip toe past my bed
Don’t wake the demons in my head
They only wish me a painful death
Don’t worry
I’ll pretend that they don't exist

They tell me to end it but I refuse to listen
These demons don’t leave until you're submissive

Been tying slip knots in my imagination
Creating a fantasy from my own frustration

Come a bit closer and I'll tell you a secret
These voices speak truths which shouldn't be spoken

I will wait for the day when I can see clearly
Maybe I’ll wait for eternity

— The End —