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i am a flower
with roots that run deep and spread wide across the earth
never moving

i like it here when its warm
with honeybees all around

but when its cold I have to stand tall and brave the ice and wind
waiting for my time to bloom again
but i dont mind because i like it here
despite the cold
i like my unmoving, unchanging roots

i wish the bees did too
and my number may go up year by year
the words that are spoken to me getting longer and more difficult to understand
the expectations rising
but with every passing minute
it feels like i am stuck with the same adolescent brain
never learning never gaining
maybe it’s because she looks older than me
maybe it’s because she has shinier hair and the figure of a model
maybe it’s because she’s from a big city with fancy lights and expensive taste
maybe it’s because she has a softer voice than me...softer lips
maybe it’s because she’s smarter, has more friends, likes more of the same things that you do
maybe you were tired of me for the night
maybe you wanted the thrill of the chase
maybe you wanted to try something new

so many different ways the story could have played out
but i’ll never know
its a house, small but comfortable
its a dog, maybe two, or three
its you, coming home from work and seeing your eyes light up when you see me
its watching movies on weeknights and regretting it in the morning because we stayed up too late
its going to our favourite pub on friday nights and smiling and dancing and yelling 'WHAT' a million times because the music is too loud
its communication and equality and kind words and loving actions

its you
Nobody wants to see the worst in someone they love
He made me nervous
And not the good kind
Not the kind that gives you butterflies in your tummy

It was the kind that makes you look for the closest exit
The closest sharp object
The closest thing that will help you to get away from him

This was the kind of feeling that makes you feel guilty
Absolutely disgusting

The list goes on

This feeling makes you run through every single terrifying scenario in your head
Makes you think about the things this person could do to you if you gave him the opportunity

But the anxiety made me stay
Made me continue to carry out the conversation
Made me say things I didn't want to because I was too scared to tell the truth

This made the guilt grow bigger and bigger
And I felt that guilt for days

But, no matter how many times I replay conversations
Or the entirety of relationships
in my head
In the end
I ran
And I got out

That's all that matters
it feels like im always trying to make things easier and enjoyable for everyone else, even though no one is bending over backwards for me

if im not putting in an effort, wont everything just fall apart?
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