I spend
the greater part
of my sleepless nights
wondering why I persist
in trails
that promise me pain
and give up
at the slightest shove
on the road
to pleasurable experiences

I run from you to escape
the possibility that you might
run from me.
You swear you won't
but you should
So I run anyway

If this phase of life
Was a chapter in a book
You would have heard me say
That we aren't on the same page
But could you leave markings as you flip
So I can find my way to you?

She showed me her pain, hidden
Under the scars she wore so
Perfectly, while she cried afraid
I wouldn't love her for the who she is
That once loved a knife

She showed me her pain, no longer 
Hidden in tantrums and fits 
Feeling scared and ashamed, I 
Told her I loved her even more, I 
Wouldn't be a salt to her wounds, I
Kissed each scar and searched all over
Me for one and I couldn't find so I
Carved her name into my heart
My stronghold, I let her in
And as I cried from the pain, stubbornly 
Fighting the tears, I
Told her and I said
Now I have a scar too and that's the kind
Of love I want to have.

You insist the shadow
That follows me all day isn't you
And I swear that it takes your shape;
Why then do I still see you
When I look in the mirror at night
And in my dreams
You are in everything
Everywhere I look
What have you done to me?

Sometimes I want
To be a Sheep;
Spend all day eating
And sleeping –
And "oh but they die"
Isn't a great retort
If you aren't immortal

Lost in sight; lost insight

Dust in sight; lost my sight

Life's serving aces

But the gods are overturning

Stuck standing in the middle

A trapdoor is the floor

Falling and falling

Got me thinking I was flying

More crows than doves

Picking on my many demons

Lone Angel; The only blight in all of the dark

Within

Overwhelmed

Smiles exist in spectrums

Take for example
The loving smile of my baby girl
as she babbles beautifully
in gibber, ish

The knowing smile of my gran
as she speaks
in nods, ish

The former
because she's not seen anything yet
The Latter
because she's seen everything there is

Just A Typical Night
Going through pictures of you
Still so beautiful
As always you are
But beauty isn't enough glue
To hold two
Together that weren't meant
To be

I remember when it all started
The unlikely couple of the year
Can't forget the day you said yes
And meant it
Under your umbrella
and the rain was unrelenting
Even as I tagged that rain
As a sign
for bringing us together
that night
Maybe the night was weeping
For our future that never would be

I remain thankful
For the good times
You made those happen
And
I'm sorry about the bad times
That was all me

Let me hold you

                        Till I can't breathe again

           Till your soul lets me in

                        One soul for another.

I think so much
About seasons
And night
And day

Like why
It's so hot out here
And cold where you are

And why
It's so dark up here
But the light is all I see below

But mostly why
You are all I feel
Yet you feel nothing

With blood for ink
I write
Until I'm drained
And then
The epilogues follow

This is the story of my life.

How my life has gone
From hating mondays
To not knowing what day is monday
Hating everyday
Because now
They all look the same

On first glance
You took my breath away
I should have seen the signs
Otherwise
How did we go
From the times where
You were my breathing space
To days that feel like
I'm in space

Suffocating

I suffered a terrible disappointment today
and while I was writhing through the pain
I had so much in my head to write about
From love to hurt to more pain then anger
Cos somehow my ability to write
More than four pieces in a day
Is dependent on how much pain
I can at least pretend to feel
Today, however, I'm hurt
And I say, take away the pain
Even if it goes with the inspiration
I give up.

And if you think
that finding true love,
and keeping it,
is the hardest thing you've ever done,

try losing it.

Losing you
was like waking up
in the morning to the sun,
shining no longer,
my day has ended
before it even began

Was Like waking up
to realize rapture happened
The missionaries were right
and hell was real after all.

... YOU ARE
THE SHOOTING STAR,
YOU MAKE IT POSSIBLE
FOR ME TO WISH

YET STILL
THE ONLY WISH
I WANT TO MAKE
IS YOU

The cockroach and I
We startled each other
In the dark
It flew
I did too
Into the spiky edge of the bed
And the price
My knees did pay
So I stumbled, teeth gnashing
'til I found the light switch
And fended off sleep until
The cocky roach
It paid with it's life.

I wonder who made you
The sun of my world
If not why does my world
Revolve around your light
And like the sun
Nothing comes close

I wonder who made you
The center of my gravity
If not why do I
And everyone around you
Get so dizzy
Around your laughter And of cos
The only one unflustered
Is you

Cos everytime you look
Or smile at me
I feel lightweight and high
And from up there
I can clearly see forever

I hope I'm at least a star
In your universe
Or maybe I'm one of your moons
Cos now i see my light
On everyone around me

Love.
Yours.

You
were
to
me
like
ice
turned
water
turned
gas
and
gone
with
the
wind.


Never
deserving
Of
My
Fire.

My mind is ill, But it's not
the voices inside that torment
But the voices outside
They call me all sorts
Of names, they speak
Without thinking how their words
Feed the dreaded voices inside
Of my head, till it's too late
I wish it was different...

When it comes to love
Experience isn't the teacher
People are
And they force feed you
With lessons – I'm tired
Of learning
For once
I just want to love
Without the lessons

Dear HP,

This is not a poem
But a question
The answer to which
I do hope you have

Why does my lover claim to love me
But still looks for every opportunity
To let me go?

Is it that she loves me so much
But doesn't think she's worthy of me

Or she doesn't love me enough
To think I'm worthy of her?

I've always felt that time existed
In minutes of illusion
And in pocketful of moments
Moments we wish didn't turn into memories

I've always thought that I could
Live without anybody and so
Stuck within the space between my heart
And my head I reject everything
That looks like or sounds like the L-word
But here's the thing
I haven't yet still gotten over our time spent
Recycling time into seconds of memories
It wasn't an illusion but our memories
They seem like they are; we were
Two people broken and all over the place
But with each other found perfection
In being broken and the beauty in fallen pieces
We fit,
Yet we split
And even though now time
is back to being an illusion  
I can't seem to tick my way back to you.

It's all happened before,
This life we so much adore.
The stories we tell encore,
Facts or fiction that will tell for sure,
How we live the life afore.

Time,
Everyone says
Is on my side
And will heal my wounds.
But
Time,
No one bothers to say,
Has no face
And no friends
But denial and regret;
The faces I see on each shoulder
Everytime I look
In the mirror

Time haunts softly
it waits.
It does not knock.
It lingers
in the corners you forget to clean,
in mirrors you glance past too quickly.
It will haunt you
with the same patience
you once used to delay your becoming.
In the coffee that cools,
in the inbox left unread,
in the clock that ticks even when you sleep.
And when it comes to collect,
it will not shout.
It will only stand there,
holding every second
you thought you could spare.
Time keeps the ledger.
It counts every look avoided,
every word unsaid,
every door not opened.
It does not chase
it surrounds.
Time is the silence
you mistook for permission.
And when it names you,
it won’t be with voice
but with everything
you almost became.

Yesterday.
This was me
With some caffeine
Addicted
Not good for my health
Worrying about my worries
Creating more worries and
My feelings
Spiralling outta control
Today
My head is going places; it is
Seeing things I shouldn't see
The wheels of time, spinning me around
Yet I'm not irrational
Far from it
Then why am I confused?
There's no better way to be
I look into your eyes
Great, and all I see is nothing
All the things I don't know
Like rest of mind and peace
These are the things I would love to have
Tomorrow.


#NowReadBackwards

I'm a bit tired of dreaming, can I sleep now?

Will the world change for the better?

Or worse,

Would it have been worth anything?

And most importantly, do you know?

Will I wake up in a better place?


Don't panic, I'm just tired of trying so hard.

But I'm still here.

When I was younger I thought
Love is like dying
The kind of feeling
That had me without control
Of what comes next

And so I let myself
fall for you
Fatally
And others after you
Six feet and more

The best kind they say
is when you fall
Together
Same depth
Common in our uncertainty
But is that ever the case?

No one tells you these things
But if experience is to go by
Each time
You resurrect
It's Less of who you were
And more
Of who you think
You should be

Less vulnerable
But wanting more of another
To complete
what's left of you

Love isn't death
I've learnt
Now a zombie
Still falling
But enough to stand again
Until I can stand no more

There a couple of things
I'm torn about
And they hark on my senses
Like, all the time
Even now as I write

I'm allowed to fail
I am
And bad days are normal
They are

These aren't excuses
Not to try to succeed
They are facts
That we constantly have
To contend with

It's the sort of thing I need
Framed,
On my bedroom wall
That to fail is normal
And bad days are allowed

Disorder

I am                          the pain
            I've lived    
                       my life             running
      from,
               pain so blinding,
                                   I wasn't able
        to see it

And when we talked and you said 'I get it'
I never wanted for you to take it

Don't even make me feel
Like I never gave this my all
There was nothing, that I didn't give at all;
Thought this was something.

Life goes on still, but tomorrow's not
Today; could be better or worse

Scarred now
Scared next; Dejected
Alone; Paranoid ; I'm void

Never will the world not see
A love that wasn't ours from the offset
It wasn't fiction
Didn't even last as long as a thought

We are like two stones
That came together
And made a fire
Burning everything
But ourselves.

These walls can't keep me
Is it called the underworld because
We get to be buried down under
Maybe death would feel different
If I was buried in the skies above

Undying
These walls won't hold
Now that I have sand as flesh
Over my bones I could
Still argue that I'm whole
From sand we came, and sand
We always will be, dead or alive

Undying
These walls ain't real
As I embrace my present being
And rise like I never died

Undying

... And just like in my nightmares
whenever I'm about to fall in love
I wake up screaming
flailing and crying to realize
thankfully, that I'm only just dreaming.

Don't try to save me
When you can just fall with me

What is perfection
Imperfection
Like jigsaw pieces in all their puzzling glory
But when all fixed, there's satisfaction in breaking
Them up to try again.

It's you and me and our
Bags of deficiencies and imperfections
But when we come together it's like
A match and it's box
We light up

There's perfection in imperfection
The darkness needs light and light
It's darkness

Perfection is boring; perfection
Is imperfect.

In the day, I live my nightmares
And when I get to sleep, my dreams are where I want to be

I understand.
You are so afraid
To show yourself as emotional
Because to you emotions mean weakness
So you Glory in denials
Who would know to hurt you
If they thought you didn't care?

I know.
You see his reflection
In every other guy
I know, so I've learnt
To appreciate the little signs
That show you care enough

So I look forward to the few times
You say you miss me
And miss them till you
Gather enough courage to say it again
Cos to me any progress is good progress
'til I can fill up the wound he left
Loving you; completing you

I could see the beauty in you if I was blind
And even if I was deaf, your heart
It speaks volumes

I'm hurting; I'm hiding
I'm trying; but I'm hurting still
I promise, this time I do
Everytime I try to laugh
I flinch and smile
Like I can't possibly have it all
Can't let myself get addicted
to the thought of losing
Myself to you
I'm already addicted to
the thought of losing you
And the voices
in my heard don't give up
You don't hear them too
So you wouldn't understand
I want you but
I don't need you
I wish you would Help me
Please; help yourself
Get away from me;
But please stay
How pathetic
You did this to yourself
They say, unrelenting
I did this to myself
Until the day that I find
that I've come to think of you
More than i think of myself
Your laughter will always
Always push me away
And I hurt you, again
Does it matter that I'm hurt too?
Maybe if you looked
Beneath the smiles
You would see how dark
It's gotten; maybe if you
Listened deeper, you would
Hear the quiet before
The storm, the chatter
Of I love yous
My demons take turns saying
Maybe now you understand why
Love
makes no sense to me

How ironic
... That at night, my dreams keep me awake.

Don't pray for me mother
I'm already lost,
What good will that be

Don't cry for me mother
I already lost
What's good that I had left

Don't think of me mother
I've already lost
What life I had left

But dream of me mother

Just as I dream of you

As well watered soil
Is to growing plants
A broken heart
Is the perfect condition
For the best
Of my poetry.

I love that you are mine...

it makes me giggle,

Like a candy loving child

at 2 am

in the middle of the night

uncontrollably too.

Because love is a kind of ******

... Of self; for another.

It's not that I forgot how to write
It's that I forgot all my pain.

Hey
there were somethings I wish were possible
but here, help me be sure they ain't

Can I put my feet in the fire
and expect not to get burnt?
Can I jump off a scraper
and expect not to break bones?

Can I lie across the rail
and expect not to get crushed?
Can I put my heart in your delicate hands
and expect it not to slip?
Can I?