Control
is what I did not have
Vulnerability
took away my agility
as I stood still
whilst you looked ready to ****

You ignored my moans
And broke my bones
I may not have looked broken
but I was inside;
felt as though I had died
yet I found no peace
in this new-found death

As, though, no physical injuries remained
it was there patched in my brain
forever in my mind
when you did something far from kind
when you did what you did
something I can never forgive

I will forever be broken
as you have never spoken
of what sick thoughts went through your mind
when you did what you did
How I wish I could shove all these thoughts and emotions in jar
and close the lid.

What justified this horrendous act?
That's worse than having your head cut in half with an axe.
But you say nothing;
no remorse
for my internal corpse

So I was broken...

I am still broken...

I will be broken...

Always broken!

Unnoticed, non- existent, who?
That is me.
Hidden behind the shadows,
that's all I'll ever be.
Me smiling and laughing is something you'll never see,
or is it something
you dread to see?

You glare at my every move
when what you should be doing is soothe
the feelings that put me on edge.
Isn't that what mothers do?
Not you!

You were never like others,
only ever comforted my brothers;
didn't ever believe in lovers,
prohibited love for others like me,
or was it just you didn't desire the best for me, we'll see.

Me smiling and laughing
is something you'll never see,
when you're wishing the worst for me.
But do you ever put a wish my way?
Do you even think of me any day?
Remember my name?
only a burden on your chest;
missed out on the chance of being protected in your nest.

Forgotten is all I am,
unnoticed, non-existent, who?

If only he'd notice me.
If only he'd look my way.
If only he'd look past my insecurities,
And be mine one day.
His beauty astounds me,
makes me think twice.
And when those gorgeous eyes meet mine,
It only makes me think thrice.
About why I bother,
When he's clearly hotter.
And worth more than the love of a dreaming girl.

You are forever gone,
leaving me to do nothing but mourn
the death of someone held so dear,
made by the world
to seem so mere.
As if you were just another statistic,
By the next day, they'd forget
And be having a picnic.
Whilst my mind struggled to comprehend,
how to deal with the loss
of such a close friend.
How to honour your name,
in a way it would feel you were here,
just the same.

People die every day,
bringing more pain
than words can say.
Every day, people are forgotten,
as their corpses rotten,
by their loved ones like the world taught 'em,
to grieve and forget,
forget they ever met.

Your death becomes another story,
Even though you meant much more to me.
Your memory fades,
by the passing of the days.
I worry that I will forget your face,
I worry someone will steal your place.

As the days pass by,
they expect be to accept your death
and be okay.
But my heart still aches for you
in every way.
I vow to grieve for you
every day.

For acceptance would mean saying goodbye.
Acceptance would mean taking away
what's left of your life.

A list of things I need to do,
but no one to talk about it to
as I lose my mind over silly things,
when I could be out having fun, buying earrings.
Alone is how I feel,
All these emotions,
And no way to deal.

The stress is unbearable,
making me stop and question, is this even real?
The list is untearable
as it continues to grow,
becoming my foe;
leading me to the brink of madness,
bringing on a pit of sadness.
I stop to breathe,
but the feelings do not cease.

My foe continues to grow,
becoming increasingly impossible to complete,
as I long to click delete
but I cannot;
for delete should mean fail,
meaning I won't get into Yale.
How I wish I could drop it into jail,
with no release bail,
drop it into the bin and sail
far away from the wretched list,
And stop myself from falling of the rails.

But it is not a ship but a train that I near
As I step on the rails,
but fall off,
with not even enough time to scoff;
for my foe has come out on top.

The list stays here and...

I am gone!

You are non-existent,
Never there,
just like your hair
that has come off strand by strand
by every decision you make,
even if that just be
deciding the icing for your cake.
You are untrammelled.
But that's you,
living for yourself,
And no one else.

Still I see no better uncle,
than one that won't yell
if you mumble;
won't arrange for your hearse
if you curse.
Free spirited,
That's what you are,
And I wouldn't change a thing,
even your breath that smells of tar.