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under tables he begged first for scraps
scorn the loving hand
big wide saucers
eyed up and down
you leaving and him following
with a bird in its mouth
- did the night take you
did they have you for dinner
at midnight when you crossed
the tracks
walking beside shadows
did they take you

did they take you?
smashing bowls over heads
and the dog still waiting
hands clasped open
it’s maws

is the bird alive or not
the last time I saw
I was horrible
taking spins in the car
you dragged me by my hair
and showed me what was love

we were two moonbeams dancing
on the cusp of our death
and i’ve burnt out for you
a million nights since you left
this whip is bright like lightning
black matted as a punchthrough void
i swim through brackish waters
to get to cleaner waters
to escape all of the sick dying fish around me
to flip my fins and get far
to feel the warm sun under the water
and the cool moonish nights
but in these vinegar waters
all i see is muck, coughs, cries, screams
broken fins, bottom feeders
in the clear clean waters where they laugh,
where they stay in schools, where they
lounge by coral anemones, out in that northern sea
soon i will be, part of their world

epeiric waters is where i belong
you have to take me right now
from these cold, foggy, murky lives now
swim me there, i can keep up
for once I was believing in myself
believing there could be something I
could be good at, decent at, something
I didn't have to fail at: but before
I even got to do it I became interrupted,
obstructed in this belief: for once I felt
I could be empowered, I could explore
myself through something but now that courage
and confidence I thought I could grab
seems far away from me. I feel defeated
and broken before I could bloom.
Please, water me, so that I can continue on.
I know you cannot bloom for me, but please,
water me. Please give me sun.
sometimes
i can't tell
if it's strength
or weakness
that keeps me here

it's something
i ponder
nearly every night
while
i'm trying
to fall asleep

never afraid
of the dark
but terrified
of the light

holding
and gripping
ugly memories
tight

sleep happens
but i never feel
rested

the vessels
in my eyes
fill with blood
as i attempt
to rub the tears
away
and the salt
tears up my skin,
making it pink
and raw

i've attempted
to heal
with pills
and doctors
who ask me
how
i
feel

but how
do you
explain
the unreal?

that your mother
tore your heart out
and stomped
with her heel

and your
father
blew his brains out
without
telling
you
how
bad
he
feels

i'm left
humming tunes
to songs
that don't exist

while
trying to forget
the memories
i missed

doing my best
not to get ******

but, ****

what the hell
am i
even
still doing here?
She laid out before me as a lotus blossom
soft, warm, pulpy and inviting
until she began to spread before me as an anthill
stinging and splendid anthill
that gripped me and bit me
Her eyes rested beneath the sun, dark and wholesome
She floated around the space inside of me
in a form of limbo, otherworldly and skyey
like she could take the distant clouds
as steps and hop, twirl, and giggle into the sky
I could look up and see under the thin mesh indigo skirt she wore
no polka dotted underwear or thongs
nothing at all under that sweet skirt
just legs and the anthill that blossomed before me
between her legs was a bruised fruit, overripe too,
and stinking of aroma. But she bounced around
with a banana, a fruit the sweet nymph didn't like,
a nymph with I in a forest she pretended to be
as our bodies locked and tangled
juvenile and almost confused about her age
bereavement of her curls, tendrils of taboo
Beautiful multi-colored, she was multi-colored
the same way the Earth was: her skin ranged from
anger, happiness, sadness, mud, dehydrated dirt,
and sand; at times, the outer husk of a coconut and the sullied snow that rested on curbsides
but it was only her eyes that were creamy like
chocolate in my homeland, it was only the teats she bore
that were creamy and raw as dipping your hands
into a bucket of fresh cow's milk
To think her name rang uniqueness, damage, frizzledness, and a being drowning
an island woman drowning in the water
a woman with a daisy behind her ear
the most precious thing in the world
and the only person who has, like rubies,
made me want to take an easy route: for she is the straight and narrow path,
she is the mystery I want to solve, she has, somewhere on her palms sewn in as the patterns that are her prints,
the answer to what draws the sunlight to her, the answer to what draws
this old, boring, and flatted man to such a funny-looking, trainwreck, and addicting creature

You're the one I've chosen:
as an idiot, as a blubbering fool,
as untapped potential that spills out of my faucet,
your eyes low and puffed, deranged little woman,
my dear silly child, skin absorbed clouds, you're a mess here,
in a place like this, somewhere so absurd.
sometimes,
i wonder
if
you love me

or if
you just
put up with me
for
convenience sake

pushing away
the
distractions
i make

and ignoring
all the chaos
i create


and i
don't mean
to
be a burden
to you
with all of the
stupid
things
that
i
do

but i'm
so
disconnected,
coming unglued

peeling away
rotted pieces
of myself
and
attaching them
to you

and you
are doing everything right
i'm the one who's
****** up

taking away from
all we are
and telling myself
i'm not
enough

and
it wouldn't be so tough
if i could
just
take
the blame
and grow up

but here's the thing,

i just keep getting worse

no
matter
how
much
i
try

no
matter
how hard
i rehearse

my tongue is swollen
from all the times
i've tried
to tell you
how bad
i really feel

there's part of me
that always thinks
i
can heal

that the misery
i constantly
live
can't be real

but there
doesn't seem
to be a
point to any of it

i have a head
full of nightmares
and a heart
full of dreams

and
none of
this life
is
ever
what
it seems
I will be your lady of the night
eyes with some moons
bosoms blossom with milk
tear drop shaped
swear it’s all for you, savory and dark (my)
enriched from sugar cane
cornmeal so I don’t stick
weaving the grains in my hair
plaits to connect to the sun
plaits to beat the sun
and I bend down to pick things for you
dear Master, do you see my rear
through this mesh dress? see-through fabrics,
slave, and most abundant,
and I tell you I mean it,
swear it’s all for you, present and future (my)
lower lip plump with whimpers
from whispered and simmered
cries I’ve held in my chest
put into my mouth to
pacify my yellows and placate me
with your blue more often
hard **** returns to your mouth, sir
these sunkissed goods
receive your kindness, and sir,
I ask for one more chance
to prove these hips you see are
round not for no one, not for no one but
you, stop this hell of my life you’re making,
watch me walk and you’ll know
I’m yours for the taking, and I tell you
all the time, swear I know it,
I’ll crawl to you from my post, sultry eyes
and I put my face between your legs,
powerfully planted within the dirt bed
my face lies there to gestate and
we fertilize (my)
— let go and let me surround you,
an earthly good you have now that
you have me, I can be real good,
though on this plot of low land
where I wear your silk around my
wrists and ankles, in our world,
you belong to me and I am your master
the red glow of her cigarette.
the fingers of her left hand
yellow  with nicotine
clutching dying flowers

"buy a rose for your lover," she says,
"buy one for your wife. buy 2."

"the flowers are wilted."

"maybe it's your eyes that are wilted.

she had black hair
black as the night
the violent night
and gray eyes
the shade of ***** ice

"you must love
someone,
some of the time, no?
put a rose on
your father s grave, then"

"love is like lost pennies
falling from a broken jar"

she smooths her hair with one pale,
long, fingered hand, "you re crazy,"

"my mom says so."

i was born to
have adventure

I followed her up the steps

i was born to chase the night
through the forest
of dead roses
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