F Elliot

F Elliot Oct 2021

Nebraska

prairiegrass dreams

Across the Sandhills
wading into the untamed Niobrara
barebacked.. brown,  and beautiful

Within her Misty Mountain dreams
she is heading my way.
Ah, sweet lord God almighty,
look at her go..

Westbound,  she is best-found

    right there..  on the edge
    of these dreams of my own

Oh my lord..
look at that beautiful horsedream  go
Will I be able to survive her..

  I don't know
.  .  .

You feel him..  don't you, sweet one..
my beautiful Snickers
on that Gordon, Nebraska hill--
his home,  his birthplace..

Until his beautiful spirit
one day.. finally found me

Striated and stoic
he is waiting for you..
To bring, you
the rest of the way home.

North now,  into Dakota
as you bleed
with the Lakhóta
on a trail,  split

   between Pine Ridge..
   and Wounded Knee.

Feel your war-torn  Spirit
melt  in to them
(you will not fall)

As you ride this black-maned  dream
just a bit further North..
towards a man, named Paul

Within my own,  I can feel you both

Ah hell, babe..
I can feel you all

hold on to your dream of this dream..
remember every-thing
https://youtu.be/fqCGidfNG0M

Rough draft, this feels inadequate
to the picture I want to convey.
His likeness is in the sixth frame shown,
and again, between the two of her;

His eyes.. in the two, up close.
You will not go lonely

https://hellopoetry.com/poem/3369599/snickers-on-a-hill/
xoxo

#love #beauty #equinedreams #nebraska #serenity #lakota #dakota #eternity

F Elliot Sep 2021

dissertatio de amore et sui iudicii

     You are blessed by God
     and that blessedness
     leaves me breathless;

But.....
aw.. ****,  love..

The shame didn't come from me
and neither did the all-consuming condemnation..
     yet my direct words to you make you feel
     as though I am the author of both

Love,  infused with truth
is a language all its own
but you can't do it.. can you
You are wholly unable to see yourself
as someone truly Loveworthy

You can't see it,
and so it is my words to you
that you attack
     and then run from
     and then run to

and then fall in love with

     And then  you rage
     and then  you hide
     as it churns
     as it churns
     as it churns

     And you think its from me
     And you think I am the author  of both

But it was   i n   y o u before we ever met
and because of that,  I lose everything..
because I won't stop doing
what it is  that I do.

Love is different
than what it sometimes feels to you

Her telephone rang 'bout a quarter to nine
she heard his voice on the other end of the line
she wondered what was wrong this time
She never knew what his calls might bring
with a cowboy like him, it could be anything..
And she always expected the worst
in the back of her mind

He said, "It's cold out here and I'm all alone
didn't make the short go again, and I'm coming home
I know I've been away too long..
I never got a chance to write or call
and I know this rodeo has been ******* us all
But I'll be home soon
and honey is there somethin' wrong?"

She said, "Don't bother comin' home
by time you get here I'll be long gone
There's somebody new and he sure ain't no rodeo man."
He said, "I'm sorry it's come down to this
there's so much about you that I'm gonna miss
But it's alright baby
if I hurry I can still make Cheyenne..
Gotta go now baby,
if I hurry I can still make Cheyenne."

He left that phone danglin' off the hook
then slowly turned around and gave it one last look
then he just walked away
He aimed his truck toward that Wyoming line
with a little luck he could still get there in time

And in that Cheyenne wind he could still hear her say..

She said, "Don't bother comin' home
by time you get here I'll be long gone
There's somebody new and he sure ain't no rodeo man.."

He said, "I'm sorry it's come down to this
there's so much about you that I'm gonna miss
But it's alright baby,
if I hurry I can still make Cheyenne

Gotta go now baby
if I hurry I can still make Cheyenne.."

She never knew what his calls might bring
with a cowboy like him, it could be anything..
and she always expected the worst
In the back of her mind

https://youtu.be/XQY2m7xS8Sk
come away with me

#love #pain #childhoodtrauma #shame #condemnation #giftedness #blessedness #eternity

F Elliot Sep 2021

oh, now..

I never tried to hurt you, I never ever wanted to hurt you. There is no way that you can write without drawing out the best parts of the warmest and most loving hearts, but every time ones such as yourself draw from me (without your even knowing it) the best I have to give in response, I still somehow end up ******* it all to hell.

There is no way whatsoever that a person who conveys their innerworkings and trauma the way that you do should ever slip through the cracks-- unloved, unheld, and un-cared for by loving, supportive hearts.. (and I'm not talking about romantic love..)
I have an idea who it is that you are in real life, by what you have chosen to convey of yourself and your story throughout the years.. but that doesn't really matter either, I guess

because history tells me that my unfiltered way of talking would just **** that up also.

But if an honest struggler such as yourself wanted a ****-up artist to never give up responding from the heart.. if that is what it takes to help keep the wild, unfettered ones like you (at least, writing-wise) from slipping, alone into despair, then that is what I will do.. not give up either.

But trust me when I tell you, babe.. I am burned out also.

Never, ever give up believing. If there were enough ones such as yourself (as to what you are writing here), or even just you, alone-- continuing to write open-heartedly the way you have in the past, and again here.. I promise that I would not give up also. If you want to be held closely when the ravens come and have picked your hope clean, then that is what you will most likely receive.. and I dont necessarily mean from me. I have studied your heart and spirit through your chosen posted words almost since the very first day I got here.

There is no way that others cannot both see and feel those things also, kid.

Hold on to that.

E pensando di lei,
Mi sopragiunse uno soave sonno

https://youtu.be/8M5YeZIg71U
xox

#love #fear #committment #trauma #understanding #peace #eternity

F Elliot Aug 2021

deep tissue

Oh how you always end up
in my bed, when you are most hurt--
My hands on your gorgeous hips
as I pull you  fully, down on to me..

A true descending..  into
the further-reaches  of you
In to places  previously untouched
As I hold you there

As if  for an eternity

Till you are no longer
unable  to feel me..

Until you are  fully
able to feel me

anything less would be insincere

#love #raging #calmness #closenessthroughdeepclimax #eternity

F Elliot Aug 2021

the art of Salvation

River running..

That rushing sound in these parts
spell out the words, crystal-clear..
Tree-lined banks, giving way
to the Dark Hills,  upslope

Giving way,  to
granite-rocked outcroppings
giving way to  elk-hidden quakeys
Surrendering their holy-huddle's
pristine stances
to tall  prairie-grass, waving
wild raspberries  and tall pines

    And I,  myself..
    am surrendering also
She is watching the water, believing
That as it flows,
she will not lose herself in it
That it will not steal,  but heal

That I will not  rage again
within my fear

I am watching her,
watch the water
I am watching the water--  believing
That as I give  of myself
further  into the flow

that I will not become  diffused
by humanity
By the love  of man
and all  of its dishonesty

and all  of its  diabolical treachery

Of its  lack of concern,
or understanding
Or ability to break through
its own,  self-centeredness

Or its need  to swallow me up
    into the mundane.
Her hands are in the air now,
praising..

Worshipping
the true nature  of the flow,
Believing..
that I will let all of this, go
And as she  wades in
I ease, back--

Retreating
up the Dark Hills, *****
Clutching tightly..
To granite-rocked outcroppings,
  weeping.

Hiding in the quakeys,
among the majestic elk
Begging for the tallgrass, cover
among the wild raspberries.
   Now, fully concealed
   in  tall pines.

Her hands
are stretched out,  now..
as if hovering  over the waters,
participating

While I hide  from it all

While I hide,  from humanity;
From the fallen,  love of man

    She is wading in,
    Believing
.
As I am leaving;
Believing

    As the cloud-hidden sky,
    starts raining--

playing the most incredible, of tunes.

Now Muriel plays piano
every Friday at the Hollywood
And they brought me down to see her
and they asked me if I would

do a little number
And I sang with all my might
She said,

"Tell me are you a Christian,  child?"
and I said,

"Ma'am, I am tonight.."

https://youtu.be/PgRafRp-P-o?si=1A3rb7ajt_ZPlMW2

even the strongest,  at times
become afraid

<3

#love #faith #fear #beauty #justification #sanctification #salvation #dakota #memphis #eternity

F Elliot Jul 2021

oh my sweet, holy ****..

It is harshness, beautiful girl..
but far from being  a cruelty.
I'm trying to find the words  because
you deserve to have the chance,  to choose

   based on the truth of what is  truly loving
    and what is not.

In your need for access to raw,
core survival,
the machine has put its hooks  in to you
deep, beautiful girl.

And my only access--  to get through
the machine's intricate gearwork
is unfortunately,  during the time

   when you are struggling most,
   within the greatest of calamities--

But it is at that time..
when the highly mechanized machine's,  gearwork
is most penetrable.

So naturally it is at that time,
   when an intervention
   would  seem, so cruel..

Ah, babe..
I'm not afraid of my love for you
actually killing you..
There is something deep inside your spirit

   that somehow tells you--

That even in the midst of the chaos..
And within even that  which so often
feels  as being cruel..

this might indeed, actually be Love--
The real thing.

But at that level.. who on Earth  could actually
trust that it actually,  could be?
And your well perceived,  perception of cruelty
comes from the fact is it must  seem to you--

That every time you truly open up
your heart to me..   I seem to blast you,
         and knock you to the ground..
when you feel  you need me, most.
I'm still looking for words
to describe it, beautiful girl--

   But it has to do with something..
   somewhere,
   in the Realms of love--

And the things that take it in
And the things that thwart it.

There are not yet human words,
here on Earth, to describe it..

But one day,  my so very beautiful..
I know that one day,  there will.

a love-note..
cast out,  in to the Universe--

That was as far as I had gotten, when you showed back up  and started talking to me again. If you continue to choose to hold on to your psychosis-induced beliefs that are solely procrastination, based.. nothing that I give to you is going to help. Nothing.

You are the person I love most here on Earth.. when it comes to a soul that truly needs and deserves to be loved, the right way.. But I will gladly walk away from it all if you say that forever the love that I share with you will pour down an empty hole of psychosis and a deeply-****** need for procrastination. Unfortunately for you and those that hide the way that you do, the clock is ticking and you are going to become, face to face in front of the truth-- no matter what you choose to believe here on Earth. And I'm not being religious, and I'm not talking about "Christianity".
I'm talking about the core of the Soul  which is eternal.. but is only given one body and one life here on Earth--  to have the chance to infuse the God within us, in to the flesh-hewn temple,  that houses it all..

Period.

I was built to be there for you and support you all the way through this life. There's no way you can throw it away by being this stubborn. If you choose to be, I will have to write you off, forever babe. And I promise you I can do that if you remain adamant the way that you are. Is "reincarnation", and all of its false beliefs really worth it all to you? Is your lover of your "past lives", that great?

The incubus is none other than the ultimate spiritual troll, babe-- the motherfuker is a demon, and every part of what he does is based on the Unholy bastardization of what love was truly meant to be. I feel sorry for you if this is the stand you're going to make. It is unequivocally, diametrically opposed to all of who it is that I am, and I've remained silent long enough..

but no more.
I guess it all boils down to the age old, age-old
"Choose you this day, who you will serve..", thing .

You are the last person I will ever want to have to write off, but I promise you.. this   o n e   life here on earth is really that serious. And my  one  life that I have here, I refuse to have be  squandered.

So maybe I was wrong in what I believe about you after all.. (But I will never live long enough to be able to convince myself of that).
I believe you are that person.

I doubt if I will ever not believe that you are that person.
I need to go now, sweetie.
You are forever  beautiful. xox

(I really don't want to come down, from it)
https://youtu.be/65gMenC08Mw
.

#love #pain #childhoodtrauma #survivalmechanisms #life #death #truth #light #darkness #eternity

F Elliot Jun 2021

Hede

Brown-tanned, and muscular
he leans against the wall  at
Senior Frogs, down on the tip
of the Yucatan, at the edge
of Cancun.

She is mad-- the rich-girl,
college hottie.. who takes
the time out from her dancing
somewhere near the front of
the stage, and sultries over
with her best instagram-sashay
she could put together.

     "Everyone is looking at me but you"

Mhmm.. and take another chug of my Patrón.

     "What. You think you're too good for me?
     You've probably got old *****, anyways.."

And in an instant, I ***** slap
the whining little ****-boy
she calls a boyfriend

and then
**** the ever-loving dogshit  out of her
against the side of the stage--
the whole time, thinking about
how much more substance
a two-pump hit from a bottle of
Jergens and a quality **** vid
would bring  me

As back against that old wall
I stand.. enjoying the show.

She is staring at me now

no doubt,  she'll be bugging me
the whole rest of my trip.
Her friends come traipsing my way
because that's what friends do--
They become mesmerized..
and then  fixated-- wanting to ****
the guy their friends want to ****.
.

There is a Pharmacia on the corner
on my lone taxi ride back to the hotel.
Sergio pulls over, and I walk in...

The Jergens is near the back--
right next to my favorite Patrón.

ah, babe
when everybody loves you.. sometimes,
that's just about as ******-up as you can be

https://youtu.be/48sAQnRYMMo
god I love Mexico

xo

#love #hedonism #petron #fuckedupinmexico #pacifico #beauty #eternity