Most of my poetry on here is from 2 years ago
Back when I was
                     - not depressed -
But covered in a blanket of social anxiety and under confidence
which could have easily been mistaken for such

Each of my poems from then
involves the romantic dreams of a naive young girl
searching for a purpose, searching for her purpose

Each of my poems from then
ends in a query  
                          - as if -
I didn't think I could possibly be right
and I was still trying to find my way

Each of my poems from then
involved an intrinsic indecisiveness
from a time when my every word every glance every action
was blanketed and wrapped into a burrito of -
"am I doing this right?"
"what should I do?"
"Should I even be...?"

But now,
It's two years later and about time for me to get my ***** together
It's come for me, whether I'm ready or not
Time to leave my bubble and take my first step
time for applications
I'm not nearly as experienced, wise, nor knowledgeable as I could, should, will be
But I better get my act together and look like
I AM

She looks up
Blinking at the ringlets that suddenly flop into her curious gaze
Gazing down at the strange cracks in the bench in which one’s toes invariably find themselves wedged
Reaching out at the twitching nostril of my stunned ten year old brother
Pointing at the strange piece of white cheese in the sky whose name seems to imitate a cow
Knocking off the hat that seems to magically appear on one’s head and frowning at the peal of laughter following it
Calling out to her father and chewing on the hem of his trousers when he seems to find guests more interesting than his one year old daughter
My cousin is in her own little world

Elegy, elegy, elegy
The words pop out at me, framed by the strokes of...expressionism was it?
Honestly, I don’t know
The minimal art history I was exposed to
Has gone, been erased leaving me the white board
To scrawl something else hastily before-

I wonder why I read it,
Is it perhaps to affirm to myself
That I’m worth something?

No, that can’t be right
I do of course love myself, I have healthy amount of self love
I suppose then, it’s confidence at stake here
...maybe?

That whether I manage to memorize all the terms
Whether I can keep my hands from straying to another tab
That whether I can kick away the ball that is distractions and addictions and every self created villain in my fairytale

Determines who
I am and how
Much I’m worth

Is false

Because

I

Love me I do
I really do

But,
I still have to get out of this rut
I still have to do better
Then, maybe
One day I’ll

A severe conflict rages within me
Torn between,
Something rip, rip, condemning
And idleness
The kind of idleness where you’re alone within a storm
Perfectly aware that soon enough you’ll have to follow the currents
And flying debris
But for now,
Just for an instant,
You are still and around you is silence
Not
A calm before a storm
But a calm within a storm
The eye of the storm?
A singly moment when you’re able to stand still for just a
Just a single moment
And take a deep breath before you’re flown away

Thud-thud-thud thud thud-thud
Me and my silver owl glasses
And the silver car with the broken hood from when I ram ram
Ramed into the light grey garage and the pale
Blue fire hydrant
And now it goes thud-thud-thud
Thud thud-thud
And me and my owl glasses
Squint up at the sky while the car goes thud-thud
Thud thud-thud
And my skin basking in the sun’s glow,
Rudolph’s luck it was only his nose!
And with a little jingle,
Time to take the baked potato out
Bright red and ready to peel,
Leaving behind an ugly little thing,
In her silver owl glasses and thud-thud silver
Car
With the dented hood