I still keep your favorite songs on my playlist
Because hearing them is like feeling a cool breeze on a summer day
I close my eyes and for a moment
I’m back in your Benz flying down the interstate
With the sunroof down and my hands up
Barely paying attention to where we’re going
Just looking over at you

And when the song ends the day is still just as hot
But the cool breeze gives me hope
So I’ll keep singing along
With a smile on my face
And an empty shotgun seat by my side

I wonder if you changed your garage code
Not that I’d ever open it again
But I just wonder if it would open for me

I used nicotine patches to stop smoking
Because you hated the way I smelled
So why can’t I buy a patch of you
To ease me off your love

Because when I’m used to walking around
With your scent lingering on my clothes
Because I refused to take off the sweatshirt I wore
As you held me all night long

When I’m used to referring to your arms
As my indestructible fortress of protection
And viewing your lips
As an entrance to heaven that I can't wait to open

How do you expect me to be okay
When I suddenly lose all of that
My reason to get out of bed
The one person who promised to stay

All I know now is that after the pain of quitting you
I can say with confidence in my words
And a cigarette between my lips
"I guarantee you I’m never smoking again"

If space is what you need
I’ll build you a rocketship
Right in my backyard
And we can fly to the moon
And dance under the stars

If time is what you need
I’ll buy you a grandfather clock
Eat meals at the table next to it
And kiss you every time it rings

If distance is what you need
I’ll buy us matching running shoes
And we can run until your heart feels
Like a firework on the Fourth of July
Because my heart always feels that way
When you’re with me

But if you need space from me

If you want less time with me

If you crave distance between us

Then I’ll ride my rocket to the moon
And wait until my grandfather clock
Says you’re ready to be with me
Then I’ll run back to you

Because if people wait a lifetime for heaven
Then I can wait a part of mine for you

Bumping into you
Sounds like the best catastrophe
That could happen to me
So my heart and pace quicken
As I run through the grocery store
Hoping you don’t shop on Sundays

You’re in the operating room
Bleeding out your problems and insecurities
Flatlining with your depression
And I’m waiting right outside
Crying and screaming with frustration
Of just how powerless I am

But I’m not powerless because I’m not a surgeon
I’ve sutured myself up hundreds of times
And even revived myself a few
I’m powerless because you won’t let me in

One deadbolt still standing between us
I drop my medical bag to the floor

It's slowly driving me mad
Listening to the playlists you made
Of other people singing
What you never had the courage to say

Small disappointments
Tucked away in the file cabinets in my head
In the library of my memories
Right next to the self help section
With a book titled
       Why you should never trust a man
It’s a best seller in the society that lives in my head
I wish I listened to them more

Eyes that welcome to your sprawling mind
Words that travel gentle as the wind
Soft yet steady, you grew with time
There truly was no wall you could not climb

Still I hoped telling you of my shadow
Wouldn’t be too much to bestow
After trying, but lacking the words to say
I knew there had to be another way

Already claiming your lips with lust
I hoped you were someone I could trust
So I bore my truth into you with my eyes
And prayed you wouldn’t be my demise

Follow me
You said
Over the sound of crickets
That would soon be covering
The padding of our footfalls

And drown out
The noises
Of two souls pressed together
By the edge of a hammock

Let the moonlight tuck us in
And the wind rock you in my arms

Don’t worry
Nobody can hear
That’s why we’re out
Where the crickets outnumber people
And only the moon will see
How I light up your face

I found your hair on my bed today
And I didn’t want to throw it away
Because you leaving me was real
So I hold onto the last of you I can feel

Her hands are strong enough
To lift up even the mightiest man’s spirits
Callused from her endless work
But still always outstretched
To embrace those nearest to her

Her fingertips delicate enough
To make the same man
Believe that liquid fire exists
As they dance their way across his skin
After he’s made his way into her heart

Her legs steady enough
To carry society’s standards like air
It’s no wonder these legs
Will one day be the gateway to life
For future warriors and peacemakers alike

Never be ashamed to be a woman
Because every man came from our womb
We are just like men but with the fire of life
Raging so strong inside of us
That we cannot keep it contained inside

Did you come from the tip of lightning
As it struck the earth
****** into an uncertain world
A cruel and forceful birth

Or did you ride in on a gust of wind
Hopping off at the first place
You heard the ocean's song
And felt the sun’s embrace

Because you’re like the eye of the storm
Destructive, yet gentle
I’ve never seen two opposites
Act so complemental

You always wear a smile on your face
But keep mischief tucked in your heart
And I’m too curious to stay away
But I would if I was smart

When a quiet woman decides
That she has a thought to share
The whole world stops to listen
For this moment is quite rare

Even the mountains bend down
To hear this rare voice speak
Because If you understand the words
You will hear she is anything but meek

The longer her voice is not heard
The more time her thoughts have to form
Making the words that pour out of her mouth
Like thunder in a storm

And if you did not see the lightning
That has long been lighting up her sky
Her words will leave you shocked
With your mouth open and tongue dry

Laying on your back
Tracing the stars with your finger
Is a reward only to those
Who dwell where filth does not linger

So if you want a glance
At the stars twinkling in my mind
But pollute the air between us
You will forever be left blind

If you send nothing to me
But your passive anger and subtle lies
My eyes will never show you anything
But darkness and empty skies

It is only in comfortable silence
Or words spoken, sincere and kind
That you will ever enjoy
Chasing the constellations of my mind

Don't let a boy
Who has fooled everyone
Including himself
Into thinking he's a man

Lead you
To fool you yourself
Into thinking you're anyone
Other than a soft hearted warrior
Whose smile has a radiance that outshines the sun
And eyes have a glow than could rival the moon

My therapist told me
Exercise would make me happy
So why are there tears in my eyes
As I run away from my problems

There are fireworks
Left in the wake of your touch

My stomach turning
Waiting for the explosion
To fill the void in my eardrums
Light up my eyes
And make my whole body tremble

But never prepared
For the dull quiet that follows
As the ash from the fireworks
Comes tumbling down
And all that’s left in the sky
Are streaks from what once was
And the quiet returns between us
That hangs as heavy as the pollution
We let poison our air

But it isn’t hurting us today
So keep the fireworks coming
Because I need a distraction
To take over my senses

Let's take a walk through the gardens of my mind
Through the old iron gate covered in vines
The smell of magnolias carried by the wind
Will guide you through to the very end

Past tulips in every color you can imagine
And fields upon fields of never ending jasmine
Where butterflies dance from flower to flower
And the sun is shining at every hour

Most halt here to soak up the sun’s embrace
Grass tickles their toes and rose fills their nose
It’s enough to put a smile on anyone’s face
So they all stop here and give up on the chase

But if your restless soul dares you to explore
And you think the paved trail is a bit of a bore
Then head in the direction where the eagles soar
High above the flames of a beautiful, chaotic war

To a place where it always seems to be night
The ash in the sky blocking out the sun’s light
From the fire that consumes everything in sight
No matter what rain I cry, it always blazes bright

A fire that I am constantly trying to suppress
But the harder I try, the bigger it gets
I don’t want you to be suffocated by my stress
But this is something I’m overdue to confess

Consider this a warning before you venture inside
There is more to me than what meets the eye
So many things I have tried to hide
Like the fire that burns under the rain I’ve cried

The spark from your touch
Was enough to ignite
My dusty old heart
To finally shine bright

But I was afraid
Of the heat inside
When you asked my legs
To spread open wide

I was always told
Never to play with fire
So I pushed you away
And ignored my desire

Now I’m left with nothing
But this empty bed
Your scent on my pillow
And words left unsaid

You thought you were the anchor
To hold my restless soul down
You wanted to be a dependable friend
When there was no one else around

You watched me float aimlessly
Through the ocean for far too long
But though you tried your hardest
As an anchor you weren’t strong

Soon the first storm rolled in
Bringing waves that just wouldn’t relent
They pushed me through the sea
And I pulled you with me as I went

I bravely fought the storm
While you were dragged along the floor
Of the calm and peaceful ocean
Realizing you couldn’t do this anymore

Although this all started with
Good intentions and a big heart
You knew for me to flourish
We had to be apart

What our future together looks like
Is something we’ll never know
Because after the storm passed
You cut your rope and let me go

If eyes are the window to the soul
It's no wonder why mine are blue

Behind every laugh
A monster
Patiently waits
To crawl his way out
Between the folds
Of my grin
To whisper
Tempting words
“Pick up that knife”
            “Commit another sin”
Reminding me
Of the dark places
I have been

A part of me
I cannot escape
He’s always ready
For an encore
But he doesn’t know
I have found things
In life to adore
Passion to distract
From the ongoing war
To show him
That he isn’t holding
The reins of my life
Anymore

The spot he hides
Whenever I smile
Will become his home
This time for more
Than just a little while

You wanted my heart
Served medium rare
Emulating a love
To make everyone stare

You didn’t waste time
And you dove right in
Consuming all I had
Between your apathetic grin

But you weren’t prepared
For the blood and the mess
You wiped your hands of me
Like you couldn’t care less

After you were done
I was left with no life
Because I cut out my heart
With your sharpened steak knife

I say
I am facing my fear
Of loneliness
I know
I am avoiding my fear
Of vulnerability

Invisible strings connected us
But for years they were just that
            Invisible

Through mutual friends
Going to the same parties
We made our rounds talking
That always ended with each other

To living across the hall
And walking me home
On the nights when I kept drinking
When I should have stopped

The same classes
The same homework
Which you often forgot about
Until I got you to do it with me

The same warmth resting
In the crease of your smile
Is hidden behind my gaze
When I look at you

Every unspoken word
Left hanging in the air between us
Spun a new string
That pulled us a little closer

It took longer than it should
But I’m so glad
That the invisible strings
Became visible

The gates at the Garden of Eden
Swung open the day I met you

I spent my days trying new fruits
But none were as sweet as your lips

The sun never stopped shining
But it still wasn’t as bright as you

You were so bright that you blinded me
And I didn’t see what you really were

Until the day you gave me an apple
And had me kicked out of the garden

Now all I want is to be let back in
To quench this new insatiable thirst

I would hit my knees every night praying
To you
Or any other man
For just one night back in the garden

If you were whiskey
I sipped you slowly
Savored every last drop I could pour out of my glass
Because I relished in the burn you left as you slipped inside of me

But you threw me back like a shot
Not thinking,
         just doing
Unprepared for when I hit you all at once

You slurred out “I love you” between numb lips
Hands sloppily fumbling for my body
Driven by animalistic instinct
Your mind was long gone

         I continued to sip you anyways

Eventually you had to sober up
You said my effect wore off on you
So you set down an empty shot glass and left
And all I was left with was a massive hangover

I may not have been there
But I can still hear the gunshot ringing throughout the neighborhood
Slicing through the silence of the night
Echoing off the houses where others are fast asleep
Your friends
Your family
            Your children
Unaware that you have left this world, they continue sleeping peacefully
By some miracle your children sleep through the police sirens
And the hysterical crying of a wife becoming a widow
Dreaming peacefully for the last time
Because your departure from this world will always haunt them
Your ghost will stand next to your daughter
As she parades herself down the aisle into the arms of a new man
A man I pray to God is strong enough to hold her
On nights when she needs a man’s support
Because her father is no longer there
Your son’s massive shadow will always remind him of you
A darkness that will never leave his side
Even when he’s surrounded by light
You spent billions of seconds loving your life
Cherishing it
Protecting it
But it only took one second to end it
And as much as I want to hate you for causing them this pain
As much as I want to take my small fragile fists
And try to pound some sense into your head
As much as I wish I could turn back time and rewind that night
Stop you from leaving the house to drive around at 3 am
Only to end up right back in your driveway
To do what you knew you wanted to do before you even left
             I can’t.
All I have the power to do is to forgive you and move on
Try to piece together the pieces you shattered
When you pulled the trigger
              So I forgive you.

My heart ached for yours today
It took all I had not to cry
So I whispered my words of longing
To a passing butterfly

Her wings were like a mosaic
Beautiful, but strong too
They held the woes of my heart
And carried them to you

Your words were hollow
As light as a feather
They left your lips easily
But I needed them
Like I need oxygen
Both weightless
Both necessary
I inhaled your lies
And exhaled my love

I used to be water
Flowing in whatever direction life took me
Because I knew that fighting the current
Would only lead me to drown

Then I was fire
Angry and determined
To burn down those who controlled the current
And to be the only one left in a field of ashes

Now I am the earth
Stable and firm in my own beliefs
My self-created gravity pulling others into me
And keeping them and myself grounded

One day I will be the wind
You will no longer see me but I'll always be nearby
To whisper words of wisdom in your ear
Because as long as I'm remembered I'll never truly die

No I don’t have a boyfriend
But yes I’m in love

I’m so in love with the way
The daisies in my front yard dance in the wind
As if they’re waving hello as I sip my morning coffee

I’m obsessed with people
The innocence twinkling in the eyes of the young
The wisdom tucked in the wrinkles of the old

I’m infatuated with myself
The way I have and continue to change
How every day I am taking steps to become
The woman I aspire to one day be

No I am not looking for a boyfriend
But yes I am completely head over heels in love

When you ask me how I am doing
I will smile and say I am fine

Because I am
In that moment
In that place

You didn’t ask me how I am doing
Every night at 1 am
Alone in my room

Suffocated by the emptiness around me
Gasping for someone who is not there
At that moment I feel like someone is choking me
Even when I am breathing in plenty of oxygen
I am kept awake by the screaming
Of self doubt and uncertainty
Eyes plastered to my dark room
Searching for someone
But only finding disappointment

But you did not ask me that
So I smile and say I am fine

I never sat down at a desk
In front of my blank laptop screen
And hammered at the keyboard
Hoping for my words to be seen

Parts of my soul just crept out
Waiting too long at the red light
Typing a new note into my phone
As the green light starts to shines bright

Or in bed hoping for sleep to come soon
To be awoken from my dream like state
By the bright light on my phone
Because this poem cannot wait

I never set out to write poems
Poems just came out of me
My emotions were always locked up
But these words are the key

I fell in love with you
The same way I fall asleep

Slowly
         Peacefully

The whole time I felt as secure
As I do nestled under the blankets on my bed

Little did I know
There was a nightmare patiently waiting
To come out from its hiding spot behind your hazel eyes

It crept up on me
Ending my peaceful slumber

Our love became twisted
Your smile became cruel

I was unable to escape
Like a dreamer with sleep paralysis
My belief in your ability to change
Blinded me like a sleeping mask

Eventually I woke up
From the nightmare that was you

         And I’ve been an insomniac ever since

You told me that I needed to open up
But I didn’t understand the problem
I opened up my legs for you every night

Your past is a staircase
Helping you climb
At your own pace
To a new and exciting place

Do not let the scrapes and bruises
From falls along the way
Slow you down
Or make you turn around

Do not be concerned
By purple marks and busted knees
Because with every bruise you earned
You nonetheless learned

Before I knew you
I didn’t know it was possible
To drown and be on fire
At the same time

But your love set my heart ablaze
The passion of your kiss like oxygen
To the flame ignited by the warmth of your body
Engulfing my heart in a steamy passion

But at the same time I felt like I was drowning
Gasping for oxygen but choking on water
Calling out your name to have my voice muffled
By the endless sea around me

I should have known from the start
Fire can’t exist within water
The sea was destined
To swallow up our flame as well

The first time your arms wrapped around me
It was like my lost soul finally found a home

The mess inside didn’t intimidate me
I always loved cleaning up souls like yours

Inside the closet I found vanity and greed
Uncertainty and unpredictability
But I decided to stay

I bought lamps to brighten up the rooms
And opened the curtains when they weren’t enough
Determined to see you smile

I thought you were building a home inside of me too
But you were really just pitching a tent

You knew all along you weren’t there to stay
All you wanted was to collect rent from me
Every night in your bedroom

When my lease was up you kicked me out
And I was left more lost than before

I will never waste my time fixing up a house again

I write as a release
A way to find some inner peace
Between long stretches of fake smiles
And lies that never cease

Late nights on my laptop
Are the only way to stop
The negative thoughts and feelings
From flooding my entire being

Poetry is the drain
For the overflowing bathtub of my brain
The little bit of truth that seeps out
About all of my pain

Loops and whorls made with a pen
The only way I can find Zen
Thank God for these words
They’ve saved me yet again

Beauty is a sin
And ignorance is bliss

Because the more people talk about
The way your eyes shine
Or the more they look at
The shape of your body as you pass a room

The less you value yourself
And the more you value your shell
Your body is just a hollow vessel
Incomparable to the passionate soul it holds

If only you were see through
Then they would really see you

After years of traveling
Through the sandstorms of despair
The droughts of self-loathing
I thought I found an oasis in you
But I guess you were just a mirage