when it rains,
i sometimes stick my
arm outside
the confines of my room,
close my eyes,
and try counting
the number of kisses
the rain makes
with my outstreched arm;
i never keep count,
i just keep thinking
of the attiring
trees and other plants
with my own,
inverted set of lungs.

One of the very rare times
that you hold me in your arms, of your own accord
I look into your eyes
and realize, in horror
that this is not enough.

you are not enough for me.

and that the hurt outweighs the laughter
and the shame outweighs our joy
and for all my tears -
every fear -

you are no longer
and have never really been
my beautiful boy.

how do i measure my love for you?

i measure my love for you in the number of sunrises and sunsets i watch with you

i count the number of deep belly laughs that reverberate around the room when I'm with you

i measure my love for you in the countless dreams I've had about the future we will have together and the possibilities for a lifetime of happiness and family and friends

i measure my love for you every time i feel your slender fingers intertwined with mine and your breath whispering in my ears

i measure my love for you
when we dance in the rain in our pajamas playing 80s jazz on the stereo,

when we lie on the cool sand late at night drinking lukewarm coffee from the 7/11,

when we go ice skating on the pond in the depths of the winter, clutching onto each other, giggling like school girls as we slip around

when we wake up on the couch Sunday mornings with the credits from the movie we fell asleep to rolling in the background and the hazy light of the TV flickering

i measure my love for you in a thousand ways i can't even describe because all the words i dictate are promises to protect you and all the actions i perform are to do everything in my power to make you happy...


...even our worst days together are still an infinite amount better than they would be if I didn't have you

something stronger than ****
is all that I need
to get myself to open up
that part of me, which
until now has always been
shut..

somewhere there's a place I belong
a house down a long road
with the person who
brings me peace
when all I am is
chaos.