why should i be here?

it feels like a question that's been planted inside my head for years and years. i ask myself this question during my darkest hours.

but it becomes clear to me when i see you. you, a light, a light that never fails to make me want to stay. looking at you, that answer disappears. not answered, but disappears.

but you aren't there all the time. i end my days alone and once again, that same neon light lights up my room, keeping me from sleeping, keeping me from even imaging you.

i sit facing that sign, tilting my head as if it'll give me answers if i stand differently. it doesn't.

in my darkest hours, i cry. the plans i had for the future: the apple farm, the cafe, the bakery, the dogs and cats, everything, it all seemed pointless and far away.

but eventually, with a flicker, the sign goes dark and, once again, i'm given a break from everything, from myself. eventually, i'll be okay again. eventually, i'll remember that the reasons i'm here are to love...

and of course, making sure i have the apple farm, cafe, bakery, and dogs and cats.

I'd rather suffer in
       S
          I
            L
               E
                  N
S   O   L   I   T   U   D   E       
Than expose my soul
And have you tell me
It will be alright
As you hold
The pillow over my face
And wish me goodnight

She was beautifully broken
But beautiful none the less
She had stars in her eyes
To shine through the mess
And spoke in song
To help her along
She dreamed of far off places
And love to fill the empty spaces
She was not made for this world
So tucked away she stayed curled
And soon the spaces turned to walls
And the far off places became places she could fall
Until a boy with a golden mane
Helped her move passed all the pain
He planted flowers in the walls
And they grew and bloomed, beautiful and tall
The walls came crashing down
And with it, she was once again found
Her dreams turned to hopes
And gratitude became the language she spoke
She planted her own garden
With all the pieces of her that were broken
And it grew and grew, wild and free
Simple, strong and beautifully

I don’t care how
or care what you do
to make it happen;
I just told you
make me shine
so slather me in turpentine.

I want the sun to shrink
and the world turn dark,
when she’ll no longer rise
after she rests her eyes
upon my fiery spark.

I want the moon to swoon
and raise the tides
when he looks for the sun,
but instead
it’s my beauty that he finds.

I want the stars to bow down
and shower me in gold
when I shine brighter
and reach higher
than the stars of old.

I want storms to make
the world stir
when I walk upon
their earth,
no matter what it’ll take.

I don’t care
if it kills me;
just answer my plea.
I just want, so badly,
to shine,
so slather me in turpentine.

the people that loved me before convinced me and told me that i was less than.
i repeated everything they told me until self respect and self love was like it never happened,
like i never had it.
i was broken down into dull pieces of myself,
they used me like people use pebbles to throw in bodies of water.
i didn't know what love was anymore.
this happened again recently,
once it all ended i told my friend,
"the way they talked to me just seemed normal,
i was used to it."
i didn't know that the knifes in my heart were supposed to hurt until i met Her,
she held my heart with care.
it felt warm with her.
how they treated me was Not love,
i know that now.

hold me.
i'll hold you too.
we can sit down and just talk,
about everything.
all the things that's bothering us and all the things we want to do or couldn't.
lets paint the future and make sure we're Both there to see it.

There was something innocent in his touch
It was if he
Found something in me
That he'd been thirsting for
It was if he
Was losing himself
And didn't care.
And oh
I loved him, I loved him
In that moment I loved him and
I didn't want to let him go.
​