i stare outside my bedroom window
12:42am
wondering where my soul has gone,
my personality,
my hope.
instead of organs I carry inside me burdens of ex lovers, of mistakes, of abuse,
i remember when I use to shine the brightest.
it is so hard to see when you are blinded amidst tear gas
people pushing and shoving
black holes for eyes, no hearts in sight
i wish to one day repair them.
i wish one day to repair myself
it seems to be an impossible task
a momentary relapse of heart ache, of bleeding arms and bleeding legs
a momentary relapse of euphoria and then down again we go
it hurts when all you can do is sit around and wait for someone to clean the wounds just to tear them open with their teeth once again.

dad, did you do it again?
slide in your poison-
did you think you could ever own me?
mom, did you do it again?
pump your fears, your dreams, your failures into my blood, my soul, my slow beating heart?

i can't seem to go on anymore.

how am I suppose to love when the birthmarks on my arms are really scars,
when the holes in my chest are past heart breaks,
sleep breaks, smoke breaks, coke brakes, **** brakes
how am I suppose to love?
the snow covers an icy cold blanket around my mind,
freezing all the bad and good thoughts
and suddenly everything goes black.

-where am i?

conceptcollection

Homage Kenneth Koch

If I were doing my Laundry I'd wash my ***** Iran
I'd throw in my United States, and pour on the Ivory Soap,
       scrub up Africa, put all the birds and elephants back in
       the jungle,
I'd wash the Amazon river and clean the oily Carib & Gulf of Mexico,
Rub that smog off the North Pole, wipe up all the pipelines in Alaska,
Rub a dub dub for Rocky Flats and Los Alamos, Flush that sparkly
       Cesium out of Love Canal
Rinse down the Acid Rain over the Parthenon & Sphinx, Drain the Sludge
       out of the Mediterranean basin & make it azure again,
Put some blueing back into the sky over the Rhine, bleach the little
       Clouds so snow return white as snow,
Cleanse the Hudson Thames & Neckar, Drain the Suds out of Lake Erie
Then I'd throw big Asia in one giant Load & wash out the blood &
       Agent Orange,
Dump the whole mess of Russia and China in the wringer, squeeze out
       the tattletail Gray of U.S. Central American police state,
       & put the planet in the drier & let it sit 20 minutes or an
       Aeon till it came out clean

What's the point in wasting our time sulking in the bloodstained past that will never be forgotten
Or the blood baths of mystery soaking into any bit of happiness that we hope will soon come
Happiness,
None of us are truly happy in our shameful skins that are so ferociously clawed at,
But to feel the need to survive
To stay alive to bear through the pain
To experience those once in a lifetime memories
Worthless,
If that's all there is to count on
The evil over shines any bit of earth's wonders,
But what's so wonderful when all you think about is the next disaster that will soon destroy you
Into the billions of pieces you so carefully put back together,
Pointless,
No need to witness life's miserable beauties
Or death's unawakening faults,
When all that's on your mind is the darkness that will soon overpower you in a matter of moments
Courage,
You waste your time wondering if this is what you want,
When you spend every waking moment for this dreadful hour,
Why wait any longer when death will forever be on your shoulders?
Understanding,
As days pass by,
No one will remember,
They'll be just like you
Envying the fact that the darkness that you're indulging  yourself into now,
Will soon become impeccable brightness that will never leave your side.

***** ........ From Prophetic .... to Poetic .... to Apathetic .... to Pathetic ....to Drunk .... to too drunk.

I asked the birds
    What's it like to fly
They abruptly replied
    *What's it like to drive

Here she lies still
Breaking the box spring
Twisting words around
Her father's wedding ring

"Dying," she whispers
Her hand on her chest
Prepares for the evening
Of eternal unrest

There's a creak from the closet
There's a crash from outside
A boneyard war being waged
A corpse trying to hide

"It's never enough,"
That's what we'll assume
The dead go on living
And their dreams are exhumed

Bust through the coffin lid
Break your own heart
The dead and the dying
Are only six feet apart