I write poems about the thoughts
and I draw flowers from the scars
I turn bottles into vases
I call this damage art

I send the feelings to the hole
where used to lay my  heart
so I can pretend
me and my "problems" are a world apart

I know these thoughts do not rhyme
and on my skin, the scars will lie
i know to hold all these bottles is not wanting to say goodbye
i know this damage is real
but then so is this art
so I will continue to write
as it tears me apart

if there came a day where you packed all your emotional baggage and left
I’m not quite sure what I would do
I would not sit and cry
for I do not cry
and I cannot sit still
I would not listen to sad songs
I would listen to loud  metal rock
in a hope to drown out the final words that past your lips to me
and every other word you have said to me

I would not watch films or read books I would lie on my bed trying to ignore the tea stains
and the blankets we curled up underneath I would stare at the ceiling trying so hard to block every part of you from my mind

I would never drink tea from the cup you gifted me I would never read Harry Potter again after all the long talks about our shared favourite series

unless I was sad about all the moments we would never share
then I would sit and drink tea  hoping it would drown me
I would read Harry Potter watch the films and glance at fan art simultaneously
i would listen to every sad song that ever reminded me of you
i would sit unmoving for days tears of tea running down my face

i would not be able to not think of you over time this may change
but i would always have a scar to remind me of the old wounds time never can’t heal
and i will always hope that you would heal them one day

I am so past wishing for death
And I am so past blaming others for my wish to not exist I turned to the very things that give life
I thank the trees and ask them why they ever decided that they should waste there oxygen on me
Then I thank the sun for giving me warmth then I ask why didn’t you give me a little bit more so I could slowly burn
Then I thank the soil for giving me food and ask why out of all the leaves and plants I have eaten were none of them poisonous
Then I thank the stars for reminding me that you could be such a facinating scincetific design and people still point at you and make shapes in the sky
Then I thank my self and ask why were you so weak all the other times let’s make one a success although you can only succeed once

it's a powerful drug
you can’t live without it
from the second it touches your lips
to the moment you die
every second you need it
every breath you crave it
every day you rely on it

and it's strange
just a few minutes without it
your body starts shutting down
your mind stops wandering
your limbs stop twitching
your eyes stop seeing
your ears stop hearing
your lips stop moving
you stop
and you don’t start again

it's a curious world
we are given the very thing that will **** us no matter what
the drug made for a controlled death
oxygen
when they say its time to die
you die
no more fresh air
enjoy the last taste of addiction
the side effect of life is officially gone

you would run
you would run fast and away from me if I ever told you how I go to sleep each night imagining your laying in my arms your leg slipped between mine our feet sticking out the end of the blanket with your socks matching and mine, not even the same size

you would run
you would run so fast and away from me if I ever told you how I wake up each morning imagining it is your hand that stretches out of the warmth of our embrace to face the coldness of my room to turn off the alarm before burying your face into my arm saying just five more minutes

you would run
you would run so fast and so far away if I told you that the only reason I chose to live is so i do not disappoint you that my only motivation is you
which makes it so much worse when I sit there in late nights a bade in one hand and the other over my mouth tears and silent screams escaping as i realise this ends in one of two ways with death after a long and happy life or death when you realise I am a  dead soul trying not to lie and cheat
so run, run now and run fast for I am a time bomb but I shall throw myself away so I do not take you with me

it makes me wonder when will you see me sitting here blood on my hands
scars on my legs  
tears running down my face
food I have not eaten in days stacked in the corner
my phone is dead oh how I envy it
my under eyes are dark from sleepless nights
my hands tremble
my eyes stare blankly
my very being is a black box
so many secrets hidden inside but no way to get in
I guess if I tell you I’m ok and wash dishes
you will never see the broken pens and pencils that write letters of goodbye in the evening
then poems of struggle at dusk
then notes of petty inspiration when the next day begins
you just see the pens that write average homework assessments
and the mouth that comes up with excuses rather than the silent screams
you see the girl who goes to school and lays around
if only you could see every thought in my head they never stop running around

isn't it funny how often people say they're there for you
when they are not there when your arms and legs are running red
when the breath in your lungs won't move
when  you shake for the warmth of arms wrapped around you
when you spend four hours with a length of rope
when you are hiding in the depths of your mind
When you need people they’re not there
But maybe that’s good because they are not the people you need
you need someone that understands
who could possibly understand