no heroics, quite a bit of boredom
            fair share of rejection
          more often ignored and

if I’m a character in my life story
my role is listener, quiet glory

I watch, I learn, I love the songs
I add my verse and wander along

reader, thinker, troubled soul, dad
traveler, obsessive, probably a bit mad.

I find it strange that when I look into your eyes I'm not met with an endless starry sky. The world around me doesn't freeze or turn monochrome around everyone but you. I don't see an endless sea or visions of a setting sun, no matter my determination. So how do I know it is love if it isn't as the words I've heard all my life describe?

Yet my heart still drops when you walk into the room, even when your focus is a place far off. People say it's like a flutter but this is far too heavy to use such a light word to describe such a feeling. It's painful, but I know it isn't something ominous or bad because it feels right. How do I know it is love if none if my words describe it right as they should?

I get it every time our eyes meet or you tilt your head and smile with your head in the clouds. I get it when you laugh to yourself or say something hardly above a whisper. When you focus so hard you ***** up and let out that silly sigh of aggravation and I feel such deep affection. Yet is it alright for me to say what I feel is love when I can't even tell myself what love is?

I don't think your eyes need starry skies or my stomach needs a million butterflies. Your smile doesn't need to illuminate the room and my thoughts for you don't need an anchor. Your love shouldn't have an expectation and my words don't need to have a proper diction.

Perhaps I'll see it in your heart or feel it in your touch one day if you feel the same regardless of what the world has sold me with their modern day poetry. I promise you that no matter how hopeless I become I will find out for myself  what it means to love you wholly, even if I have to find out from loving at a distance.

most days i'm fine.
i can function like a normal human being.
i can finish my work in a normal amount of time.
i can operate at a normal frequency, or even at a higher one.
i can laugh and joke and keep up with conversations.
i flow easily.

some days i'm not.
i can't think through the fog that clouds my mind.
i can't keep up with the joke, or i laugh a beat too late.
i can't control my emotions and end up blowing up at someone.
i can't keep my hands from shaking and my words from stumbling over themselves.
i am ice with rough edges that crashes against itself.

i am alone
i am struggling
i am unfixable.

Anxiety gnaws at me,
and it’s hard to keep control.
I won’t let it drive you away.
I won’t let my fear
wrap chains around your wrists -
I have to let you breathe,
and maintain my own breathing
at the same time.

I can breathe,
I can control this.
I can keep us safe.

Loving you unconditionally
That’s where I like to be

I’ve had the ride of my life with you
You made sure I always pulled through

You made the hard times better
And if I was cold, you’d cover me with your sweater

You made the bad seem good
Said it’s like a man always should

You made me laugh when I was down
Even when I felt fat trying on a beautiful gown

You make my heart soar
As if we could dance forever on life’s floor

Collin, you’ve made me the girl I’ve always wanted to be
Collin dear, you’ve went and made me feel pretty

I love you.