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  May 2018 Aiden
Another Bad Poem
she says
she's not a poet
but i find her poems
to have more meaning
more beauty, more heart
to them than mine
and the way
she uses her words
can change how a person is feeling
from sad to happy
just with a couple of phrases
knitted together

she says
she's not a good writer
but those early morning
last minute essays
of pure adrenaline and
half-awake thoughts
present ideas
in such a way
that it's impossible
to find them anything
but perfect

she says
she's not sure
what her future will bring
but i know her
she's smart
and she's
so wonderfully stubborn
that wherever she may end up
she will go farther
than anyone could have ever imagined
including me
i can't predict exactly where she'll be
in 4 months
or 4 years
but i know her path will go
down the most bountiful roads
and in the end
she'll be happy
and all will be worth it

she says
she's not grateful
but almost everything she does
she does for others
she loves her parents
and hurts when they hurt
she realizes what they do
for her, and wants to make them
the proudest parents on earth
she loves her friends
and tries to make them better

she says
she's a relationship whisperer
and i guess she's right
because with a few choice words
gentle nudges and an onslaught
of appreciated suggestions
she whispered us together

she says
that the dark spots on the sun
can bring shadow
to the most brilliant light
but not even
the dark of endless night
can dim her brightness
or hide her from those
who see her for who she is
who see her potential

she doubts herself
sometimes she thinks
she won't succeed,
always worried
that what she's done
isn't enough
or that there's too little time
to get everything done
but no matter the odds
no matter what she's up against
she pushes through
she persists, she fights
and she gets what she wants
or as close to what she wants
as is actually possible
sometimes she even achieves the impossible
and it's nothing if not admirable
showing me that anything is possible
proving to me that
"You could rattle the stars
You could do anything
If only you dared"
not by anything i've done
but by everything she's accomplished

she says
she's not beautiful
true, she's not a model
but that doesn't mean she's not perfect
but the way those eyes shine
like earth kissed by spring rain
promising life and happiness,
mirrored by her wide smile
though not often seen,
just one smile from her
is like a ray of sunshine
through grimy windows
bringing light into a place
that knew nothing but darkness,
warm enough to melt the walls
surrounding the coldest of hearts

she says she's ugly
possibly due to the scars
dotting her arms and her back
scars which started years ago
but on the contrary
i think they just enhance her
they make her more human
each one a reminder
that she's been through
countless things in her life
but instead of giving up
instead of giving in
she's come through,
a lump of carbon
forged by the fires
of her world
and the pressure of
her surroundings
the pressure of life
and came out
the most precious of diamonds
not the biggest
but the most wonderful of all
with small flecks of imperfections
that make it shine all the brighter

i say
she's often right,
but the subject
becomes herself
and she's far from the truth
she's absolutely wonderful
and in my eyes
a perfect person
and a perfect friend
the most beautiful woman on earth
mentally and physically
and there's nobody else
i'd rather love
quote from Sarah J. Maas
though the loving isn't easy, i still love
with all my heart
i hope this makes you smile when you're down
or helps you see yourself the way i see you
  May 2018 Aiden
when a poet falls in love with you
you can never die
they will notice the way
you rub your palms and look down
when someone is angry at you
and the way you smirk
as you pull away from a kiss

they will notice how you can't sleep
without your body touching someone else's
how you never crease any pages of books
and how you close your eyes when you dance in your kitchen
with your record player on

they will find all of the words
that they see you as
and turn them into something beautiful

people say you die twice
once when you stop breathing
and when someone says your name
for the last time

if you fall in love with a poet
they will never stop
mentioning your name
you will be alive
for eternity
  May 2018 Aiden
when i was 7 i cracked my head open with glass
and blood covered my head
i didn't go to the hospital
i didn't even tell anyone

i never saw the glass really coming
it happened in just a split second
i hardly even felt it
it stung
but i was too worried about the glass
and how i was going to clean it
before my parents came home
my mom always liked to keep her house clean
so i had to pick it up

when i was 13
my best friend had her first heartbreak
i was doing homework
because i was so behind
but she called me crying
and asked if she could come over
i held her for two hours
while she sobbed into my sweatshirt
and when she left
i didn't even get a thank you

i try so hard to make everyone feel content and happy
then sit in my room
and wonder why i'm so sad
but it's because
all i do is bleed for people
and they never even hand me a bandaid
Aiden May 2018
why do they hate me?
i’m not going to hurt them
like they have done to us.

why do they hate me?
is it because i am
a sin in their eyes?

why do they hate me?
they talk in hushed voices not
wanting everyone to hear them say that they're

i am trans.
why do they hate the idea
of me existing.

i don’t understand.
I've been trying to come to terms with this idea that people who barely know me already hate me for just being who i am. It's hard to think about.
  Apr 2018 Aiden
Jason James
29 years old
Home free
All alone
Except the voices in my head...

John and the peanut gallery,
Chelsea, Cercei...

Living on the streets
Eating out of the Bono's dumpster,
Sleeping at a picnic table
Across the lake
From a Korean church
And a dentist's office.

He had warned me about sleeping on the back steps
Or in the sanctuary
John had guided me to
Under Orion.

So I slept outside of
A petroleum company...

The employees left me cigarettes
In the ashtray
The owner left a blanket on the table...

There had been a banquet
At the church I volunteered at
( I was on God's chosen path )
And they introduced me
To a Columbian princess...
A girl named Hattie
With a false smile.
And a chaperone.
Prim and proper
My belle
We went on two dates
One at a bookstore
One at Panera bread
And agreed to meet once more...
I offered to save her lover
Who looked like Paul Walker,
She offered me a one way flight
To Columbia
And wealth,
Her father's favour
And her brother's protection.
They knew what they had made in me.
I promised
To be
A Columbian prince
And sleep at the foot of her bed
Like the dog that I am
Always loyal
Always protecting
Those who have shown me
The least bit of kindness
Should they have me.
So often
Kicked to the curb.

She remained firm
That if I wanted out of my
Street king
Less than anything life,
All I had to do
Was meet her the next day
At the bookstore.
I walked away elated.
I didn't even *******.
I went back to my bed,
The ledge of a picnic table
And I went to sleep
Butterflies in my stomach
Thoughts of what would be.
I dreamed of puppies
Playing and licking my face.

I awoke at about 3 am.
I felt someone pull gently back my long hair over my ear.
I thought it was her.

And then the cold singing blade of the steel was at my throat.
It only took a second
But I put my fingers between it,
Took a stand and disarmed him.
A vampire dressed 17 year old in a full suit, scared...looking unprepared for the speed of my movements ( I once trained with Bruce Lee ),
Looking scared,
Of me...?
I handed the wooden handled knife back to him,
And he stabbed me...

Twice in the jugular.

The blood that came forth was warmer than the December night,
It rooster tailed
It streamed down my body.

I kept my wits and asked him

He said for power,
For control,
Those words forever haunt me.

I picked up my blanket
Held it against my bleeding neck
And slung my backpack over my free shoulder.
I asked him to take a walk.  

He said
You'll be dead in four minutes
I screamed no.

He walked with me anyway.
We made it to the streetlight at the end of the road
I had asked him to throw the knife and let bygones be bygones
But he wouldn't go.
So we made it to the main road.

I saw oncoming headlights and hope and threw my backpack at him trying to survive.

He stabbed me five more times.
The bowels, the lungs, an inch of the spine.

My hand was shredded from initially gripping the blade.
He saw the cars coming and he turned and ran away...

I sat there,
In the middle of the street and bled and waved
As they all passed me by.
About 3 minutes later 6 cop cars surrounded me, and asked me why...
I from this point Won't get into specifics...
But needless to say,
The doctors tried to ****** me more for the sake of a couple days.
Trying to cut me open from navel to ******.
Denying me blood transfusions and food, for three days...simply saline solution. They even wanted to puncture my lung again.
I didn't let them touch me
Other than a few simple sutures
To reattach my nearly severed ring finger
That still points backwards...

I have felt the cold of all but two pints of blood leaving your body.
I have breathed through the pressure of a perforated lung...
I have been stabbed
Twice in the jugular
And five more times in vital organs.

But I have survived this...
The so called mental illness comes earlier....the generalized anxiety later...

The point of the story is I missed my date the next day with a Columbian princess...and she had to go home without me
While I sat in a hospital bed
Begging for a joint, a beer, and cheeseburger that they never brought me.
Swear on the medical records
True story
  Apr 2018 Aiden
Just an average day in my average life
no cause at all for worry or strife.
But then it hits out of the blue.
This terrible feeling is nothing new...
So I sing the

Anxiety song
Anxiety song
Before its over something will go wrong...
In my anxiety song.

My hear beats fast and I can't get air.
I don't think straight. I'm so **** scared.
At about this point, I start to cry.
I really really wanna die.
But I sing

The anxiety song.
anxiety song.
A panic attack can feel so long.
Here's my anxiety song.

You want to have a good day,
but your brain is saying "no way".
Things are not ok .
Why can't it go away
[hyperventilates­] [gathers self]

It's the anxiety song
anxiety song.
I'm gonna finish it singin' strong.
It's my anxiety song.
another one of my song drabbles. It does include some stage directions & it sounds much better with ukelele. I wrote the 1st chorus of this during one of my panic attacks to help cope, and decided to turn it into an actual song.
  Mar 2018 Aiden
The word emo is used to describe someone who dresses dark and scary.
Or someone who hurts themself.
For me, it’s a word I use to describe my real emotions.
Emo = emotion
I am “emo” because I am emotional.
Sure, I joke around a lot.
I make fun of my own emotions.
I call myself emo just because I like wearing black.
But there’s a reason why I wear all that black.
I’m too afraid to be happy.
I’m don’t deserve to wear color.
I feel like I should always be grieving.
I feel like I don’t deserve happiness.
Why would I?
I always feel guilty for what happened back in the seventh grade.
I could’ve done more.
I could’ve been more useful.
That’s a lie.
I’m useless.
A terrible person.  
The point is that I am the original emo.
Not because I wear black.
But because I am emotional.
Does that make me human?
It just makes me sad.
That’s as plane as it gets.
I’m just sad.
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