You died today-
and by passing-you took with you
any chance I had at getting an apology
but I guess that chance was gone
when your brain was overtaken by the cancer
I knew when I saw you 15 years ago
at your grandson's baseball game-
that I would never get an apology
you didn't even recognize me-
I was your "daughter" at one time
many years ago-
I wanted to tell you then
how you had helped shape my life-
how it took me many years
of drugs-of alcohol-of feeling
like it was all my fault-many years of
failed relationships-broken marriages
years of running from and running to-
the little girl inside me that you broke
that you wounded with your drunken
late night visits to my room
How even when I knew it was not my fault
I still felt guilty-and I still struggle with that-
always taking the blame or
feeling guilt over everything-
never feeling good enough-
never feeling worthy of love-
I remember you pulling me and sis
from our beds in the dead of night-
to drag us to the front door to show mom-
that maybe she got away from the beating
that night but you would show her-
you threatened to set the house on fire-
with me, sis and you in it-
She in the front yard
with all the neighbors looking on-
was screaming for you to let us go-
that the police were coming-
and I remember thinking
at that tender age of 8-
Please just set it on fire
so I don't have to go through this anymore-
That day at the game-I looked at you
and felt sorry for you-your mind was
just beginning to go-and I saw in your eyes
that you weren't even there-and that maybe you
never really had ever been all there-
I guess-that was when I forgave you
Even without that apology

I know my love isn't easy-
It's not wrapped in a neat little box-
Or tied with a sparkly bow-
No-my love is fire-
It's Lightening and Thunder-
It will eat you alive-
My love will grab your soul-
and hold it tight-
But I promise you this-
You will never want to let it go-
Because-
Let's face it-people like us-
Are always drawn to the flame-

I just can't do this
This-living the unhappy life
Never knowing who you will be
When I get home
This roller coaster of emotions
Is tearing me apart
I know I made a promise a vow
But my God! So did you
And every thing I told you that hurt me
You did it and expected me to take
It
I'm just done.
Take your half *** promises
Take you words without action
Take your anger, your rage, your criticism,
Take you veiled insults, your arrogance,
And please please take the memories of us-
The happy ones from when we first started
Because those are the ones I can't keep

I know you-
Our souls
are old friends-
having arrived together
on this planet
many years ago.
Soon after-they parted-
each having a task-
a journey to make-
a journey filled with
love, joy, anger, defeat,
triumph, births and deaths.
And always
an under current-
a feeling similar
to a magnetic
frequency moving each
closer to the other.
And always-there-
a longing-
for something-
more-
and then-
there WE were
face to face-
and THEY-
soul to soul
finally-
reunited-and it was
right and good
and felt like
home-like before
arrival to
this planet.
The remainder of
this journey will be
made together
You and I