feeling so small
walking the streets
of an old town
of old defeats

i was the greatest failure
i am my greatest gift

plaques of history
envelope before me
i want to know all the facts
i want to know all your sins

you are the greatest interest

these small things
i know their worth
i know that i will forever remember them

so i keep walking
i keep my eyes wide and bereft

i am my greatest potential
i am

the body is a vessel
of tissue and blood and bone
i want to leave it alone but
i know myself

the mind is a muscle
of matter and questions and tactics
i want to forget it but
i know myself

the actions we take now
formats what we have the potential
of becoming
and you are too dear to me darling
to simply brush under the rug

too special to overanalyze
i don't need to magnify when it comes to you either
i've learned a lot this year
i'm learning everyday

learn with me.

Dear Universe,

I know that I **** up a lot when it comes to writing back
but I am working on getting better.
I'm actually working on getting better at a lot of things.
When I get home, I plan on gathering some recipes, running on the treadmill, buying stamps, paying those parking tickets.
In fact, I have a long list of to-do's in my head.
You'd laugh if you could see the race my mind plays (or maybe you can)?
It's exhausting.

You know, I wanna love without fear. I want to be confident in my emotional investments. I want to hold her and not wonder where it is her mind wanders. I want to be the best non-girlfriend girlfriend a girl like her could have.

I also want an even tan.

your tethered past
lingers and surfaces on days it chooses to

and i am here
only wanting to be something
(anything)
possibly
you've never had before

Dear Universe,

Jeopardy always reminds me of my grandmother
-my father's mother.
Her living room, with the red **** carpet and pink curtains.
Or were they salmon?
They probably were.
I don't remember.
I was 9.
I was not ready to be concerned about those kind of details.
I was not ready for a lot of things.

i belong to every day, to everything
in no time, i belong to you

you know i'm a selfish *****
i want it all
i want it endless
tooth & gone
'til i'm breathless

I got tired of thinking
so I slid to the edge of the bed
and rallied my arms across the night stand
and gave in
over indulged in your plans
until I merely became a whim

I am the scorned
I am your devoted one
until my memory is gone

I am not promising you years, my girl
simply hours, in ours
to have you obsessed with it all
i should keep my mouth shut

silence my faith
i wanted you
all along
i needed you

You are my past, You are my absence
Swimming in anger's defeat
Now can you stop fighting and come over to me
already?

In the throes of a trophy
In the throes of a nobody
While on top of your beautiful body

Nothing so beautiful as nothing at all

darling,
while i was away
i became good at collecting.

i rallied how many times i thought about you and they became my finest
collections.

here, come tread through this mind
of tooth and bone and there you will find
endlessly
you.

my longing for you cannot be known

in my head
a bride
of devout steel
around my fingers
through them
as if i've no skin
a pale aquamarine or night blue
where i turn to you
and simply say
"forget"

i wonder
i wonder if she knows just how much i think about her
an embarrassing rift between my mind and what is
separates the left and right side of the brain
separates this prize into a gift
it corners into the color of my skin
just enough to augment

and it is her
undeniably
undeniably her
that i worship
that stirs
this endless blur
into a ruthless cure
that i was so longing for

I trigger your bicep
and kiss you down to the marrow
my aimless heart takes shape
in the ridges of your hand

every line of your skin
every freckle, every gland
is a detail i want to inhale
until it sticks to the ribs, until i see where it lands

st. augustine
the pale color above your collarbone haunts me
and i want to swallow you whole
until i can't remember what it is that i allowed

this city is soft and slow
a charming couple stands before me
holding hands
and i want to congratulate them
because i know how such a simple act can in actuality be the most daunting thing
that we humans do

maybe it's the weather
or maybe because i am sensitive
but i am most alone
and i feel it more than most nights

tonight
this city is the last place I want to be in
until it is then that i whisper to the orange haze above me
"ain't nobody here with us in this Universe, baby"

this state is lonely
i sit on the porch watching a foreign sunset
don't believe for a second that i'm not grateful for it
but i really wish someone would cut through what aimless
perceptions they all seem to have about what it is that I do
and how exciting it all must be
when the reality of too many hours alone
stuck in rooms
missing birthdays
pretending Holidays don't matter
just to get through the day without crying
losing lovers because they can't seem to hang with
watching the calendar anymore
(and who can blame them)
forever missing something
someone
anything, everything
because you are constantly gone

but I say this in the moment.
i know for a fact that i would
rather be lonely my entire life
than be stagnant or underwhelmed.

she tells me she wants to go to the beach
on a day where we may each have the time off
i tell her "of course, i'd love to"
when really in my head i want to tell her
"i would take every **** day off just to go anywhere with you".
the beach, DMV, a gravel parking lot, my mother's abandoned apartment, her father's old high school, the desert, a hospital waiting room, her wealthy indecisions.

i am your devoted one
until my memory is gone

in the throes of a trophy
in the throes of a nobody
while on top
of
a
beautiful body

nothing so beautiful as nothing at all

laying on top of your body
circling an outline with my tongue
around your heart
above your lungs
between your thighs
below your gums

i do it so it feels real
i do it so this never ends
the sensation of skin on skin on skin on
will make you human again

g
h
ost

g
o
ne

you are the lingering one
one arm in mine
collapsed lungs

oh, i don't want to be everything
i just want to be (your) something

side chain my love
i wanted you
i want you
to absorb our beautiful edge
and pretend
(maybe you won't have to pretend)
i was everything you need(ed)

side chain my love
side chain
side chain your thoughts to my brain
lift it up and regain
the holy religion
that is
you.

i am loving you
in this moment
in this moment
i am allowing myself to
be wholly consumed

your blonde hair captivates this willing mind
and i sink further than expected
in this investment
of my heart

to mend and break again
what we would do to outlast
the night

such cracks feral tides
praise the loved hides

such a heavy love
at times, i choke
on the shape of
forgetting you

I want patience                        I want patience
Give it to me                            Give it to me

I want patience                        I want love
Give it to me                            Give it to me

How does one forget them?

How do I live through them?

How can I not?

I see you
and I want to see you

the timing is endless

the pulse of your unknown leaves me wanting more
in every song, i sing of letting go
in every note, i sing of you as home

the pale gesture i make to speak to you
is small and adolescent
you must feel this as you hardly return

i am wearing the ropes thin
hoping to endure what i can
until i give in
and finally forget about
what it was that i even
was hoping for

your body, a chapel
your right arm my religion
i hesitate to call you my love yet i always feel it

i'm used to obsession but this is different
i worship every detail of your blonde skin and manic indecision

you pressed your body against me
for a time
and i undeniably became yours

you shattered your mind loving me
it was hard to reach
and still, i was undeniably yours

the efforts we make to stay in love
it will **** us, it will keep us warm
it will end what we knew we were
it will create what it was

loving you is muscle memory
and i want your muscle on me
i want your mouth in between
crossing our teeth
and you won't need to apologize for your future shortcomings
because i already know

i was your ageless phrase
an exhausting prelude to things you need to say
but i won't
devoured i am
devoured you were
scrimmage love