This 'you' that everybody writes about are
The tears that stain our cheeks late at night,
The eyes that haunt our dreams every night,
The scars that remain as devil-ish memories of our weak moments.

I'm sick of this 'him' I'm sick of this 'her' that torments people day after day,
Making then write until their brain is pulsing and their hands are shaking.
I just want to be an okay me.
And if I need a 'him' to help me feel okay,
Then may God help me.
For I have no purpose in this world
Other than to rely on others for my heart to continue to beat.

I want to be the reason that I am still here.
I do not want to rely on another human soul.
For we are all doomed at one point to be nothing if that is the case.
But I just pray that if
Nothing we once were,
Then may our memories of life forever remain.

Sometimes, my depression and anxiety seem almost manageable.

Other times, they're suffocating. I wake up and immediately wish I hadn't. I don't want to talk, I don't want to move. I almost can't convince myself to do anything at all.

Sometimes, it gets so bad that I just hide under the covers for hours, convinced that if I play dead long enough, I'll finally be safe. Like if I move, or show any sign of life, everything I'm afraid of will crush me all at once.

I am 17 and so scared to live I almost can't stand to.

i've never desired to be selfish more than i do at this moment.
take you away so you are alone with me
your hand in mine, squeeze for comfort
eyes looking at me, through me
smile like the sun, for me because i made you laugh
sweaty palms pawing at the inside of my thigh, secluded together
i love you's shared with only each other

but i will not be selfish.

i will not cry on my couch at 7:10 AM before school because i know i'll see you.

i will not talk about you to my friends and they will not ask me how i am.

i will not hide in the bathroom during lunch so i don't have to see you be okay while i am heart broken.

i will not sneak glances around the hall in search for your heart-melting eyes.

i will not be selfish.

with laces that were as tangled
as the words that slipped from my lips
when I tried to tell you how I felt.

Stick me together with plasticine
Fill in the cracks of my broken dreams
Stitch my skin tighter and sow my heart shut
Let my hair loose and my nails uncut
Glue my eyes open and stretch out my frown
Dress up my fear in an ebony gown
Sketch in my strings and take hold of the thread
Wrap me in cling film, then leave me for dead.

Depression is being so tired every minute of every day
that finding the energy to get out of bed is taxing.
Depression is not wanting to be around people you know you love
because the thought of explaining how you are really doing is heartbreaking.
Depression is drowning in an ocean of your thoughts
while everyone around you scolds you because you should ‘know how to swim.’
Depression is being so confused as to why you feel the way you do
because everyone declares that happiness is a choice you have to choose to make.
Depression is avoiding even looking in the mirror
because you’ve surpassed the point of self-hate.
Depression is being stranded on an island and having the tools to signal for help
but not being able to read the language of the instructions on the label.
Depression is being surrounded by people who love you
but feeling completely alone and unloved.