my dear
you are not a girl
you are the constellation Andromeda
chained
you think you are alone
but believe me, my dear
you are surrounded by admirers on all sides
I am one
but I am so far
I can only admire you from grassy hills
in the middle of nowhere
where the city lights will not drown you out
but when I do
you are so lovely, my dear
the long drive
to see you
will always be worth it
you are truly breathtaking

the memory is foggy, but it’s there
I used to think I had dreamt it;
his hands on my shaking body, his breath that smelled of alcohol
the images were so distant that they almost felt unreal

my therapist used to ask me if I was sure it really happened
and to be fair, I wasn’t
but why would a ten year old imagine something so twisted?
and why would the thought of my own dreams make my stomach sick?

I spent years wondering what really happened
and I finally know it was real
because whenever I replay the events I remember
I am back
I can feel the cold air on my skin and the tenseness in my muscles
his voice telling me to come closer
his hands on my shaking body, his breath that smells of alcohol
my dreams have never made me feel this way

I know a girl with eyes like oceans,
encircled by eyelashes like butterfly wings.
her hair is straight and thin and the color of sugar cookies.
she has the face of the moon.
when she speaks, her eyes widen and her voice shakes.
she makes my head spin.
but she doesn’t love me.

I know a girl with hair that is never one color.
it is short and frizzy but beautiful nonetheless.
her eyes are big and round,
and brown like coffee with too much milk.
she is ripped jeans and black shirts and drum sets.
her heart is rough but her hands are soft and small.
she makes my heart ache.
but she doesn’t love me.

I know a girl with skin like peaches in the summer,
and cream in the winter.
her hair is long and brown like chocolate.
she has a smile like the sun,
and a heart like the fire on its surface.
her eyes are rainy days,
but her lips are summer sunsets.
she makes my hands shake.
she tells me she loves me,
but I’m not sure if I believe her.

I have so much love in my heart.
all I need is someone to give it to.
but she doesn’t love me.

I am fifteen years old
he’s been touching me like this for years
but I’m beginning to doubt I’ll ever be used to it
every time the door opens, my room starts to spin like a carousel
the possibility of his hands on my waist
again
will always make my stomach sick
he went from a brother to a predator so slowly
that I almost didn’t notice
instead, I noticed my own deterioration
I blamed myself
he’ll never know that he ruined me

I am twelve years old
a boy sitting across from me on my school bus
with hair the color of the sun
decides to move next to me
he presses his sweaty body against mine
my face is against the window
I can’t breathe
his lips move to my ear
his breath surrounds me and suffocates me
it smells like death and fear
I would cringe away
but I have nowhere to go

I am ten years old
despite the warmth of my parents’ room, I am shivering like crazy
he pulls me under his warm comforter
but I am far from comfort
his breath smells of alcohol as he whispers “don’t worry”
“I’m not going to touch you”
yet my heart has not slowed
and my shivering has not stopped
his lips press to mine and they taste like poison
his hands move my own across his large body
my head is spinning
I need to get out of here

I am eight years old
we are watching tv on the couch together
all my other brothers have gone to bed
but we were always the night owls of the family
his hands snake up my legs
they burn like flames
I push them away
as he tries to push them under my shorts
but he never gives up
no matter how many times I tell him no
even after years
of pushing him away

I am five years old
the boy who lives next door wants to play
together
we go into the bushes behind his house
my heart races with excitement
but
when he asks me to show him what’s under my skirt
it drops with fear
I want to cry
he tells me that if I say no he’ll send me home
we will never play together again
I run home in tears

I am two years old
as my mother is treating my diaper rash
she tells me to never let anyone else
see what’s under my nightgown
I am confused
I could never see how that could become an issue
or a challenge
little did I know that
by being a girl
I had been set up for a lifetime of danger

I am from strawberry stems and full dinner plates
mother’s starting to get suspicious
if I can’t finish my dinner
how do I have so much room for apples
and bananas
and mango?

I am from whispered I love yous
the kind that sound like sunsets
that feel like sunshine on cold skin

I am from a world of imaginary paintbrushes
flowers,
grasses,
and the tails of kittens

I am from fairytales
some passed on through generations
some out of books
some that came from my own little mind

I am from olives and pocket bread
food that is more than food
that tastes like family and history and memories
most of all, it tastes like love

I am from soft, smooth voices
always speaking
humming
singing
silence was once my greatest fear

I am from love
so much love it stretched my heart out
enough to make my chest ache
so when did it leave?
where did it go?

Aphrodite, goddess of love
twist your branches of willow around me
gust your warm winds against my numb skin
cover my tongue in the taste of strawberries and chocolate.

I want to sing the sound of you
I want to know the feeling of your lips on mine
I want to be loved.

I am all too familiar with unreciprocated love
it tastes bitter, like black coffee and raw sage
I long for a sweeter taste
I long for someone to numb the sting.

so come to me, my dear
there is no need to be afraid
I will make you a cup of galaxies
it will taste like hot chocolate with extra milk
together
we will connect the constellations at the bottom of your cup.